Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Halloween Havoc
“How do I look?” Boimler asked anxiously. “Is my collar straight? Are my sleeves the same length?”
“Sheesh, relax, Boims,” Mariner rolled her eyes while positioning a series of tables in Storage Bay Three. “We’re throwing a Halloween party, not a cadet review. Stop obsessing about your costume.”
“It’s not just a costume,” Boimler insisted checking his appearance in a reflective panel for the thirtieth time. He was dressed as Captain Christopher Pike. “I worked really hard on this. It took me a week to contour my jawline just right. I even made a special trip to the ship’s barbershop in order to perfectly stylize my hair.”
“Good thing too. I don’t think the universe is ready for a purple-haired Pike,” Mariner quipped wearing a Khan outfit. “How are the lighting and sound systems coming along, Ruthy?”
“All done,” Rutherford smiled running final checks on his work. He was dressed as the Cerritos’ warp core. “Everything is set up to provide a fun and spooky Halloween ambiance complete with fog generators, flickering shadows and accompanying background music. Though it did require disabling all of the storage bay’s internal visual recorders and alert speakers.”
“Eh, that’s okay,” Mariner waved. “It just means I’ll have to rely on my own set of personal visual equipment to record any and all embarrassing blackmail opportunities.”
“As if you didn’t have enough already,” Boimler groaned.
“Oh boy! This is going to be fun!” Tendi chirped excitedly while helping set up decorations. She was dressed as an expanded Schrödinger equation. “I’ve really been looking forward to this! I’ve never attended a Halloween celebration before.”
“Really?” Mariner looked at her in surprise. “Not even at the Academy? What all did you do while you were there?”
“Study,” Tendi said obviously. “What else are you supposed to do at the Academy?”
“Oh, you poor sweet deprived child,” Mariner shook her head sympathetically. “You have no idea what all you’ve been missing out on. But never fear! I’ll happy give ya the Beckett Mariner tour on how to total rock and live up Halloween in style!”
“Please don’t,” Boimler groaned.
“Really? Thanks!” Tendi gushed happily. “I’ve been reading all about Halloween practices and traditions. I can’t wait to finally try some of them out for real!”
“Yeah, Halloween can be fun for all ages,” Rutherford smiled. “Whether it’s carving faces and pictures in pumpkins, showing off scary costumes or going out trick-or-treating with kids, there’s something in Halloween for everyone.”
“I know,” Tendi grinned. “There’s certainly no better way to celebrate a holiday than by mutilating large vegetables, intentionally terrorizing people, encouraging young children to participate in candy extortion and causing vandalism.”
“Exactly,” Boimler nodded before doing a take. “Wait, what?”
“Here! Check out some of the decorations I’ve prepared,” Tendi smiled indicating one of the display tables. “I worked really hard to make sure they’re all authentic.”
“Hey, not bad,” Mariner commented taking in a line of several craniums the size of those sported by the natives of Taurus II. “Nice work, T.”
“They look great, Tendi,” Rutherford praised. “Placing lit candles inside each skull is a nice touch. Good job fabricating such realistic-looking fakes.”
“Fakes?” Tendi blinked in surprise. “Oops!”
“What?” Boimler yelped gawking at the skulls in horror. “Tendi, where the heck did you get those things?”
“I collected them while I was assigned to Biology, Medical and Anthropology disposal duty,” Tendi explained. “The department heads declared the craniums were leftover surplus anyway and it seemed such a shame to let them all go to waste. Plus, Doctor T’Ana said I needed to work on my emergency craniotomy skills anyway…”
“That’s nice,” Rutherford gulped looking somewhat green. “Uh, I don’t suppose there were any remaining brains left inside the skulls when you collected them?”
“A few,” Tendi confirmed. “Preserved in excellent condition too. But don’t worry. I carefully removed all the craniums’ remaining brain matter before adding them to the stew.”
“WHAT?!” Boimler yelped again.
“Yeah, it was really serendipitous,” Tendi beamed proudly bringing out a large, bubbling pot of brew. “Brains were one of the main ingredients for this old Halloween-themed recipe I found. Along with mandrake, bat’s wings, eye of newt…”
“Uh, that’s really… attentive of you, Tendi,” Rutherford stuttered diplomatically.
“Not to mention disturbing,” Boimler muttered.
“Brains, brains, brains,” Mariner chanted.
“But I’m currently on a strict low-protein diet,” Rutherford continued. “So I’ll have to pass.”
“Me too!” Boimler spoke up quickly.
“Me three,” Mariner chimed in. “Sorry, T. The three of us will have to decline. But make sure to give Ransom and Stevens each a big heaping portion of stew.”
“Okay!” Tendi smiled. “Thanks for the tip!”
“Don’t mention it,” Mariner said. “Seriously, don’t.”
“Well, there goes my appetite for the night,” Boimler sighed holding his stomach. “Not to mention the rest of the week.”
“Don’t worry, Boims. You won’t have to risk facing the unknown horrors of Tendi’s terrifying brew,” Mariner assured him gesturing to several food-laden tables. “We still have plenty of cakes, cookies, candies and other sugary treats to snack on and prevent having to bowely go later.”
“You didn’t make any of those snacks, did you?” Boimler asked warily.
“Nope. Everything came straight from the replicator,” Mariner said. “Except for one or two dozen bottles of chech'tluth which I generously donated from my personal stash. For medicinal purposes, of course.”
“Great,” Boimler groaned. “I should have known.”
“C’mon, cheer up, man,” Mariner smiled tossing an arm around Boimler’s shoulders. “In a few minutes this place is gonna be filled with wild, gyrating, partying costumed bodies. Who knows, you might even get lucky. There’s bound to be plenty of ladies aboard who fantasize about being with dashing, handsome, charismatic Pike instead of dull, goofy, boring ol’ Boimler.”
“Oh, like that makes me feel so much better,” Boimler moaned. “If my nonexistent dating life wasn’t cursed before, it certain is now!”
“Trust me, Boims,” Mariner said. “Everything is gonna be just fine.”
That was when a strange, glowing portal suddenly swirled into existence in the middle of the storage bay. “Huh?” Tendi stared at the unexpected anomaly in surprise. “What the heck?”
“Hey, nice job on the spooky special effects, Ruthy,” Mariner praised. “That glowing portal looks totally realistic.”
“I didn’t cause that,” Rutherford blinked checking his equipment. “At least I don’t think I did.”
“Really?” Boimler asked. “That’s a first.”
“Etzccite!” A squad of leafy, two-meter-tall lifeforms suddenly emerged from the portal. They bore a vague resemblance to walking hybrids of corn stalks, sunflowers and baobab trees. “Rzqloputo hceevjitku lbuqqazy!”
“O-kay,” Mariner took in the scene. “I didn’t catch any of that. How about you guys?”
“Nothing,” Tendi said. “They are clearly an entirely unknown species. The universal translator likewise requires more data in order to construct a proper translation matrix.”
“Then let’s try to provide some,” Boimler nodded cautiously stepping toward the new arrivals. “Greetings. I’m Captain Christopher Pike…er, I mean, I’m Ensign Brad Boimler of the Federation starship Cerritos…”
“Oxjuzqttiv!” The squad of aliens burbled before rearing back and spraying some sort of buff-colored liquid from their bodies.
Hissss!
“Huh?” Boimler yelped ducking aside. He watched as the streams of strange liquid landed and immediately began burning through the floor. “Yikes!”
Boom!
“Wow, did you see that?” Tendi asked as a few stray drops of alien liquid landed in an open mug of chech'tluth and caused it to explode. “The liquid those aliens are shooting chemically reacted with the water and alcohol resulting in combustion. It must be some form of highly concentrated sulfuric acid. That means the alien lifeforms are probably sulfur-based. Neat!”
“That’s one way to put it,” Boimler gulped as the four ensigns quickly took cover behind the tables.
“Success!” The squad of aliens crowed as more aliens proceed to pour out from the strange portal. “The natives cower in terror at our might! They and their kind will soon fall before the great Xyltzhuoti Inundatium!”
“Wow. That was fast,” Rutherford commented at the unexpected translation. “Let’s hear it for the universal translator.”
“Still needs work if you ask me,” Boimler commented. “Is ‘Inundatium’ even a word?”
“No time for semantics now, Boims,” Mariner said whipping out a phaser. “You heard those guys. They’re trying to take over the ship. Well, we won’t let ‘em!” She swiftly leapt up and snapped off several shots.
“Ha! Look at the native’s pathetic attempts at resistance,” The invading Xyltzhuoti burbled in contempt. Those who had been hit by phaser strikes were unharmed and appeared more vibrant than before. “Their primitive weapons are direct energy-based. Easily absorbed and repurposed by our superior bodily forms!”
“Uh oh,” Rutherford gulped. “The aliens are impervious to phasers.”
“Their biology apparently allows them to completely absorb the energy and convert it into mass,” Tendi theorized. “Just like many other photosynthetic lifeforms only with a much faster conversion rate.”
“Great, a bunch of solar powered talking plants bent on taking over the Cerritos,” Mariner noted putting away her phaser. “Talk about an invasive species!”
“Quick! We have to warn the rest of the ship!” Boimler shouted bolting for the doors. “I just had to leave my combadge in my bunk in order to be more historically accurate…”
“One of the natives is fleeing!” Several flower-sprouting Xyltzhuoti spotted Boimler and shot several delicate-looking blossoms at him. “Kill it!”
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
“Aaahhhhhh!” Boimler yelled and just barely managed to avoid being hit by the blossoms before they exploded. He quickly took cover once again. “Are you kidding me?”
“Okay, the aliens can shoot out both acid streams and exploding blossoms from their bodies,” Rutherford blinked at the brightly colored splotches the series of exploding blossoms left behind. “That’s different.”
“That’s amazing,” Tendi marveled.
“That does it!” Mariner declared leaping up and began throwing everything she could get her hands on at the growing mass of Xyltzhuoti. “We gotta take these guys down! The fate of the entire ship and our Halloween party is counting on us!”
“Yeah! Let’s do it!” Tendi and Rutherford cheered joining Mariner in tossing handfuls of cookies and candy at the invaders.
HISSSSSS!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Then again, maybe not," Rutherford gulped as the three ensigns quickly ducked as another barrage of acid streams and exploding blossoms were directed at them.
“Grrr, if only I could reach one of my hidden contraband caches,” Mariner cursed. “Then I’d really be able to mow these guys down. Literally!”
“Surrender, natives!” The company of Xyltzhuoti roared as they easily surrounded the huddled Lower Deckers. “You have no chance against the unstoppable Xyltzhuoti Inundati…AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
“Huh?” Boimler gawked in shock as several candy-covered Xyltzhuoti screamed and rapidly turned into large, blackened husks. “Oh my gosh!”
“WAAAGGGHHHHHH!” Other Xyltzhuoti shrieked in agony. “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!”
“O-kay,” Mariner stared at the scene in confusion. “Someone mind telling me what the heck’s going on?”
“Aha! It’s the sugar!” Tendi cried in realization. “The aliens’, I mean, the Xyltzhuotis’ bodies must secrete and be covered with highly concentrated sulfuric acid. The acid reacted with all the sugar in the candy and cookies and stuff, thus turning the Xyltzhuotis’ bodies to carbon and catching them in the associated extreme exothermic process.”
HIIISSSSSSSSS!
“YEEEOOOWWW! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!”
“You don’t say,” Boimler winced at the Xyltzhuotis’ screams. “Guess too much sugar really is bad for some beings’ health.”
“LOOK OUT! THE NATIVES ARE ASSAULTING US WITH LUMPS OF PURE POISON TOO!” Several terrified Xyltzhuoti wailed as Mariner pelleted them with more candy. “HELP! I CAN NOT METABOLIZE! AAACCCKKKKK!”
“Chocolate doesn’t seem to agree with them either,” Tendi added.
“Um, shouldn’t we do something about this?” Rutherford asked worriedly as more Xyltzhuoti screeched as they were literally roasted alive. “The Xyltzhuoti are sentient lifeforms after all.”
“Dude, these bozos are also trying to invade the ship,” Mariner pointed out hurling more sweets and candy at the Xyltzhuoti. “We’re completely justified in defending ourselves in this kind of situation.”
“You have a point,” Boimler agreed reluctantly reaching for a bowl of candy corn. “Let’s finish this!”
“NO! STOP! MERCY! WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!” The Xyltzhuoti screamed at the Lower Deckers’ onslaught. “AAAHHHHHH! RETREAT! RETREAT!”
“Bad Xyltzhuoti! Bad Xyltzhuoti!” Tendi scolded lobbing globs of caramel sauce at the Xyltzhuoti. Those Xyltzhuoti hit with them were swiftly reduced to ash. “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”
“YOU CURSED NATIVES ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!” The Xyltzhuoti howled as they fled back through the strange portal. “WE XYLTZHUOTI WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE! YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF US!”
“Wanna bet?” Mariner shouted reaching into her costume and tossing several hand-sized objects into the portal right before it closed. “And stay out!”
“Wow. That was definitely one of the weirder fights we’ve ever been in,” Rutherford noted checking his implant. He glanced at Mariner. “What were those things you threw through the portal at the end?”
“Eh, just a few marshmallow bombs,” Mariner said. “Each one covers an entire area with marshmallow fluff. Made ‘em myself earlier today.”
“What?!” Boimler yelped. “Why would ever make a bunch of marshmallow bombs? How were you originally planning to use them?”
“Oh, you know. Just the usual places,” Mariner shrugged casually. “Ransom’s quarters, Steven’s quarters, Levy’s quarters, the entire hallway housing those jerks from Delta shift…”
“I should have known,” Boimler groaned.
“Hey, don’t go berating Mariner too much,” Rutherford defended. “Her decision to construct and use marshmallow bombs hopefully deterred the Xyltzhuoti from ever coming back.”
“Aw, that’s too bad,” Tendi sighed in disappointment. “I’d like to learn more about them.”
“Are you insane?” Boimler gaped at her. “What am I saying?”
“Eh, I wouldn’t give your hopes up on that one, Tendi,” Mariner said. “I doubt those pompous walking salad bars will ever try to invade the Cerritos again.”
“Yeah, we did manage to save the ship,” Rutherford beamed with pride. “Thanks to us, disaster was averted.”
“Excuse me, Ensign Mariner,” Captain Freeman suddenly entered the storage bay. “I just wanted to remind you to not go overboard with your planned Halloween…WHAT THE DEVIL’S GOING ON HERE?!”
“On the other hand,” Rutherford gulped.
“What have you people done to this room?” Freeman demanded gazing around at the candy- and scorch-covered bulkheads, acid-eaten floors and utterly destroyed storage bay. “I gave you permission to hold a Halloween party, not reenact the aftermath of last year’s chili making competition!”
“Whoa, settle down there, Cap. It wasn’t our fault,” Mariner defending holding up her hands. “A species of walking, talking, acid-shooting, exploding blossom tossing, sulfur-based plant-like lifeforms invaded the ship by means of a strange unknown portal, but we heroically drove the invaders back by bombarding them with our ample supplies of cookies, candy and other sugary Halloween treats.”
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” Freeman glared at Mariner. “Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“Not really, no,” Mariner admitted. “Heck, I witnessed the whole thing and I still don’t believe it.”
“I believe you are in a whole heap of trouble!” Freeman roared. “Your little Halloween party is cancelled! All of you are on report: Ensigns Mariner, Tendi, Rutherford and whoever that other troublemaker is dressed as Captain Pike.”
“What?” Tendi and Rutherford gasped.
“Hey, there’s no need for that!” Mariner snapped coming to friends’ defense. “If you really need to blame someone, blame me! Tendi and Rutherford didn’t have anything to do with this.”
“Well, technically…” Tendi began hesitantly.
“I said you had nothing to do with this,” Mariner repeated giving Tendi a look. “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!”
“But…but…” Rutherford sputtered.
“I’ll take your selfless assertion under advisement,” Freeman stated coldly. “In the meantime, I want you all to clean up the mess this storage bay has become. Immediately!”
“Yes, sir,” Boimler, Tendi and Rutherford nodded.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” Mariner waved. “Catch ya later, Cap.”
“If only I could catch you,” Freeman muttered to herself exiting the storage bay. “Catch you red-handed so I can finally kick your rule-breaking butt off my ship once and for all…”
“Well, that wasn’t too bad,” Rutherford commented at Freeman’s departure. “At least Captain Freeman didn’t throw any of us in the Brig.”
“Yeah, that was rather unexpected,” Mariner commented. “Freeman must be really mellowing out.”
“She won’t be after reading my report describing what happened here,” Boimler moaned. “I can see my perfect record going down in flames right before my eyes…”
“Dude, are you nuts?” Mariner snapped whacking Boimler on the head. “You heard Freeman just now. She didn’t believe a word we said. Even with all the messy evidence right in front of her. Are you really gonna try to convince her we fought off an unknown hostile species by using candy without a single shred of proof? And sacrifice your completely anonymous involvement due to Freeman not recognizing you due to your costume?”
“Well, when you put it like that,” Boimler sighed rubbing his head. “I guess it would be best for everyone if we forget this entire inane episode ever happened.”
“Darn right,” Mariner grinned turning to Tendi and Rutherford. “Got that, guys?”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford agreed amicably.
“Okay,” Tendi smiled and began cleaning up the storage bay. “Boy, this really was a fun Halloween. Even without the party. I can’t wait to participate in other traditional holidays.”
“If you thought this was fun,” Mariner grinned wickedly. “Just wait until it’s time to celebrate New Year’s!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
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Halloween Havoc
“How do I look?” Boimler asked anxiously. “Is my collar straight? Are my sleeves the same length?”
“Sheesh, relax, Boims,” Mariner rolled her eyes while positioning a series of tables in Storage Bay Three. “We’re throwing a Halloween party, not a cadet review. Stop obsessing about your costume.”
“It’s not just a costume,” Boimler insisted checking his appearance in a reflective panel for the thirtieth time. He was dressed as Captain Christopher Pike. “I worked really hard on this. It took me a week to contour my jawline just right. I even made a special trip to the ship’s barbershop in order to perfectly stylize my hair.”
“Good thing too. I don’t think the universe is ready for a purple-haired Pike,” Mariner quipped wearing a Khan outfit. “How are the lighting and sound systems coming along, Ruthy?”
“All done,” Rutherford smiled running final checks on his work. He was dressed as the Cerritos’ warp core. “Everything is set up to provide a fun and spooky Halloween ambiance complete with fog generators, flickering shadows and accompanying background music. Though it did require disabling all of the storage bay’s internal visual recorders and alert speakers.”
“Eh, that’s okay,” Mariner waved. “It just means I’ll have to rely on my own set of personal visual equipment to record any and all embarrassing blackmail opportunities.”
“As if you didn’t have enough already,” Boimler groaned.
“Oh boy! This is going to be fun!” Tendi chirped excitedly while helping set up decorations. She was dressed as an expanded Schrödinger equation. “I’ve really been looking forward to this! I’ve never attended a Halloween celebration before.”
“Really?” Mariner looked at her in surprise. “Not even at the Academy? What all did you do while you were there?”
“Study,” Tendi said obviously. “What else are you supposed to do at the Academy?”
“Oh, you poor sweet deprived child,” Mariner shook her head sympathetically. “You have no idea what all you’ve been missing out on. But never fear! I’ll happy give ya the Beckett Mariner tour on how to total rock and live up Halloween in style!”
“Please don’t,” Boimler groaned.
“Really? Thanks!” Tendi gushed happily. “I’ve been reading all about Halloween practices and traditions. I can’t wait to finally try some of them out for real!”
“Yeah, Halloween can be fun for all ages,” Rutherford smiled. “Whether it’s carving faces and pictures in pumpkins, showing off scary costumes or going out trick-or-treating with kids, there’s something in Halloween for everyone.”
“I know,” Tendi grinned. “There’s certainly no better way to celebrate a holiday than by mutilating large vegetables, intentionally terrorizing people, encouraging young children to participate in candy extortion and causing vandalism.”
“Exactly,” Boimler nodded before doing a take. “Wait, what?”
“Here! Check out some of the decorations I’ve prepared,” Tendi smiled indicating one of the display tables. “I worked really hard to make sure they’re all authentic.”
“Hey, not bad,” Mariner commented taking in a line of several craniums the size of those sported by the natives of Taurus II. “Nice work, T.”
“They look great, Tendi,” Rutherford praised. “Placing lit candles inside each skull is a nice touch. Good job fabricating such realistic-looking fakes.”
“Fakes?” Tendi blinked in surprise. “Oops!”
“What?” Boimler yelped gawking at the skulls in horror. “Tendi, where the heck did you get those things?”
“I collected them while I was assigned to Biology, Medical and Anthropology disposal duty,” Tendi explained. “The department heads declared the craniums were leftover surplus anyway and it seemed such a shame to let them all go to waste. Plus, Doctor T’Ana said I needed to work on my emergency craniotomy skills anyway…”
“That’s nice,” Rutherford gulped looking somewhat green. “Uh, I don’t suppose there were any remaining brains left inside the skulls when you collected them?”
“A few,” Tendi confirmed. “Preserved in excellent condition too. But don’t worry. I carefully removed all the craniums’ remaining brain matter before adding them to the stew.”
“WHAT?!” Boimler yelped again.
“Yeah, it was really serendipitous,” Tendi beamed proudly bringing out a large, bubbling pot of brew. “Brains were one of the main ingredients for this old Halloween-themed recipe I found. Along with mandrake, bat’s wings, eye of newt…”
“Uh, that’s really… attentive of you, Tendi,” Rutherford stuttered diplomatically.
“Not to mention disturbing,” Boimler muttered.
“Brains, brains, brains,” Mariner chanted.
“But I’m currently on a strict low-protein diet,” Rutherford continued. “So I’ll have to pass.”
“Me too!” Boimler spoke up quickly.
“Me three,” Mariner chimed in. “Sorry, T. The three of us will have to decline. But make sure to give Ransom and Stevens each a big heaping portion of stew.”
“Okay!” Tendi smiled. “Thanks for the tip!”
“Don’t mention it,” Mariner said. “Seriously, don’t.”
“Well, there goes my appetite for the night,” Boimler sighed holding his stomach. “Not to mention the rest of the week.”
“Don’t worry, Boims. You won’t have to risk facing the unknown horrors of Tendi’s terrifying brew,” Mariner assured him gesturing to several food-laden tables. “We still have plenty of cakes, cookies, candies and other sugary treats to snack on and prevent having to bowely go later.”
“You didn’t make any of those snacks, did you?” Boimler asked warily.
“Nope. Everything came straight from the replicator,” Mariner said. “Except for one or two dozen bottles of chech'tluth which I generously donated from my personal stash. For medicinal purposes, of course.”
“Great,” Boimler groaned. “I should have known.”
“C’mon, cheer up, man,” Mariner smiled tossing an arm around Boimler’s shoulders. “In a few minutes this place is gonna be filled with wild, gyrating, partying costumed bodies. Who knows, you might even get lucky. There’s bound to be plenty of ladies aboard who fantasize about being with dashing, handsome, charismatic Pike instead of dull, goofy, boring ol’ Boimler.”
“Oh, like that makes me feel so much better,” Boimler moaned. “If my nonexistent dating life wasn’t cursed before, it certain is now!”
“Trust me, Boims,” Mariner said. “Everything is gonna be just fine.”
That was when a strange, glowing portal suddenly swirled into existence in the middle of the storage bay. “Huh?” Tendi stared at the unexpected anomaly in surprise. “What the heck?”
“Hey, nice job on the spooky special effects, Ruthy,” Mariner praised. “That glowing portal looks totally realistic.”
“I didn’t cause that,” Rutherford blinked checking his equipment. “At least I don’t think I did.”
“Really?” Boimler asked. “That’s a first.”
“Etzccite!” A squad of leafy, two-meter-tall lifeforms suddenly emerged from the portal. They bore a vague resemblance to walking hybrids of corn stalks, sunflowers and baobab trees. “Rzqloputo hceevjitku lbuqqazy!”
“O-kay,” Mariner took in the scene. “I didn’t catch any of that. How about you guys?”
“Nothing,” Tendi said. “They are clearly an entirely unknown species. The universal translator likewise requires more data in order to construct a proper translation matrix.”
“Then let’s try to provide some,” Boimler nodded cautiously stepping toward the new arrivals. “Greetings. I’m Captain Christopher Pike…er, I mean, I’m Ensign Brad Boimler of the Federation starship Cerritos…”
“Oxjuzqttiv!” The squad of aliens burbled before rearing back and spraying some sort of buff-colored liquid from their bodies.
Hissss!
“Huh?” Boimler yelped ducking aside. He watched as the streams of strange liquid landed and immediately began burning through the floor. “Yikes!”
Boom!
“Wow, did you see that?” Tendi asked as a few stray drops of alien liquid landed in an open mug of chech'tluth and caused it to explode. “The liquid those aliens are shooting chemically reacted with the water and alcohol resulting in combustion. It must be some form of highly concentrated sulfuric acid. That means the alien lifeforms are probably sulfur-based. Neat!”
“That’s one way to put it,” Boimler gulped as the four ensigns quickly took cover behind the tables.
“Success!” The squad of aliens crowed as more aliens proceed to pour out from the strange portal. “The natives cower in terror at our might! They and their kind will soon fall before the great Xyltzhuoti Inundatium!”
“Wow. That was fast,” Rutherford commented at the unexpected translation. “Let’s hear it for the universal translator.”
“Still needs work if you ask me,” Boimler commented. “Is ‘Inundatium’ even a word?”
“No time for semantics now, Boims,” Mariner said whipping out a phaser. “You heard those guys. They’re trying to take over the ship. Well, we won’t let ‘em!” She swiftly leapt up and snapped off several shots.
“Ha! Look at the native’s pathetic attempts at resistance,” The invading Xyltzhuoti burbled in contempt. Those who had been hit by phaser strikes were unharmed and appeared more vibrant than before. “Their primitive weapons are direct energy-based. Easily absorbed and repurposed by our superior bodily forms!”
“Uh oh,” Rutherford gulped. “The aliens are impervious to phasers.”
“Their biology apparently allows them to completely absorb the energy and convert it into mass,” Tendi theorized. “Just like many other photosynthetic lifeforms only with a much faster conversion rate.”
“Great, a bunch of solar powered talking plants bent on taking over the Cerritos,” Mariner noted putting away her phaser. “Talk about an invasive species!”
“Quick! We have to warn the rest of the ship!” Boimler shouted bolting for the doors. “I just had to leave my combadge in my bunk in order to be more historically accurate…”
“One of the natives is fleeing!” Several flower-sprouting Xyltzhuoti spotted Boimler and shot several delicate-looking blossoms at him. “Kill it!”
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
“Aaahhhhhh!” Boimler yelled and just barely managed to avoid being hit by the blossoms before they exploded. He quickly took cover once again. “Are you kidding me?”
“Okay, the aliens can shoot out both acid streams and exploding blossoms from their bodies,” Rutherford blinked at the brightly colored splotches the series of exploding blossoms left behind. “That’s different.”
“That’s amazing,” Tendi marveled.
“That does it!” Mariner declared leaping up and began throwing everything she could get her hands on at the growing mass of Xyltzhuoti. “We gotta take these guys down! The fate of the entire ship and our Halloween party is counting on us!”
“Yeah! Let’s do it!” Tendi and Rutherford cheered joining Mariner in tossing handfuls of cookies and candy at the invaders.
HISSSSSS!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Then again, maybe not," Rutherford gulped as the three ensigns quickly ducked as another barrage of acid streams and exploding blossoms were directed at them.
“Grrr, if only I could reach one of my hidden contraband caches,” Mariner cursed. “Then I’d really be able to mow these guys down. Literally!”
“Surrender, natives!” The company of Xyltzhuoti roared as they easily surrounded the huddled Lower Deckers. “You have no chance against the unstoppable Xyltzhuoti Inundati…AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
“Huh?” Boimler gawked in shock as several candy-covered Xyltzhuoti screamed and rapidly turned into large, blackened husks. “Oh my gosh!”
“WAAAGGGHHHHHH!” Other Xyltzhuoti shrieked in agony. “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!”
“O-kay,” Mariner stared at the scene in confusion. “Someone mind telling me what the heck’s going on?”
“Aha! It’s the sugar!” Tendi cried in realization. “The aliens’, I mean, the Xyltzhuotis’ bodies must secrete and be covered with highly concentrated sulfuric acid. The acid reacted with all the sugar in the candy and cookies and stuff, thus turning the Xyltzhuotis’ bodies to carbon and catching them in the associated extreme exothermic process.”
HIIISSSSSSSSS!
“YEEEOOOWWW! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!”
“You don’t say,” Boimler winced at the Xyltzhuotis’ screams. “Guess too much sugar really is bad for some beings’ health.”
“LOOK OUT! THE NATIVES ARE ASSAULTING US WITH LUMPS OF PURE POISON TOO!” Several terrified Xyltzhuoti wailed as Mariner pelleted them with more candy. “HELP! I CAN NOT METABOLIZE! AAACCCKKKKK!”
“Chocolate doesn’t seem to agree with them either,” Tendi added.
“Um, shouldn’t we do something about this?” Rutherford asked worriedly as more Xyltzhuoti screeched as they were literally roasted alive. “The Xyltzhuoti are sentient lifeforms after all.”
“Dude, these bozos are also trying to invade the ship,” Mariner pointed out hurling more sweets and candy at the Xyltzhuoti. “We’re completely justified in defending ourselves in this kind of situation.”
“You have a point,” Boimler agreed reluctantly reaching for a bowl of candy corn. “Let’s finish this!”
“NO! STOP! MERCY! WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!” The Xyltzhuoti screamed at the Lower Deckers’ onslaught. “AAAHHHHHH! RETREAT! RETREAT!”
“Bad Xyltzhuoti! Bad Xyltzhuoti!” Tendi scolded lobbing globs of caramel sauce at the Xyltzhuoti. Those Xyltzhuoti hit with them were swiftly reduced to ash. “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”
“YOU CURSED NATIVES ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!” The Xyltzhuoti howled as they fled back through the strange portal. “WE XYLTZHUOTI WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE! YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF US!”
“Wanna bet?” Mariner shouted reaching into her costume and tossing several hand-sized objects into the portal right before it closed. “And stay out!”
“Wow. That was definitely one of the weirder fights we’ve ever been in,” Rutherford noted checking his implant. He glanced at Mariner. “What were those things you threw through the portal at the end?”
“Eh, just a few marshmallow bombs,” Mariner said. “Each one covers an entire area with marshmallow fluff. Made ‘em myself earlier today.”
“What?!” Boimler yelped. “Why would ever make a bunch of marshmallow bombs? How were you originally planning to use them?”
“Oh, you know. Just the usual places,” Mariner shrugged casually. “Ransom’s quarters, Steven’s quarters, Levy’s quarters, the entire hallway housing those jerks from Delta shift…”
“I should have known,” Boimler groaned.
“Hey, don’t go berating Mariner too much,” Rutherford defended. “Her decision to construct and use marshmallow bombs hopefully deterred the Xyltzhuoti from ever coming back.”
“Aw, that’s too bad,” Tendi sighed in disappointment. “I’d like to learn more about them.”
“Are you insane?” Boimler gaped at her. “What am I saying?”
“Eh, I wouldn’t give your hopes up on that one, Tendi,” Mariner said. “I doubt those pompous walking salad bars will ever try to invade the Cerritos again.”
“Yeah, we did manage to save the ship,” Rutherford beamed with pride. “Thanks to us, disaster was averted.”
“Excuse me, Ensign Mariner,” Captain Freeman suddenly entered the storage bay. “I just wanted to remind you to not go overboard with your planned Halloween…WHAT THE DEVIL’S GOING ON HERE?!”
“On the other hand,” Rutherford gulped.
“What have you people done to this room?” Freeman demanded gazing around at the candy- and scorch-covered bulkheads, acid-eaten floors and utterly destroyed storage bay. “I gave you permission to hold a Halloween party, not reenact the aftermath of last year’s chili making competition!”
“Whoa, settle down there, Cap. It wasn’t our fault,” Mariner defending holding up her hands. “A species of walking, talking, acid-shooting, exploding blossom tossing, sulfur-based plant-like lifeforms invaded the ship by means of a strange unknown portal, but we heroically drove the invaders back by bombarding them with our ample supplies of cookies, candy and other sugary Halloween treats.”
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” Freeman glared at Mariner. “Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“Not really, no,” Mariner admitted. “Heck, I witnessed the whole thing and I still don’t believe it.”
“I believe you are in a whole heap of trouble!” Freeman roared. “Your little Halloween party is cancelled! All of you are on report: Ensigns Mariner, Tendi, Rutherford and whoever that other troublemaker is dressed as Captain Pike.”
“What?” Tendi and Rutherford gasped.
“Hey, there’s no need for that!” Mariner snapped coming to friends’ defense. “If you really need to blame someone, blame me! Tendi and Rutherford didn’t have anything to do with this.”
“Well, technically…” Tendi began hesitantly.
“I said you had nothing to do with this,” Mariner repeated giving Tendi a look. “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!”
“But…but…” Rutherford sputtered.
“I’ll take your selfless assertion under advisement,” Freeman stated coldly. “In the meantime, I want you all to clean up the mess this storage bay has become. Immediately!”
“Yes, sir,” Boimler, Tendi and Rutherford nodded.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” Mariner waved. “Catch ya later, Cap.”
“If only I could catch you,” Freeman muttered to herself exiting the storage bay. “Catch you red-handed so I can finally kick your rule-breaking butt off my ship once and for all…”
“Well, that wasn’t too bad,” Rutherford commented at Freeman’s departure. “At least Captain Freeman didn’t throw any of us in the Brig.”
“Yeah, that was rather unexpected,” Mariner commented. “Freeman must be really mellowing out.”
“She won’t be after reading my report describing what happened here,” Boimler moaned. “I can see my perfect record going down in flames right before my eyes…”
“Dude, are you nuts?” Mariner snapped whacking Boimler on the head. “You heard Freeman just now. She didn’t believe a word we said. Even with all the messy evidence right in front of her. Are you really gonna try to convince her we fought off an unknown hostile species by using candy without a single shred of proof? And sacrifice your completely anonymous involvement due to Freeman not recognizing you due to your costume?”
“Well, when you put it like that,” Boimler sighed rubbing his head. “I guess it would be best for everyone if we forget this entire inane episode ever happened.”
“Darn right,” Mariner grinned turning to Tendi and Rutherford. “Got that, guys?”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford agreed amicably.
“Okay,” Tendi smiled and began cleaning up the storage bay. “Boy, this really was a fun Halloween. Even without the party. I can’t wait to participate in other traditional holidays.”
“If you thought this was fun,” Mariner grinned wickedly. “Just wait until it’s time to celebrate New Year’s!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
