Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Kicking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Ah, freedom at last, a glowing, balance ball-sized, cloud-shaped entity mused as it zipped through the vastness of interstellar space. It is nice to finally get away from all the other members of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox along with all of their stiff, conservative restrictions. “Do not interact with primitive corporeal lifeforms”. “Do not create temporal inversions or pocket alternate realities”. “Do not interfere with the space-time continuum”. Ahhh! It is enough to make my brain ache! That is if I possessed a corporeal brain. What is wrong with interacting with deserving corporeal lifeforms? I understand why one should not inflict punishment on bad-behaving lifeforms, but that does not mean we can not reward good-behaving ones. And who is more deserving of reward than members of the rumored organization known as ‘Starfleet’. Ah, there is one of their primitive spacefaring vessels now!
The glowing cloud quickly headed directly toward the aforementioned vessel and effortlessly passed through its various hull and bulkheads. Hmmm, fairly unexceptional geometric arrangement and composition, the glowing entity noted as it proceeded to explore the ship. What is this primitive conveyance’s designation? U.S.S. Cerritos? Equally mundane. But no matter. This primitive spacefaring vessel does not interest me. I am seeking an honest, optimistic and virtuous corporeal member of this reputedly legendary ‘Starfleet’. Ah, here is one!
“Okay, that takes care of all the analgesics and anesthetics,” Tendi chirped to herself as she cheerfully catalogued medical supplies in one of Sickbay’s supply rooms. “Now to inventory the latest batch of resuscitatives and stimulants…”
“Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet,” The glowing entity hailed rising up through the floor.
“Ahhh, what the heck?” Tendi yelped in surprise.
“Do not be alarmed,” The glowing entity stated. “I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. You may call me Olusi.”
“Oh, hi there!” Tendi smiled and waved her hand. “I’m Ensign D’Vana Tendi. Nice to meet you!”
“This instance of establishing mutual acquaintance has been agreeable as well,” The glowing entity identifying itself as Olusi replied. “In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward. Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Huh?” Tendi’s eyes grew wide. “Wait, are you some kind of non-corporeal lifeform?”
“Obviously,” Olusi said.
“Wow! That’s so cool!” Tendi smiled in delight. “I’ve always wanted to study…er, I mean, encounter a peaceful non-corporeal lifeform! You are peaceful, right?”
“Yes,” Olusi confirmed. “Is that your deepest desire?”
“No, but it’s definitely on my bucket list,” Tendi twittered excitedly. “Gee, this is all so sudden. I don’t know what to say.”
“Say whatever you wish,” Olusi replied. “Anything at all. For you, no restrictions exist.”
“Well, I’ve always wanted be Chief Medical Officer aboard a starship,” Tendi smiled at the thought. “And I’ve been fantasizing about being a Chief Science Officer lately too. Oooh, how about serving as both Chief Medical Officer and Chief Science Officer? That would be so cool!”
“Indeed,” Olusi remarked. “Very well. Your deepest desire will be fulfilled. Please wait a moment while I make a small alteration to the local space-time continuum…”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Tendi said. “I don’t want or need someone else to achieve my dreams for me. Instead, I’m going to work and serve and strive and study really hard in order to achieve my dreams myself!”
“Excuse me?” Olusi was taken back. “I am sorry, perhaps you misunderstood. I am offering to make your deepest desire become reality. For free. Without any negative outcomes, consequences or repercussions.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” Tendi shrugged. “I don’t need you to do that. I’m already living my dream. Serving aboard a starship as a Starfleet ensign! What could be better than that?”
“You just stated a more positive alternative a moment ago,” Olusi reminded. “Why wait for a more preferable outcome to occur when you can simply experience it right now? It really would not be any trouble. Just a simple modification of the space-time continuum and…”
“Yes, I’m living the life of my dreams right now,” Tendi smiled happily while ignoring Olusi’s overtures. “So full of endless wonder, excitement, opportunities and potential! A life in Starfleet means always studying like mad and working my fingers to the bone and I’m enjoying every second of it! I’m going to keep working and enjoying every moment of every single day! I will become a great Starfleet doctor and scientist! And I’m willing to put in any amount of work and effort to achieve it…!”
“I see,” Olusi blinked by briefly dimming its cloud-like form. “In that case, I will accept your gracious declination of my proposal. Goodbye.” Olusi departed through a bulkhead as an oblivious Tendi continued to happily babble on. Hmmm, such an unexpected and admirable individual. I can comprehend how Starfleet achieved such an impeccable reputation. That primitive corporeal lifeform clearly does not need or require my intervention in order to achieve its desires. No matter. I will simply offer to reward someone else. This new corporeal lifeform for instance…
“The regulator’s connected to the phase coil! The phase coil’s connected to the manifold!” Rutherford sang to himself as he worked on an open panel while lying inside a Jefferies tube. “The manifold’s connected to the…!”
“Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet,” Olusi suddenly appeared next to him.
“Okey nopey!” Rutherford yelped dropping an isolinear spanner in surprise and giving himself a shock. “Ouch! That hurts!”
“Apologies,” Olusi appeared contrite. “Causing harm was not my intention.”
“It’s okay. Just a little energy shock,” Rutherford said composing himself. “Nothing that hasn’t happened a hundred times before. Uh, who are you again?”
“I am Olusi, a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox,” Olusi stated. “In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward. Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Uh, gee. I don’t know,” Rutherford shrugged. “Wait, you’re not some hostile alien lifeform, are you?
“I just offered you bestow upon you a gift,” Olusi gave him a non-corporeal look. “And I am manifesting myself as a small, harmless, soothing-colored cloud. Do I appear hostile to you?”
“I guess not,” Rutherford admitted.
“Thank you for the acknowledgement,” Olusi replied. “Now about your desire…”
“Hmmm,” Rutherford thought for a moment. “Well, I’d like to research and develop new technologies. And find ways of improving existing technologies too.”
“I see,” Olusi said.
“And I want to discover new ways of utilizing technology and harness it to improve the quality of life everywhere,” Rutherford continued warming to the topic. “And use technology to better help people travel, explore and understand the universe.”
“Very well,” Olusi stated. “Your desire is most commendable and can be easily fulfilled. A moment while I create a small hyper-inversional fold…”
“Oh, that’s okay,” Rutherford waved. “I was just ticking off a list of my desires. That doesn’t mean I want to achieve any of them right now.”
“What? Why not?” Olusi asked in surprise. “I am offering you the chance to have your deepest desire instantly fulfilled.”
“Eh, where’s the fun in that?” Rutherford shrugged. “I’m more interested in working on and experiencing the process of researching, developing and experimenting with technology than actually achieving any results. If I can simply skip ahead and instantly possess any type of technology I want, what’s the point?”
“Gaining the ability to study and utilize such technology instead of expending enormous amounts of time and effort to construct them?” Olusi suggested. “Including the chance to avoid experiencing untold numbers of potential risks and failures.”
“What’s so bad about that? Failure is great!” Rutherford declared passionately. “Failure allows me to better understand and remember what doesn’t work. Along with learning what not to do. Sure, experiencing multiple failures may not feel great at the time, but that just makes success so much sweeter! Achieving effortless success without including the potential risk of failure is meaningless.”
“O-kay,” Olusi paused a moment. “But what about being in a position to research, develop and experiment with new technologies? Surely that is a desire I can help you to fulfill.”
“Na, it’s okay. I can do all of that right now,” Rutherford said. “I’m always thinking about how to research and develop new technologies when I’m off duty. And when I’m on duty too! In fact, I’m experimenting with a new bit of technology right now! All I need to finish it is an isomagnetic phasic complier, a multiplexic polaron modulator, thirty-six kilograms of triple fudge ripple bubble gum pudding…”
“Well, then allow me to assist you in acquiring the missing…” Olusi began. “Wait, pudding?”
“Oh yeah. The pudding’s the most important component,” Rutherford insisted. “Won’t be able to experiment without it. And it has to be triple fudge ripple bubble gum flavor as well. No other flavor will do. Plus, it has to be completely non-replicated. Once I finally manage to stockpile enough…!” He began to cackle maniacally.
“On second thought, I believe I will respect your desire to experience potential failure on your own,” Olusi said and quickly left the Jefferies tube. Hmmm, rewarding members of Starfleet is more difficult than I anticipated. They appear to be quite an unconventional bunch. Perhaps I should find a more willing and less sophisticated candidate. Like this peculiar corporeal lifeform here.
“…and that’s how Mariner once more wound up in the Brig,” Boimler dictated into his padd while standing in his usual supply closet. “Granted she did succeed in preventing Lieutenant Commander Stevens from being turned into a walking pink polka-dotted mushroom, but she didn’t have to completely shave his head and give him an extremely virulent case of Andronesian shingles to do it…”
“Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet,” Olusi announced entering the supply closet.
“Haaauuuhhh!” Boimler yelped stumbling back in shock. “What the heck?”
This is becoming uncomfortably repetitive, Olusi noted before continuing to address Boimler. “Do not be alarmed. I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. You may call me Olusi.
“Ooo-kay,” Boimler blinked before quickly tapping his combadge. “Ensign Boimler to Security…”
“In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward,” Olusi went on. “Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Yes? What is it?” Shaxs’ voice boomed over Boimler’s combadge.
“Intruder alert on Deck…” Boimler trailed off. “Wait, what did you say?”
“I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward,” Olusi repeated. “Any wish, dream or desire you may have, I can grant you.”
“Intruder? Where?” Shaxs roared eagerly. “I’ll take care of it!”
“Uh, never mind. False alarm. Sorry,” Boimler said tapping his combadge again while cautiously regarding Olusi. “Is this for real? You’re really offering to make my deepest wish come true? Are you a Q or something?”
“Yes, yes and no,” Olusi answered sequentially. “I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. We and the Q are completely different.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” Boimler sighed. “What am I saying? That’s great!” Boimler beamed and began bouncing up and down in excitement. “I don’t believe it! I’m actually going to achieve my dreams! The universe has finally decided to give me a break and grant me exactly what I deserve! It’s about time!”
“Indeed,” Olusi noted somewhat amusingly. “So, what exactly is your wish?”
“Well, I’d love to get promoted and be captain of my own ship, obviously,” Boimler’s eyes twinkled in delight. “Maybe a shiny new Sovereign-class. Though a well-maintained Parliament-class would be good too. Oooh, an Obena- or Luna-class would be real sweet…”
“As you wish,” Olusi said preparing to fulfill Boimler’s desire. “One moment while I…”
“And I want my own handpicked Bridge crew too,” Boimler added. “The very best of the best! Wait, I got a better idea! I’d like Tendi, Rutherford and Mariner to get promoted so we can all continue serving together. What better way to use a wish than to have my friends’ deepest desires come true too!”
“That…might be a little difficult,” Olusi paused. “I have recently encountered two of the corporeal lifeforms you mentioned. Their desires are somewhat…different than you may think…”
“Tendi would be Chief Medical Officer, Rutherford would be Chief Engineer,” Boimler went on with a smile. “And Mariner…hmmm, actually, Mariner would be perfectly happy to remain an ensign. An ensign serving aboard my ship! I’d finally be able to order her around! Ha, ha, ha!”
“Very well,” Olusi said. “Your wish is my…”
“Then again, Mariner probably wouldn’t acknowledge my authority or even listen to a word I said,” Boimler thought for a moment. “She barely bothers to respect and obey Captain Freeman. Maybe I don’t want to have Mariner serve aboard my ship. Granted, she’s a questionably good friend, but still…”
“Okay,” Olusi attempted again. “Your latest desire and concerns are noted. I will now grant your…”
“But I still want Mariner along in some fashion,” Boimler went on. “Maybe have her command and pilot her own support vessel or something. That way we can work together without her being an official member of my crew. Yeah, that’s it!”
“Fine. As you say,” Olusi tried once more. “I now reward you with…”
“And I want my friends and I to embark on all kinds of fun and amazing adventures,” Boimler continued grinning at the thought. “Exploring all the endless wonders of the universe while helping people and becoming living legends in the process and receiving all the well-earned recognition!”
“Uh huh,” Olusi noted dryly. “I will see what I can do.”
“I want to discover strange new worlds and see and experience marvels no one has ever done before!” Boimler said excitedly as he rapidly proceeded to reel off more and more desires. “While studying and cataloging every wonderful moment and phenomena down in my logs. Logs which will become priceless references for future generations of Starfleet officers! And I want to meet new species and make new friends and succeed in welcoming them in joining the Federation!”
“Excuse me, this is becoming somewhat excessive,” Olusi attempted to interrupt. “I said I would grant your deepest desire, not all of them…”
“And I want to achieve a healthy work-life balance too,” Boimler smiled completely caught up in his dreams. “I want to be a successful famous Starfleet captain known for being an explorer, scholar, diplomat and the best darn violin player in the fleet! And I want to get back together with Barbara and go on lots of amazing romantic dates and get married and have kids and have our kids achieve their deepest desires…”
“What?!” Olusi did a take. “Okay, this is a little too much! I am not sticking around with you that long! My offer to you is withdrawn! Goodbye!”
“Huh?” Boimler snapped out of his daze just as Olusi disappeared through the ceiling. “Hey! Where are you going? Come back! Come back! Nooo!” Boimler cried and began banging his head against a bulkhead. “Aaaggghhh! I blew it again! Why did I do that?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!”
Ugh, and I thought the two previous corporeal lifeforms were frustrating, Olusi thought while once more wandering around the ship. Members of Starfleet are quite perplexing. I will make one more attempt to bestow one of them with a reward. Olusi soon located a lone individual nearby and carefully approached her. “Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet. Do not be alarmed. I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. You may call me Olusi.”
“Hmmm?” Mariner casually glanced over while lying on her usual bunk in the Brig. “Hey, what up?”
“What up indeed,” Olusi replied. “In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward. Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Well, right now I’d really like a hot deep-dish pizza with the works and a bottle of Trakian ale,” Mariner said. “Or better yet, three.”
“You seem to have misunderstood,” Olusi attempted to clarify. “I am offering to make your deepest wish come true. What is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Yeah right,” Mariner snorted. “Like I’d tell you.”
“Yes, I would like you to tell me,” Olusi said. “And I am sure you will enjoy it once you tell me too.”
“Forget it, Poofy,” Mariner waved. “I ain’t playing that game.”
“Game? Poofy?” Olusi repeated in confusion. “Your terminology’s context and intentions are unclear.”
“Look, I know your type. This ain’t my first rodeo, ya know,” Mariner sat up and gave Olusi a look. “I’ve encountered non-corporeal entities like you before. You zip around the galaxy looking for unsuspecting simple-minded suckers, entice them with promises to make their every dream come true, lure them into falling for your honey-coated too-good-to-be-true bait bit and then, bam! Eat ‘em up and twist their dreams into becoming everlasting nightmares!”
“What?” Olusi was stunned. “That is not my intention at all. You are clearly mistaken.”
“Oh, I ain’t the mistaken one around here,” Mariner stated. “You really think you can simply waltz in and magically convince me to make some kind of undoubtebly Faustian bargain based on your word alone? I ain’t that gullible, Poofy!”
“I am not attempting to deceive you,” Olusi insisted. “I simply wish to reward you for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet.”
“Suuuuuure you do,” Mariner drawled sarcastically. “And I got some lovely beachfront property to sell ya on Andor.”
“Why are you so skeptical?” Olusi attempted to understand Mariner’s behavior. “I have done nothing to suggest my motives are deceitful. Is it really that difficult to accept that my offer is based on pure altruism?”
“Well, duh,” Mariner scoffed. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch in this universe, Poofy. Plus, I’m a pretty cynical individual anyway. Comes from experience.”
“But I can give you anything you want,” Olusi offered. “I can easily adjust the space-time continuum, create benign pocket dimensions and even alter the fabric of reality itself. I can make it so that you can have anything you wish.”
“Nice try, but I’m good,” Mariner waved. “You really outta work on your sales pitch. Try enticing your marks with a bit more jazz like the scams used by a telepathic bioplasmic organism or a conscious-consuming matrix-dwelling lifeform. Heck, even Landru and happy-making pod plants give better spiels than you do.”
“As you wish,” Olusi replied acting on Mariner’s suggestion. “Ah, upon performing a brief telepathic probe I perceive that you have several deep desires which I could easily fulfill.”
“What?!” Mariner yelped shooting up from her bunk. “Hey, that’s not cool! Get out of my head!”
“How about I alter reality so that you have complete independence from all the limiting rules and regulations you deem to be unnecessary?” Olusi suggested. “And make it so that your resulting behaviors are not only accepted, but commended.”
“Gaaahhh! No! Shut up!” Mariner yelled covering her ears. “I’m not listening! I’m not listening! La, la, la, la, la!”
“You will have everything you have ever truly desired,” Olusi went on. “Your mother’s praise, your father’s support, the admiration and adoration of your friends. I can even create a minor temporal inversion so that one of the close lifeforms you have lost is still alive. Such as the one known as Sito Jaxa…”
“Arrrggghhh! That’s just sick! You’ve gone too far now, Poofy!” Mariner shouted glaring at Olusi. “Fine! You wanna know what I want? I’ll tell ya what I want! And you’re gonna give it to me immediately! Capeesh?”
“Of course,” Olusi agreed. “As you wish.”
“Good,” Mariner braced herself. “What I want is…the ability to beat the ever-loving stuffing out of your sorry, non-corporeal butt!”
“Done,” Olusi said instantly fulfilling Mariner’s desire. “Wait…what?”
“Ha! Got ya now, sucker!” Mariner grinned raising her fists and lunging at Olusi. “You like messing with lowly corporeal lifeforms, huh? How about when a lowly corporeal lifeform messes with you?”
“OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!” Olusi cried reeling under Mariner’s assault. “AAAHHHHHH! SO THIS IS WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE! IT IS EVEN WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED! AAACCCKKK! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?! GAAAHHHHHH!”
“Don’t know! Don’t care!” Mariner cackled while continuing to wail on Olusi. “But I’m sure the heck enjoying it!”
“WAAAUUUGGGHHH!” Olusi screamed and quickly fled the Brig in terror. “THAT IS IT! I AM OUT OF HERE! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Serves ya right, ya sneaky glowing blob of cotton candy!” Mariner crowed and did a victory dance. “Why don’t you go and try tempting some bored Cardassians or something next time? Hey, I get to keep these cool non-corporeal entity beatdown powers, right? Hello?”
Gaaahhhhhh! These corporeal lifeforms are crazy! Olusi cried departing the Cerritos and speeding away as fast as non-corporeally possible. The other members of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox were right! I am never going to interact with primitive corporeal lifeforms again! Especially ones who are members of the mad organization known as Starfleet! Their reputation certainly is legendary alright! They are all completely and legendarily insane!
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
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Kicking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Ah, freedom at last, a glowing, balance ball-sized, cloud-shaped entity mused as it zipped through the vastness of interstellar space. It is nice to finally get away from all the other members of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox along with all of their stiff, conservative restrictions. “Do not interact with primitive corporeal lifeforms”. “Do not create temporal inversions or pocket alternate realities”. “Do not interfere with the space-time continuum”. Ahhh! It is enough to make my brain ache! That is if I possessed a corporeal brain. What is wrong with interacting with deserving corporeal lifeforms? I understand why one should not inflict punishment on bad-behaving lifeforms, but that does not mean we can not reward good-behaving ones. And who is more deserving of reward than members of the rumored organization known as ‘Starfleet’. Ah, there is one of their primitive spacefaring vessels now!
The glowing cloud quickly headed directly toward the aforementioned vessel and effortlessly passed through its various hull and bulkheads. Hmmm, fairly unexceptional geometric arrangement and composition, the glowing entity noted as it proceeded to explore the ship. What is this primitive conveyance’s designation? U.S.S. Cerritos? Equally mundane. But no matter. This primitive spacefaring vessel does not interest me. I am seeking an honest, optimistic and virtuous corporeal member of this reputedly legendary ‘Starfleet’. Ah, here is one!
“Okay, that takes care of all the analgesics and anesthetics,” Tendi chirped to herself as she cheerfully catalogued medical supplies in one of Sickbay’s supply rooms. “Now to inventory the latest batch of resuscitatives and stimulants…”
“Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet,” The glowing entity hailed rising up through the floor.
“Ahhh, what the heck?” Tendi yelped in surprise.
“Do not be alarmed,” The glowing entity stated. “I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. You may call me Olusi.”
“Oh, hi there!” Tendi smiled and waved her hand. “I’m Ensign D’Vana Tendi. Nice to meet you!”
“This instance of establishing mutual acquaintance has been agreeable as well,” The glowing entity identifying itself as Olusi replied. “In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward. Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Huh?” Tendi’s eyes grew wide. “Wait, are you some kind of non-corporeal lifeform?”
“Obviously,” Olusi said.
“Wow! That’s so cool!” Tendi smiled in delight. “I’ve always wanted to study…er, I mean, encounter a peaceful non-corporeal lifeform! You are peaceful, right?”
“Yes,” Olusi confirmed. “Is that your deepest desire?”
“No, but it’s definitely on my bucket list,” Tendi twittered excitedly. “Gee, this is all so sudden. I don’t know what to say.”
“Say whatever you wish,” Olusi replied. “Anything at all. For you, no restrictions exist.”
“Well, I’ve always wanted be Chief Medical Officer aboard a starship,” Tendi smiled at the thought. “And I’ve been fantasizing about being a Chief Science Officer lately too. Oooh, how about serving as both Chief Medical Officer and Chief Science Officer? That would be so cool!”
“Indeed,” Olusi remarked. “Very well. Your deepest desire will be fulfilled. Please wait a moment while I make a small alteration to the local space-time continuum…”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Tendi said. “I don’t want or need someone else to achieve my dreams for me. Instead, I’m going to work and serve and strive and study really hard in order to achieve my dreams myself!”
“Excuse me?” Olusi was taken back. “I am sorry, perhaps you misunderstood. I am offering to make your deepest desire become reality. For free. Without any negative outcomes, consequences or repercussions.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” Tendi shrugged. “I don’t need you to do that. I’m already living my dream. Serving aboard a starship as a Starfleet ensign! What could be better than that?”
“You just stated a more positive alternative a moment ago,” Olusi reminded. “Why wait for a more preferable outcome to occur when you can simply experience it right now? It really would not be any trouble. Just a simple modification of the space-time continuum and…”
“Yes, I’m living the life of my dreams right now,” Tendi smiled happily while ignoring Olusi’s overtures. “So full of endless wonder, excitement, opportunities and potential! A life in Starfleet means always studying like mad and working my fingers to the bone and I’m enjoying every second of it! I’m going to keep working and enjoying every moment of every single day! I will become a great Starfleet doctor and scientist! And I’m willing to put in any amount of work and effort to achieve it…!”
“I see,” Olusi blinked by briefly dimming its cloud-like form. “In that case, I will accept your gracious declination of my proposal. Goodbye.” Olusi departed through a bulkhead as an oblivious Tendi continued to happily babble on. Hmmm, such an unexpected and admirable individual. I can comprehend how Starfleet achieved such an impeccable reputation. That primitive corporeal lifeform clearly does not need or require my intervention in order to achieve its desires. No matter. I will simply offer to reward someone else. This new corporeal lifeform for instance…
“The regulator’s connected to the phase coil! The phase coil’s connected to the manifold!” Rutherford sang to himself as he worked on an open panel while lying inside a Jefferies tube. “The manifold’s connected to the…!”
“Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet,” Olusi suddenly appeared next to him.
“Okey nopey!” Rutherford yelped dropping an isolinear spanner in surprise and giving himself a shock. “Ouch! That hurts!”
“Apologies,” Olusi appeared contrite. “Causing harm was not my intention.”
“It’s okay. Just a little energy shock,” Rutherford said composing himself. “Nothing that hasn’t happened a hundred times before. Uh, who are you again?”
“I am Olusi, a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox,” Olusi stated. “In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward. Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Uh, gee. I don’t know,” Rutherford shrugged. “Wait, you’re not some hostile alien lifeform, are you?
“I just offered you bestow upon you a gift,” Olusi gave him a non-corporeal look. “And I am manifesting myself as a small, harmless, soothing-colored cloud. Do I appear hostile to you?”
“I guess not,” Rutherford admitted.
“Thank you for the acknowledgement,” Olusi replied. “Now about your desire…”
“Hmmm,” Rutherford thought for a moment. “Well, I’d like to research and develop new technologies. And find ways of improving existing technologies too.”
“I see,” Olusi said.
“And I want to discover new ways of utilizing technology and harness it to improve the quality of life everywhere,” Rutherford continued warming to the topic. “And use technology to better help people travel, explore and understand the universe.”
“Very well,” Olusi stated. “Your desire is most commendable and can be easily fulfilled. A moment while I create a small hyper-inversional fold…”
“Oh, that’s okay,” Rutherford waved. “I was just ticking off a list of my desires. That doesn’t mean I want to achieve any of them right now.”
“What? Why not?” Olusi asked in surprise. “I am offering you the chance to have your deepest desire instantly fulfilled.”
“Eh, where’s the fun in that?” Rutherford shrugged. “I’m more interested in working on and experiencing the process of researching, developing and experimenting with technology than actually achieving any results. If I can simply skip ahead and instantly possess any type of technology I want, what’s the point?”
“Gaining the ability to study and utilize such technology instead of expending enormous amounts of time and effort to construct them?” Olusi suggested. “Including the chance to avoid experiencing untold numbers of potential risks and failures.”
“What’s so bad about that? Failure is great!” Rutherford declared passionately. “Failure allows me to better understand and remember what doesn’t work. Along with learning what not to do. Sure, experiencing multiple failures may not feel great at the time, but that just makes success so much sweeter! Achieving effortless success without including the potential risk of failure is meaningless.”
“O-kay,” Olusi paused a moment. “But what about being in a position to research, develop and experiment with new technologies? Surely that is a desire I can help you to fulfill.”
“Na, it’s okay. I can do all of that right now,” Rutherford said. “I’m always thinking about how to research and develop new technologies when I’m off duty. And when I’m on duty too! In fact, I’m experimenting with a new bit of technology right now! All I need to finish it is an isomagnetic phasic complier, a multiplexic polaron modulator, thirty-six kilograms of triple fudge ripple bubble gum pudding…”
“Well, then allow me to assist you in acquiring the missing…” Olusi began. “Wait, pudding?”
“Oh yeah. The pudding’s the most important component,” Rutherford insisted. “Won’t be able to experiment without it. And it has to be triple fudge ripple bubble gum flavor as well. No other flavor will do. Plus, it has to be completely non-replicated. Once I finally manage to stockpile enough…!” He began to cackle maniacally.
“On second thought, I believe I will respect your desire to experience potential failure on your own,” Olusi said and quickly left the Jefferies tube. Hmmm, rewarding members of Starfleet is more difficult than I anticipated. They appear to be quite an unconventional bunch. Perhaps I should find a more willing and less sophisticated candidate. Like this peculiar corporeal lifeform here.
“…and that’s how Mariner once more wound up in the Brig,” Boimler dictated into his padd while standing in his usual supply closet. “Granted she did succeed in preventing Lieutenant Commander Stevens from being turned into a walking pink polka-dotted mushroom, but she didn’t have to completely shave his head and give him an extremely virulent case of Andronesian shingles to do it…”
“Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet,” Olusi announced entering the supply closet.
“Haaauuuhhh!” Boimler yelped stumbling back in shock. “What the heck?”
This is becoming uncomfortably repetitive, Olusi noted before continuing to address Boimler. “Do not be alarmed. I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. You may call me Olusi.
“Ooo-kay,” Boimler blinked before quickly tapping his combadge. “Ensign Boimler to Security…”
“In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward,” Olusi went on. “Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Yes? What is it?” Shaxs’ voice boomed over Boimler’s combadge.
“Intruder alert on Deck…” Boimler trailed off. “Wait, what did you say?”
“I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward,” Olusi repeated. “Any wish, dream or desire you may have, I can grant you.”
“Intruder? Where?” Shaxs roared eagerly. “I’ll take care of it!”
“Uh, never mind. False alarm. Sorry,” Boimler said tapping his combadge again while cautiously regarding Olusi. “Is this for real? You’re really offering to make my deepest wish come true? Are you a Q or something?”
“Yes, yes and no,” Olusi answered sequentially. “I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. We and the Q are completely different.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” Boimler sighed. “What am I saying? That’s great!” Boimler beamed and began bouncing up and down in excitement. “I don’t believe it! I’m actually going to achieve my dreams! The universe has finally decided to give me a break and grant me exactly what I deserve! It’s about time!”
“Indeed,” Olusi noted somewhat amusingly. “So, what exactly is your wish?”
“Well, I’d love to get promoted and be captain of my own ship, obviously,” Boimler’s eyes twinkled in delight. “Maybe a shiny new Sovereign-class. Though a well-maintained Parliament-class would be good too. Oooh, an Obena- or Luna-class would be real sweet…”
“As you wish,” Olusi said preparing to fulfill Boimler’s desire. “One moment while I…”
“And I want my own handpicked Bridge crew too,” Boimler added. “The very best of the best! Wait, I got a better idea! I’d like Tendi, Rutherford and Mariner to get promoted so we can all continue serving together. What better way to use a wish than to have my friends’ deepest desires come true too!”
“That…might be a little difficult,” Olusi paused. “I have recently encountered two of the corporeal lifeforms you mentioned. Their desires are somewhat…different than you may think…”
“Tendi would be Chief Medical Officer, Rutherford would be Chief Engineer,” Boimler went on with a smile. “And Mariner…hmmm, actually, Mariner would be perfectly happy to remain an ensign. An ensign serving aboard my ship! I’d finally be able to order her around! Ha, ha, ha!”
“Very well,” Olusi said. “Your wish is my…”
“Then again, Mariner probably wouldn’t acknowledge my authority or even listen to a word I said,” Boimler thought for a moment. “She barely bothers to respect and obey Captain Freeman. Maybe I don’t want to have Mariner serve aboard my ship. Granted, she’s a questionably good friend, but still…”
“Okay,” Olusi attempted again. “Your latest desire and concerns are noted. I will now grant your…”
“But I still want Mariner along in some fashion,” Boimler went on. “Maybe have her command and pilot her own support vessel or something. That way we can work together without her being an official member of my crew. Yeah, that’s it!”
“Fine. As you say,” Olusi tried once more. “I now reward you with…”
“And I want my friends and I to embark on all kinds of fun and amazing adventures,” Boimler continued grinning at the thought. “Exploring all the endless wonders of the universe while helping people and becoming living legends in the process and receiving all the well-earned recognition!”
“Uh huh,” Olusi noted dryly. “I will see what I can do.”
“I want to discover strange new worlds and see and experience marvels no one has ever done before!” Boimler said excitedly as he rapidly proceeded to reel off more and more desires. “While studying and cataloging every wonderful moment and phenomena down in my logs. Logs which will become priceless references for future generations of Starfleet officers! And I want to meet new species and make new friends and succeed in welcoming them in joining the Federation!”
“Excuse me, this is becoming somewhat excessive,” Olusi attempted to interrupt. “I said I would grant your deepest desire, not all of them…”
“And I want to achieve a healthy work-life balance too,” Boimler smiled completely caught up in his dreams. “I want to be a successful famous Starfleet captain known for being an explorer, scholar, diplomat and the best darn violin player in the fleet! And I want to get back together with Barbara and go on lots of amazing romantic dates and get married and have kids and have our kids achieve their deepest desires…”
“What?!” Olusi did a take. “Okay, this is a little too much! I am not sticking around with you that long! My offer to you is withdrawn! Goodbye!”
“Huh?” Boimler snapped out of his daze just as Olusi disappeared through the ceiling. “Hey! Where are you going? Come back! Come back! Nooo!” Boimler cried and began banging his head against a bulkhead. “Aaaggghhh! I blew it again! Why did I do that?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!”
Ugh, and I thought the two previous corporeal lifeforms were frustrating, Olusi thought while once more wandering around the ship. Members of Starfleet are quite perplexing. I will make one more attempt to bestow one of them with a reward. Olusi soon located a lone individual nearby and carefully approached her. “Greetings, corporeal representative of Starfleet. Do not be alarmed. I am a member of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox. You may call me Olusi.”
“Hmmm?” Mariner casually glanced over while lying on her usual bunk in the Brig. “Hey, what up?”
“What up indeed,” Olusi replied. “In response for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet, I would like to bestow upon you a priceless, well-deserved reward. Tell me, what is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Well, right now I’d really like a hot deep-dish pizza with the works and a bottle of Trakian ale,” Mariner said. “Or better yet, three.”
“You seem to have misunderstood,” Olusi attempted to clarify. “I am offering to make your deepest wish come true. What is your deepest wish, dream or desire?”
“Yeah right,” Mariner snorted. “Like I’d tell you.”
“Yes, I would like you to tell me,” Olusi said. “And I am sure you will enjoy it once you tell me too.”
“Forget it, Poofy,” Mariner waved. “I ain’t playing that game.”
“Game? Poofy?” Olusi repeated in confusion. “Your terminology’s context and intentions are unclear.”
“Look, I know your type. This ain’t my first rodeo, ya know,” Mariner sat up and gave Olusi a look. “I’ve encountered non-corporeal entities like you before. You zip around the galaxy looking for unsuspecting simple-minded suckers, entice them with promises to make their every dream come true, lure them into falling for your honey-coated too-good-to-be-true bait bit and then, bam! Eat ‘em up and twist their dreams into becoming everlasting nightmares!”
“What?” Olusi was stunned. “That is not my intention at all. You are clearly mistaken.”
“Oh, I ain’t the mistaken one around here,” Mariner stated. “You really think you can simply waltz in and magically convince me to make some kind of undoubtebly Faustian bargain based on your word alone? I ain’t that gullible, Poofy!”
“I am not attempting to deceive you,” Olusi insisted. “I simply wish to reward you for all the righteous, virtuous and meritorious actions conducted by Starfleet.”
“Suuuuuure you do,” Mariner drawled sarcastically. “And I got some lovely beachfront property to sell ya on Andor.”
“Why are you so skeptical?” Olusi attempted to understand Mariner’s behavior. “I have done nothing to suggest my motives are deceitful. Is it really that difficult to accept that my offer is based on pure altruism?”
“Well, duh,” Mariner scoffed. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch in this universe, Poofy. Plus, I’m a pretty cynical individual anyway. Comes from experience.”
“But I can give you anything you want,” Olusi offered. “I can easily adjust the space-time continuum, create benign pocket dimensions and even alter the fabric of reality itself. I can make it so that you can have anything you wish.”
“Nice try, but I’m good,” Mariner waved. “You really outta work on your sales pitch. Try enticing your marks with a bit more jazz like the scams used by a telepathic bioplasmic organism or a conscious-consuming matrix-dwelling lifeform. Heck, even Landru and happy-making pod plants give better spiels than you do.”
“As you wish,” Olusi replied acting on Mariner’s suggestion. “Ah, upon performing a brief telepathic probe I perceive that you have several deep desires which I could easily fulfill.”
“What?!” Mariner yelped shooting up from her bunk. “Hey, that’s not cool! Get out of my head!”
“How about I alter reality so that you have complete independence from all the limiting rules and regulations you deem to be unnecessary?” Olusi suggested. “And make it so that your resulting behaviors are not only accepted, but commended.”
“Gaaahhh! No! Shut up!” Mariner yelled covering her ears. “I’m not listening! I’m not listening! La, la, la, la, la!”
“You will have everything you have ever truly desired,” Olusi went on. “Your mother’s praise, your father’s support, the admiration and adoration of your friends. I can even create a minor temporal inversion so that one of the close lifeforms you have lost is still alive. Such as the one known as Sito Jaxa…”
“Arrrggghhh! That’s just sick! You’ve gone too far now, Poofy!” Mariner shouted glaring at Olusi. “Fine! You wanna know what I want? I’ll tell ya what I want! And you’re gonna give it to me immediately! Capeesh?”
“Of course,” Olusi agreed. “As you wish.”
“Good,” Mariner braced herself. “What I want is…the ability to beat the ever-loving stuffing out of your sorry, non-corporeal butt!”
“Done,” Olusi said instantly fulfilling Mariner’s desire. “Wait…what?”
“Ha! Got ya now, sucker!” Mariner grinned raising her fists and lunging at Olusi. “You like messing with lowly corporeal lifeforms, huh? How about when a lowly corporeal lifeform messes with you?”
“OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!” Olusi cried reeling under Mariner’s assault. “AAAHHHHHH! SO THIS IS WHAT PAIN FEELS LIKE! IT IS EVEN WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED! AAACCCKKK! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?! GAAAHHHHHH!”
“Don’t know! Don’t care!” Mariner cackled while continuing to wail on Olusi. “But I’m sure the heck enjoying it!”
“WAAAUUUGGGHHH!” Olusi screamed and quickly fled the Brig in terror. “THAT IS IT! I AM OUT OF HERE! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Serves ya right, ya sneaky glowing blob of cotton candy!” Mariner crowed and did a victory dance. “Why don’t you go and try tempting some bored Cardassians or something next time? Hey, I get to keep these cool non-corporeal entity beatdown powers, right? Hello?”
Gaaahhhhhh! These corporeal lifeforms are crazy! Olusi cried departing the Cerritos and speeding away as fast as non-corporeally possible. The other members of the Ovlabgiam Orthodox were right! I am never going to interact with primitive corporeal lifeforms again! Especially ones who are members of the mad organization known as Starfleet! Their reputation certainly is legendary alright! They are all completely and legendarily insane!
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
