Let's parody all ten movies!

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Kirk: "What does God need with a starship?"

God: "What does a Starfleet Captain need with a hairpiece? And what about the girdle? Lardo!"

 

[Peach Wookiee]

Star Trek IX:
Data (as they're looking for the cloaked Son'a vessel): Dude, where's my starship..?
Picard: Sweet!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Data: "In the event of an emergency, I am designed to operate as a sex aid"

Picard: "Very good Data, but not exactly relevant."

Son'a woman: "Oh, I wouldn't say that"

 

[Kegek]

TMP

Decker: These ships were all named Enterprise. See, naval ship... space shuttle... and a Matt Jeffries design from an aborted series...
Ilia-Probe: Where is the NX-01?
Decker: Hasn't been retconned yet.

TWOK

Khan and his genetic supermen on Ceti Alpha V look up at the Reliant.

Super-Midget: Ze starship! Ze starship!

TSFS

Morrow: Jim... if you do this... you'll never command a starship again.
Kirk: Or they'll recast you.
Morrow: That'll never happen.

TVH

Kirk: You were saying?
Cartwright: Buh?

TFF

Kirk: What does god need with a starship?
God-Alien: It makes me look cool.
Kirk: Nevermind then...

TUC

Chekov: Guess who's coming to dinner...
Uhura: Sidney Poitier?
Chekov: You wish!

GEN

Kirk: I was out saving the galaxy before your grandfather was in diapers.
Picard: In my age, mankind has evolved beyond the need for diapers.

FC

Picard: I'll smash all these models of starships named Enterprise! The Enterprise-A, B, C, D...
Lily: Where is the NX-01?
Picard: Hasn't been retconned yet. Hey, why would you know about it?
Lily: I may not read much, but I watch a lot of TV.

INS

Picard: How many lives does it take, Admiral, before it becomes wrong?
Dougherty: 47?

NEM

Riker: Worf! It's so good to see you resigned from being a Klingon Ambassador and returned to your tactical position on the Enterprise-E, despite wearing the red uniform of command! So, what's going on there?
Worf: Well, I -
Riker: Wesley! So good to see you've come back from exploring time and space with the Traveller and have also returned to Starfleet. Motivation?
Wesley: Well, I -
Beverly: Sir, allow me to congratulate you on accepting your capitancy, despite consistently during the offer down for fifteen years so you would one-day become Captain of the Enterprise. Any reasons?
Riker: Well, I -
Data: If I may speculate, perhaps they are similar to your assignment as head of Starfleet medical before returning to the Enterprise as doctor, Doctor. Aren't you going back now to Starfleet Medical?
Beverly: Well, I -
Picard: I'm sure this conversation is fascinating, but let's drop it and include an extended dune buggy sequence instead.

 

[Aldo]

TMP

Chief DiFalco: Heading, sir?
Kirk: Out there... thataway, somewhere over there. No no, to the left. No my left, no you're doing it wrong! Fuck it, just take us home.
---------------------------------------------------------

TWOK

Saavik: He's never what I expect, sir.
Spock: What surprises you, Lieutenant?
Saavik: His penis sir, it's tiny.
Spock: Nobody's perfect, Saavik.
--------------------------------------------

TSFS

Kirk: You should take the Vulcan too.
Kruge: Sure
Kirk: But why...um, I mean, ok.
------------------------------------------

TVH

Vulcan Computer: What was Kiri-Kin-Tha's first law of metaphysics?
Spock: How the fuck should I know?
-----------------------------------------

TFF

McCoy: I'll tell you one thing, Spock: You never cease to amaze me.
Spock: Niether does this screenplay, who knew I had a brother?
-------------------------------------------

 

[drasche]

FC

Picard: Mr Worf, pursuit course. Let's catch that Borg sphere!
Worf: What about the rest of the fleet, sir?
Picard: Let them rot there, this is my fight!



Security officer: It's pretty bad, sir. It looks like they control decks 26 up to 11.
Worf: Good thing the captain isn't here to hear that, he thinks the ship has 24 decks.

 

[DizzyMan]

Here's my first attempt…

Star Trek: Generations

Riker: "Computer! Remove Plank!"

[The plank vanishes and Worf falls in the sea.]

[Everyone looks annoyed at Riker.]

Riker looks around, puzzled: "What?"

Picard: "Don't play dumb. That was a pretty stupid joke."

LaForge shakes his head in disappointment: "Not funny."

Data looks puzzled and turns to Crusher: "Doctor, I fail to see why this was not considered 'funny'. What is not funny about Lt. Commander Worf falling into freezing water?"

Crusher: "Data, if you're going to make people laugh, you've got to do more than just rely on wordplay and slapstick humour to get a cheap laugh. The joke has to have contextual meaning and be character-based. And it has to truly surprise the audience. Got it?"

Data: "Got it."

[Data pushes Crusher into the water. Everyone laughs histerically.]

 

[MeanJoePhaser]

First Contact

Worf: "If you were any other man, I'd kill you where you stand!"

Picard: "Having seen the scripts to the next two films, I should probably let you."

and

Borg Queen: "Watch your future's end."

Picard: "But if you end my future, you also end yours and your reasons for wanting to assimilate Earth."

Borg Queen: "Oh, bullocks, I hadn't thought of that."

STIV

Spock: "Admiral, if we assume that these whales are ours to do with as we please, then we are no better than those who caused their extinction."

Kirk: "Not even a little bit better?"

STIV:

Federation President: "We've decided that Admiral Kirk should be demoted to captain and assigned to do what he does best...having unprotected sex with exotic women."

Kirk: "YES!"

 

[Holytomato]

Federation President: "We've decided that Admiral Kirk should be demoted to captain and assigned to do what he does best...having unprotected sex with exotic women."

Kirk: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Woman #1: "I had twins."

Tribble #4, 12, & 124: "I had Trillions."

Savvick: "Why do you think I changed my face!?"

McCoy: "Every time Jim has unprotected sex with exotic women, Scotty gets' fat!"

Scott: "NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Spock: "That is a logical deduction Doctor."

 

[Peach Wookiee]

Star Trek V
Kirk: We need someone to distract those men with horses.
Spock: Captain, might I suggest we dress in drag and do a hula?
Uhura: Better yet, I'll reenact something from "Striptease."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Star Trek II

Joachim: "Our shields, they're going down."

Khan: "What? Raise them."

Joachim: "I'm trying!"

Windoze 3000 mainframe: "Prefix code deactivation detected, to override press any key"

Khan: "The any key, the any key. Where's the any key?"

 

[drasche]

TMP

Kirk: Alright, let's have it. Why was my phaser order countermanded?
Decker: I could have explained right on the bridge but I didn't want to bother. Countermand you and take things in my own hands in front of your old crew was much more fun.

 

[CaptainJon]

The Motion Picture

McCoy: Spock, this child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do? Spank it?
Spock: And end up in court on child abuse charges that will not only delay production, but also break the budget? Not likely.

Decker: Jim, I want this. As much as you wanted the Enterprise, I want this.
Kirk: You know what? This may actually be the first time where someone else gets the ass and I don't.

The Wrath of Khan
Saavik: Admiral, may I ask a question?
Kirk: What's on your mind, Lieutenant?
Saavik: The Kobayashi Maru, sir.
Kirk: Are you asking me if we're playing out that scenario now?
Saavik: On the test, sir. Will you tell me what you did? I would really like to know.
McCoy: Lieutenant, you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenairo.
Saavik: How?
Kirk: I slept with the programmer and learned how it was possible to save the ship.
Saavik: What?
David: He cheated.

The Search for Spock
Sulu: If I read this right, sir, we have full power.
Kirk: Go, Sulu.
The ship backs up into the exploding planet.
Sulu: Oops. Maybe I should go forwards?

The Voyage Home
Chekov: Admiral, we have found a nuclear wessel.
Kirk: A what?
Chekov: A nuclear wessel.
Kirk: Come again?
Chekov: A nuclear wessel.
Spock: Vessel, sir.
Kirk: Oh! A nuclear vessel!
Chekov: That is what I said, a nuclear wessel.
Kirk: No, you said wessel.
Chekov: I did not.
Kirk: Yes you did.
Chekov: Did not.
Kirk: Did too.
Chekov: I said nuclear wessel.
Kirk: A nuclear vessel.
Chekov: That is what I said. A nuclear wessel.
Kirk: STOP SAYING THAT! IT'S VESSEL, GODDAMMIT! SAYING IT RIGHT OR I'LL LEAVE YOUR ASS BEHIND!
Chekov: You say that now, but you always come back for me.
Kirk: Son of a bitch...he's right.

The Final Frontier
Spock: I do not believe you realize the gravity of your situation.
Kirk: Gravity was foremost on my--
Kirk falls...Spock takes chase...Spock grabs hold of Kirk with plenty of room to spare.
Spock: I've got you.
Spock's boots run out of gas
Kirk: Who's got you?
Spock: Is this time for a colorful metaphor?
Kirk and Spock fall.

Kirk and McCoy sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Kirk: Come on. Spock...why didn't you jump in?
Spock: I was trying to comprehend why my character would take part in such a meaningless ritual.

The Undiscovered Country
Sulu: Stardate 9521.6. Captain's log, USS Excelsior. Hikaru Sulu commanding. After twenty-five years of being trapped behind Shatner's huge (yet nicely formed) ass, I finally have my own starship. Take that, muthaf***er!
Valentin: Too bad we're cataloguing gaseous planetary anomalies.
Sulu: Shut up and let me enjoy the moment.

Kirk: Captain's log, stardate 9522.6. I've never trusted the Klingons, and I never will.I could never forgive them for the death of my boy. It seems to me our mission to escort the Chancellor of the Klingon High Council to a peace summit is...hey...why the hell is my door open? Who's there? Valeris?
Valeris: Hi.
Kirk: How much did you hear?
Valeris: You mean, did I hear the part where you've never trusted the Klingons and never will because you can't forgive them for the death of your son?
Kirk: Yes.
Valeris: Nope. Didn't hear a thing.
Kirk: Good.

Spock: Mr. Scott, I understand you are experiencing difficulties with the warp drive.
Scotty: There's nothing wrong with the bloody thing.
Spock: Mr. Scott, there is nothing wrong with admitting you have a problem. It is perfectly normal for men your age to have difficulties with the warp drive.
Scotty: But I just said, sir, there is nothing wrong with my warp drive!

Generations
Kirk: You know, I'm glad you're a doctor. With tact like that you'd make a lousy psychiatrist.
Scott: But, sir...I'm an engineer, not a doctor.
Kirk: What? You mean you haven't recast DeForrest?
Scott: No, sir. I'm Scotty.
David Carson [director]: Hands Kirk the right script copy
Kirk: Oh. Wrong script. Sorry. Sorry everybody! Take two!

Picard looks around the barn and finds Kirk who is smiling brightly.
Picard: This is not your bedroom.
Kirk: No it's not. It's better.
Picard: Better? (takes a step back) That wasn't in your personal profile.

 

[Candlelight]

"You Klingon bastard, you... you killed my son..."

"I don't believe this emotion you're showing Kirk"

"Fine, watch me fall off my chair, THAT'LL SHOW YOU!"

*Kirk falls off chair*

"Whoa, he IS serious."

 

[TigerOfDarkness]

TFF:
First guard: Look
Second guard: Is she naked?
Third guard: Let's see, we're in the desert, on guard duty and a naked fan dancer appears. Must be a trap.
First guard: Yeah - let's fall for it anyway, I'm bored.
Second guard: Will we get a bonus for advancing the plot?


FC:
The bridge crew see the Earth, brown and yucky

Data: It can mean only one thing:
(turns to the camera, wearing a huge afro wig, starts to sing to the tune of Thin Lizzy's The Boys Are Back In Town, Riker and the others join on backing vocals)

The Borg are back in time!
The Borg are back in time!
etc.



Nemesis:
The Scimitar explodes, moments later, Data's head bounces off the bridge's force field




(Edited to correct the name of the movie - must concentrate...)
(...and again to correct "TVH" to TFF - really MUST concentrate...)

 

[DonIago]

Pretty sure there wasn't a fan dance in TVH...well, not the version _I_ saw.

 

[TigerOfDarkness]

DonIago said:
Pretty sure there wasn't a fan dance in TVH...well, not the version _I_ saw.

Absolutely, utterly correct! Gah! I got 2 out of three of the names wrong!! It was Nemesis where Data dies wasn't it?


TMP:
Ilia: Lt. Ilia reporting for duty sir.
(Uhura does a fan dance)
Kirk: Welcome aboard Lt.


TWOK:
Kirk: We tried it once your way, care to try it mine?
(Uhura does a fan dance)
Khan: Full power, damn you!


TSFS:
Mr. Adventure: This is most irregular - no transmissions, no encoded ids...
(Uhura does a fan dance)
Mr. Adventure: I'll go sit in the closet


TVH:
Kirk: Break it up! You look like a cadet parade!
(Uhura does a fan dance)


TUC:
Uhura: We've got all that equipment for detecting gaseous anomolies, well it must have a tail pipe, right?
(Uhura does a fan dance)
Spock: If Dr. McCoy will assist me?


GEN:
Riker: Remove plank
(Worf falls into the sea)
(Data does a fan dance)
Geordi: Data! That wasn't funny!


FC:
Data: Resistance is futile
(Data does a fan dance)


Insurection:
Data: Have you noticed our boobs are getting firmer?
(Data does a fan dance)



Nemesis:
(Data does a fan dance, whilst singing Blue Skies)
Worf: Irving Berlin!

 

[USS Mariner]

GEN

RIKER: [ORDERS PLANK REMOVED FROM UNDER WORF]

WORF: [DROWNING]

RIKER: [TURNING TO DATA, GRINNING] And that's why we're not a military.

DATA: I see.

[WHIPS OUT NAVY REVOLVER. FIRES AT RIKER'S FEET.]

DATA: Dance, Commander.

[RIKER DOES HIS WORST FLYING MONKEY IMPERSONATION. HE FALLS OFF THE SHIP.]

[THE CREW LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.]

 

[Aldo]

^^^You know, that makes no sense, but damn if it aint funny

 

[USS Mariner]

I was trying to make a hazing joke (because that's what Riker did,) but it came out weird.

Of course, it's no worse than the final product.