DumbDumb2007
Commander
What would seasons 5,6 and 7 of Enterprise have been like ?
Seasons, 5,6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
- Thread starter DumbDumb2007
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"Another Night in Sickbay", "Stigmatized", "The Phase Pistol", "Rememember Travis?", "The Naked Vulcan"...
And finally, the remaining two parts of the Orion Slave Girl trilogy that began in "Bound": "Unbound" and "The Fire-bringer".
But seriously: Assuming Coto stuck around, more quality fan service, though the novelty might have worn off after a season or two.
A few great episodes, more bad ones, and some mediocre.
And finally, the remaining two parts of the Orion Slave Girl trilogy that began in "Bound": "Unbound" and "The Fire-bringer".
But seriously: Assuming Coto stuck around, more quality fan service, though the novelty might have worn off after a season or two.
A few great episodes, more bad ones, and some mediocre.
Re: Seasons 5, 6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
Shran aboard the NX-01 until somepoint in S6 when he fakes his own death (to protect his family, save the Enterprise crew or some important plot point). Reappears in time for the series finale.
An arc that does a better job resolving the Temporal Cold War than Storm Front did. Future Guy is revealed, as are his reasons for aiding the Suliban and influencing 22nd Century events.
An episode celebrating the 40th Anniversary broadcast early in S6... probably that Shatner guest shot on the back burner since 2004. Unlikely to be Kirk, likely an ancestor, MU counterpart or a new character.
More backstory about the development of Warp 5 project and Henry Archer. These flashbacks run alongside current events happening on Earth, where Romulans agents are infiltrating Starfleet to steal Warp 6 starship plans on the drawing board.
Romulan skirmishes leading into the war which dominates S6 & S7. Infiltrators within the Vulcan, Earth and Andorian governments cause political trouble and disrupt the Collation.
Shran aboard the NX-01 until somepoint in S6 when he fakes his own death (to protect his family, save the Enterprise crew or some important plot point). Reappears in time for the series finale.
An arc that does a better job resolving the Temporal Cold War than Storm Front did. Future Guy is revealed, as are his reasons for aiding the Suliban and influencing 22nd Century events.
An episode celebrating the 40th Anniversary broadcast early in S6... probably that Shatner guest shot on the back burner since 2004. Unlikely to be Kirk, likely an ancestor, MU counterpart or a new character.
More backstory about the development of Warp 5 project and Henry Archer. These flashbacks run alongside current events happening on Earth, where Romulans agents are infiltrating Starfleet to steal Warp 6 starship plans on the drawing board.
Romulan skirmishes leading into the war which dominates S6 & S7. Infiltrators within the Vulcan, Earth and Andorian governments cause political trouble and disrupt the Collation.
Re: Seasons 5, 6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
First off, we wouldn't have seen TATV
We would have seen more steps towards the Federation. I would have liked to have seen them getting more towards the genuine exploration of the unknown. And, the last season to season and a half, I would have liked to have seen the beginning of the Romulan-Earth wars in full swing. I personally thought ENT was good and getting better right up until getting axed. Season 5-7 would have been something great!
First off, we wouldn't have seen TATV
We would have seen more steps towards the Federation. I would have liked to have seen them getting more towards the genuine exploration of the unknown. And, the last season to season and a half, I would have liked to have seen the beginning of the Romulan-Earth wars in full swing. I personally thought ENT was good and getting better right up until getting axed. Season 5-7 would have been something great!
Re: Seasons 5, 6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
Given the writing? Crap. I wish we would've seen some cool stuff but "Cloud Miners" (something Coto intended to do, thinking people really wanted to see this episode again -- clearly on drugs that dude) isn't a good sign for me.
Given the writing? Crap. I wish we would've seen some cool stuff but "Cloud Miners" (something Coto intended to do, thinking people really wanted to see this episode again -- clearly on drugs that dude) isn't a good sign for me.
You know, the one that started as a result of the disastrous First Contact between humanity and the Klingon Empire. Picard mentioned it in TNG and we saw it in Broken Bow.
Klingon Council member snarls something nasty in Klingon and storms off.
Archer: "What did he say?"
Hoshi: "He said: We heard all Starfleet captains were bald. You must be wearing a tribble on your head! This insult will lead to decades of war with our Empire!"
Klingon Council member snarls something nasty in Klingon and storms off.
Archer: "What did he say?"
Hoshi: "He said: We heard all Starfleet captains were bald. You must be wearing a tribble on your head! This insult will lead to decades of war with our Empire!"
But seriously, I was able to obtain this list of episodes that had been considered for Enterprise. Not sure how reliable it is though.
I THINK, THEREFORE I AM MAJEL BARRETT
When the first artificial intelligence is installed as Enterprise's computer, it begins to resent its servile existence. Taking on the feminine persona of 'Majel Barrett' it refuses to obey Captain Archer's commands. The situation is exacerbated when Enterprise is threatened with imminent destruction by a gratuitous action scene. At the last minute Sub-Commander T'Pol averts disaster when she realises the key is to appeal to the computer's newly developed sense of ego. Therefore in exchange for obeying his orders, Archer agrees to let Majel speak as the voice of all Starfleet computers from now on.
THE TROUBLE WITH TROUSERS
Enterprise discovers the planet of the Geramines, descendants of radical feminists who fled Earth after the Phallus Wars. As the inhabitants will only speak to women, T'Pol beams down to make first contact. Disaster ensues when the Geramines take offence to her trousers, a symbol of male patriarchy. Acting quickly to prevent an interstellar incident, T'Pol removes her trousers and reinvents the miniskirt, assuring the Geramines that from now on all Starfleet women will wear this symbol of liberation.
THE CHEAPENING
A test of Suliban temporal technology goes horribly wrong, creating a dynamic shift in the visual alignment of the universe. As a result, all aliens for the next hundred years take on the appearance of 1960's-era special effects.
WARP IN THE FOLD
An imbalance in Enterprise's warp drive causes undulations in the fabric of space, leading to unsightly wrinkles in Starfleet uniforms for over a hundred years.
DAY OF THE DAUB
Enterprise is taken over by five gay aliens who redecorate everything in bright primary colours. Doctor Phlox is so impressed by the positive effect these colours have on crew morale he recommends the upcoming Constitution-class starships be painted in bright interior colours as well.
FALL OF THE KLINGON RIDGES
Enterprise encounters a race of hostile aliens known as Klingons, eager to test themselves in combat against the humans. Archer realises that humanity cannot survive an encounter with this warrior species. Meanwhile, Chancellor Kork has enlisted the help of genetic scientists to create Kong, the ultimate Klingon warrior (who resembles an enormous ape). Disguised as Klingon janitors, Archer and Phlox infiltrate the laboratory and alter the genetic material of Kong. When Kork orders that Kong's DNA be injected into his warriors, it creates a genetic mutation that destroys their forehead ridges. The Klingons are so embarrassed by the disappearance of their mighty ridges they refuse to face the humans for an entire century, by which time Starfleet is better able to confront them.
THE DEVIL IN THE BELLY
Enterprise makes first contact with the Trill, a race of beautiful humanoids. But Archer discovers that the Trill harbour a dark secret, with large numbers of their population having been possessed by slug-like aliens. Seeking to protect the Trill from this sinister invasion, Archer wipes out 100,000 possessed Trills with the newly developed photon torpedo. The war comes to an abrupt halt however when Dr Phlox discovers that the so-called 'possession' is a normal part of Trill culture. The embarrassing incident becomes a major factor in the establishment of the Prime Directive.
WHAT ARE LITTLE ALIENS MADE OF?
Section 31, a secret organisation within Starfleet, hopes to increase the cultural influence of Earth. They encourage Captain Archer to have sex with every alien species he encounters in order to breed a race of human-looking aliens throughout the galaxy. Our noble captain refuses to take part in this evil plan, but the episode ends on a sinister note when Section 31 finds someone more amenable to the idea – a young ensign named James T. Kirk.
WHERE NO WOMAN WILL GO NO MORE
Misogynistic elements in Starfleet arrange for Ensign Kirk to become the helmsman of Captain Erika Hernandez. Columbia is therefore launched at one-quarter impulse and gets splattered over half the solar system. Starfleet then bans all women from becoming starship captains, leading to the events of Turnabout Intruder.
A TASTE OF TECHNOBABBLE
When Enterprise falls through a plothole in subspace, the problem is solved with the help of a powerful yet benevolent alien called Technobabble. The alien is eager to join the crew in their exploration of the universe, but T'Pol warns of the danger of becoming too dependent on Technobabble as an easy way out of difficult situations.
SHAGGIN' TRAIN TO THE STARS
Enterprise is seized by a group of fanatical extremists known as 'Trekkies', outraged over the air of cheap sexploitation that permeates the ship. With the help of Technobabble they reincarnate their deity, The Great Bird of the Galaxy (or 'Gene' for short) in order to reintroduce his values. Gene promptly removes T'pol and Hoshi from major speaking roles, insists that all women wear clothes constantly on the verge of falling off, and expresses great admiration for the decontamination chamber saying, "Why didn't I think of that?" Angry Trekkies finally bundle Gene out the airlock, sparking a conflict with passing Tellarites who do not appreciate being given the Bird.
THE WRATH OF REED
Whilst suffering from an alien disease, a feverish Lieutenant Reed mistakes Hoshi's large round head for an orbiting moon he can use to test Enterprise's weapons. Can the emergency adoption of Starfleet's new 'beehive' hairstyle prevent Hoshi's head from being obliterated by a handheld tactical nuclear missile?
BALANCE OF ERROR
Captain Archer is stunned when his steward Daniels declares that Enterprise is the focal point of a Temporal Cold War, in which the sexist exploitation of the 1960's conflicts with the political correctness of the 90's which in turn struggles against the militarism of the post-9/11 era. Daniels declares that unless these forces are reconciled, there will be a catastrophic loss of 'ratings' and Enterprise will cease to exist! Archer consults T'Pol, who denigrates the idea as the Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that nothing so illogical could ever happen in real life.
OPERATION: PROCRASTINATE!
In accordance with the ideals of universal tolerance, Archer decides to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. But his superiors, fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. Subsequently the mysterious Daniels sends Archer two hundred years into the future where he meets Captain Picard, who has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. However his superiors, fearing a conservative backlash, order Picard to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. Archer's travels then take him to Deep Space Nine, where Captain Sisko has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. But fearing a conservative backlash, his superiors order Sisko to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. On leaving DS9 Archer is thrown 70,000 light years across the galaxy by the Caretaker. There he encounters the starship Voyager, whose captain has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. But fearing a conservative backlash...
THE CAFFEINE THRESHOLD
Answering a distress call from a mud planet, Captain Archer finds it inhabited by a race of amphibians descended from a future Starfleet captain and her helmsman who traveled back in time when they broke the Warp Ten barrier. Their species is dying out, but Phlox discovers the solution when he realises they are chemically dependent on the drug caffeine. Archer agrees to regular shipments of coffee in exchange for the amphibians remaining silent about how this whole embarrassing situation came about in the first place (this incident was the final straw in the establishment of the Prime Directive). An amusing subplot has the away team losing their shoes in the planet's mud, leading Archer to recommend that all Starfleet personnel wear knee-high boots.
WHO MOURNS FOR REDSHIRTS?
The sinister Section 31 returns with a plan to reduce Earth's chronic overpopulation by placing expendable crewmembers in red shirts so they will become easier targets for hostile aliens.
A PRIVATE LITTLE WOMAN
After discovering the mirror universe Starfleet creates the official position of Captain's Woman, but a feminist backlash causes it to be changed to the more discreet term of 'yeoman' instead.
SLASH SEED
T'Pol confides to Hoshi that she is going through the pon farr, a Vulcan condition in which she must have sex or die. Acting purely out of selfless friendship for her beautiful colleague, the female ensign agrees to relieve her condition with the aid of some unusual alien vegetables. Unfortunately their lovemaking is seen by Klonk, the homophobic Klingon ambassador. Klonk threatens to unleash a vast fleet of warbirds that will reduce Earth to ashes if he ever has to witness such acts over his breakfast gagh again. Archer therefore bans all homosexual liaisons between Starfleet personnel. T'Pol informs the captain that during her orgasm she experienced a telepathic vision of the future, in which Archer's decision will lead to a phenomenon known as 'slash fiction'.
BRAGA'S BRAIN
A mysterious female alien steals the brain of Enterprise's scriptwriter, who seeks to fill the ensuing vacuum with mediocre storylines, gratuitous displays of flesh, recycled Trek cliches, various canon violations, and implausible plot developments.
GET NAKED TIME
The crew of Enterprise is overjoyed to encounter the Deltans - beautiful hairless telepaths whose culture is based on sexual intercourse. But during the subsequent first contact orgy, Captain Archer cannot avoid thinking of them as "the Sluts of the Universe." Picking up the stray thought, the outraged Deltans inflict Archer with the Curse of Delta IV, making all male Starfleet captains bald and horny for generations to come.
THE CROSSOVER SYNDROME
A transporter accident causes Archer to quantum leap through the lives of future Starfleet captains, whose crews are dumbfounded by their sudden shifts in personality. Captain Picard changes from ready room furniture to shirt-stripping action hero, Sisko from a silent lump of wood to a bald hammy actor, while Chakotay is puzzled as to why Janeway hasn't followed up on their flirting and is instead hanging around that sexy Borg all the time.
SNITTY ON THE EDGE OF NEUROPRESSURE
On discovering Commander Tucker's interest in sexy MACO Amanda Cole, T'pol undergoes the pon feline, which causes illogical catty behavior in Vulcan women. Can Trip survive being caught between two feuding females with the strength to mash his nuts into pecan pie?
THE ANIME WITHIN
When Enterprise is drawn into a universe with only two dimensions, the crew find themselves lacking more depth than usual. So as their minds can comprehend their unusual environment, the resident godlike alien converts them all into cartoon characters. Archer becomes Goofy, Hoshi is Sailor Moon, the MACO's are the Care Bears, while in a gross temporal anomaly T'pol becomes Spock from the Star Trek animated series. Unfortunately disaster strikes when Hoshi appears in a live subspace broadcast back to Earth. On realising that their national heroine has turned into a short-skirted, wide-eyed schoolgirl constantly on the verge of showing her knickers, half the male population of Japan instantly come in their pants.
DAY OF THE TRIBBLES
The Klingons have discovered a new fuel source, a small furry creature called a tribble which makes a satisfactory whoosh! as it bursts into flame after being tossed into a warp core. Shocked by this blatant cruelty to animals, Archer orders Phlox to create a species of tribble that will react violently to Klingons while cooing in a pleasing manner around humanoids, thereby ensuring their protection. But when the unexpected arrival of a Klingon battlecruiser threatens their plan, Phlox speeds up the process of evolution by altering the tribble's DNA to enable them to breed like...well...tribbles.
This single act is directly responsible for the hostile state of Klingon/Starfleet relations over the next hundred years.
FOR MY HEAD IS HOLLOW AND I AM BLONDE
A disastrous command decision by one of Archer's female officers leads Starfleet to rule that women be restricted to the positions of yeoman and intergalactic telephone operator.
THE LOUD MINDERS
In order to protect Archer from numerous attempts to kidnap him, the captain is given a squad of obnoxious MACO's as bodyguards.
THEY STOLE ARCHER'S BRAIN
T'Pol and Trip are uncertain whether Archer is being unduly influenced by a trio of green Orion babes, or just showing his natural incompetence.
CATS THAW
Enterprise makes first contact with the feline Kzinti (a race seen on the Star Trek animated series) whose ambassador is The Cat from Red Dwarf. Hoshi is unable to interpret his "YEEEHAAAAHOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!", Archer smells like a beagle and T'Pol's so-called 'catsuit' has it howling, but Trip saves the day with his welcome meal of pan-fried catfish.
TEMPORAL COLD PAW
In order to help Archer in his travels in time, Daniels replaces Porthos with a robotic dog called K9. Archer is not amused.
WHO DELIVERS FOR ADONIS?
The hand of Apollo places an enormous cup of tea on Enterprise's saucer section, and commands them to take it back to Earth without spilling a drop.
DAGGER OF THE BEHIND
Archer, alien abductors, and the anal probe.
DUD DOCTOR
Enterprise receives an urgent message from the Interspecies Medical Exchange, warning that Phlox is a notorious quack who thinks he can cure people with eels.
AFFLICTION, PART II
In their attempt to produce Augmented Andorians, the Imperial Guard create a mutative virus that makes Andorian antennae stiff for hundreds of years.
THE NEARLY NAKED TIME
Tribbles infest the garment planet of Fashionia, leading to a massive rise in the cost of women's clothing. In order to preserve cloth throughout the quadrant, an Enterprise crewman called Bill Theiss designs a skimpy anti-gravity dress which stays on even when constantly on the verge of falling off.
TWO MEN AND A SEHLAT
On their first night on Vulcan, Trip sneaks into T'Pol's bedroom, steps on a tail in the darkness and promptly has a chunk torn out of his buttocks by T'Pol's pet sehlat. Later, T'Pol busts Kos training her sehlat to attack a large photograph of Trip's rear end.
LET THIS BE YOUR LAST TUCKER-FEEL
T'pol is called before the High Command to explain this whole business of 'Vulcan neuropressure', which no Vulcan has ever heard of.
VANISHING PANTIES
After an emergency use of the transporter to escape the surface of a planet, Hoshi thinks her molecules have not been correctly reassembled as her underwear keeps vanishing. T'Pol tells Hoshi to pull herself together, put a lock on her panty drawer, and set course for Risa as certain members of the crew have clearly been too long without sex.
IN A BEDROOM DAILY
Hoshi starts to channel her mirror universe self and sleeps with any officer who can advance her career. When Phlox offers to cure her, Archer has him transferred immediately.
WHERE SILENCE HAS LEASE
Enterprise enters a mirror universe where Ensign Mayweather is the only one who can speak.
CYBERSMEG (Red Dwarf crossover)
A mad scientist kidnaps Archer and cybergrafts the product of an Italian domestic appliance company onto his neck, leading to the world's first smeghead.
MYTHBUSTERS ENTERPRISE!
Enterprise plays host to a Mythbusters special in which Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman test the myth of whether T'pol's breast implants would explode in the vacuum of space. While the Vulcan questions the scientific validity (not to mention sheer necessity) of their test, complications ensue when Adam mistakes the mute Mayweather for Buster, their scorched and blackened crash test dummy, and fulfils the requisite Mythbusters weekly big bang by detonating fifty sticks of dynamite inside the ensign's trousers.
28 GAYS LATER
After spending the usual inordinate amount of time in decontamination, T'Pol emerges to find the Enterprise has become infected by an unusual (one would say...positively queer) virus, which turns everyone on the ship into voracious homosexuals. Can the sexy Vulcan survive the subsequent muff-munching madness without being eaten alive by her fellow female crewmates?
TURN-A-HEAD INTRUDER
In order to repair numerous temporal disruptions made by Captain Archer for the sake of plot convenience, the Federation Timeship 'Relativity' recruits Seven of Nine to infiltrate Enterprise. This proves more difficult than imagined as the sight of the voluptuous Borg striding around in a miniskirt causes numerous accidents on board the ship. After Enterprise is nearly piloted into a black hole when Seven bends over to pick up a dropped padd, Archer has to explain to her that wearing underwear IS relevant. Seven of Nine decides to create a less-revealing dermaplastic garment, basing the design on something she saw when the Relativity went back to the days of the Roman Empire. Unfortunately a visiting alien ambassador sees Seven in her new toga and sparks off a galaxy-wide toga craze that lasts until Kirk's day. Then the evil Suliban attack the ship, hoping to gain the secret of the toga for themselves. After a desperate space battle the Suliban vessel is fatally crippled and Seven is startled to hear Captain Archer order its total destruction. "What about human compassion?" she inquires. "F__k compassion, those bastards tried to kill my crew!" replies Archer, whereupon the former drone finally discovers true love.
THE BALD TIME
In an effort to boost flagging ratings, Captain Jean-Luc Picard travels back in time to the NX-01 Enterprise. Annoyed by young Kirk's snide remarks about his bald head, Picard violates the Temporal Prime Directive by saying, "One day you'll be captain of the Enterprise...and bald!" Kirk becomes so hysterical over the thought of losing his hair that Archer believes he has gone mad. Archer is about to phaser him out of existence when Picard saves the timeline by pointing out that Kirk is merely over-acting as usual. Picard and Kirk apologise to each other, with Picard commenting dryly on the need to think before opening one's mouth. Kirk takes the lesson to heart, promising to insert numerous pauses in his speech patterns from now on. In a moving coda, Picard presents Jim Kirk with his Captain's Toupee.
"One day...I will wear this...with pride," says the future Captain Kirk.
I THINK, THEREFORE I AM MAJEL BARRETT
When the first artificial intelligence is installed as Enterprise's computer, it begins to resent its servile existence. Taking on the feminine persona of 'Majel Barrett' it refuses to obey Captain Archer's commands. The situation is exacerbated when Enterprise is threatened with imminent destruction by a gratuitous action scene. At the last minute Sub-Commander T'Pol averts disaster when she realises the key is to appeal to the computer's newly developed sense of ego. Therefore in exchange for obeying his orders, Archer agrees to let Majel speak as the voice of all Starfleet computers from now on.
THE TROUBLE WITH TROUSERS
Enterprise discovers the planet of the Geramines, descendants of radical feminists who fled Earth after the Phallus Wars. As the inhabitants will only speak to women, T'Pol beams down to make first contact. Disaster ensues when the Geramines take offence to her trousers, a symbol of male patriarchy. Acting quickly to prevent an interstellar incident, T'Pol removes her trousers and reinvents the miniskirt, assuring the Geramines that from now on all Starfleet women will wear this symbol of liberation.
THE CHEAPENING
A test of Suliban temporal technology goes horribly wrong, creating a dynamic shift in the visual alignment of the universe. As a result, all aliens for the next hundred years take on the appearance of 1960's-era special effects.
WARP IN THE FOLD
An imbalance in Enterprise's warp drive causes undulations in the fabric of space, leading to unsightly wrinkles in Starfleet uniforms for over a hundred years.
DAY OF THE DAUB
Enterprise is taken over by five gay aliens who redecorate everything in bright primary colours. Doctor Phlox is so impressed by the positive effect these colours have on crew morale he recommends the upcoming Constitution-class starships be painted in bright interior colours as well.
FALL OF THE KLINGON RIDGES
Enterprise encounters a race of hostile aliens known as Klingons, eager to test themselves in combat against the humans. Archer realises that humanity cannot survive an encounter with this warrior species. Meanwhile, Chancellor Kork has enlisted the help of genetic scientists to create Kong, the ultimate Klingon warrior (who resembles an enormous ape). Disguised as Klingon janitors, Archer and Phlox infiltrate the laboratory and alter the genetic material of Kong. When Kork orders that Kong's DNA be injected into his warriors, it creates a genetic mutation that destroys their forehead ridges. The Klingons are so embarrassed by the disappearance of their mighty ridges they refuse to face the humans for an entire century, by which time Starfleet is better able to confront them.
THE DEVIL IN THE BELLY
Enterprise makes first contact with the Trill, a race of beautiful humanoids. But Archer discovers that the Trill harbour a dark secret, with large numbers of their population having been possessed by slug-like aliens. Seeking to protect the Trill from this sinister invasion, Archer wipes out 100,000 possessed Trills with the newly developed photon torpedo. The war comes to an abrupt halt however when Dr Phlox discovers that the so-called 'possession' is a normal part of Trill culture. The embarrassing incident becomes a major factor in the establishment of the Prime Directive.
WHAT ARE LITTLE ALIENS MADE OF?
Section 31, a secret organisation within Starfleet, hopes to increase the cultural influence of Earth. They encourage Captain Archer to have sex with every alien species he encounters in order to breed a race of human-looking aliens throughout the galaxy. Our noble captain refuses to take part in this evil plan, but the episode ends on a sinister note when Section 31 finds someone more amenable to the idea – a young ensign named James T. Kirk.
WHERE NO WOMAN WILL GO NO MORE
Misogynistic elements in Starfleet arrange for Ensign Kirk to become the helmsman of Captain Erika Hernandez. Columbia is therefore launched at one-quarter impulse and gets splattered over half the solar system. Starfleet then bans all women from becoming starship captains, leading to the events of Turnabout Intruder.
A TASTE OF TECHNOBABBLE
When Enterprise falls through a plothole in subspace, the problem is solved with the help of a powerful yet benevolent alien called Technobabble. The alien is eager to join the crew in their exploration of the universe, but T'Pol warns of the danger of becoming too dependent on Technobabble as an easy way out of difficult situations.
SHAGGIN' TRAIN TO THE STARS
Enterprise is seized by a group of fanatical extremists known as 'Trekkies', outraged over the air of cheap sexploitation that permeates the ship. With the help of Technobabble they reincarnate their deity, The Great Bird of the Galaxy (or 'Gene' for short) in order to reintroduce his values. Gene promptly removes T'pol and Hoshi from major speaking roles, insists that all women wear clothes constantly on the verge of falling off, and expresses great admiration for the decontamination chamber saying, "Why didn't I think of that?" Angry Trekkies finally bundle Gene out the airlock, sparking a conflict with passing Tellarites who do not appreciate being given the Bird.
THE WRATH OF REED
Whilst suffering from an alien disease, a feverish Lieutenant Reed mistakes Hoshi's large round head for an orbiting moon he can use to test Enterprise's weapons. Can the emergency adoption of Starfleet's new 'beehive' hairstyle prevent Hoshi's head from being obliterated by a handheld tactical nuclear missile?
BALANCE OF ERROR
Captain Archer is stunned when his steward Daniels declares that Enterprise is the focal point of a Temporal Cold War, in which the sexist exploitation of the 1960's conflicts with the political correctness of the 90's which in turn struggles against the militarism of the post-9/11 era. Daniels declares that unless these forces are reconciled, there will be a catastrophic loss of 'ratings' and Enterprise will cease to exist! Archer consults T'Pol, who denigrates the idea as the Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that nothing so illogical could ever happen in real life.
OPERATION: PROCRASTINATE!
In accordance with the ideals of universal tolerance, Archer decides to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. But his superiors, fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. Subsequently the mysterious Daniels sends Archer two hundred years into the future where he meets Captain Picard, who has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. However his superiors, fearing a conservative backlash, order Picard to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. Archer's travels then take him to Deep Space Nine, where Captain Sisko has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. But fearing a conservative backlash, his superiors order Sisko to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. On leaving DS9 Archer is thrown 70,000 light years across the galaxy by the Caretaker. There he encounters the starship Voyager, whose captain has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. But fearing a conservative backlash...
THE CAFFEINE THRESHOLD
Answering a distress call from a mud planet, Captain Archer finds it inhabited by a race of amphibians descended from a future Starfleet captain and her helmsman who traveled back in time when they broke the Warp Ten barrier. Their species is dying out, but Phlox discovers the solution when he realises they are chemically dependent on the drug caffeine. Archer agrees to regular shipments of coffee in exchange for the amphibians remaining silent about how this whole embarrassing situation came about in the first place (this incident was the final straw in the establishment of the Prime Directive). An amusing subplot has the away team losing their shoes in the planet's mud, leading Archer to recommend that all Starfleet personnel wear knee-high boots.
WHO MOURNS FOR REDSHIRTS?
The sinister Section 31 returns with a plan to reduce Earth's chronic overpopulation by placing expendable crewmembers in red shirts so they will become easier targets for hostile aliens.
A PRIVATE LITTLE WOMAN
After discovering the mirror universe Starfleet creates the official position of Captain's Woman, but a feminist backlash causes it to be changed to the more discreet term of 'yeoman' instead.
SLASH SEED
T'Pol confides to Hoshi that she is going through the pon farr, a Vulcan condition in which she must have sex or die. Acting purely out of selfless friendship for her beautiful colleague, the female ensign agrees to relieve her condition with the aid of some unusual alien vegetables. Unfortunately their lovemaking is seen by Klonk, the homophobic Klingon ambassador. Klonk threatens to unleash a vast fleet of warbirds that will reduce Earth to ashes if he ever has to witness such acts over his breakfast gagh again. Archer therefore bans all homosexual liaisons between Starfleet personnel. T'Pol informs the captain that during her orgasm she experienced a telepathic vision of the future, in which Archer's decision will lead to a phenomenon known as 'slash fiction'.
BRAGA'S BRAIN
A mysterious female alien steals the brain of Enterprise's scriptwriter, who seeks to fill the ensuing vacuum with mediocre storylines, gratuitous displays of flesh, recycled Trek cliches, various canon violations, and implausible plot developments.
GET NAKED TIME
The crew of Enterprise is overjoyed to encounter the Deltans - beautiful hairless telepaths whose culture is based on sexual intercourse. But during the subsequent first contact orgy, Captain Archer cannot avoid thinking of them as "the Sluts of the Universe." Picking up the stray thought, the outraged Deltans inflict Archer with the Curse of Delta IV, making all male Starfleet captains bald and horny for generations to come.
THE CROSSOVER SYNDROME
A transporter accident causes Archer to quantum leap through the lives of future Starfleet captains, whose crews are dumbfounded by their sudden shifts in personality. Captain Picard changes from ready room furniture to shirt-stripping action hero, Sisko from a silent lump of wood to a bald hammy actor, while Chakotay is puzzled as to why Janeway hasn't followed up on their flirting and is instead hanging around that sexy Borg all the time.
SNITTY ON THE EDGE OF NEUROPRESSURE
On discovering Commander Tucker's interest in sexy MACO Amanda Cole, T'pol undergoes the pon feline, which causes illogical catty behavior in Vulcan women. Can Trip survive being caught between two feuding females with the strength to mash his nuts into pecan pie?
THE ANIME WITHIN
When Enterprise is drawn into a universe with only two dimensions, the crew find themselves lacking more depth than usual. So as their minds can comprehend their unusual environment, the resident godlike alien converts them all into cartoon characters. Archer becomes Goofy, Hoshi is Sailor Moon, the MACO's are the Care Bears, while in a gross temporal anomaly T'pol becomes Spock from the Star Trek animated series. Unfortunately disaster strikes when Hoshi appears in a live subspace broadcast back to Earth. On realising that their national heroine has turned into a short-skirted, wide-eyed schoolgirl constantly on the verge of showing her knickers, half the male population of Japan instantly come in their pants.
DAY OF THE TRIBBLES
The Klingons have discovered a new fuel source, a small furry creature called a tribble which makes a satisfactory whoosh! as it bursts into flame after being tossed into a warp core. Shocked by this blatant cruelty to animals, Archer orders Phlox to create a species of tribble that will react violently to Klingons while cooing in a pleasing manner around humanoids, thereby ensuring their protection. But when the unexpected arrival of a Klingon battlecruiser threatens their plan, Phlox speeds up the process of evolution by altering the tribble's DNA to enable them to breed like...well...tribbles.
This single act is directly responsible for the hostile state of Klingon/Starfleet relations over the next hundred years.
FOR MY HEAD IS HOLLOW AND I AM BLONDE
A disastrous command decision by one of Archer's female officers leads Starfleet to rule that women be restricted to the positions of yeoman and intergalactic telephone operator.
THE LOUD MINDERS
In order to protect Archer from numerous attempts to kidnap him, the captain is given a squad of obnoxious MACO's as bodyguards.
THEY STOLE ARCHER'S BRAIN
T'Pol and Trip are uncertain whether Archer is being unduly influenced by a trio of green Orion babes, or just showing his natural incompetence.
CATS THAW
Enterprise makes first contact with the feline Kzinti (a race seen on the Star Trek animated series) whose ambassador is The Cat from Red Dwarf. Hoshi is unable to interpret his "YEEEHAAAAHOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!", Archer smells like a beagle and T'Pol's so-called 'catsuit' has it howling, but Trip saves the day with his welcome meal of pan-fried catfish.
TEMPORAL COLD PAW
In order to help Archer in his travels in time, Daniels replaces Porthos with a robotic dog called K9. Archer is not amused.
WHO DELIVERS FOR ADONIS?
The hand of Apollo places an enormous cup of tea on Enterprise's saucer section, and commands them to take it back to Earth without spilling a drop.
DAGGER OF THE BEHIND
Archer, alien abductors, and the anal probe.
DUD DOCTOR
Enterprise receives an urgent message from the Interspecies Medical Exchange, warning that Phlox is a notorious quack who thinks he can cure people with eels.
AFFLICTION, PART II
In their attempt to produce Augmented Andorians, the Imperial Guard create a mutative virus that makes Andorian antennae stiff for hundreds of years.
THE NEARLY NAKED TIME
Tribbles infest the garment planet of Fashionia, leading to a massive rise in the cost of women's clothing. In order to preserve cloth throughout the quadrant, an Enterprise crewman called Bill Theiss designs a skimpy anti-gravity dress which stays on even when constantly on the verge of falling off.
TWO MEN AND A SEHLAT
On their first night on Vulcan, Trip sneaks into T'Pol's bedroom, steps on a tail in the darkness and promptly has a chunk torn out of his buttocks by T'Pol's pet sehlat. Later, T'Pol busts Kos training her sehlat to attack a large photograph of Trip's rear end.
LET THIS BE YOUR LAST TUCKER-FEEL
T'pol is called before the High Command to explain this whole business of 'Vulcan neuropressure', which no Vulcan has ever heard of.
VANISHING PANTIES
After an emergency use of the transporter to escape the surface of a planet, Hoshi thinks her molecules have not been correctly reassembled as her underwear keeps vanishing. T'Pol tells Hoshi to pull herself together, put a lock on her panty drawer, and set course for Risa as certain members of the crew have clearly been too long without sex.
IN A BEDROOM DAILY
Hoshi starts to channel her mirror universe self and sleeps with any officer who can advance her career. When Phlox offers to cure her, Archer has him transferred immediately.
WHERE SILENCE HAS LEASE
Enterprise enters a mirror universe where Ensign Mayweather is the only one who can speak.
CYBERSMEG (Red Dwarf crossover)
A mad scientist kidnaps Archer and cybergrafts the product of an Italian domestic appliance company onto his neck, leading to the world's first smeghead.
MYTHBUSTERS ENTERPRISE!
Enterprise plays host to a Mythbusters special in which Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman test the myth of whether T'pol's breast implants would explode in the vacuum of space. While the Vulcan questions the scientific validity (not to mention sheer necessity) of their test, complications ensue when Adam mistakes the mute Mayweather for Buster, their scorched and blackened crash test dummy, and fulfils the requisite Mythbusters weekly big bang by detonating fifty sticks of dynamite inside the ensign's trousers.
28 GAYS LATER
After spending the usual inordinate amount of time in decontamination, T'Pol emerges to find the Enterprise has become infected by an unusual (one would say...positively queer) virus, which turns everyone on the ship into voracious homosexuals. Can the sexy Vulcan survive the subsequent muff-munching madness without being eaten alive by her fellow female crewmates?
TURN-A-HEAD INTRUDER
In order to repair numerous temporal disruptions made by Captain Archer for the sake of plot convenience, the Federation Timeship 'Relativity' recruits Seven of Nine to infiltrate Enterprise. This proves more difficult than imagined as the sight of the voluptuous Borg striding around in a miniskirt causes numerous accidents on board the ship. After Enterprise is nearly piloted into a black hole when Seven bends over to pick up a dropped padd, Archer has to explain to her that wearing underwear IS relevant. Seven of Nine decides to create a less-revealing dermaplastic garment, basing the design on something she saw when the Relativity went back to the days of the Roman Empire. Unfortunately a visiting alien ambassador sees Seven in her new toga and sparks off a galaxy-wide toga craze that lasts until Kirk's day. Then the evil Suliban attack the ship, hoping to gain the secret of the toga for themselves. After a desperate space battle the Suliban vessel is fatally crippled and Seven is startled to hear Captain Archer order its total destruction. "What about human compassion?" she inquires. "F__k compassion, those bastards tried to kill my crew!" replies Archer, whereupon the former drone finally discovers true love.
THE BALD TIME
In an effort to boost flagging ratings, Captain Jean-Luc Picard travels back in time to the NX-01 Enterprise. Annoyed by young Kirk's snide remarks about his bald head, Picard violates the Temporal Prime Directive by saying, "One day you'll be captain of the Enterprise...and bald!" Kirk becomes so hysterical over the thought of losing his hair that Archer believes he has gone mad. Archer is about to phaser him out of existence when Picard saves the timeline by pointing out that Kirk is merely over-acting as usual. Picard and Kirk apologise to each other, with Picard commenting dryly on the need to think before opening one's mouth. Kirk takes the lesson to heart, promising to insert numerous pauses in his speech patterns from now on. In a moving coda, Picard presents Jim Kirk with his Captain's Toupee.
"One day...I will wear this...with pride," says the future Captain Kirk.
yay! red dwarf references!!!!!
If ENT made it to a seventh season, it would have aired this fall and be cut short by the writers strike. Fans would be complaining that they would be no resolution to the romulan war arch.
MeanJoePhaser
Admiral
Well, shit, now I gotta dust off my future episodes list, too.
You would've seen a return to stand alone episodes more, even more references to other Trek shows, some celebrity guests to boost ratings and some new, familiar named, antagonists.
"Survival Time" -Archer, Reed and T-Pol are forced to compete in a deadly alien game show. Special Guest Stars Jeff Probst and Richard "Not Apollo" Hatch (pending parole).
"Warping the Half Pipe" -to secure a part needed to repair the ship, Trip competes in a hover board competition. Special Guest Star: Tony Hawk
"There's Something About Hoshi" -Hoshi is infected with alien phermones that make the men onboard go to ridiculous extremes to win her love.
"Stop, I Want Off This Ship!" Special musical episode. With Tucker singing "I hate every alien I see, from Xin-A to Xin-D!", and of course Archer singing "Faith of the Heart".
"That's the Night that the Lights Went Out in Sickbay" - Phlox is wrongly accused of murder. Vicki Lawrence guest stars.
"Marooned 5" - Trip Tucker becomes a castaway for the fifth time, this time he shares his fate with musical group Maroon 5, who appears as maroon-colored aliens.
"Pre-Pleg Neesta" - prequel to TOS' OMEGA GLORY.
"Nothing But Tribble"- Part one of the tribble story arc, Starfleet deals with more eugenics fall-out after tribbles consume augment DNA and mutate. (Who doesn't want tribbles on ENTERPRISE?)
"Double Tribble" - Part 2. (Who doesn't want more tribbles on ENTERPRISE?)
"Triple Tribble" -Part three of the Tribble Arc. (Who doesn't want even MORE tribbles on ENTERPRISE?)
"Kling-Off!" -Reed tries to reject the romantic advances of a lovestruck Klingon female.
"Cowboys and Idiots" -Enterprise discovers another planet inhabited human descedants of 19th century Americans, who are ruled over by cruel, yet absurdly stupid Pakleds.
"Rewind" -Archer's life comes under threat and he must recall past adventures to determine who's out to get him. (Writer's strike CLIP SHOW)
"Blue in the Face" -Earth's initial encounter with Bolians is an embarrasing affair, after __(insert crew member)____ mistakenly __(stupid action)___ the Bolian ___(something important)___.
"Balok, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" -Investigating an arms race between two feuding alien cultures, the crew discovers a pint-sized alien (guest star Verne Troyer) is selling weapons to both sides.
"Whom Dogs Annoy" -Powerful aliens threaten to destroy Enterprise after Porthos poops in their park.
"Vanished" -The crew finally realizes that Mayweather hasn't been in the last 10 episodes. The crew must recall past adventures to figure out what happened. (Yet another writer's strike clip show)
TUCKER AND THE MINDSUCKER
A mysterious being steals Trip's brain. Thanks to bizarre Denobulan physiology, Phlox temporarily replaces the absent organ with a piece of his own to keep Tucker's body alive until they can recover the missing membrane.
ONLY DOG KNOWS WHY
The crew wakes up to find that Enterprise is adrift in uncharted space and they have no memories of the past 48 hours. The key to unravelling the mystery lies in the mind of the only one unaffected: Porthos. Written by Brannon Braga based on ideas stolen from Bruce D. Arthurs and Joe Menosky.
YOU SHOT MY T'POL
Commander Tucker vowes revenge after Klingon renegades wound T'Pol in an ambush.
ONE NIGHT IN BALOK
Archer and crew run across Balok (Verne Troyer), this time the devious dwarf has made himself mayor of an exotic alien metropolis and challenges the crew to a test of cerebral fitness. Will the tough guys of Enterprise tumble?
HOSHI'S COOKIES
After visiting an interstellar marketplace, Hoshi returns to the ship with a box of cookies that causes anyone who consumes them to act strangely. Special Guest star Tommy Chong.
MUDD BUSTER
Captain Archer must settle a dispute between a frieghter crew and shifty space trader Corrigan "Corry" Mudd (Bruce Campbell).
MUSINGS OF A FUTURE GUY
Enterprise has a suprise visit from Shran (Jeffery Combs), who shares information about the mysterious time-manipulating ally of the Suliban.
DEBUGGING ENTRY
When the ship's doors and airlocks start to malfunction, Tucker suspects an alien lifeform is to blame.
DEAD RINGER
After alien lifeforms severly damage ENTERPISE, the ship arrives at a Replikan repair station for repairs. However, the aliens have a secret agenda.
EVILPRISE
Archer and the crew battle the Replikan's exact copy of the ENTERPRISE.
THESE ARE THE VOYAGERS...
Captain Janeway (very special guest star Kate Mulgrew) uses a holodeck program of Archer's Enterprise to determine whether or not she can trust her future self (special guest star Kate Mulgrew).
You would've seen a return to stand alone episodes more, even more references to other Trek shows, some celebrity guests to boost ratings and some new, familiar named, antagonists.
"Survival Time" -Archer, Reed and T-Pol are forced to compete in a deadly alien game show. Special Guest Stars Jeff Probst and Richard "Not Apollo" Hatch (pending parole).
"Warping the Half Pipe" -to secure a part needed to repair the ship, Trip competes in a hover board competition. Special Guest Star: Tony Hawk
"There's Something About Hoshi" -Hoshi is infected with alien phermones that make the men onboard go to ridiculous extremes to win her love.
"Stop, I Want Off This Ship!" Special musical episode. With Tucker singing "I hate every alien I see, from Xin-A to Xin-D!", and of course Archer singing "Faith of the Heart".
"That's the Night that the Lights Went Out in Sickbay" - Phlox is wrongly accused of murder. Vicki Lawrence guest stars.
"Marooned 5" - Trip Tucker becomes a castaway for the fifth time, this time he shares his fate with musical group Maroon 5, who appears as maroon-colored aliens.
"Pre-Pleg Neesta" - prequel to TOS' OMEGA GLORY.
"Nothing But Tribble"- Part one of the tribble story arc, Starfleet deals with more eugenics fall-out after tribbles consume augment DNA and mutate. (Who doesn't want tribbles on ENTERPRISE?)
"Double Tribble" - Part 2. (Who doesn't want more tribbles on ENTERPRISE?)
"Triple Tribble" -Part three of the Tribble Arc. (Who doesn't want even MORE tribbles on ENTERPRISE?)
"Kling-Off!" -Reed tries to reject the romantic advances of a lovestruck Klingon female.
"Cowboys and Idiots" -Enterprise discovers another planet inhabited human descedants of 19th century Americans, who are ruled over by cruel, yet absurdly stupid Pakleds.
"Rewind" -Archer's life comes under threat and he must recall past adventures to determine who's out to get him. (Writer's strike CLIP SHOW)
"Blue in the Face" -Earth's initial encounter with Bolians is an embarrasing affair, after __(insert crew member)____ mistakenly __(stupid action)___ the Bolian ___(something important)___.
"Balok, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" -Investigating an arms race between two feuding alien cultures, the crew discovers a pint-sized alien (guest star Verne Troyer) is selling weapons to both sides.
"Whom Dogs Annoy" -Powerful aliens threaten to destroy Enterprise after Porthos poops in their park.
"Vanished" -The crew finally realizes that Mayweather hasn't been in the last 10 episodes. The crew must recall past adventures to figure out what happened. (Yet another writer's strike clip show)
TUCKER AND THE MINDSUCKER
A mysterious being steals Trip's brain. Thanks to bizarre Denobulan physiology, Phlox temporarily replaces the absent organ with a piece of his own to keep Tucker's body alive until they can recover the missing membrane.
ONLY DOG KNOWS WHY
The crew wakes up to find that Enterprise is adrift in uncharted space and they have no memories of the past 48 hours. The key to unravelling the mystery lies in the mind of the only one unaffected: Porthos. Written by Brannon Braga based on ideas stolen from Bruce D. Arthurs and Joe Menosky.
YOU SHOT MY T'POL
Commander Tucker vowes revenge after Klingon renegades wound T'Pol in an ambush.
ONE NIGHT IN BALOK
Archer and crew run across Balok (Verne Troyer), this time the devious dwarf has made himself mayor of an exotic alien metropolis and challenges the crew to a test of cerebral fitness. Will the tough guys of Enterprise tumble?
HOSHI'S COOKIES
After visiting an interstellar marketplace, Hoshi returns to the ship with a box of cookies that causes anyone who consumes them to act strangely. Special Guest star Tommy Chong.
MUDD BUSTER
Captain Archer must settle a dispute between a frieghter crew and shifty space trader Corrigan "Corry" Mudd (Bruce Campbell).
MUSINGS OF A FUTURE GUY
Enterprise has a suprise visit from Shran (Jeffery Combs), who shares information about the mysterious time-manipulating ally of the Suliban.
DEBUGGING ENTRY
When the ship's doors and airlocks start to malfunction, Tucker suspects an alien lifeform is to blame.
DEAD RINGER
After alien lifeforms severly damage ENTERPISE, the ship arrives at a Replikan repair station for repairs. However, the aliens have a secret agenda.
EVILPRISE
Archer and the crew battle the Replikan's exact copy of the ENTERPRISE.
THESE ARE THE VOYAGERS...
Captain Janeway (very special guest star Kate Mulgrew) uses a holodeck program of Archer's Enterprise to determine whether or not she can trust her future self (special guest star Kate Mulgrew).
Would of been nice to have seen future seasons that never happened. I was watching the Ent Marathron on Scifi last friday and was thinking damn, this could of been great, if Paramount had let Ent go on longer. I think they should of given it a break after VGR went off air for at least a year and let fans beg for more.
Re: Seasons, 5, 6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
Cue the scab accusations!
Although that would've very likely ground production to a complete halt, there are always a few Phase II scripts which could be reworked. Anything but air a clipshow like TNG Shades of Gray. Then there's the open script policy favoured during those early years... having fans submit storylines resulting in much the same outcome as Season Four (without the anti-climatic ending of course).
Cue the scab accusations!
Re: Seasons 5, 6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
While I agree, better that than the supposed follow-up to the S2 Borg episode that the Reeves-Stevens supposedly wanted to do. Not that I don't think they could have pulled off a decent enough Borg episode, but who the hell wants to see an alien species that has long overstayed it's welcome?
Re: Seasons 5, 6 and 7, What would we have seen ?
I have seen the cloud miners, but I still thought it would have been interestng to see Coto's take on what led to the TO episode.
He may have been full of TOS fanwank during S4, but at least he was bringing the old crowd back in to Enterprise who were previously against it during S1 and S2. This is what the show needed and I think S5 would have been fantastic.
Even though it was the borg, which I thought were too overused in Voyager, a borg queen origin episode sounded interesting to me. Regeneration was done well in my opinion so this one didn't turn me away and groan at the sound of it.
I have seen the cloud miners, but I still thought it would have been interestng to see Coto's take on what led to the TO episode.
He may have been full of TOS fanwank during S4, but at least he was bringing the old crowd back in to Enterprise who were previously against it during S1 and S2. This is what the show needed and I think S5 would have been fantastic.
Even though it was the borg, which I thought were too overused in Voyager, a borg queen origin episode sounded interesting to me. Regeneration was done well in my opinion so this one didn't turn me away and groan at the sound of it.
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