The Current Joke Thread

[Moviefan2k4]

I tried finding something like this with the search function, but all the results had been dead for years...and I didn't want to cause trouble by resurrecting any of them. So with that in mind, here's a funny one I saw today...
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A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".

She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

[Malicia]

Kind of killed the gag from the start with the outmoded blonde stereotype. What next, one about Paddy? Apart from that the joke itself isn’t bad.

I don’t like buns that were made yesterday. I like current buns.

Courtesy of Duncan Thickett. A painfully unfunny and inexperienced standup comic by Steve Coogan.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Kind of killed the gag from the start with the outmoded blonde stereotype. What next, one about Paddy?

Agreed. If this is just going to be a dumping ground for offensive stereotypes, it's going to get shut down pretty quickly.

 

[Kai "the spy"]

At the birth of Chuck Norris, the midwife said: "Congratulations, Mrs. Norris, it's a man."

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing an Armani suit?
A: An elegant.

The math teacher tells the class: "Children, you're so bad, about 90 percent of you will have to repeat the year."
One kid remarks: "But we're not even forty."

Q: What do you call a spider without legs?
A: Raisin.

 

[HotRod]

I tried finding something like this with the search function, but all the results had been dead for years...and I didn't want to cause trouble by resurrecting any of them. So with that in mind, here's a funny one I saw today...
**********************************************************************************************
A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".

She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A bartender named Dick has many regular customers, one of whom is a doctor. Every day, the doctor comes in and Dick always has an almond daiquiri ready for him.

One fine day, before the doc's usual arrival time, Dick suddenly realizes that he doesn't have any almonds. He doesn't want to disappoint a loyal customer, so he looks around and picks up a hickory nut, figures he might as well try it, and makes a daiquiri out of that.

So the doctor comes in and takes a good long pull from the resulting drink. Then he says:

"Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"

And Dick replies,

"No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

 

[Rowdy Roddy McDowall]

Here's a verbatim conversation between my two workers during one of my '80s jobs.

'I called Ray Dick. He's not sending any more files.''
''Can you blame him? Neither would I.''

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One of them farts. The other one says "HEY! I'm eating here!"

 

[Kai "the spy"]

During an experiment, three people are each given the problem 2+2=. The three candidates are an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician.
The engineer looks at the problem, leans back and says: "Four."
The phycisist looks at the problem, thinks for a minute, finally says: "The answer is between 3.9 and 4.1."
The mathematician looks at the problem, thinks for a minute, then stands up, takes pen, paper and a calculator, and walks into a closet. After three hours, they come out and announces: "Good news, folks, the problem is solvable."


Q: Why did the mathematician spill his TV dinner in the oven?
A: The directions clearly stated "Put it in the oven at 180°".


Two mathematicians catch up with one another. One says: "So, the other day, my girlfriend rode her bike to my house, jumped off the bike, ripped off her dress before me and told me to finally take what I wanted. So, I took her bike."
Says the other one: "Obviously, the dress was ripped."

 

[Fantasy Lover]

One of my elementary teachers thought me most of the jokes I know, this one is a bit of an insult: what's the difference between a laundry machine and you? The laundry machine works on electricity and you work on my nerves

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

The Cisco Kid is riding his horse out alone in the middle of the desert. All of a sudden, dark clouds move in and it begins to rain buckets.
He looks around at the rocks and plants, but nothing looks tall enough or big enough to shelter him.
He looks for a cave, but the nearest one is high up on a cliff far away.
Finally, he looks into his saddlebag. With a smile, he pulls out a large plastic rain slicker and puts it on. "Ah Poncho!"

****
My local wildlife supply store is refusing to sell me any bird feeding products.
I think I'll suet.

 

[Colonel Midnight]

Did y’all hear about the kidnapping at school today?













He/She woke up.

Cheers,
-CM-

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

What did the teacher say to her hunched-over student who kept using the term "winged insect" in his essays?

You've got to straighten up and write "fly".

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink. Descartes replies "I think not."

He disappears.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A man answers his doorbell and finds a snail there. So he picks up the snail and flings it as far as he can. The snail sails clear to the edge of the lawn.

Five years later, the man answers the door and it's the same snail. The snail goes,

"What the hell was that all about?"

 

[HIjol]

This one has been making the rounds in a Third Grade, after their field trip to a farm, as part of their “Charlotte’s Web” Author Study..,

What has ears, but can’t hear?
A cornfield!

Then, they laugh like maniacs…

 

[Colonel Midnight]

Why did the scarecrow win first place in the competition?

Because he was outstanding in his field…

Cheers,
-CM-

 

[HIjol]

What do you call a fake noodle?’
An impasta!