Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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It's a Lower Decks Life
“Ugh, I can’t believe this is happening to me,” Boimler sighed mournfully as he worked. “I was the one who really wanted to go on the latest planetary survey mission. I was only one who willingly volunteered! But did I get picked? No! Instead of handing out and collecting surveys on how satisfied a bunch of planetary inhabitants are with Starfleet, I’m down here scrubbing exhaust manifolds. Again!”
“Eh, dem’s the breaks, Boims,” Mariner shrugged while laboring alongside him, Tendi and Rutherford. “We don’t get the luxury of picking which missions or duties we’re assigned to.”
“And I suppose it was just a ‘coincidence’ that we were all assigned to deuterium maintenance duty after one of Commander Ransom’s kettlebells was replaced with a disguised Capellan power-cat carrier?” Boimler gave Mariner a look. “Which also happened to contain a very live and enraged Capellan power-cat?”
“Hey, you said it, not me,” Mariner pointed out. “I wasn’t even given the chance to mount a defense. Ransom and what remained of his scorched, frizzled hair didn’t even bother looking for proof. He just prejudicially presumed I was the one who pulled off such an awesome, unheard of, never-before-attempted prank.”
“Did you?” Rutherford asked innocently.
“That’s not important, Ruthy,” Mariner waved. “What’s important is we don’t let getting assigned to dull and boring duties get us down.”
“Yeah,” Tendi smiled in agreement. “I don’t mind being assigned these kinds of jobs. They always give me an opportunity to learn more about the ship. Like how clogged a dirty deuterium injector can get before needing to be replaced.”
“Or how far deuterium storage tanks can be pushed beyond their regulation pressure ratings before blowing up,” Rutherford added.
“I suppose you’re right,” Boimler admitted with a sigh. “Still, it would be nice to be assigned to a real first contact mission. Or a high-stakes diplomacy summit. Or be part of a galaxy-changing discovery. Just once…”
“Eh, keep dreaming, Boims,” Mariner said as she finished cleaning her latest exhaust manifold before moving on to the next. “Such fame-making moments are for the flashy ships and senior staff. We Lower Deckers are stuck with this. It may not be the most glamorous or impressive of lives, but it’s all ours and we’re darn proud of it!”
“Yeah!” Tendi beamed throwing herself into her work with renewed vigor. “It's a Lower Decks life for us.”
“It's a Lower Decks life for us!” Mariner smiled joining in. “'Stead of glory, we get gored!”
“Gored?!” Boimler blinked doing a take.
“OH MY GOSH! MY HEART! MY SPLEEN!” A heavily bruised and blood-spattered Ensign Casey wailed as he was rushed past the open doors on an antigrav with a large, sharp-bladed weapon imbedded in his chest. “I DON’T WANT TO BE ON SURVEY DUTY ANYMORE! SURVEY TAKERS ARE SCARY!”
“I see your point,” Boimler gulped. “Though not nearly as bad as Ensign Casey.”
“'Stead of invites, we’re ignored!” Rutherford chimed in synergy. “It's a Lower Decks life!”
“No kidding,” Boimler sighed as his three friends began to dance around in time with their work.
“Unsung members of the crew!” Mariner grinned striking a pose.
“Doing stuff others won’t do!” Rutherford boasted proudly.
“Toiling sans recognition!” Boimler lamented finally joining in.
“Dreaming of exploration!” Tendi’s eyes sparked at the thought. “It's a Lower Decks life!”
“Yeah!” The four ensigns shouted as they proceeded to work, sing and prance about the room.
“There are days dealing with the latest weird mess!” Rutherford commented as a nearby console suddenly burst and shot out a spaghettied tangle of opti-cables.
“There are days filled with adventure and fun!” Tendi giggled happily.
“Always swamped with logs, paperwork and madness!” Boimler noted going over a pile of stacked padds.
“With lots of spirits in more ways than one!” Mariner grinned opening a panel revealing a hidden cache of Orion delaq.
“Huh?” Boimler yelped doing a double-take. “When did you smuggle that aboard the ship? On second thought, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know!”
“Loads of tools, kits and gadgets we’re packing!” Rutherford sang showing off his collection.
“To prevent the ship from falling apart!” Tendi smiled as part of the ceiling suddenly broke off and crashed to the floor.
“Of high rank and authority we’re lacking!” Boimler sighed wistfully.
“While having plenty of passion and heart!” Mariner whooped downing a shot of delaq.
“LOOK OUT! OUTTA THE WAY!” Lieutenant Commander Stevens ran past the doorway wearing a look of sheer terror. “AN EXPERIMENTAL BATCH OF NANOTECH SOMEHOW MERGED WITH ONE OF DOCTOR MIGLEEMO’S REGURGITATION SOUFFLÉS AND BROUGHT THE DARN THING TO LIFE!”
“BLORP! BLORP! BLORP!” A huge, puffy mass surged down the corridor after Stevens.
“Oh!” Rutherford trilled.
“Oh!” Tendi chirruped.
“Ohhhhhh!” Boimler moaned.
“GET BACK HERE, YOU UNDERCOOKED MONSTROSITY!” Lieutenant Shaxs roared leading a Security team after the wayward dessert. “SET PHASERS TO BAKE!”
“Plasma coolant life!” Rutherford smiled inspecting a driver coil.
“Disease frequent life!” Tendi oohed scanning a declogged lump of gunk.
“Boring mundane life!” Mariner remarked taking another swig of delaq.
“Crazy insane life!” Boimler countered with a groan.
“DIE, SOUFFLÉ, DIE!” Shaxs was heard roaring in glee.
“BLORP! BLORP! BLORP!”
“NO, NOT MY BABY!” Migleemo wailed in anguish. “DON’T YOU DARE COLLAPSE MY PRECIOUS SOUFFLÉ, YOU OVERSTEAMED BRUTE! AT LEAST NOT BEFORE I TASTE IT!”
“Epic deeds we never do!” Boimler sighed in disappointment.
“Like ol’ Garth’s!” Mariner commented.
“Who’s that?” Tendi asked.
“No clue!” Rutherford shrugged.
“No one spares you a smidgen!” The four officers noted in harmony. “When you're a lowly ensign! It's a Lower Decks life!”
“What the heck is going on in here?” Captain Freeman suddenly entered the room along with Commander Ransom. "Stop slacking off! You're all gonna work until these manifolds shine like those of a brand-new Sovereign-class.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Mariner waved while quickly hiding her bottle of delaq.
“Work, work, work!” Ransom barked as he made a quick inspection.
“Boy, his hair looks really dumb,” Boimler and Rutherford muttered under their breaths.
“Move it, Ensigns!” Ransom ordered.
“Kick him in his well-toned bum,” Tendi giggled quietly.
“Does this look clean to you?” Ransom asked checking an injector.
“Phaser him to kingdom come!” Mariner cackled miming doing so.
“What was that?” Ransom frowned turning towards them.
“We love you, Commander Ransom!” The four Lower Deckers chimed sweetly.
“Right,” Ransom gave them all a look before he and Freeman exited the room. “Get to work, people! Scan that space! Monitor those readouts! Polish those screens! And I mean right now…AAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“BLORP! BLORP! BLORP!” The questionably sentient soufflé gurgled sweeping down the corridor and taking Ransom with it.
“What the?!” Freeman gawked while barely managing to avoid being enveloped.
“No! Stop! Don’t eat my soufflé!” Migleemo cried chasing after them.
“YOU’RE STUPID SOUFFLÉ IS TRYING TO EAT ME!” Ransom yelled. “GAHHHHHH, NOT THE ROUX!”
“It's a Lower Decks life for us! It's a Lower Decks life for us!” Boimler, Mariner, Tendi and Rutherford sang as they continued to work while ignoring the madness raging through the rest of the Cerritos. “No one spares you a smidgen! When you're a lowly ensign! It's a Lower Decks life!”
“YEEEOOOWWWWWW!” Ransom shrieked.
“It's a Lower Decks life!” The four ensigns whooped finishing their work with a flourish. “It's a Lower Decks life! IT’S A LOWER DECKS LIFE!”
“And people wonder why those serving aboard California-class ships don’t get much respect,” Captain Freeman groaned rubbing her temples as the chaos swirled around her. “I bet Pike never had to deal with anything like this!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song "It's a Hard Knocks Life".
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It's a Lower Decks Life
“Ugh, I can’t believe this is happening to me,” Boimler sighed mournfully as he worked. “I was the one who really wanted to go on the latest planetary survey mission. I was only one who willingly volunteered! But did I get picked? No! Instead of handing out and collecting surveys on how satisfied a bunch of planetary inhabitants are with Starfleet, I’m down here scrubbing exhaust manifolds. Again!”
“Eh, dem’s the breaks, Boims,” Mariner shrugged while laboring alongside him, Tendi and Rutherford. “We don’t get the luxury of picking which missions or duties we’re assigned to.”
“And I suppose it was just a ‘coincidence’ that we were all assigned to deuterium maintenance duty after one of Commander Ransom’s kettlebells was replaced with a disguised Capellan power-cat carrier?” Boimler gave Mariner a look. “Which also happened to contain a very live and enraged Capellan power-cat?”
“Hey, you said it, not me,” Mariner pointed out. “I wasn’t even given the chance to mount a defense. Ransom and what remained of his scorched, frizzled hair didn’t even bother looking for proof. He just prejudicially presumed I was the one who pulled off such an awesome, unheard of, never-before-attempted prank.”
“Did you?” Rutherford asked innocently.
“That’s not important, Ruthy,” Mariner waved. “What’s important is we don’t let getting assigned to dull and boring duties get us down.”
“Yeah,” Tendi smiled in agreement. “I don’t mind being assigned these kinds of jobs. They always give me an opportunity to learn more about the ship. Like how clogged a dirty deuterium injector can get before needing to be replaced.”
“Or how far deuterium storage tanks can be pushed beyond their regulation pressure ratings before blowing up,” Rutherford added.
“I suppose you’re right,” Boimler admitted with a sigh. “Still, it would be nice to be assigned to a real first contact mission. Or a high-stakes diplomacy summit. Or be part of a galaxy-changing discovery. Just once…”
“Eh, keep dreaming, Boims,” Mariner said as she finished cleaning her latest exhaust manifold before moving on to the next. “Such fame-making moments are for the flashy ships and senior staff. We Lower Deckers are stuck with this. It may not be the most glamorous or impressive of lives, but it’s all ours and we’re darn proud of it!”
“Yeah!” Tendi beamed throwing herself into her work with renewed vigor. “It's a Lower Decks life for us.”
“It's a Lower Decks life for us!” Mariner smiled joining in. “'Stead of glory, we get gored!”
“Gored?!” Boimler blinked doing a take.
“OH MY GOSH! MY HEART! MY SPLEEN!” A heavily bruised and blood-spattered Ensign Casey wailed as he was rushed past the open doors on an antigrav with a large, sharp-bladed weapon imbedded in his chest. “I DON’T WANT TO BE ON SURVEY DUTY ANYMORE! SURVEY TAKERS ARE SCARY!”
“I see your point,” Boimler gulped. “Though not nearly as bad as Ensign Casey.”
“'Stead of invites, we’re ignored!” Rutherford chimed in synergy. “It's a Lower Decks life!”
“No kidding,” Boimler sighed as his three friends began to dance around in time with their work.
“Unsung members of the crew!” Mariner grinned striking a pose.
“Doing stuff others won’t do!” Rutherford boasted proudly.
“Toiling sans recognition!” Boimler lamented finally joining in.
“Dreaming of exploration!” Tendi’s eyes sparked at the thought. “It's a Lower Decks life!”
“Yeah!” The four ensigns shouted as they proceeded to work, sing and prance about the room.
“There are days dealing with the latest weird mess!” Rutherford commented as a nearby console suddenly burst and shot out a spaghettied tangle of opti-cables.
“There are days filled with adventure and fun!” Tendi giggled happily.
“Always swamped with logs, paperwork and madness!” Boimler noted going over a pile of stacked padds.
“With lots of spirits in more ways than one!” Mariner grinned opening a panel revealing a hidden cache of Orion delaq.
“Huh?” Boimler yelped doing a double-take. “When did you smuggle that aboard the ship? On second thought, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know!”
“Loads of tools, kits and gadgets we’re packing!” Rutherford sang showing off his collection.
“To prevent the ship from falling apart!” Tendi smiled as part of the ceiling suddenly broke off and crashed to the floor.
“Of high rank and authority we’re lacking!” Boimler sighed wistfully.
“While having plenty of passion and heart!” Mariner whooped downing a shot of delaq.
“LOOK OUT! OUTTA THE WAY!” Lieutenant Commander Stevens ran past the doorway wearing a look of sheer terror. “AN EXPERIMENTAL BATCH OF NANOTECH SOMEHOW MERGED WITH ONE OF DOCTOR MIGLEEMO’S REGURGITATION SOUFFLÉS AND BROUGHT THE DARN THING TO LIFE!”
“BLORP! BLORP! BLORP!” A huge, puffy mass surged down the corridor after Stevens.
“Oh!” Rutherford trilled.
“Oh!” Tendi chirruped.
“Ohhhhhh!” Boimler moaned.
“GET BACK HERE, YOU UNDERCOOKED MONSTROSITY!” Lieutenant Shaxs roared leading a Security team after the wayward dessert. “SET PHASERS TO BAKE!”
“Plasma coolant life!” Rutherford smiled inspecting a driver coil.
“Disease frequent life!” Tendi oohed scanning a declogged lump of gunk.
“Boring mundane life!” Mariner remarked taking another swig of delaq.
“Crazy insane life!” Boimler countered with a groan.
“DIE, SOUFFLÉ, DIE!” Shaxs was heard roaring in glee.
“BLORP! BLORP! BLORP!”
“NO, NOT MY BABY!” Migleemo wailed in anguish. “DON’T YOU DARE COLLAPSE MY PRECIOUS SOUFFLÉ, YOU OVERSTEAMED BRUTE! AT LEAST NOT BEFORE I TASTE IT!”
“Epic deeds we never do!” Boimler sighed in disappointment.
“Like ol’ Garth’s!” Mariner commented.
“Who’s that?” Tendi asked.
“No clue!” Rutherford shrugged.
“No one spares you a smidgen!” The four officers noted in harmony. “When you're a lowly ensign! It's a Lower Decks life!”
“What the heck is going on in here?” Captain Freeman suddenly entered the room along with Commander Ransom. "Stop slacking off! You're all gonna work until these manifolds shine like those of a brand-new Sovereign-class.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Mariner waved while quickly hiding her bottle of delaq.
“Work, work, work!” Ransom barked as he made a quick inspection.
“Boy, his hair looks really dumb,” Boimler and Rutherford muttered under their breaths.
“Move it, Ensigns!” Ransom ordered.
“Kick him in his well-toned bum,” Tendi giggled quietly.
“Does this look clean to you?” Ransom asked checking an injector.
“Phaser him to kingdom come!” Mariner cackled miming doing so.
“What was that?” Ransom frowned turning towards them.
“We love you, Commander Ransom!” The four Lower Deckers chimed sweetly.
“Right,” Ransom gave them all a look before he and Freeman exited the room. “Get to work, people! Scan that space! Monitor those readouts! Polish those screens! And I mean right now…AAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“BLORP! BLORP! BLORP!” The questionably sentient soufflé gurgled sweeping down the corridor and taking Ransom with it.
“What the?!” Freeman gawked while barely managing to avoid being enveloped.
“No! Stop! Don’t eat my soufflé!” Migleemo cried chasing after them.
“YOU’RE STUPID SOUFFLÉ IS TRYING TO EAT ME!” Ransom yelled. “GAHHHHHH, NOT THE ROUX!”
“It's a Lower Decks life for us! It's a Lower Decks life for us!” Boimler, Mariner, Tendi and Rutherford sang as they continued to work while ignoring the madness raging through the rest of the Cerritos. “No one spares you a smidgen! When you're a lowly ensign! It's a Lower Decks life!”
“YEEEOOOWWWWWW!” Ransom shrieked.
“It's a Lower Decks life!” The four ensigns whooped finishing their work with a flourish. “It's a Lower Decks life! IT’S A LOWER DECKS LIFE!”
“And people wonder why those serving aboard California-class ships don’t get much respect,” Captain Freeman groaned rubbing her temples as the chaos swirled around her. “I bet Pike never had to deal with anything like this!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song "It's a Hard Knocks Life".
