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Star Trek: 500

I generally agree with the others on this one as well. After all, finding yourself displaced in time is such a fantastic and mind-blowing event that it will take some time to acclimate to it ... especially if you wake up 500 years in the future from a time of moderate technical advances.

On the other hand there is something to be said about a story which cuts right to the core of the plot. Long-winded introductions and scene setting can really kill the pace (just read some of my longer stories as an example of how not to do it ... :lol:)
 
Agreed, long intros are annoying. Look at the LOTR series. Five pages describing how Frodo opens a door. I would mention it to an extent, and maybe increase the amount of time it had been since he appeared. Say, like... 16 months. You don't have to detail those 16 months, but just the number would make it a little more plausible
 
I'll spend some time on the new teaser, and hopefully we'll see something better.

But I think I'll stick with the log entries, if that's alright with you guys? ;)
 
No, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Well, ok, I guess. But only this once, you hear? Any more and no cookie for you! ;)
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Ok folks, here is the upgraded and improved teaser for Rising Tides...



Ashley Turner, personal log, May 17th, 2364, stardate 41375.1
In the last three months I have survived a flood with a broken leg, been sent five hundred years into the future, had my leg healed without the need for a splint or surgery of any kind and been interviewed by a group of strange people about the nineteenth century and what I did there. I’ve also had time to think about what the hell happened to me and why and I have come to a simple conclusion.

I don’t know.

I knew that in my time, 1864, I never felt like I belonged but I did the best I could with the pathetic life that I led. I was considered to be an oddity—an intelligent young man born to ignorant parents with an apparent ability to absorb information quickly—and yet was a simple jack-of-all-trades. After the Department of Temporal Investigations were finished interrogating me—they call it questioning, but I know the difference—I was given an apartment in San Francisco and pretty much left to my own devices.

Or so I thought.

In 1864 there was very little of what these people called technology. I had the opportunity to study a book (yes, I could actually read) called Technology through the Ages. This leather-bound book told me about the inventions of the light bulb (which I was reading about in the newspapers), toasters for bread instead of a fire and a radio. I learned about television and many other technologies which had occurred the first hundred years after my disappearance. It was amazing what they had managed to accomplish, even powered flight and computers that could beat chess-masters. The next hundred years was almost overwhelming but like I said earlier, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I didn’t belong in the nineteenth century, but I couldn’t tell you why. I always felt like I was destined for something greater and being here, now, in the twenty-fourth century, felt right.

I read a number of books pertaining to Earth’s history between 1864 and an extraordinary event which happened almost two hundred years later. A man called Zephram Cochrane piloted a spaceship to a speed which Einstein said was impossible. A few hours after he returned, a more advanced spaceship landed in Montana and an alien being emerged, a Vulcan. Over the next few weeks I studied the history of this new era for humanity. The Warp-Five project and the new alien cultures that Captain Jonathan Archer and the crew of the Enterprise encountered and made friends with. I learned about the enemies they encountered and the first interstellar war between Earth, its allies and the Romulan Star Empire.

In the course of my reading I learned about the collapse of the British Empire, alliances between various former territories, three world wars and I realised how little we had evolved as a species in five hundred years. We still killed each other and fought over land, or territory, it was just that now we fought other species as well as our own. I took time out of reading to explore San Francisco since I had rarely been further than the outskirts of London in my time. In fact, the second time I did, I was caught in a flood and catapulted five hundred years into the future. I was always looking over my shoulder expecting to see a Bobby—a police officer—walking the streets but learned since there was a low crime rate in this society, the police, called Federation Security, only appeared when necessary. It seemed to me that with the loss of money in people’s lives, greed was eliminated and there was little crime due to that very fact.

While I was walking through the city, I noticed a woman who appeared to be following me. She was good, but I was used to evading the Metropolitan Police so I knew what to do to lose her. The only problem was that I didn’t want to lose her. I wanted to know who she was and why she was following me. I had done nothing wrong. After several false turns, I tricked the woman (who wore civilian clothing) into entering an alleyway at which point I tackled her—making sure that we were alone of course. What follows is an approximate transcript of the conversation we had immediately afterward.

‘I guess you’re not handling this century all that well,’ she muttered hoarsely as I was sitting on her chest.

‘I don’t like being followed.’

‘It was for your own good,’ she replied. ‘I was assigned to watch you by Medical Mental Health.’

I got off her in surprise. ‘Huh?’

‘I’m a Starfleet officer,’ she said as she got to her feet. ‘I work as a counsellor for Starfleet Medical, mental health division. My name is Phillipa Mathias.’

‘You know who I am. Why were you following me? I haven’t done anything wrong.’

‘I never said you did,’ she replied. ‘Why would you say that?’

At the time I thought she was being awkward but in hindsight I realised that she was doing her job and attempting to find out more about me, stuff that wasn’t in the report that Temporal Investigations had compiled on me.

‘Never mind, I think I’ve had enough of walking through the city. Would you like to continue this conversation as I walk back to my apartment?’

‘Thank you, perhaps I will be able to find out why Starfleet Medical wanted me to keep an eye on you.’

‘That’s easy. I was a tradesman in 1864 and I survived a flood with a broken leg before being hurled five hundred years into the future. Electricity hadn’t been invented when I came from and now there are starships that travel hundreds of times the speed of light to worlds I never even knew existed.’

‘You’ve learned rather a lot in three months.’

I should have stopped talking then, but she had this easygoing manner which pulled me right in.

That conversation was the first of many such informal “sessions.”
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

better. But electricity wasn't invented. It was harnessed. Much better, though. You may have something-give it another run-thru and ask yourself "What would I like to read?" I point at the current Merlin story as a view of first person done not just right but amazing. Keep it coming-I think you might be on to something here. :cool:
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Mistral said:
better. But electricity wasn't invented. It was harnessed. Much better, though. You may have something-give it another run-thru and ask yourself "What would I like to read?" I point at the current Merlin story as a view of first person done not just right but amazing. Keep it coming-I think you might be on to something here. :cool:
That version will do I think. We're in a totally different century here, can't go off blowing things up - besides, he doesn't know how yet.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

I liked the narrative style here and I think it will work out quite well. Again you waste no time to get to the story.

However I'm still not completely convinced of the character's displacement. His summary of historical events didn't quite sound like it was told by somebody from the 19th century.

Otherwise I think this is a great premise and I'm looking forward to see where this is heading.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Some of your facts didn't mesh. It's really just a minor thing to most really, probably something only I focus on. (Yes, I even do it to officially published books) How do you have a light bulb if you don't have electricity yet. And wasn't the TV in the mid 20th century, not the mid 19th? Other then that it's great. I like the dialog between the two characters, and the typical "How does that make you feel?" tone that most psychiatrists use.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Kaziarl said:
Some of your facts didn't mesh. It's really just a minor thing to most really, probably something only I focus on. (Yes, I even do it to officially published books) How do you have a light bulb if you don't have electricity yet. And wasn't the TV in the mid 20th century, not the mid 19th? Other then that it's great. I like the dialog between the two characters, and the typical "How does that make you feel?" tone that most psychiatrists use.
Thanks :)

I'm getting you, but if you read closely:

This leather-bound book told me about the inventions of the light bulb (which I was reading about in the newspapers), toasters for bread instead of a fire and a radio. I learned about television and many other technologies which had occurred the first hundred years after my disappearance.
What he's reading tells him about all the technology invented, harnessed or discovered up to 1964, or doesn't that come across clearly? I thought it did.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

I do like this teaser better than the first. I get a sense of your character's puzzlement but also his wonder - not just of technological progress, but as to why he feels that he belongs in the 24th century.

This is good first-person narrative. It appears you're not going for noir. That probably wouldn't be appropriate in this story, anyway.

The only suggestion I can make is for his speaking to be more Victorian. As I read, he sounds to me like an American from the 21st (or 24th) century. A quick read of some of A. Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories would give you an example.

Or, are you re-enforcing the idea that he never belonged in the Victorian era in the first place? Hmmmm. The mystery deepens.

Pray, proceed good sir. :)
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Xeris said:
In 1864 there was very little of what these people called technology. I had the opportunity to study a book


What he's reading tells him about all the technology invented, harnessed or discovered up to 1964, or doesn't that come across clearly? I thought it did.

That first line is what tripped me up. I thought he was refering to a book from his own time. My apologies.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

TheLoneRedshirt, you'll just have to wait for the next installment, wontcha?

Kaziarl, apologies accepted ;)

First person narrative is new to me, I prefer writing in third, but I must admit that it is a refreshing change of pace.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Ashley Turner, personal log, June 9th, 2364, stardate 41438.3
In the last three weeks I completed my intensive history lesson and learned about the formation of the Coalition of Planets and the Federation, about Starfleet’s mission of exploration and the political systems of Earth and the other member worlds. I learned how to use the computer in my apartment and watched hundreds of newscasts about different species. I was almost overwhelmed at the advances we had made as a species, and the way that we were actually able to get on with other species without resorting to war every five minutes. I decided that I’d learned enough of the last five hundred years’ history to now learn about the technology and seeing as though I was now in a time where faster-than-light travel was commonplace, I felt that learning about Zephram Cochrane and the warp drive that he invented. The only problem was that I had no one to teach me and the computer wasn’t exactly forthcoming. I brought the subject up in my next session with Lieutenant Mathias—she prefers Phillipa but I still call her Lieutenant or Counsellor, it feels more natural to me.

‘What do you want to learn?’ she asked me.

‘Everything,’ I answered honestly. ‘Where I came from, children learned how to read, write, and how to do mathematics. That was about it. Today seems fairly different with school children learning about what only the smartest people would have learned then.’

‘I can understand that, and I came here today for a specific reason, unrelated to our sessions. Doctor Allen wants to speak with you. He has taken an interest in you and the test results from Temporal Investigations have intrigued him.’

‘In what way? I asked, starting to get a little worried.

She hesitated before answering. ‘Your level of intelligence actually places you at the same level of someone like Albert Einstein, and your genetic profile is indicative of a human being from the early twenty-third century.’

‘You can tell that from a few drops of blood?’ I asked. ‘I have seen a little about genetics, but I don’t know exactly what that means.’

She nodded and patiently explained to me that the genetic markers in my blood showed evidence of antiviral medication for diseases which were unheard of in the nineteenth century. I had just got my first clue as to what was happening to me. I actually came from the early twenty-third century, so why could I remember nothing about that period and why was I in the nineteenth century. I asked Lieutenant Mathias those same questions.

‘I can’t answer that, because I know as much as you do. Perhaps talking to Doctor Allen would help you answer that?’

‘I haven’t got anything to lose, have I?’

She smiled, ‘Not really.’

The counsellor and I took a trip into Starfleet Headquarters where the large imposing building of Starfleet Medical was located, the fifteen-storey caduceus identifying the building. She helped me through security and we took a turbolift (what is wrong with an ordinary elevator? The language has changed even more than the technology I think, though it is easier for me to speak in their language—Federation Standard—than the stilted speech of the Victorian era. I think it is another example of me clearly not fitting into that time period properly) to the thirtieth floor where the office of the Head of Starfleet Medical was situated. One of the most unusual things that I had encountered in the twenty-fourth century was the lack of actual doors in “official” buildings. It seemed that they all had automatic doors that made a swishing sound as they opened. I had seen a few ordinary doors on the lower levels of Starfleet Medical but the upper storeys only had the automatic ones. Mathias led me into an anteroom where a young man with Ensign’s pips on his sciences uniform sat at a desk.

‘Are you a doctor?’ I asked him once the counsellor had disappeared.

‘Ensign Scott Hilliard, I just graduated the Academy,’ he told me as if that answered my question. It did, but I didn’t know that at the time. ‘I’m Commander Allen’s assistant.’

That surprised me. I always thought of David Allen, the doctor who healed by broken leg back in the Sheffield of this century, as a doctor instead of an officer in Starfleet. ‘So you are a doctor?’

Hilliard looked at me strangely. ‘I just said that, didn’t I?’

I quickly changed the subject. ‘What’s your speciality?’

‘Deadly diseases,’ he answered proudly and thankfully didn’t have the time to elaborate, since I probably wouldn’t have understood a word he said.

‘Mister Turner, I’m so glad to see you again,’ Doctor Allen said, striding out of his office.

I shook his hand. ‘It’s a pleasure, Doctor, or should I call you Commander?’

Allen smiled. ‘I never stand on rank. Starfleet may keep promoting me but I’m a doctor first. Hilliard here will get you a drink if you need one.’

‘Shouldn’t he be saving lives?’ I asked.

Allen chuckled. ‘He will be one day, I assure you, but I need an assistant and he is actually very good at keeping me on track. How long have I got before the next meeting?’

‘Admiral Quaice wants to speak with you about his replacement at 1800 hours,’ Hilliard said with a smile.

The smile on Allen’s face faded for a brief second but it was enough for me to see that he wanted the job that this Admiral Quaice had and I assumed that it was the head of Starfleet Medical. It turned out that I was wrong and Dr Quaice was actually the chief medical officer of Starbase 133, one of the largest structures in the Federation.

‘So I’ve got a little while, excellent. Counsellor, why don’t you give us a few minutes?’

She nodded and headed back the way we entered as Allen ushered me into his office.

‘I’d like to know what you found out about my genetic profile,’ I said.

‘As would I, but Temporal Investigations suddenly decided to seal your file. I’ve got only the basics and I have been denied permission to take more blood from you. All I have is my memory of what I saw. The same goes for your intelligence quotient, just in case you were wondering.’

I was beginning to get a sick feeling that Temporal Investigations knew a lot more than they were letting on, and that if I was going to find out who I really was and what happened to me, I was going to need some friends in high places.

Doctor Allen was a good place to start.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

The story continues to unfold, giving us more clues into the origin of Ashley Turner. We learn he's from the 23rd century, but then his files are sealed. What's so sensitive in his past (future?).

I'm following this with great interest! Good work! :thumbsup:
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Ashley Turner, personal log, July 21st, 2364, stardate 41553.6
After my conversation with Doctor Allen six weeks ago, I realised that if I was going to make something of myself in this century I would need to learn everything I could. With Counsellor Mathias’s help, I found what I suppose could be called a distance learning program and started at a first grade level, what six year olds would learn when they first went to school. Doctor Allen assured me that my high IQ would properly assert itself when I needed it to and in less than two weeks I had progressed through the first to fourth grades of school. I was now better adapting to life in the twenty-fourth century and able to mix with ordinary people without seeming out of place. It was a welcome change.

All the time I was studying, there was one thought going through my mind. When did I come from? According to Doctor Allen, the Department for Temporal Investigations had sealed my file and since they were a Federation organisation rather than a Starfleet one, even the commander-in-chief of Starfleet couldn’t unseal my file. Well, that told me that if I was going to find out the legal way, I needed more friends in more places and I could only do that as a member of Starfleet since I noticed that Starfleet personnel were everywhere in San Francisco. It was as I was breezing through the eighth grade (after five weeks of study) that I realised I actually knew more about Cochrane than the computer did, almost as if I had met the man. Searching the computer for mentions of Cochrane in the twenty-third century I found only one entry, from the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701.

The ship’s commanding officer, Captain Kirk, along with two of his senior officers, Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy, and Federation Commissioner Nancy Hedford were pulled toward a planet where they found Zephram Cochrane alive and well. He had disappeared a century and a half earlier whilst testing out a new propulsion system and had been saved by a cloud creature called the Companion. I remembered this event quite clearly, but it was clear from the records that only Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Hedford had actually set foot on the planet. There were no further notations on the planet from anyone and I began to wonder if the Nancy Hedford/Companion entity had fathered a child with Cochrane and I was the result. I needed to learn more but of the three Starfleet officers who were present, only two was still alive, but only one was on Earth and very old—he was a hundred and thirty seven and quite frail. But I wanted to see him and hoped that Doctor Allen would be able to accommodate me.

You do realise he’s a retired Admiral and quite frail?’

‘I do, but I would first like to ask if you can do a DNA test on me to find out whether or not I am related to Zephram Cochrane?’

I can do that, but what makes you want me to?’

I explained that the Enterprise logs referring to the incident had been declassified and that the only people to have seen Cochrane were Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Hedford. Spock was on Vulcan and Kirk and Hedford were dead, leaving only McCoy available.

I’ll see what I can do. Why don’t you come by the office and I’ll see if you’re a match.’

‘Thank you, Doctor.’

Don’t thank me yet, McCoy is a crotchety man at the best of times and he might not take too kindly to being asked about his old life. Do you still want to ask him about that if the DNA test comes up negative?’

I considered my answer and shook my head. ‘If the test is negative then there is no reason to speak with him.’

Allen agreed and the next day we met so he could take the test.

It was negative.

I was not related to Zephram Cochrane, but I still knew a lot more about him than would be normal for most people. I returned to my studies and made a mental note to myself to continue looking for any possible link I might have had with Cochrane.

A week later I was taking a break from the ninth grade (which still wasn’t taxing me too much, although my knowledge of technology needed to improve with extra reading.) when Doctor Allen called.

You have open a real can of worms,’ he told me.

‘What have I done?’

I received a message from Professor Barrows this morning, Mister Turner. Admiral McCoy has asked to meet you.’

I nodded, mute. I thought that when the test turned out negative that would be the end of it. But if Admiral McCoy was interested in meeting him, then there was obviously something more going on. ‘When does he want to meet me?’

This evening, I have received transporter coordinates. Be at my office by 1800.’

‘I’ll be there. I am looking forward to meeting him.’

Just don’t tell him that,’ Allen muttered. ‘He doesn’t like the fame.’

I nodded and Allen cut the channel. Admiral McCoy was one of the most famous officers to ever wear the uniform and he shunned the fame? Maybe this century was decent after all. I continued my studies but stopped at 1630, wanting to have a slow walk to Starfleet Headquarters. I usually studied from 0900 to 1800 with just a lunch break and two restroom breaks in between. They were long days but I wanted to learn as much as possible.

When I reached Starfleet Medical, Doctor Allen was waiting for me. I had discovered that in the last few weeks he had been promoted to Captain and made the Head of Starfleet Medical, the highest position for a doctor in Starfleet. We walked over to the transporter pad together and I waited while he entered the coordinates. He stepped onto the pad and I followed. I had only used the transporter a few times and it was disconcerting knowing that my molecules were being disassembled and then reassembled thousands of kilometres away.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Ashley Turner, personal log, supplemental
The offices of Starfleet Medical gave way to the mountains of Georgia and I smiled when I saw the expanse of land. England in the nineteenth century was nothing like this and the smile faded only slightly when I saw an elderly woman approaching us. She looked to be in her late eighties but I knew that she was actually a little over a hundred and ten years old. Professor Tonia Barrows wore a tan-coloured suit which looked out of place in this rural setting and she noticed the looks on our faces.

‘I have just finished recording a lecture,’ she said. ‘Come on in, I’m sure you’re hungry. Leonard will be so glad you’re hear.’

We followed her into a modest-sized cottage and into the main room where an elderly man was sitting in a chair, seemingly asleep. ‘Well, well, I see people are still using that infernal contraption,’ he spoke with a deep voice that was at odds with his age.

‘The transporter,’ Allen said. ‘He never did like it.’

‘Want to keep my atoms together, especially at my age.’

‘You’ve used the transporter before, Leonard,’ Barrows said as she brought in a tray of drinks.

‘That’s not the good stuff is it?’ he asked, sniffing toward the tray.

‘Leonard, you asked me to invite them.’

McCoy smiled and looked a decade younger. ‘You think you might be related to Cochrane, eh?’

I nodded, ‘Yes, Admiral.’

McCoy scowled. ‘I’m a doctor, not an admiral. Now, I presume the test came back negative?’

‘I’ll go and deal with dinner,’ Barrows said and extricated herself from the conversation.

‘It did,’ Allen nodded. ‘I was surprised when you called.’

‘Jim might have promised not to reveal the encounter but I never did, and spontaneous remission of Sakuro’s Disease was unheard of, it still is.’

‘That was the disease Commissioner Hedford contracted,’ I said. ‘And the records show that she was cured by the Companion.’

McCoy nodded. ‘Yes, she was, even though the Companion had stated that it could not cure her before. I still don’t know how it did cure her, but that is part of the reason I called. I took a DNA sample from Commissioner Hedford after the Companion merged with her and found that it was substantially different to the DNA sample on record.’

‘The Companion altered her DNA?’ Allen asked, clearly intrigued.

‘Yes, and it did the same to Cochrane, though to a lesser degree.’ He fumbled for a padd on the coffee table and passed it to Allen. ‘Run the test again against this baseline. If it matches I want to know. Always wondered what happened to them.’

‘Did the Enterprise never return to Gamma Canaris N?’ I asked.

‘No, we didn’t, in deference to Doctor Cochrane’s wishes. The only mention made of the encounter was in my medical logs that I classified.’

‘They were declassified five years ago,’ I said.

‘Goddamn bureaucrats. I specifically stated that they not be declassified until Kirk, Spock and I were dead so no one could come looking for information.’

Doctor Allen and I shared a look. ‘I’ll run the test in the morning.’

‘I want to know what you find out.’

‘Of course, I wouldn’t dream of keeping you out of the loop, Doctor.’

‘If you would all like to come through, dinner is ready.’

The rest of the evening passed pleasantly and I told stories of my life in the nineteenth century and what I had been doing since arriving in the twenty-fourth.

The following morning, I went to see Doctor Allen with Counsellor Mathias and he performed the test.

‘Well?’ I asked when Allen had been silent for several seconds.

‘Take a look.’

I did so. It was positive.

‘According to these results,’ he said, ‘you have enough alleles in common with Zephram Cochrane to mark you out as his great-grandson.’

‘I would suggest you destroy any evidence of this test, Doctor,’ Mathias said. ‘This may have been Temporal Investigations sealed the file.’

He nodded and purged it from the system. ‘I have no doubt that someone from that department is watching us. I want you both to be very careful.’

‘Always,’ Mathias said.

‘I need to think,’ I replied.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘Not yet, thank you. I have a lot to go over in my head.’

‘The way I see it is pretty simple,’ Allen replied. ‘At some point after the Enterprise left the Gamma Canaris region, Cochrane and Hedford had at least one child who left that world and settled elsewhere.’

‘They obviously created a new family and passed parts of Cochrane’s history down the line.’

‘If I’m going to find out what happened, I need to get to Gamma Canaris and I doubt that any civilian ship would go out that far without a good reason.’

‘What do you suggest then?’ Mathias asked me.

‘I will continue my studies and hope to get into Starfleet.’

They both looked at each other but it was Mathias who broke the silence first. ‘While I have no doubt that you would pass the entrance exams easily for the Academy, I would suggest enlisting instead. There would be far less scrutiny and Temporal Investigations are unlikely to push the issue of you joining up.’

Allen agreed. ‘We’ll do what we can to help you. Where are you with your studies?’

‘Ninth grade,’ I replied. ‘I should reach the tenth grade early next week.’

‘Keep going. I think you’ll find your aptitude soon enough.’

I returned to my studies with greater alacrity. Knowing that my family was out there somewhere spurred me on. Perhaps when I found them I would learn how I ended up in the nineteenth century with memories of childhood that might or might not have been my own.
 
Re: Star Trek: 500 Rising Tides

Things are taking shape nicely as we find out more about Turner's background--everything's beginning to click into place now. Also, it's always fun to see McCoy back in the saddle.

Very well done.
 
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