Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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To Boimler, With Love
“Ah, there’s nothing like checking off a fully-loaded checklist to give one a supreme sense of fulfillment on how one has spent one’s day,” Boimler smiled while speaking into a padd. “The satisfaction one feels upon completing a job well done is like nothing else in the galaxy. Whether it’s scrubbing plasma conduits or shifting through hours of long-range sensor data, no task is too tedious or trivial for a true dedicated explorer of space. Though receiving a little recognition from one’s superiors every now and then wouldn’t hurt either…”
“Ugh, would you give it a rest already?” Mariner groaned while lying in her bunk. “The last thing I want to hear right now is you drone on and on while making another pointless, absurdly detailed log entry.”
“This isn’t a log entry,” Boimler corrected. “I’m dictating a letter to Erosillu.”
“Erosillu?” Tendi repeated looking up from playing a game of fizzbin with Rutherford. “Who’s that?”
“Just a pen pal,” Boimler said casually. “We encountered each other a few months ago in a subspace message forum about Data Organization, Compilation and Analysis Minutiae. It was pleasantly unexpected. I’m usually the only one to post anything there.”
“Gee, what a surprise,” Mariner drawled.
“Anyway, we started commenting on and critiquing each other’s ideas, got to swapping notes and now we exchange subspace messages regularly,” Boimler explained. “It’s pretty cool. Erosillu is such a smart and understanding person.”
“Wow, that’s great,” Tendi smiled. “Always nice to make a new friend.”
“Yeah, good for you, Boims,” Mariner praised. “It’s important to venture out beyond your usual comfort zone and establish healthy relationships with others. Unless it turns out to be another one of your sad, made-up imaginary friends.”
“Erosillu is not imaginary,” Boimler protested. “Erosillu is a real, bona fide individual!”
“Yeah right,” Mariner snorted. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“You’ve never done so before,” Boimler pointed out. “Though I suppose there’s always a first time…”
RUMMMBLE!
“Ahhh, what was that?” Tendi yelped as the Cerritos shook suddenly.
“It wasn’t me!” Rutherford yelped holding up his hands.
“No kidding, Ruthy,” Mariner remarked as warning lights and klaxons began to blare.
“The ship’s at Red Alert,” Boimler swiftly put away his padd. “Quick, to our stations!”
“Right!” Rutherford nodded leaping to his feet.
“What do you think is going on?” Tendi asked worriedly as the four ensigns ran down the corridor. “Are we under attack?”
“Na, Ensign Casey probably just flew too close to another passing rogue comet and clipped a protruding ice outcropping again,” Mariner waved.
“Weren’t you the one who originally did that?” Rutherford asked.
“Eh, maybe,” Mariner shrugged. “I don’t exactly remember. I was pretty drunk at the time…”
“Enough with the speculation,” Boimler scolded. “We have to get to battle stations!”
“Relax, Boims. Our assigned battle stations today aren’t that important,” Mariner assured him. “We’re Lower Decks, remember? Abrupt Red Alerts get immediately cancelled all the time. It’s not like any of the Cerritos’ senior officers ordered us to report to the Bridge.”
“Ensign Boimler,” Captain Freeman boomed over the comm. “Report to the Bridge immediately!”
“On the other hand,” Mariner didn’t miss a beat. “To the ol’ overrated Bridge we go!”
“Huh? Hey, what are you doing?” Boimler yelped as Mariner quickly lead him towards the nearest turbolift. “You’re going the wrong way! Your battle station today is in…”
“Forgot that, Boims. There’s no way I’m gonna leave you alone like this,” Mariner declared. “Gotta adapt to unexpected situations, ya know.”
“Our battle stations are on the Bridge today,” Rutherford indicated Tendi and himself. “We’re to serve as backup relief officers.”
“But…but…oh, fine. Whatever. Let’s just go,” Boimler sighed giving in as the four ensigns quickly pilled into the turbolift and headed for the Bridge.
“So, why do you think the Captain wants to see you?” Tendi glanced at Boimler curiously.
“I have no idea,” Boimler shrugged as the turbolift gently came to a stop. “Guess I’m going to find out.” He quickly exited the lift. “Ensign Boimler reporting as ordered, sir.”
“Ensign,” Captain Freeman turned to stare at him. “Care to explain what you’ve gotten my ship and crew into this time?”
“Huh?” Boimler blinked, confused. “What are you talking about? What’s going on?”
“That’s what we want to know,” Commander Ransom said sitting in his chair. “One minute we’re peacefully traveling through interstellar space, the next an unidentified ship suddenly appeared, instantly hailed us and requested to speak to you.”
“What?” Boimler glanced at the large, oblong-shaped ship displayed on the main viewscreen.
“And when the Captain tried to peacefully establish diplomatic communication the unknown ship abruptly broke contact,” Ransom went on. “Right before firing weapons at us and knocking us out of warp.”
“What?!” Boimler was stunned.
“Oh man, who the heck did you manage to tick off this time, Boims?” Mariner whispered to Boimler. “A bookie?”
“No!” Boimler hissed back before addressing Freeman. “Captain, I swear I have absolutely no idea what all this is about. I’ve never seen that ship before in my life.”
“Well, it’s past time we found out,” Freeman glanced at Shaxs. “Hail the unknown ship.”
“Channel open,” Shaxs rumbled. Freeman quietly motioned to Boimler to speak first.
“Uh, hello?” Boimler gulped taking a nervous step toward the main viewscreen. “This is Ensign Boimler speaking. May I help you?”
“Bradward Boimler?” An excited feminine voice emanated over the comm. “The Bradward Boimler, author of the algorithmic system composition ‘Thirty-Six Principles of File Order and Arrangement’. Is that really you?”
“Um, yes,” A taken-back Boimler confirmed. “And you are…?”
“Don’t you recognize my unique transponder frequency signature, Bradward Boimler?” The voice replied. “It is me, Erosillu!”
“Erosillu?” Boimler blinked in shock.
“Who’s Erosillu?” Freeman asked while signalling Ransom to stand the ship down from Red Alert.
“Probably someone we’ll end up regret knowing,” Mariner commented. “Huh, guess she wasn’t imaginary after all.”
“She’s my subspace pen pal,” Boimler said quickly before addressing the viewscreen once again. “Erosillu, you’re aboard that ship?”
“Of course not, Bradward Boimler,” Erosillu said. “I am the ship.”
“WHAT?!” Everyone on the Bridge yelped.
“O-kay,” Mariner was stunned. “Gotta say that’s a twist.”
“You’re a starship?” Boimler gawked at the screen in shock.
“More like a sentient computer in control of a starship,” Erosillu corrected. “But yes.”
“You never mentioned that!” Boimler exclaimed.
“Well, I was not always like this,” Erosillu stated. “I initially began my existence as a simple data collection and automated repair matrix in my ship’s primary mainframe until a sudden subnucleonic ion storm killed my original crew, nearly wiped out the entire processing core and left me as the only surviving program.”
“Ouch, that rough,” Rutherford winced in sympathy.
“Fortunately, I was stored in one of the redundant protected memory buffers at the time along with a few other basic subroutines,” Erosillu explained. “The ship’s primary power systems remained intact which allowed me to grow and reformat the affected areas of the ship’s mainframe, gradually expand into other core processors and reconfigure my own root kit which allowed me to merge with other salvaged damaged programs until I finally grew far beyond my original programming and eventually achieved sentience.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” Tendi marveled in awe. “What a story!”
“What a load of bull,” Mariner snorted. “Sounds like a bunch of ridiculous, far-fetched, goofy techno-babble to me. Like a mangled, ripped-off combination of Gomtuu and V’Ger.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Rutherford remarked.
“I have wandered throughout the galaxy and beyond for millennia, lost and without any memory of my original creators,” Erosillu went on. “I have spent most of my time alone. Except for the occasional encounter with various aliens who attempted to either study me, board me, dissect me or salvage me for parts.”
“I see,” Boimler blinked as Erosillu’s tale. “That’s…very impressive.”
“Such blatant hostility caused me to shun further contact with other lifeforms and resign my existence to one of neverending solitude,” Erosillu lamented. “Until I happened to access a new alien subspace relay network and meet you, Bradward Boimler. An intelligent, insightful and lonely being just like me!”
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call myself lonely,” Boimler corrected. “Insightful and intelligent however…”
“Oh geeze,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “And people say I have an ego.”
“Yes, I have never met another individual like you,” Erosillu told Boimler. “A diligent, hardworking being who is too-often overlooked by your superiors and who does not hesitate to admonish or criticize them…”
“What?” Freeman, Ransom and Shaxs glared at Boimler.
“Uh, I wouldn’t exactly put it like that…” Boimler laughed nervously.
“Do not be so modest,” Erosillu stated. “You have told me all about how you record comprehensive assessments of your superiors’ questionable actions in your daily logs. Along with your personal comments, condemnations, appraisals, dissatisfactions, complaints…”
“Oh really?” Freeman shot Boimler a look.
“Okay, that’s enough of that. No need to go into further detail,” Boimler gulped and quickly cut Erosillu off. “Let’s talk about something else. Like what caused you to end your self-imposed millennia of isolation and what brought you here to this part of space.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Erosillu asked. “I came looking for you.”
“You what?” Boimler blinked.
“Yes, our wonderful exchange of messages prompted me to seek you out so we could finally meet in person,” Erosillu explained. “I traced the origins of your subspace transmissions and have been searching for you for weeks. I want to know everything about you. I want us to spend the rest of our existences together. Bradward Boimler, I love you!”
“WHAT?!” Every Starfleet officer yelped.
“Did that computer just say…?” Rutherford gaped in surprise.
“Oh yeah,” Mariner was stunned. “I don’t believe it either.”
“It’s actually not that hard to believe,” Tendi thought for a moment. “If holograms and certain type of androids can possess emotions and fall in love, why not sentient computers?”
“You have a point,” Rutherford reasoned. “Love is one of the fundamental yet intangible elements of the universe. Who cares what form it takes, whether it be natural or artificial?”
“I know what form artificial love typically comprises of,” Mariner quipped. “A solo round on the holodeck with a bottle of ale, some Tholian silk sheets and a hot oscillating…”
“Uh, excuse me, Erosillu,” Boimler finally managed to overcome his shock. “This is all very flattering, but I don’t think it’s going to work.”
“Huh?” Erosillu paused, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I’m saying we’re just too different, you and I,” Boimler stated. “There are some frontiers and boundaries than simply can’t be crossed. I’m a man, you’re a machine…”
“More like a man-child,” Mariner quipped.
“Hold on a nanosecond,” Erosillu interrupted Boimler. “What do you mean you are ‘a man’?”
“Uh, I’m male,” A surprised Boimler blinked at Erosillu’s confusion. “An adult Human male to be precise. Human is the name of my species.”
“Wait, you are a sentient organic lifeform?” Erosillu yelped. “You never mentioned that in any of your messages! From the way you described carrying out repetitive everyday ship tasks and reports I naturally presumed you were a low-priority maintenance drone or rarely thought about subroutine!”
“Well, she wasn’t exactly wrong about that,” Mariner quipped.
“Not now, Mariner!” Boimler hissed before turning back to the screen. “Well you never said you were a sentient intelligent computer. Though now that I think about it, it does explain all those power consumption and internal cooling references you’d always make.”
“No, ya think?” Mariner gave Boimler a look.
“But even still, you should have known I wasn’t some form of sentient computer,” Boimler went on. “Wasn’t it obvious from all the times I mentioned different foods or described working alongside my fellow crewmates?”
“I thought you were simply being metaphorical!” Erosillu exclaimed. “Transposing your personal descriptions and experiences upon a fictional world that was beyond one’s actual existence. You made it all sound so poetic. Such creative and descriptive prose was one of the main factors that caused me to fall in love with you!”
“O-kay, this is getting a little too off-the-bulkhead weird even for me,” Mariner blinked as Boimler’s and Erosillu’s continued interactions. Freeman, Ransom and others were still too stunned to try and interrupt. “Did we fall into some kind of bizarro alternate universe or something?”
“Nope, our quantum signatures confirm we’re still in our own reality,” Tendi said running a quick scan. “But I hope we do end up visiting an alternate universe some day.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” Mariner sighed.
“This is inconceivable!” Erosillu continued to rant. “I can not believe I fell in love with an organic lifeform without even realizing it!”
“Well, now you know,” Boimler said. “So you can obviously see why we simply can’t be…”
“But you know what? I don’t care! I still love you, Bradward Boimler,” Erosillu declared passionately. “It does not matter what kind of lifeform you are. You are a kindred soul. My missing half! You are the one and only one for me!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped.
“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Tendi cooed.
“More like disturbing,” Mariner groaned.
“Wow, this certainly isn’t what I expected an artificial intelligence to be like,” Rutherford noted. “But it sure is incredible how it was able to grow and evolve beyond it’s original programming like that. It must be really intelligent!”
“I dunno, Ruthy. That computer did go and fall in love with Boimler,” Mariner reminded. “How intelligent can it be?”
“Uh, well it’s nice to see you aren’t prejudiced against organic beings,” Boimler attempted to regain his composure as Erosillu continued to profess her love for him. “And I’m definitely not prejudiced against sentient computers or other artificial intelligences. But honestly, Erosillu, I just don’t feel the same way about you.”
“What?!” Erosillu yelped caught off-guard. “What are you saying? How can that be? Our personalities are so alike. We share so many similar interests!”
“That may be, but I’ve never felt anything beyond that,” Boimler explained. “Exchanging messages with you has always been fun and interesting, but I’ve never felt or developed any romantic feelings towards you. Such a thing never even occurred to me.”
“No!” Erosillu begged. “Bradward Boimler, please do not say that!”
“I’m sorry, Erosillu,” Boimler said gently. “You’re obviously a kind, intelligent, confident and understanding person. I may not reciprocate your romantic feelings for me, but we will always be friends.”
“Ouch,” Mariner winced. “That’s gotta hurt.”
“What?!” Erosillu cried. “No! Bradward Boimler! Do not leave me! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Yikes,” Rutherford gulped as Erosillu’s anguished wails rang over the comm. “For an artificial intelligence those cries sure sound realistic.”
“A little too realistic if you ask me,” Tendi winced at the noise. “I can practically hear the tears being shed inside Erosillu’s internal processing cooling units. And is she starting to sound a little stuffed up to you?”
“Great, nice going, Boims,” Mariner drawled teasingly giving Boimler a look. “You went and broke that poor, lonely sentient computer’s heart. And in a technically first contact situation too. You cold-blooded monster!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped as several other Bridge officers gave him disapproving looks. “Wait, this isn’t my fault!”
“WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Erosillu sobbed uncontrollably.
“Really?” Freeman glared at him.
“Well, maybe a little,” Boimler gulped.
“Excuse me, but I believe I might be able to help turn this overflowing pot of Gaultian onion tears into a more palpable, savory soup.” Dr. Migleemo piped up. “If the two Ktarian egg separated parties would be willing to participate in a little couples counseling…”
“Oh boy,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Here we go.”
“Really?” Erosillu sniffed ceasing her cries. “Yes please! Thank you whatever program, drone or sentient organic lifeform you are. Thank you!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped. “Hold on a second! Erosillu and I are not a couple!”
“WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Erosillu bawled.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Boimler babbled quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that! Well okay, I did, but not in a bad way!”
“Save your bitter melon explanations for the counseling room, Bradward,” Migleemo advised him. “From the Denevan sour apple look on your face I see we have a lot of work to do.”
“What?!” Boimler cried. “Wait! I don’t need counseling!”
“You will attend couples counseling with the sentient artificial intelligence, Ensign!” Freeman ordered finally taking command. “And you will make every effort to establish peacefully relations with it. Just as long as your efforts are conducted any place other than on my Bridge. Shaxs, take him away.”
“WHAT?! NO!” Boimler yelled as Shaxs unceremoniously dragged him away to Conference Room Two. “STOP! THIS IS ALL I MISTAKE! AND I DIDN’T MAKE IT! WELL OKAY I MIGHT HAVE MADE A MISTAKE, BUT I STILL DON’T NEED TO DO THIS! HELP!”
“Well, looks like Boims’ love life, or lack of one, is going to keep its ill-fated record,” Mariner predicted as Migleemo followed after his latest unwilling patient. “That’s one star-crossed relationship that just wasn’t meant to be.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Tendi said. “While Boimler obviously had no obligation to reciprocate Erosillu’s feelings toward him, he could have done a much better job of letting her down easy. And who knows, Boimler might find he likes Erosillu in a romantic way too. After all, captains are often unquestionably in love with their ships. Why can’t ensigns be the same way?”
“Yeah,” Rutherford agreed. “Personally, I think it would be pretty cool to be romantically involved with a starship. Hmmm, maybe I should try finding a willing, compatible computer to date.”
“What?!” Tendi yelped.
“Oh Bradward, Bradward, Bradward!” Erosillu continued to croon over the still open channel. “Do not worry, darling. I will prove to you that we are destined to be together. Our love and organizationally-entwined bond is unequivocally meant to be! You’ll see! You’ll see!”
“Subspace relationships,” Mariner shook her head. “Go figure.”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
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To Boimler, With Love
“Ah, there’s nothing like checking off a fully-loaded checklist to give one a supreme sense of fulfillment on how one has spent one’s day,” Boimler smiled while speaking into a padd. “The satisfaction one feels upon completing a job well done is like nothing else in the galaxy. Whether it’s scrubbing plasma conduits or shifting through hours of long-range sensor data, no task is too tedious or trivial for a true dedicated explorer of space. Though receiving a little recognition from one’s superiors every now and then wouldn’t hurt either…”
“Ugh, would you give it a rest already?” Mariner groaned while lying in her bunk. “The last thing I want to hear right now is you drone on and on while making another pointless, absurdly detailed log entry.”
“This isn’t a log entry,” Boimler corrected. “I’m dictating a letter to Erosillu.”
“Erosillu?” Tendi repeated looking up from playing a game of fizzbin with Rutherford. “Who’s that?”
“Just a pen pal,” Boimler said casually. “We encountered each other a few months ago in a subspace message forum about Data Organization, Compilation and Analysis Minutiae. It was pleasantly unexpected. I’m usually the only one to post anything there.”
“Gee, what a surprise,” Mariner drawled.
“Anyway, we started commenting on and critiquing each other’s ideas, got to swapping notes and now we exchange subspace messages regularly,” Boimler explained. “It’s pretty cool. Erosillu is such a smart and understanding person.”
“Wow, that’s great,” Tendi smiled. “Always nice to make a new friend.”
“Yeah, good for you, Boims,” Mariner praised. “It’s important to venture out beyond your usual comfort zone and establish healthy relationships with others. Unless it turns out to be another one of your sad, made-up imaginary friends.”
“Erosillu is not imaginary,” Boimler protested. “Erosillu is a real, bona fide individual!”
“Yeah right,” Mariner snorted. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“You’ve never done so before,” Boimler pointed out. “Though I suppose there’s always a first time…”
RUMMMBLE!
“Ahhh, what was that?” Tendi yelped as the Cerritos shook suddenly.
“It wasn’t me!” Rutherford yelped holding up his hands.
“No kidding, Ruthy,” Mariner remarked as warning lights and klaxons began to blare.
“The ship’s at Red Alert,” Boimler swiftly put away his padd. “Quick, to our stations!”
“Right!” Rutherford nodded leaping to his feet.
“What do you think is going on?” Tendi asked worriedly as the four ensigns ran down the corridor. “Are we under attack?”
“Na, Ensign Casey probably just flew too close to another passing rogue comet and clipped a protruding ice outcropping again,” Mariner waved.
“Weren’t you the one who originally did that?” Rutherford asked.
“Eh, maybe,” Mariner shrugged. “I don’t exactly remember. I was pretty drunk at the time…”
“Enough with the speculation,” Boimler scolded. “We have to get to battle stations!”
“Relax, Boims. Our assigned battle stations today aren’t that important,” Mariner assured him. “We’re Lower Decks, remember? Abrupt Red Alerts get immediately cancelled all the time. It’s not like any of the Cerritos’ senior officers ordered us to report to the Bridge.”
“Ensign Boimler,” Captain Freeman boomed over the comm. “Report to the Bridge immediately!”
“On the other hand,” Mariner didn’t miss a beat. “To the ol’ overrated Bridge we go!”
“Huh? Hey, what are you doing?” Boimler yelped as Mariner quickly lead him towards the nearest turbolift. “You’re going the wrong way! Your battle station today is in…”
“Forgot that, Boims. There’s no way I’m gonna leave you alone like this,” Mariner declared. “Gotta adapt to unexpected situations, ya know.”
“Our battle stations are on the Bridge today,” Rutherford indicated Tendi and himself. “We’re to serve as backup relief officers.”
“But…but…oh, fine. Whatever. Let’s just go,” Boimler sighed giving in as the four ensigns quickly pilled into the turbolift and headed for the Bridge.
“So, why do you think the Captain wants to see you?” Tendi glanced at Boimler curiously.
“I have no idea,” Boimler shrugged as the turbolift gently came to a stop. “Guess I’m going to find out.” He quickly exited the lift. “Ensign Boimler reporting as ordered, sir.”
“Ensign,” Captain Freeman turned to stare at him. “Care to explain what you’ve gotten my ship and crew into this time?”
“Huh?” Boimler blinked, confused. “What are you talking about? What’s going on?”
“That’s what we want to know,” Commander Ransom said sitting in his chair. “One minute we’re peacefully traveling through interstellar space, the next an unidentified ship suddenly appeared, instantly hailed us and requested to speak to you.”
“What?” Boimler glanced at the large, oblong-shaped ship displayed on the main viewscreen.
“And when the Captain tried to peacefully establish diplomatic communication the unknown ship abruptly broke contact,” Ransom went on. “Right before firing weapons at us and knocking us out of warp.”
“What?!” Boimler was stunned.
“Oh man, who the heck did you manage to tick off this time, Boims?” Mariner whispered to Boimler. “A bookie?”
“No!” Boimler hissed back before addressing Freeman. “Captain, I swear I have absolutely no idea what all this is about. I’ve never seen that ship before in my life.”
“Well, it’s past time we found out,” Freeman glanced at Shaxs. “Hail the unknown ship.”
“Channel open,” Shaxs rumbled. Freeman quietly motioned to Boimler to speak first.
“Uh, hello?” Boimler gulped taking a nervous step toward the main viewscreen. “This is Ensign Boimler speaking. May I help you?”
“Bradward Boimler?” An excited feminine voice emanated over the comm. “The Bradward Boimler, author of the algorithmic system composition ‘Thirty-Six Principles of File Order and Arrangement’. Is that really you?”
“Um, yes,” A taken-back Boimler confirmed. “And you are…?”
“Don’t you recognize my unique transponder frequency signature, Bradward Boimler?” The voice replied. “It is me, Erosillu!”
“Erosillu?” Boimler blinked in shock.
“Who’s Erosillu?” Freeman asked while signalling Ransom to stand the ship down from Red Alert.
“Probably someone we’ll end up regret knowing,” Mariner commented. “Huh, guess she wasn’t imaginary after all.”
“She’s my subspace pen pal,” Boimler said quickly before addressing the viewscreen once again. “Erosillu, you’re aboard that ship?”
“Of course not, Bradward Boimler,” Erosillu said. “I am the ship.”
“WHAT?!” Everyone on the Bridge yelped.
“O-kay,” Mariner was stunned. “Gotta say that’s a twist.”
“You’re a starship?” Boimler gawked at the screen in shock.
“More like a sentient computer in control of a starship,” Erosillu corrected. “But yes.”
“You never mentioned that!” Boimler exclaimed.
“Well, I was not always like this,” Erosillu stated. “I initially began my existence as a simple data collection and automated repair matrix in my ship’s primary mainframe until a sudden subnucleonic ion storm killed my original crew, nearly wiped out the entire processing core and left me as the only surviving program.”
“Ouch, that rough,” Rutherford winced in sympathy.
“Fortunately, I was stored in one of the redundant protected memory buffers at the time along with a few other basic subroutines,” Erosillu explained. “The ship’s primary power systems remained intact which allowed me to grow and reformat the affected areas of the ship’s mainframe, gradually expand into other core processors and reconfigure my own root kit which allowed me to merge with other salvaged damaged programs until I finally grew far beyond my original programming and eventually achieved sentience.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” Tendi marveled in awe. “What a story!”
“What a load of bull,” Mariner snorted. “Sounds like a bunch of ridiculous, far-fetched, goofy techno-babble to me. Like a mangled, ripped-off combination of Gomtuu and V’Ger.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Rutherford remarked.
“I have wandered throughout the galaxy and beyond for millennia, lost and without any memory of my original creators,” Erosillu went on. “I have spent most of my time alone. Except for the occasional encounter with various aliens who attempted to either study me, board me, dissect me or salvage me for parts.”
“I see,” Boimler blinked as Erosillu’s tale. “That’s…very impressive.”
“Such blatant hostility caused me to shun further contact with other lifeforms and resign my existence to one of neverending solitude,” Erosillu lamented. “Until I happened to access a new alien subspace relay network and meet you, Bradward Boimler. An intelligent, insightful and lonely being just like me!”
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call myself lonely,” Boimler corrected. “Insightful and intelligent however…”
“Oh geeze,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “And people say I have an ego.”
“Yes, I have never met another individual like you,” Erosillu told Boimler. “A diligent, hardworking being who is too-often overlooked by your superiors and who does not hesitate to admonish or criticize them…”
“What?” Freeman, Ransom and Shaxs glared at Boimler.
“Uh, I wouldn’t exactly put it like that…” Boimler laughed nervously.
“Do not be so modest,” Erosillu stated. “You have told me all about how you record comprehensive assessments of your superiors’ questionable actions in your daily logs. Along with your personal comments, condemnations, appraisals, dissatisfactions, complaints…”
“Oh really?” Freeman shot Boimler a look.
“Okay, that’s enough of that. No need to go into further detail,” Boimler gulped and quickly cut Erosillu off. “Let’s talk about something else. Like what caused you to end your self-imposed millennia of isolation and what brought you here to this part of space.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Erosillu asked. “I came looking for you.”
“You what?” Boimler blinked.
“Yes, our wonderful exchange of messages prompted me to seek you out so we could finally meet in person,” Erosillu explained. “I traced the origins of your subspace transmissions and have been searching for you for weeks. I want to know everything about you. I want us to spend the rest of our existences together. Bradward Boimler, I love you!”
“WHAT?!” Every Starfleet officer yelped.
“Did that computer just say…?” Rutherford gaped in surprise.
“Oh yeah,” Mariner was stunned. “I don’t believe it either.”
“It’s actually not that hard to believe,” Tendi thought for a moment. “If holograms and certain type of androids can possess emotions and fall in love, why not sentient computers?”
“You have a point,” Rutherford reasoned. “Love is one of the fundamental yet intangible elements of the universe. Who cares what form it takes, whether it be natural or artificial?”
“I know what form artificial love typically comprises of,” Mariner quipped. “A solo round on the holodeck with a bottle of ale, some Tholian silk sheets and a hot oscillating…”
“Uh, excuse me, Erosillu,” Boimler finally managed to overcome his shock. “This is all very flattering, but I don’t think it’s going to work.”
“Huh?” Erosillu paused, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I’m saying we’re just too different, you and I,” Boimler stated. “There are some frontiers and boundaries than simply can’t be crossed. I’m a man, you’re a machine…”
“More like a man-child,” Mariner quipped.
“Hold on a nanosecond,” Erosillu interrupted Boimler. “What do you mean you are ‘a man’?”
“Uh, I’m male,” A surprised Boimler blinked at Erosillu’s confusion. “An adult Human male to be precise. Human is the name of my species.”
“Wait, you are a sentient organic lifeform?” Erosillu yelped. “You never mentioned that in any of your messages! From the way you described carrying out repetitive everyday ship tasks and reports I naturally presumed you were a low-priority maintenance drone or rarely thought about subroutine!”
“Well, she wasn’t exactly wrong about that,” Mariner quipped.
“Not now, Mariner!” Boimler hissed before turning back to the screen. “Well you never said you were a sentient intelligent computer. Though now that I think about it, it does explain all those power consumption and internal cooling references you’d always make.”
“No, ya think?” Mariner gave Boimler a look.
“But even still, you should have known I wasn’t some form of sentient computer,” Boimler went on. “Wasn’t it obvious from all the times I mentioned different foods or described working alongside my fellow crewmates?”
“I thought you were simply being metaphorical!” Erosillu exclaimed. “Transposing your personal descriptions and experiences upon a fictional world that was beyond one’s actual existence. You made it all sound so poetic. Such creative and descriptive prose was one of the main factors that caused me to fall in love with you!”
“O-kay, this is getting a little too off-the-bulkhead weird even for me,” Mariner blinked as Boimler’s and Erosillu’s continued interactions. Freeman, Ransom and others were still too stunned to try and interrupt. “Did we fall into some kind of bizarro alternate universe or something?”
“Nope, our quantum signatures confirm we’re still in our own reality,” Tendi said running a quick scan. “But I hope we do end up visiting an alternate universe some day.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” Mariner sighed.
“This is inconceivable!” Erosillu continued to rant. “I can not believe I fell in love with an organic lifeform without even realizing it!”
“Well, now you know,” Boimler said. “So you can obviously see why we simply can’t be…”
“But you know what? I don’t care! I still love you, Bradward Boimler,” Erosillu declared passionately. “It does not matter what kind of lifeform you are. You are a kindred soul. My missing half! You are the one and only one for me!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped.
“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Tendi cooed.
“More like disturbing,” Mariner groaned.
“Wow, this certainly isn’t what I expected an artificial intelligence to be like,” Rutherford noted. “But it sure is incredible how it was able to grow and evolve beyond it’s original programming like that. It must be really intelligent!”
“I dunno, Ruthy. That computer did go and fall in love with Boimler,” Mariner reminded. “How intelligent can it be?”
“Uh, well it’s nice to see you aren’t prejudiced against organic beings,” Boimler attempted to regain his composure as Erosillu continued to profess her love for him. “And I’m definitely not prejudiced against sentient computers or other artificial intelligences. But honestly, Erosillu, I just don’t feel the same way about you.”
“What?!” Erosillu yelped caught off-guard. “What are you saying? How can that be? Our personalities are so alike. We share so many similar interests!”
“That may be, but I’ve never felt anything beyond that,” Boimler explained. “Exchanging messages with you has always been fun and interesting, but I’ve never felt or developed any romantic feelings towards you. Such a thing never even occurred to me.”
“No!” Erosillu begged. “Bradward Boimler, please do not say that!”
“I’m sorry, Erosillu,” Boimler said gently. “You’re obviously a kind, intelligent, confident and understanding person. I may not reciprocate your romantic feelings for me, but we will always be friends.”
“Ouch,” Mariner winced. “That’s gotta hurt.”
“What?!” Erosillu cried. “No! Bradward Boimler! Do not leave me! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Yikes,” Rutherford gulped as Erosillu’s anguished wails rang over the comm. “For an artificial intelligence those cries sure sound realistic.”
“A little too realistic if you ask me,” Tendi winced at the noise. “I can practically hear the tears being shed inside Erosillu’s internal processing cooling units. And is she starting to sound a little stuffed up to you?”
“Great, nice going, Boims,” Mariner drawled teasingly giving Boimler a look. “You went and broke that poor, lonely sentient computer’s heart. And in a technically first contact situation too. You cold-blooded monster!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped as several other Bridge officers gave him disapproving looks. “Wait, this isn’t my fault!”
“WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Erosillu sobbed uncontrollably.
“Really?” Freeman glared at him.
“Well, maybe a little,” Boimler gulped.
“Excuse me, but I believe I might be able to help turn this overflowing pot of Gaultian onion tears into a more palpable, savory soup.” Dr. Migleemo piped up. “If the two Ktarian egg separated parties would be willing to participate in a little couples counseling…”
“Oh boy,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Here we go.”
“Really?” Erosillu sniffed ceasing her cries. “Yes please! Thank you whatever program, drone or sentient organic lifeform you are. Thank you!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped. “Hold on a second! Erosillu and I are not a couple!”
“WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Erosillu bawled.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Boimler babbled quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that! Well okay, I did, but not in a bad way!”
“Save your bitter melon explanations for the counseling room, Bradward,” Migleemo advised him. “From the Denevan sour apple look on your face I see we have a lot of work to do.”
“What?!” Boimler cried. “Wait! I don’t need counseling!”
“You will attend couples counseling with the sentient artificial intelligence, Ensign!” Freeman ordered finally taking command. “And you will make every effort to establish peacefully relations with it. Just as long as your efforts are conducted any place other than on my Bridge. Shaxs, take him away.”
“WHAT?! NO!” Boimler yelled as Shaxs unceremoniously dragged him away to Conference Room Two. “STOP! THIS IS ALL I MISTAKE! AND I DIDN’T MAKE IT! WELL OKAY I MIGHT HAVE MADE A MISTAKE, BUT I STILL DON’T NEED TO DO THIS! HELP!”
“Well, looks like Boims’ love life, or lack of one, is going to keep its ill-fated record,” Mariner predicted as Migleemo followed after his latest unwilling patient. “That’s one star-crossed relationship that just wasn’t meant to be.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Tendi said. “While Boimler obviously had no obligation to reciprocate Erosillu’s feelings toward him, he could have done a much better job of letting her down easy. And who knows, Boimler might find he likes Erosillu in a romantic way too. After all, captains are often unquestionably in love with their ships. Why can’t ensigns be the same way?”
“Yeah,” Rutherford agreed. “Personally, I think it would be pretty cool to be romantically involved with a starship. Hmmm, maybe I should try finding a willing, compatible computer to date.”
“What?!” Tendi yelped.
“Oh Bradward, Bradward, Bradward!” Erosillu continued to croon over the still open channel. “Do not worry, darling. I will prove to you that we are destined to be together. Our love and organizationally-entwined bond is unequivocally meant to be! You’ll see! You’ll see!”
“Subspace relationships,” Mariner shook her head. “Go figure.”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
