I'm a bit cross ~ can't choose between tears or violence

[K'Ehleyr]

Son got his A/S results yesterday (17 yr old exams) and he's officially a DUD!
2 D's ~ and a U, for goodness sake I thought you got scored for writing your name! The U was for physcology which I had to pay £30 for him to resit.
He has not come home yet, which is probably wise as the Klingon in me is coming out.

I have done encouragement, I have done 'what books do you need', I have bought a desk and coloured pens!
And to no avail. It would seem sitting in the park getting stoned is far more attactive
So I'm going for the Homer/Bart throttling bit!

Then last night, whilst I'm in tears and distress, Man informs me that if we were to get married next year, he would happily take me to his house, but not Son and his collection of friends. Which I understand, in a way.

If Son quits college, or is not admitted back, I lose half my income in credits.



I know that sounds selfish but

• I want him to get the education that I didn't.
• I don't want him to end up in his 40's with his hand's buried in a sink.

Am I bad?
What did your parents do for you?
And what have you done for your children?

Is it the stick or the carrot that works?

 

[judge alba]

suppose when he gets home make him do the washing up and tell him that's all he'll be doing . washing up for the rest of his life unless he pulls his finger out.

still at least your helping him out my parents weren't particularly bothered about my exams. (mind you later events showed why as they split six months later)

 

[Canadave]

I know that sounds selfish but

• I want him to get the education that I didn't.
• I don't want him to end up in his 40's with his hand's buried in a sink.

Am I bad?

Out of curiosity, have you asked him what he wants to do with his life? Perhaps he doesn't want higher education, and would rather learn a trade or something?

 

[USS Triumphant]

I'm not going to be of much help here, since my kids are pretty good, and as for my parents, what they did for me to make me a responsible adult was left me to fend for myself without any real parental supervision from 15 on. I've done pretty well, all-in-all. (Although learning some things on your own that other kids' parents teach them has been painful at times. Purchasing auto insurance, for example.)

But I will add one thing to what Canadave said: I'm not sure how it is in the UK, but here in the States, this is officially the first year that a college education will put a student further in debt to pay for, than it will ever help her/him earn in additional pay.....

Is enlistment an option? My kids are both planning on doing that voluntarily to help pay for their college with the G.I. Bill.

 

[JiNX-01]

I know that sounds selfish but

• I want him to get the education that I didn't.
• I don't want him to end up in his 40's with his hand's buried in a sink.

Am I bad?

Out of curiosity, have you asked him what he wants to do with his life? Perhaps he doesn't want higher education, and would rather learn a trade or something?

First of all, ^ this:

Second of all: No, you are not bad. But you want him to have the education you didn't get. Maybe he doesn't want that.

My youngest brother was the only one who left home to go to college. He's the only one of the four of us who didn't finish, because he spent most of it stoned.

He got his act together and is a welder today (just like our dad was), and he and his wife make a decent enough living. They have kids who are turning out pretty well.

Nagging won't help. Anger won't help.

Ask him what he wants to do. College might not be the road for him.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

suppose when he gets home make him do the washing up and tell him that's all he'll be doing . washing up for the rest of his life unless he pulls his finger out.

still at least your helping him out my parents weren't particularly bothered about my exams. (mind you later events showed why as they split six months later)

He'll be working most of the weekend. I accidently got him a job at a new Japanese restaurant in our town. He works hard. But I feel I shouldn't have to push him ~ then again he is only 17!

I know that sounds selfish but

• I want him to get the education that I didn't.
• I don't want him to end up in his 40's with his hand's buried in a sink.

Am I bad?

Out of curiosity, have you asked him what he wants to do with his life? Perhaps he doesn't want higher education, and would rather learn a trade or something?

Again, he's 17 and does not know what he wants to do with his life.
He taught himself Japanese, and is studying it now at college. Working in the Japanese restaurant has given him confidence.
I would be happy for him to go in that direction. An apprenticeship with a Japanese company would be wonderful.
To be honest I can't see where an A level in philosophy will take him.

And to rub salt into the wound, my friend has just phoned to say she has a new horse ~ all I have is a greedy cat

Gosh I'm grumpy, sorry all!

 

[K'Ehleyr]

...(Although learning some things on your own that other kids' parents teach them has been painful at times. Purchasing auto insurance, for example.)

But I will add one thing to what Canadave said: I'm not sure how it is in the UK, but here in the States, this is officially the first year that a college education will put a student further in debt to pay for, than it will ever help her/him earn in additional pay.....

Is enlistment an option? My kids are both planning on doing that voluntarily to help pay for their college with the G.I. Bill.

at the car insurance, but I know what you mean. In the top set at maths, we were taught algebra, statistics and calculus which are of no use ~ in the bottom set you were taught how to use a cheque book, how to open a bank account and how to balence it! Much more sensible!
In the UK college is free until you are 18, which is another reason that I'm furious with him throwing the opportunity away! Then again they say "education is wasted on the young"

I know that sounds selfish but

• I want him to get the education that I didn't.
• I don't want him to end up in his 40's with his hand's buried in a sink.

Am I bad?

Out of curiosity, have you asked him what he wants to do with his life? Perhaps he doesn't want higher education, and would rather learn a trade or something?

First of all, ^ this:

Second of all: No, you are not bad. But you want him to have the education you didn't get. Maybe he doesn't want that.

My youngest brother was the only one who left home to go to college. He's the only one of the four of us who didn't finish, because he spent most of it stoned.

He got his act together and is a welder today (just like our dad was), and he and his wife make a decent enough living. They have kids who are turning out pretty well.

Nagging won't help. Anger won't help.

Ask him what he wants to do. College might not be the road for him.

Unfortunately anger is all I feel at the moment.
I'm sure Son will pick himself up as your brother did, and good on him. But at the moment I just want to wack Son with a frying pan!

 

[Mary Ann]

He may need to drift for a few years before he finds out what he wants to do with himself. I burned out of university twice in the first year before I got my act together, and that happened through my having a shit job and realising that, if I didn't get a trade or further education, I'd be doing a shit job for the rest of my life. Perhaps your son needs to find this out for himself as well.

I reckon you need to say to Son that if he doesn't want to continue his education at the moment he must work full-time and pay you room and board to make up for the benefits you will lose. This arrangement may be more acceptable for your Man as well. Good luck with it all.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

He may need to drift for a few years before he finds out what he wants to do with himself. I burned out of university twice in the first year before I got my act together, and that happened through my having a shit job and realising that, if I didn't get a trade or further education, I'd be doing a shit job for the rest of my life. Perhaps your son needs to find this out for himself as well.

I reckon you need to say to Son that if he doesn't want to continue his education at the moment he must work full-time and pay you room and board to make up for the benefits you will lose. This arrangement may be more acceptable for your Man as well. Good luck with it all.

It's a fine answer.
I think the word on the board is for me to back off and let Son find his own way. I am a bit of a 'pushy Mum' after all.

I'm just crap dealing with rage.

If I could create a coherant arguement (without bursting into tears, of which I am prone to do) I would have strong words with Son ~ unfortunately, I am not able to do that, so will retire to bed with gloop and 3D Final Destination ~ I shall wake up with my 3D glasses plastered to my face!

Thanks guys,
K'Eh

 

[auntiehill]

My two sisters and I all went to college, completely on our parents' dime. The middle sister and I both studied hard and graduated, as we felt some obligation to our best since our parents paid for every cent of our 4 years at university. The oldest sister, aka Loser Sister, was more interested in getting high. She flunked out of a private business college that cost my folks a fortune. She then went to a city college about 4 hours away. Or so they thought. She went for only a few months, then took the tuition to get a small apartment and blew the rest on drugs.

Fast Forward twenty five years. She still has not finished a Bachelors degree in ANYTHING. As recently as last year, she hit them up for 3,000 dollars for tuition, which they paid---again---even though they were still paying off Dad's quadruple by-pass. Turns out that she got a scholarship and already had the course paid for; she just wanted the money. And, you guessed it, she still hasn't got a degree.

My other sister and I took our education, but did not go to grad. school. My parents were cool with that, although disappointed. They said "Go to college; it's on us. Anything you do after that---you're on your own." It worked for us, in that we never felt that we had to perform. We WANTED to do well, so as not to squander the opportunity our parents gave us. We were not pressured to pick one job or another---just to go and learn for the sake of learning.


My suggestion would be this: son should get all the financial support you can offer---as long as he does decently, or at least, tries his very best--to get an education. But if he really only cares about getting stoned, cut him off. If my parents had done that to my sister twenty odd years ago, she wouldn't have ruined her life, destroyed her ex-husband, and sucked my entire family dry---financially and emotionally. I won't even get into what it did to her now-12 year old son.

She's been clean for 5 or 6 years now (or so she says) and works in a bank (how's that for irony?). But she still feels entitled to get money, cars, whatever from OTHER people---my family, her friends, any man she can find. She's miserable and bemoans the fact that she never had a college education and now she has to (gasp!) work like a dog.

She's not stupid and has become a master manipulator (most addicts are), so my suggestion would be to imagine what your son might be twenty/twenty five years from now. How are you helping him become a better person? If he truly hates school, then let him work full time and support himself. If he wants to go to college, then let your financial support come with very clear strings attached.

It would break my heart if your son turned out to be like the person my sister is now.

 

[Lindley]

In the top set at maths, we were taught algebra, statistics and calculus which are of no use ~

I use them all the time in my job. Pays well too.

 

[trampledamage]

If he truly hates school, then let him work full time and support himself. If he wants to go to college, then let your financial support come with very clear strings attached.

It would break my heart if your son turned out to be like the person my sister is now.

I agree.

K'Eh, you've mentioned before that your son is really interested in learning Japanese, and if he's still working at the restaurant then is sounds like he's enjoying that - and that's where his working focus is.

Wait til you're calmer, then talk to him about it. See what he wants. Make sure he's clearly thought through what's actually required for what he wants too - in case it turns out that he does need his A-levels or a degree to get where he's going.

Exams for exams sake isn't all that motivating for people who aren't interested in studying anyway, so if the two of you can work out a clear goal for him to be aiming for, that'd help.

Your son is 17, and mine is 3 1/2 but it seems the process is similar - let him have control but within limits

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

K'Eh, you've mentioned before that your son is really interested in learning Japanese, and if he's still working at the restaurant then is sounds like he's enjoying that - and that's where his working focus is.

In other words: He's turning Japanese - he really thinks so.

 

[gturner]

Take heart and don't lose hope.

I had trouble growing up, too. My father worked hand-to-mouth as a blacksmith until he was murdered, and the only advice he gave me was about steel. My mother was murdered trying to defend me from a slave gang. After that I had no real education and was forced to work slave jobs, pushing a wheel in a grain mill, going round and round, getting nowhere but building my muscles. Then I worked a dead-end job as a gladiator, finally falling in with a bunch of thieves. But I rose to rule my own kingdom! Eventually I became governor of California. Sometimes the unconventional path is the best.

 

[FPAlpha]

After trying hard (maybe too hard) to steer me in the right direction my parents (especially my father) gave up on giving me advice and watched the trainwreck happen.

It took a while because i had a comfortable job that paid quite well for a student with little work. Jesus.. all i had to do is monitor some processess, occasionally go to a server room to reset a server and take maybe 2 calls a shift. The rest of the time i was allowed to surf the net, we watched movies when the general staff left and we covered the evening/night shift (not that they did mind us watching movies on the PC.. it's just bad form to watch during the day when all the bosses walk around) etc.

So i wasn't exactly under pressure to get my act together which made the fall all the much harder and my parents have let me fall.. hard.

It changed me quite a bit and i've gotten my act together.. it took longer than usual and maybe i've done more damage to me than usual (very long term career wise that is) but the point is.. i learned something from it and it changed me for the better.

If your son crashes too someday maybe he'll waste top chances in the long run but not everybody can be at the top of the food chain so to speak but he'll still have opportunities to get ahead in life if he uses them.

He's 17 so there's plenty of time left to make some youth mistakes so let him make mistakes and be there if it gets too bad (my parents told me that they watched me carefully if i would have slipped past redemption in which case they would have immediately stepped in as opposed to doing nothing and letting me learn).

 

[SVD]

OK, College in the UK must translate to High school in the US since Sonny Jim is only 17.

What Grandpa is doing for me while I go to college (university in the UK): Room, board, and wheels are provided, I have to come up with money for fees, school supplies, and gas. Scholarships and grants come up with the difference nicely.

So long as Sonny Jim is making progress toward a productive lively hood in the form of a degree, trade, or a member of Her Majesty's armed forces, support him. Otherwise, kick him out to sink or swim on his own, no support from you or his dad (if he's still in the picture), in the deep blue sea of life.

Should she decide later that he wants to go to university after all, start supporting him.

 

[An Officer]

I would say confiscate all his cash. If he can't get drugs, maybe he'll be in a better mental state to study. If that doesn't work, perhaps you could enrol him in a programme to help him quit. How can he decide his future if he's not thinking with a clear mind? And you also don't want soft drugs to lead to hard drugs.

If I had a teenager at home, I would run a substance-free household. I never messed around with drugs when I was his age, although my friends did, because it was very clear to me that I would be out on my ear the moment I did. A little healthy fear and respect goes a long way.

If he doesn't sober up and knuckle down, then being at home is not helping him. I would practice tough love and make him go it alone for a while. Either he'll come crawling back, ready to live by your rules, or he'll man-up and learn something about how the world works, and make his choices accordingly.

With you there to tolerate his foibles, and take care of him, there is nothing actually instigating a change.

I am sorry to hear you're so upset. I hope this situation has a happy resolution. Gosh, it's tough being a parent, huh! I wish you the best of luck, you sound as though you really care, he's a lucky boy.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Thanks guys and girls for all your thoughts and posts. It does help to share

After a shitty day at work (I'm not supposed to work Sundays!) and a bratty kids party for 16, then a trip to the supermarket, I was in an excellent frame of mind to confront Son when he got home.

Man, wisely 'went for a walk' and the Klingon within me came out so I told son, in no uncertain terms, what I thought about him!

He was contrite ~ but the confrontation ended up with me saying "Just get out of my sight".

We'll see...

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Aw, K....it's not easy raising kids. We've talked about this and i totally feel for you!

He IS young, only 17. Sometimes it takes time for someone that young to figure themselves out, never mind what they want to be when they grow up. Hell, I'm 53 and i STILL don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

After HS i went to college. Spent one year languishing there. Ended up doing a lot of things afterwards but at age 30 finally went back to school and got a degree in American Sign Language studies. I worked for 10 years in the field and then burned out. Anyway, what i am getting at it this: college sometimes isn't right for everyone once they get out of HS. Sometimes they need to feel their way around a bit. He sounds like he is enjoying his job right now. He's earning money and not living off of you...so...maybe give him some space and see where he goes with it. {{{squish}}}