Is phonesex cheating?
- Thread starter PluckyNinja
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I tend to think phone sex is cheating, but I'm not sure I'd consider what she did phone sex.
Your relationship sounds kinda fucked either way, though, with no trust on either side. Whether or not she cheated on you seems kinda irrelevant.
Your relationship sounds kinda fucked either way, though, with no trust on either side. Whether or not she cheated on you seems kinda irrelevant.
I've never had phone sex.
Well, it's tricky. Use too much lube, and you slide right off.
Me either, heh.
... had phone sex that is.
... had phone sex that is.
It's 3am and the phone's ringing...
.Hmm...the thought of phonesex with either Walter Mondale or Hillary Clinton is distinctly grotesque, so I'll just stop there.
As for the OP, it is cheating, though not as egregious as a true sexual encounter. The email snooping is not kosher, either. I think it's time to walk away.
Being in a relationship doesn't give you the right to read someone's email, any more than it gives you the right to listen in on their phone conversations, go through their wallet/purse, search through their pockets, rifle through their desk drawers, open their postal mail, spy on them through the window, or violate their privacy any other way.
If you are "suspicious" it still doesn't give you the right. This is controlling, jealous and potentially abusive behaviour. It will destroy a relationship in no time anyway, and possibly land you in jail.
If you don't trust your partner, break up with them, or go with them to counselling. Don't try to justify illegal, abusive behaviour with "I was suspicious."
Your partner has a right to speak with whomever they want, about whatever they want. They have a right to read what they want. They have a right to masturbate if they want. They have a right get turned on by anything and anyone they want. You do not own them.
If you want an exclusive relationship where they pay attention to no one but you, you are a controlling abuser.
If you want monogomy, but feel that you are both free to have friendships, and yes attractions that you can discuss together and be open about, then you can have a healthy relationship.
If you want mind control, then start a cult.
If you are "suspicious" it still doesn't give you the right. This is controlling, jealous and potentially abusive behaviour. It will destroy a relationship in no time anyway, and possibly land you in jail.
If you don't trust your partner, break up with them, or go with them to counselling. Don't try to justify illegal, abusive behaviour with "I was suspicious."
Your partner has a right to speak with whomever they want, about whatever they want. They have a right to read what they want. They have a right to masturbate if they want. They have a right get turned on by anything and anyone they want. You do not own them.
If you want an exclusive relationship where they pay attention to no one but you, you are a controlling abuser.
If you want monogomy, but feel that you are both free to have friendships, and yes attractions that you can discuss together and be open about, then you can have a healthy relationship.
If you want mind control, then start a cult.
I'm not getting cheating out of this. She informed him beforehand that she was talking to her ex, and that it posed no threat to their relationship. Those aren't the actions of a cheater.
If you had a problem with it, you should have spoken up then and told her that it made you uncomfortable instead of spying on her.
It sounds like they were reminiscing about an old sexual encounter they had and that he popped one off once, it's not like she was doing it for him constantly. She probably thought it was humorous more than anything else, because she realized it didn't mean anything in terms of her relationship with you, and she thought you were okay with her talking with him.
She wasn't totally upfront with you, but maybe she didn't realize the conversation was going to take that turn until he told her, and by that point she just laughed and went with it, and perhaps regretted it later.
I think you violating her privacy is worse. But you both screwed up, so they cancel each other out and you should giver her another chance. Like Solomon I am.
If you had a problem with it, you should have spoken up then and told her that it made you uncomfortable instead of spying on her.
It sounds like they were reminiscing about an old sexual encounter they had and that he popped one off once, it's not like she was doing it for him constantly. She probably thought it was humorous more than anything else, because she realized it didn't mean anything in terms of her relationship with you, and she thought you were okay with her talking with him.
She wasn't totally upfront with you, but maybe she didn't realize the conversation was going to take that turn until he told her, and by that point she just laughed and went with it, and perhaps regretted it later.
I think you violating her privacy is worse. But you both screwed up, so they cancel each other out and you should giver her another chance. Like Solomon I am.
I do think it is cheating. And while reading someone else's email isn't the best thing to do, I certainly understand your motivation. She's upset because she was caught. As others have said, the trust isn't there in your relationship. Even before you caught her, you already didn't trust her (and your instincts were dead on). Further, going by what you say, she doesn't seem remorseful or even sympathetic to why you'd be upset. This suggests to me that she'd be tempted to do this again, her main worrying being whether she gets caught.
Mr Awe
What they dont have is the right to help a man masturbate (and still be with me). Sexual encounters was discussed as a nono very early in our relationship.
Cheating's not something you can lay down an absolute rule for. Each person has their own concept of what constitutes cheating, and encounters unique situations.
In a relationship, it's important to match up your ideas to one another. Since that can't always be done perfectly, it's important to communicate if you think your partner is crossing a line. Sometimes they may not see anything wrong with what they are doing. Some people believe in a sense of emotional cheating; some people have sexually open relationships.
If you don't trust one another and can't have open communication, then the idea of whether or not she was cheating doesn't matter much anymore (unless you simply want the vindication of being "right").
Invasion of privacy and distrust are very dangerous things in a relationship.
In a relationship, it's important to match up your ideas to one another. Since that can't always be done perfectly, it's important to communicate if you think your partner is crossing a line. Sometimes they may not see anything wrong with what they are doing. Some people believe in a sense of emotional cheating; some people have sexually open relationships.
If you don't trust one another and can't have open communication, then the idea of whether or not she was cheating doesn't matter much anymore (unless you simply want the vindication of being "right").
Invasion of privacy and distrust are very dangerous things in a relationship.
Was what happened her intention? Or were they just talking, they got onto old sexy times and he got worked up and used it as the opportunity to knock one out?
Personally, I don't think its cheating. Like thestrangequark I'd find it funny if I were in your situation. Though I know I wouldn't be exactly in the same situation because I wouldn't violate my partner's privacy like you did. So, obviously I agree with your gf that what you did was much worse.
I'd classify it more as emotional cheating. The thoughts and intentions are there if not the physical act. They should either work out the underlying issues or call it quits.
To pretend there is no issue is just silly. It's not an overreaction to say there is trouble in this relationship.
Mr Awe
I've never had phone sex.
Well, it's tricky. Use too much lube, and you slide right off.
I was going to say it's really hard to clean it off when you're finished
As to the topic at hand, I think the definition of cheating is defined by the parties in the relationship. In an open relationship, both parties engage in actvity that might be seen as cheating by someone in a closed relationship.
Relationships are built on trust and openness. You didn't trust your girlfriend, broke her trust by snooping in her email and found something that confirmed your view of things or your suspicions.
You didn't say if she just listened while the ex did his thing or if she talked him through it, so to speak. Did she know it was happening at the time or did she find out at the end?
All Seeing Eye
Admiral
Jesus Christ almighty, if I was you Plucky and I found that my girlfriend was having phone sex with their ex i'd dump the beyatch immediately without giving it a second thought.
The ex gf only said what he did was worse because she got caught and needed something to pin on him and bitch to her friends about. Some Women will always turn the situtation on the side.
Frankly, if you felt suspicious enough to check her e-mail the relationship was already over by that point no matter what you found.
You were both wrong. However she is more wrong because she was messing you around and put you in the position where you felt you had no other choice but to find out the truth for yourself since she wasn't going to tell you.
Sucks.
Frankly, if you felt suspicious enough to check her e-mail the relationship was already over by that point no matter what you found.
You were both wrong. However she is more wrong because she was messing you around and put you in the position where you felt you had no other choice but to find out the truth for yourself since she wasn't going to tell you.
Sucks.
Of course it is! What kind of a question is that? She's betraying your trust with someone else.
RAMA
Thats how she explained it.
OMG Thats my OLD ex. The one who not only wouldnt leave the house but pretty much lived on her couch! Where in the heck did you find a pic of her?!?
I certainly agree that the relationship is in trouble, and I never said otherwise. I was just surprised at the number of people who consider something as ridiculous as phone sex to be cheating. But as I said in subsequent posts, it is important that both parties know each others' opinions and if they don't share them then agree on the rules to follow. If both parties agreed that phone sex constituted cheating, then she was doing something wrong (still not nearly as wrong as what he did). If he was clear that he felt that way from the beginning, and she agreed to respect that feeling, then again, what she did was wrong. I personally think it's silly, but that's my opinion.
As for "emotional cheating" I don't really know what you mean by that. Hypothetically: If I spend an afternoon's commute reminiscing about the good times I had with my ex, is that emotional cheating? Being in a relationship doesn't change the fact that I loved some one before. If I fantasize about another man while in a relationship, is that emotional cheating? Because damned if I'm going to date some one who won't let me imagine sharing the Tardis with David Tennant. If I develop feelings for another man but never act on them because my current relationship is important to me, is that emotional cheating? Because you can love more than one person at once.
It is very simplistic to believe that a relationship negates all previous ones and negates sexual attraction towards others. And it is equally simplistic to believe that having such thoughts in any way detracts from a relationship or lessens the love one partner has for another. I think any partner who feels entitled to such complete and impractical emotional control over the other is immature, and any relationship in which one or both partners feel that way is doomed. I'm not a trollop, I'm not a cheater, and I believe that a healthy relationship requires honesty and loyalty as well as love. But neither am I a nun, I'm not married to Jesus, and I'm not going to say a dozen Hail Marys every time a guy with a nice bum catches my eye.
It doesn't matter if it doesn't negate feelings of a past relationship...what matters is ACTING upon it!! It includes verbal, physical and emotional interaction with someone who is not currently in a relationship with you in a sexual capacity. By any definition its cheating, including the simplest one...doing something that you would not do around your current significant other. I don't understand how this can be confused.
RAMA
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