Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #534: Family Time
- Thread starter LeadHead
- Start date
Captain's Personal Log: Going home is nice, but avoiding family problems by drinking wine is nicer.
Lore: I sent the boy away and took this station for myself.
Data: Commander RIker may give you a commendation.
Helena: I forgot the Rokeg Blood Pie.
Worf: But MOM!
Crusher: Going off to random places with the Traveler? No, you're finishing the Academy and then going to spend the next 50 years paying off those student loans!
Kyle: Can you just order him to shave the beard as a favor to me?
JEAN-LUC: Ah, the finest vintage in all of England.
ROBERT: France.
JEAN-LUC: Right, France.
DATA: You're in my spot.
HELENA: He's all yours. One to beam out. Bye!
WORF: Wait...what?
WES: Why would I have Tardigrade DNA?
KYLE: I can assure you, Captain, Will never acts this way at home.
Data: You look snappy in that outfit. I should recommend Starfleet introduce collars to the uniforms.
Helena: You'll never guess who the father is.
Beverly: Wesley, Picard is your father.
Wesley: No. No, it's not true. That's impossible.
Beverly: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Wesley: Nooooo! [runs of to the Academy]
Picard: Will has stalled. You will now tell me how to reboot your son.
Jean: Print porn still sucks, Robert.
Robert: Ursula Andress 1965 has gotten me through many a long winter.
ROBERT: I'm so glad my son and I survived that barn fire. It was looking bad for a while then the emergency transporter system saved us at the last minute. Sorry about that clerical error that we were both reported dead.
JEAN-LUC: You damn well should be, it launched me into a spiritual crisis!
ROBERT: You're welcome, head canon.
DATA: Are you sure you're superior to me? Even I know not to blurt out the Pythagorean Theorem when pretending to be ignorant.
MRS. ROZHENKO: Son, are you completely sure you're not giving little Alexander crippling abandonment issues?
WORF: It's the future, there's a pill for that.
BEVERLY: No Wesley. You're not an annoying little brown-noser know it all. You're my special little guy!
KYLE: So how many times has he accidentally called you 'Dad'?
PICARD: Three so far.
'Jean-Luc, you do realize that binge drinking is not for the timid and it's hard to be satiated by it."
Data: "Lore, the ballet dancer heading toward the turbolift, does she spin clockwise or anticlockwise?"
Lore: 'Oh dear brother, I see her going both ways. And I don't need alcohol to do it. Actually, we do. Plain water lacks the electrolytes to keep our circuits at peak performance."
Worf: "What has Alexander done this time, has he eaten any books again?"
Beverly: "You got what from who in the where? When? Why?"
Wes: "In no order: cooties, battle bridge, Robin Leffner, I wanted cooties, 3AM"
Beverly: "If you're trying to say she's playing games with you, just say so. We're in Starfleet, we don't lie. We're just all right-brained. I took the ballet dancer test at Lore's request."
Picard: "As you can see, your son has a marvelous video collection. He's just bashful about showing his collection of dancing ballet dancer brain tests. All we know is that he's straight."
Mrs. Rozhenko: Honor - heard of it?
Chief O'Brien: Dayaaaaammmn!
Robert: And if you ask for English tea, I will throw you out of my home bodily. Drink the wine.
Wesley: Mom, do you know for sure the Captain isn't my father?
Beverly: We're Starfleet. We never lie.
Wesley: Yay!
Beverly: Now vamoose, the Fleet's in town.
Kyle: Will's mom used to take me around the solar system and back again.
Jean Luc: So I've heard in every bar from here to Qo'noS!
Kyle: She was a roller derby queen called the Betty the Bussard Collector, and let me tell you how she earned that nickname....
Lore: I replaced your LCARS with Internet Explorer 6. I hope that's all right.
Data: EEEVIL!!!
Picard: A Short Boxed on a Potsie coif? That's how you raise your son?
Kyle: Hey, I taught him all the great Lip Rugs: The Wild West. The Gunslinger. The Beardstache. The Horseshoe Mustache with Soul Patch. Hell, even the Corporate Beard! I even moved us to Alaska! Not my fault he went Gay Sailor.
Picard: I mean, I could accept perhaps a Norse Skipper, or even a Thor! But this GI Joe Nut Duster undermines our missions. Aliens never take us seriously - their manometers don't even register a blip!
Kyle: The Dutch... The Old Dutch... The Ancient Dutch... The Wolverine....
Picard: Didn't he watch superhero movies as a child?
Kyle: Nothing but! Do you know that for his 16th birthday I even sent him to barber camp, where they were certified in every comic hero Dirt Squirrel from The Tony to The Uncle Sam! I mean, there was this one Bolian kid there who could give you The Gordon or even The Stan without even breaking a sweat! Mott, I believe his name was.
Picard: That is incredible! I wonder if that's the same award-winning exo-beardologist I appointed as the Enterprise's barber! You know, I've always fancied a Crustache myself. Perhaps a Nick Fury - or even The Stan.
Kyle: Really? You seem more like a The Strange to me. So tell me Captain, why is it you never grew a Tea Strainer?
Picard: Oh, because I'm into grandmothers.
Kyle: Me too! But the boy wouldn't hear of 'em!
Picard: Kids, am I right?!
Riker: Can me and El Womb Broom go now?
Kyle: I mean, listen to that. Simmer down, Village People Cosplay!
Last edited:
Robert: Did you know that it was all a ploy by Marie? She uncovered father's old Boyfights movies that he made of us and goaded us into fighting in the vineyard. Boyfights: The Next Generation is already a viral hit!
Jean-Luc: I've made a huge mistake.
Lore: You can have it back.
Data: With your word that you have done nothing to it?
Lore: It depends...do you count downloading the CoinHive Bitcoin miner "nothing"?
Helena: Worf! Alexander here said you told him that you were playing "Hide and Seek."
Worf: We...were. It is complicated. Klingon "Hide and Seek" often involves fathers abandoning their sons lightyears away.
Alexander: I found you, now you're it!
Beverly: You're back by popular demand? Whose demand?
Will: Personal Log--Hearing the Captain and my father go at it have brought up some painful memories of childhood. It's my mother and father fighting all over again.
Kyle: We can hear you, son.
Will: I know, Dad! That's the point!
Similar threads
- Sticky
- Locked
