TOS Caption Contest #296: Captain's Yeoman

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, sorry about taking so long to start this contest, this time of year is very busy.

First up to the plate, we have the "Glad I don't own this tux" Award, going to:

Mulder: Not to alarm you, but they call these first three rows the "spit zone".

Next, we have the "Could've been a FANTASTIC Crossover" Award, going to:

Do I look smug? I should, I found where they plan to launch the SS Botany Bay.

Next, we have the "Evil Actions" Award, going to:

Scully: "Stop hotboxing in my car, asshole!!"

Next, we have the "Partners in Law & Order" Award, going to:

Munch: "Don't make me get Fin in here. You wouldn't like him.""

Next, we have the "Case Closed" Award, going to:

Bruce Wayne, half-uniformed: Uh...darn! You caught me. I like to pretend to be Batman. How do you like my costume? Looks real, right? Some nights I switch it up and pretend to be Superman.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

LURCH: You rang?

Trelane: Greetings and felicitations!

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, I know I'm a little late to this, but I wanted to make sure we did a contest to honor Grace Lee Whitney.

Rand doesn't show up here very often, I guess because I very easily find myself focusing on Season 2. (my favorite Season)

In any case, lets let the creativity and humor continue onward.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: (reading) Since the days of the first wooden... What's that say?

Rand: Vessels, Sir.

Kirk: Right. All Captains have enjoyed one happy privilege, joining two people in the bonds of...

Rand: (Thinking) Worst Wedding Ever.

Sulu: (over comm) Alert! Alert! Captain to the Bridge!

Uhura: Are you done playing solitaire yet?

Rand: Just a few minutes, why don't you try and chat up Spock or something?

Uhura: Yeah, right.

Rand: You're speaking with Empress Rand. Prepare to receive instructions.

Kirk: I'm having a moment here. Why don't you all watch your consoles since were only seconds from death?

Kirk: Green leaves?

Rand: It's called lettuce, Sir.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Angela (whispering to Tomlinson): "Gosh. Looking at them, I suddenly feel like I'm settling for second best."
Tomlinson: "Yeah. Me, too."

Spock (thinking): "They hated 'Stairway to Heaven' yesterday. They hated 'Free Bird' the day before. They hated 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida' the day before that. What to play today...?"

Kirk: "There is apparently a rumor circulating around the ship about you and me, Yeoman. I hope you're not embarrassed."
Rand: "I've heard the rumor, sir. You're the one who should be embarrassed."

 

[hux]

Kirk: (reading) It clearly states in the Federation handbook that female crew members can't marry until I've slept with them. Just let me find it

Spock: I wish girls liked me

Rand: Do we really have to have this meeting while you're on the toilet, captain

Kirk: *farts*

Uhuru: Captain, you just blew your shirt apart

Bones: Jim, you need help

Rand: Captain, there's an alien selling flat screen TV's. Are you interested?

Kirk: This is the 23rd century, we are way beyond such archaic technology

Bones: Umm, Jim

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "Really, Yeoman? A chaperone? Just what did they tell you about me back at the Academy, anyway?"

Rand (thinking): "Janice Kirk. Jan Kirk. Mrs. Janice Kirk. Mrs. James Kirk. Janice Rand-Kirk..."

 

[Melakon]

Kirk: I ordered a chicken sandwich and coffee!

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because one of these two skipped their injections and the other has a shotgun toting father back home."

Spock: "Everyone's a music critic..."

McCoy: "JIM! What the hell?!"

Kirk: "I can explain..."

Rand: "So that's where those cards of me Charlie made ended up!"

Kirk: "Haven't you people ever seen me with a torn shirt before?"

Sulu: "Actually, sir, we're trying to figure out the last time we saw you in one that wasn't torn."

Kirk: "No big salads? Can't I order two small salads and you put them in a bigger bowl?"

Rand: "Sorry, we can't do that, sir."

 

[Smellincoffee]

McCoy: Spock! You surprise me.
Spock: Why is that, doctor?
McCoy: You said Vulcans cannot lyre.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: We are gather her to join Angela and Robert...

RAND: Robert is the best man. Angela is marrying the tribble on her head

 

[Pauln6]

Rand: "Captain... when you said threesome... I was expecting Mr Spock..."
Kirk: "He told me to text him again in 13 months for some reason."
McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not a love machine. But if Barrows is up for it any time, I'm in."
Rand: "I have to... go wash my hair..."
McCoy: "Awkward."

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: Let's see, wedding speeches, wedding speeches...
Everybody else: Oh here we go....
Kirk: -What does a wedding minister say at a wedding...
-What is the speech a minister gives at a wedding...
-Creative ideas for a wedding officiant...
-Wedding ceremony scripts...
-Wedding speech examples...
-Quotes...
-Samples...
-Wedding Fails...
Ah here we are - Wedding speeches by Captain's of nautical vessels....just a minute....cruise ships...pan-oceanic dirigibles....

20 minutes later....
Kirk: Ahem, a wedding officiant speech is the kind of a speech that usually is held after a toast has been given by the bride or by the groom....
Tomlinson: Court martialable offense, court martialable offense, court martialable offense....

Spock: Stupid !@#$% Home Shopping Network !@#$% Babe Magnet Kit !@#$% No Returns for discontinued items !@#$%....

Bones: Now Jim I know you said bring something green from outer space, but would you settle for a queasy blonde?
Rand: Why is everything velvet?

Kirk: I...tore it battling a monster.
Bones: Was it on planet Pay-Per-View?

Rand: This is how all the greatest queens wore it - Nefertiti, Elizabeth I, Marie Antoinette -
Kirk: Rue Paul....

 

[Nerys Myk]

UHURA: I wish I had pants like Crewman Noname.

RAND: Not me. Short skirts are liberating and empowering.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Uhura (sighs): "Ever since Starfleet introduced these new mini-skirt uniforms, nobody goes commando anymore."
Rand: "Well duh!"

 

[Smellincoffee]

Rand: Captain, the Doctor insists that you eat your lunch.
Kirk: But it's a tofuturkey sandwich. It's not even meat, it's processed --
McCoy: Jim, you could order BBQ and it would still be processed protiens. All of our food comes from replicators.
Kirk: It's the PRINCIPLE of the thing, Bones.

Kirk: Bones, your medical opinion?
McCoy: "He who smelt it, dealt it."
Kirk: Right. Eyes forward everyone, back to your posts.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "I've just come from Mr. Spock's quarters where we discussed the possibility of him singing 'Bilbo Baggins' at the ship's Christmas party. He was opposed to the idea. Vehemently opposed!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

UHURA: In the 21st Century you had to play cards on a computer.

RAND: How primitive.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Uhura (sighs): "Ever since Starfleet introduced these new mini-skirt uniforms, nobody goes commando anymore."
Rand: "Well duh!"

Spock: "I'm commando right now."

Uhura: "Damn his Vulcan hearing!"

 

[Hutchy01]

He's Tired, Lonely , And playing with his wood ... Want to see his Spock!

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Kirk: We are gathered here today to join this woman, Angela Teller, and this...
Rand: Angela Martine, sir.
Kirk: Dammit, why can I never tell those two apart?

Kirk: Listen up, everybody. In light of... recent events, Romulan ale is no longer to be served at diplomatic functions.
Rand: Shall I note that in the ship's log, sir?
Kirk: No need, yeoman. I'm sure I'll remember.

Kirk: Wait a minute. Where did you get fresh honey for the honey dijon dressing?
Rand: They don't call this 'do a "beehive" for nothing, sir.

 

[Triskelion]

Spock: I will play, as duly compelled, the dulcet tones of deep logical contemplation through Vulcan eons past - but first a little Foggy Mountain Breakdown.

Kirk: I like the cut of your jib, crewman...
Rand: Rand, sir. Yeoman Janice Rand.
Kirk: Well, Jan S. Rand, what's the "S" stand for?
Rand: It's just Janice, sir.
Kirk: Ok Jan S. keep the "S" a secret then.
Rand: It's Janice, sir.
Kirk: Janice starts with a "J".
Rand: No sir, it's not "Jan S. Rand," it's Janice Rand. Yeoman Janice Rand.
Kirk: Yo man, I don't take that hippie talk from my first officer, and I certainly won't take it from a - what did you say your rank was?
Rand: Yeoman.
Kirk: Oh, is that a secret too, man?
Rand: No sir. "Yeoman" - it's a crew rating. Like a net assistant.
Kirk: Who's Annette S. Isstant? And what's her "S" stand for?
Rand: THERE'S NO "S", YOU -
Bones: He's not going to get it, crewman. Look Jim, she's like a secretary, all right?
Kirk: That's more like it. Well listen, Jan S or no S, keep up the good work, whatever your name is.
Rand: Sigh. Yes sir. But Yeoman Jan S. Rand isn't a secretary.
Kirk: Yo, all right, man, peace dude. Now is she the one you saw, Bones?
McCoy: It's not "Bones," it's Sawbones, you silicon implant. Because I'm a rassing-frassing medical doctor?! How much @#$% explanation do you need?!
Rand: Would you like this secretary to write it down for you sir?
Kirk: No thanks, Wanda, I'm sure I'll remember it.

Kirk: That's the last time I allow shore leave at that space cantina. Hey, where are Solo and Chewie?
Uhura: Does that mofo think we're in another galaxy far, far away?
Rand: Trust me, don't even go there.