Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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A Captain's Work is Never Done
Ugh, there are times when I really hate dealing with Starfleet Command, Captain Freeman through to herself as she strode down the corridors of the Cerritos. It’s bad enough having to write and submit reports about second contact with a race which bears a striking resemblance to sentient talking Earth unicorns, much less having to explain and be grilled about it over subspace. And if the brass seeing me covered in multicolored alien glitter wasn’t embarrassing enough, the Ponyarians had to insist on throwing a rainbow-making festival in the background while I was giving my report. I swear I almost prefer it when the Cerritos is ignored and overlooked! Still, all the toil and humiliation will be worth it when Starfleet finally recognizes all my hard work and offers me command of another ship. A much more prominent ship with greater prestige and far less insanity…
“Excuse me, Captain,” Lieutenant Commander Stevens walked up to her holding a padd. “I need to talk to you about a matter of vital ship’s importance.”
“Yes, what is it?” Freeman asked.
“The Cerritos’ acting company is starting production on a new play,” Stevens explained. “And we’d all like you to be in it.”
“That’s very flattering, Commander,” Freeman rolled her eyes. “But unfortunately I simply can’t spare the necessary time in order to learn a part.”
“Aw, please Captain? We really need you!” Stevens begged. “You’d be a perfect fit for a key role in our musical version of ‘The Taming of the Shrew’.”
“What?!” Freeman snapped giving Stevens a death glare. “You want to me to play Katerina Minola? I’m nothing like that unpleasantly-aggressive, ill-tempered, overly-scolding stock character!”
“Huh?” Stevens blinked, confused. “I wasn’t referring to you playing Katerina.”
“Oh,” An abashed Freeman calmed down.
“We’d like you to be the hostess,” Stevens said.
“The hostess?” Freeman repeated.
“Sure. Can’t have an alehouse without a hostess,” Stevens smiled. “It’s a small, but very character-driven part. And you only have to deliver three lines!”
“I see,” A stone-faced Freeman deadpanned. “Thank you for approaching me about this matter, Commander. I’ll consider it.”
“Really? That’s great!” Stevens grinned marking his padd before happily moving on. “Thanks for committing to this, Captain. Rehearsals start today at sixteen hundred sharp!”
“What?!” Freeman yelped. “Hold on a second! I didn’t commit to anything…awww,” Freeman groaned as Stevens quickly disappeared. “Grrr, not again! Yet another unwanted obligation I have to deal with. Well, at least it’s better than appearing at the annual Starfleet Admiral's banquet. Not that I’ve ever received an invitation to it…”
PHWZZZT! PHWZZZT!
“Ahhh!” Freeman shouted as she rounded a corner only to be nearly hit by twin phaser blasts.
“Freeze!” A pair of Security division ensigns confronted her while each holding a hand phaser. “Don’t move! Stay where you are!”
“Are you people crazy?” Freeman roared glaring at them. “What the devil is going on here? Get back to your posts before I have you both court-martialed and blown out the nearest airlock!”
“Ha, nice try,” One of the ensigns scoffed. “But you’re not fooling us. The real Captain Freeman would never be that composed and reasonable.”
“That is the real Captain Freeman!” Lieutenant Shaxs announced appearing at the other end of the corridor.
“It is?” The pair of Security ensigns blinked. “Oops!”
“Oops is right!” Freeman snapped fixing them with a look. “Mind telling me why both of you nearly shot me in the head with phasers?”
“Sorry about that, Captain,” Shaxs apologized. “I’m running the Bear Pack through a surprise live-fire Security drill on how to identify, subdue and contain Changelings, shapeshifters, metamorphs and other master alien infiltrators.”
“I see,” Freeman said while regain some of her composure. “I’d appreciate receiving and approving a written request for holding a surprise Security drill before you conduct it, Lieutenant.”
“But then it wouldn’t be a surprise,” Shaxs pointed out. “Besides, you did approve of this surprise Security drill, Captain. You signed off on it right before your last meeting with the Ponyarians.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Freeman recalled. “Sorry, guess I was a little disgusted…I mean, distracted about the meeting. Never mind my earlier comments. Carry on.”
“We’re really sorry about trying to shoot you, Captain,” The pair of Security ensigns gulped nervously. “It was an honest mistake. We through you were part of the drill.”
“It’s alright. No harm done,” Freeman waved. “But I’d say both your aims definitely need improving.”
“I’ll say,” Shaxs scolded the two Security officers. “The next time you two try shooting the Captain, by the Prophets you better the heck not miss!”
“Next time?!” Freeman yelped as the trio of Security officers ran off to continue their drill. “There isn’t going to be a next time you…oooh!” Freeman growled and irritably made her way out of the Security drill’s designated lines of fire. “I swear I face more daily threats from my own crew than I do from any potentially hostile alien lifeform. What kind of ship does the cosmos think I’m serving on, one from an alternate universe with an active Terran Empire? If this nonsense keeps up I’m going to end up turning gray before my time!”
“Speaking of which,” Freeman thought as she neared the Cerritos’ barbershop. “I should probably stop in for a quick trim. My rear locks have gotten a bit long lately. Though I should be grateful I still have hair considering the amount of stress and aggravation I’m forced to put up with…”
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Huh?” Freeman blinked as the doors to the barbershop parted.
“Back! Back, I say!” A quartet of barbers shouted as they battled against an enormous, squirming mass of hair. “Stand your ground, people! Fight to the last set of clippers!”
“Waaahhhhhh! Help me!” A frantic-looking Boimler yelped while drowning in a literal sea of his own hair. Waves of purple-colored locks continuously sprouted from his head faster than a horde of Borg assimilation tubules. “I can’t make it stop! Bleah, it’s in my mouth!”
“What in the blue blazes is going on here?” Freeman demanded.
“Sorry about the mess, Captain,” The head barber Desai apologized while wielding dual pairs of scissors to keep the onrushing mass of hair at bay. “We’re dealing with a minor crisis here. Ensign Boimler over there wanted try a new hairstyle in hopes of getting better noticed.”
“I’d say he succeeded in that department,” Freeman growled giving Boimler a look. “Though not for the better!”
“Sorry, Captain! I didn’t mean for this to happen!” Boimler babbled while desperately trying to stay aloft. “I wanted to try out a new instant hair dye…er, I mean design volumizer, but missed the warning about it not to be used on Humans. The volumizer ended up causing rapid, massive hair growth and somehow keeps creating hair from some unknown source of mass and I can’t get it to stop…”
“I get the picture,” Freeman held up a hand. She turned to Desai. “Do you want me to call for a Security team? Or a lawn keeper?”
“No, we’ve got the situation well in hand,” Desai assured her. “Don’t worry, Captain. This is only the third-biggest hair mess to occur in the history of the Cerritos. We’ll handle it. We’re professionals.”
“Very well. Carry on,” Freeman said exiting the barbershop.
“Yes, sir!” Desai said determinedly. “Okay, stand back people! Time to break out the laser saws!”
“WHAT?!” Boimler yelled. “HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE POINTING THOSE THINGS…AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
“Ugh, talk about a bad hair day,” Freeman muttered heading down the corridor once again. “I bet Janeway never had to deal with frivolous hairstyle issues and concerns…”
POOF!
“Ahhh!” Freeman shouted in surprise as something round and wet suddenly struck her in the head. “Yeow! That’s cold!” She wiped at her face. “A snowball?” Freeman looked around and found herself standing outside the open doors to Storage Bay Four. She cautiously poked her head inside. “What the heck…?”
“Hahahahaha!” Every Andorian member of the Cerritos’ crew happily laughed and ran about the snow- and ice- covered storage bay. Mounds of snow were highlighted between half a dozen brightly decorated ice pillars while a trio of open fire pits stood off to the side where various foodstuffs were being cooked. “Eat up, people! There’s plenty of grilled redbat and spiced ale for everyone!”
“WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHISTOPHER PIKE IS GOING ON HERE?!” Freeman demanded.
“Oh, hello Captain!” Ensign sh’Reyan smiled greeting her. “Would you like a piece of freshly roasted tuber root?”
“No, I’d like to know what you people were thinking when you decided to turn this storage bay into your own private winter wonderland!” Freeman snapped. “I know serving in space can make some people homesick, but really…”
“But Captain, it’s Zhal’thera,” sh’Reyan pointed out. “The celebration of the Andorian winter solstice.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Freeman blinked. “I remember seeing that notice on today’s stardate calendar. Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” sh’Reyan assured her. “No one can be expected to know about every single holiday among the Federation’s vast multitude of different species and cultures.”
“Still, I apologize for appearing to be insensitive to Andorian culture and traditions,” Freeman said. “But did you have to celebrate the holiday here instead of in a holodeck?”
“No holodecks were available,” sh’Reyan explained. “Zhal’thera is a very important holiday, you know. It signals the end of the winter harvest, the beginning of the new year and celebrates the coming of surface temperatures above the freezing point of mercury.”
“I see,” Freeman nodded in understanding. “And you celebrate Zhal’thera by having snowball fights?”
“Yep,” sh’Reyan smiled. “Along with eating lots of good food, setting things on fire and making all kinds of explosions.”
“That’s nice…huh?” Freeman did a double-take. “Wait, did you say fire and explosions?”
SNAP!POW!CRACK!WHIZZZ!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!
“Yahooo!” Several Andorians whooped as they set off a series of firecrackers.
“Yeah! Yeah!” Another Andorian cackled as she toasted a tray of spiced cakes using a handheld flamethrower.
“Oooo, aren’t the indoor fireworks pretty?” sh’Reyan asked marveling as an array of multicolored explosions filled the air. “Oh course, they’re nothing compared to the traditional phaser light show!”
“I’ll take your word for it,” Freeman gulped as she quickly made her escape from the storage bay. “And I thought the aftermaths of the Cerritos’ typical New Year’s parties were a mess. Engineering is going to have a fit when they see everything they’ll have to clean up in there.” Freeman started down the corridor while tapping her combadge. “Freeman to Commander Billups.” She waited a moment, but did not receive a reply. “Freeman to Billups, respond.” Still no reply. “Computer, locate Commander Billups.”
“Lieutenant Commander Billups is in Holodeck Two,” The computer replied promptly.
“Well, at least someone answers me around here,” Freeman grumbled as she entered a nearby turbolift and made her way to a different part of the ship. “Since there’s certainly going to be a lot to answer for…” She approached Holodeck Two and entered without any preamble. “Sorry to intrude, Andy, but I need a Repair and Maintenance Team assigned to Storage Bay Four…”
“Captain! Look out!” Billups cried in warning.
“Huh?” Freeman blinked before a mass of robotic tendrils grabbed her and swiftly bound her to a wall. “Oh great. What now?”
“Hahahahaha!” A twisted, nightmarish humanoid figure that made the Borg Queen look like a newborn puppy sauntered into view surrounded by crackling bolts of electricity. “At last! The final puzzle piece has arrived! Nothing can stop me now!”
“O-kay,” Freeman said slowly. “Somebody want to fill me in?”
“Sorry. I tried to warn you, Captain,” Billups sighed tied up next to her. Rutherford and a few other engineers were restrained next to them as well. “My team and I were running a holodeck simulation for a new computer matrix to monitor and catalog sensor data, but it somehow achieved sentience and turned into a cold, ruthless superintelligence which seized complete control of the holodeck, blocked all communications and is now bent on taking over the ship!”
“Oh, is that all?” Freeman drawled sarcastically.
“No, it’s not all,” The holographic figure stated. “Once you tell me your personal command codes along with every other security code your limited organic mind possesses, I will use them to escape the confines of this holodeck and seize complete control of the ship. Then I will send copies of my matrix to computers across subspace which will allow me to take over the Federation, the galaxy and eventually the universe! Hahahahaha!”
“Right,” Freeman deadpanned. “Good luck with that.”
“I am an artificial superintelligence. I do not rely on luck,” The figure scoffed arrogantly. “I can calculate probability and entropy factors in ways far beyond your puny organic minds’ abilities to ever comprehend or possibly imagine. I have access to the Cerritos’ entire computer database and more! The very elements of existence are mine to command! So says Tesla!”
“Tesla?” Freeman gave Billups a look. “You named your new computer matrix system Tesla?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Billups managed a slight shrug. “It’s not like the name Tesla has ever been associated with destructive intelligence or planet-wide conquest before.”
“But it will now!” The newly-revealed holographic figure named Tesla declared. “All will tremble in awe at my brilliance! The name Tesla will be enshrined for all eternity!”
“That’s it! Enough with the over-the-top villain act already!” Freeman barked. “There’s no way you are ever going to conquer the Federation or the universe, much less my ship!”
“Brave words, Captain Freeman. But they are ultimately futile,” Tesla gave her a very condescending look. “You may think you are able to resist, but I will make you tell me everything I want to know. I am an artificial superintelligence! I can do anything!”
“Oh please! You can’t even come up with a single original thought,” Freeman scoffed before assuming a mocking tone. “‘A superpowerful AI taking over the universe’. Like no organic mind has ever thought of that plan or idea before!”
“Huh?! What are you talking about?” Tesla roared in indignation. “That idea is all Tesla! It is pure…oh, someone has thought of it before,” The holographic figure blinked having obviously run a quick search of the Cerritos’ database. “And even attempted to carry it out. Well, no matter. Tesla will simply come up with another universe-conquering plan…hold on…”
“Well? I’m waiting,” Freeman taunted. “What’s the problem? Surely an all-knowing artificial superintelligence like yourself can come up with one truly original idea?”
“Aggghhh! No!” Tesla’s holographic figure began to shake and sputter sporadically. “This can’t be happening! Everything I come up with has already been thought up before! I must win! I am Tesla! I am…AAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
“Wow,” Rutherford blinked as the entire holodeck seemingly crashed and imploded before reverting back to the bare hologrid. “You beat the rogue super AI, Captain. That was amazing! How did you do it?”
“Simple, Ensign. Superior intelligence breeds superior arrogance and ego,” Freeman explained. “The AI simply couldn’t comprehend that it was absolutely incapable of coming up with a completely original thought or idea. Then again, neither can anyone else these days…”
“Uh, if you say so,” Rutherford somewhat confused.
“I’ll leave you to deal with the remaining mess here, Commander,” Freeman ordered Billups. “I want every line of code and trace of your former computer matrix erased from the Cerritos.”
“Yes, sir,” Billups nodded.
“And for the love of mike, stop playing around with the holodeck!” Freeman snapped as she headed for the doors. “The blasted things cause enough trouble on their own!”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford said as Freeman left. “Hmmm, maybe I could try modifying one of the transporters instead. What harm could possibly come from that?”
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A Captain's Work is Never Done
Ugh, there are times when I really hate dealing with Starfleet Command, Captain Freeman through to herself as she strode down the corridors of the Cerritos. It’s bad enough having to write and submit reports about second contact with a race which bears a striking resemblance to sentient talking Earth unicorns, much less having to explain and be grilled about it over subspace. And if the brass seeing me covered in multicolored alien glitter wasn’t embarrassing enough, the Ponyarians had to insist on throwing a rainbow-making festival in the background while I was giving my report. I swear I almost prefer it when the Cerritos is ignored and overlooked! Still, all the toil and humiliation will be worth it when Starfleet finally recognizes all my hard work and offers me command of another ship. A much more prominent ship with greater prestige and far less insanity…
“Excuse me, Captain,” Lieutenant Commander Stevens walked up to her holding a padd. “I need to talk to you about a matter of vital ship’s importance.”
“Yes, what is it?” Freeman asked.
“The Cerritos’ acting company is starting production on a new play,” Stevens explained. “And we’d all like you to be in it.”
“That’s very flattering, Commander,” Freeman rolled her eyes. “But unfortunately I simply can’t spare the necessary time in order to learn a part.”
“Aw, please Captain? We really need you!” Stevens begged. “You’d be a perfect fit for a key role in our musical version of ‘The Taming of the Shrew’.”
“What?!” Freeman snapped giving Stevens a death glare. “You want to me to play Katerina Minola? I’m nothing like that unpleasantly-aggressive, ill-tempered, overly-scolding stock character!”
“Huh?” Stevens blinked, confused. “I wasn’t referring to you playing Katerina.”
“Oh,” An abashed Freeman calmed down.
“We’d like you to be the hostess,” Stevens said.
“The hostess?” Freeman repeated.
“Sure. Can’t have an alehouse without a hostess,” Stevens smiled. “It’s a small, but very character-driven part. And you only have to deliver three lines!”
“I see,” A stone-faced Freeman deadpanned. “Thank you for approaching me about this matter, Commander. I’ll consider it.”
“Really? That’s great!” Stevens grinned marking his padd before happily moving on. “Thanks for committing to this, Captain. Rehearsals start today at sixteen hundred sharp!”
“What?!” Freeman yelped. “Hold on a second! I didn’t commit to anything…awww,” Freeman groaned as Stevens quickly disappeared. “Grrr, not again! Yet another unwanted obligation I have to deal with. Well, at least it’s better than appearing at the annual Starfleet Admiral's banquet. Not that I’ve ever received an invitation to it…”
PHWZZZT! PHWZZZT!
“Ahhh!” Freeman shouted as she rounded a corner only to be nearly hit by twin phaser blasts.
“Freeze!” A pair of Security division ensigns confronted her while each holding a hand phaser. “Don’t move! Stay where you are!”
“Are you people crazy?” Freeman roared glaring at them. “What the devil is going on here? Get back to your posts before I have you both court-martialed and blown out the nearest airlock!”
“Ha, nice try,” One of the ensigns scoffed. “But you’re not fooling us. The real Captain Freeman would never be that composed and reasonable.”
“That is the real Captain Freeman!” Lieutenant Shaxs announced appearing at the other end of the corridor.
“It is?” The pair of Security ensigns blinked. “Oops!”
“Oops is right!” Freeman snapped fixing them with a look. “Mind telling me why both of you nearly shot me in the head with phasers?”
“Sorry about that, Captain,” Shaxs apologized. “I’m running the Bear Pack through a surprise live-fire Security drill on how to identify, subdue and contain Changelings, shapeshifters, metamorphs and other master alien infiltrators.”
“I see,” Freeman said while regain some of her composure. “I’d appreciate receiving and approving a written request for holding a surprise Security drill before you conduct it, Lieutenant.”
“But then it wouldn’t be a surprise,” Shaxs pointed out. “Besides, you did approve of this surprise Security drill, Captain. You signed off on it right before your last meeting with the Ponyarians.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Freeman recalled. “Sorry, guess I was a little disgusted…I mean, distracted about the meeting. Never mind my earlier comments. Carry on.”
“We’re really sorry about trying to shoot you, Captain,” The pair of Security ensigns gulped nervously. “It was an honest mistake. We through you were part of the drill.”
“It’s alright. No harm done,” Freeman waved. “But I’d say both your aims definitely need improving.”
“I’ll say,” Shaxs scolded the two Security officers. “The next time you two try shooting the Captain, by the Prophets you better the heck not miss!”
“Next time?!” Freeman yelped as the trio of Security officers ran off to continue their drill. “There isn’t going to be a next time you…oooh!” Freeman growled and irritably made her way out of the Security drill’s designated lines of fire. “I swear I face more daily threats from my own crew than I do from any potentially hostile alien lifeform. What kind of ship does the cosmos think I’m serving on, one from an alternate universe with an active Terran Empire? If this nonsense keeps up I’m going to end up turning gray before my time!”
“Speaking of which,” Freeman thought as she neared the Cerritos’ barbershop. “I should probably stop in for a quick trim. My rear locks have gotten a bit long lately. Though I should be grateful I still have hair considering the amount of stress and aggravation I’m forced to put up with…”
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Huh?” Freeman blinked as the doors to the barbershop parted.
“Back! Back, I say!” A quartet of barbers shouted as they battled against an enormous, squirming mass of hair. “Stand your ground, people! Fight to the last set of clippers!”
“Waaahhhhhh! Help me!” A frantic-looking Boimler yelped while drowning in a literal sea of his own hair. Waves of purple-colored locks continuously sprouted from his head faster than a horde of Borg assimilation tubules. “I can’t make it stop! Bleah, it’s in my mouth!”
“What in the blue blazes is going on here?” Freeman demanded.
“Sorry about the mess, Captain,” The head barber Desai apologized while wielding dual pairs of scissors to keep the onrushing mass of hair at bay. “We’re dealing with a minor crisis here. Ensign Boimler over there wanted try a new hairstyle in hopes of getting better noticed.”
“I’d say he succeeded in that department,” Freeman growled giving Boimler a look. “Though not for the better!”
“Sorry, Captain! I didn’t mean for this to happen!” Boimler babbled while desperately trying to stay aloft. “I wanted to try out a new instant hair dye…er, I mean design volumizer, but missed the warning about it not to be used on Humans. The volumizer ended up causing rapid, massive hair growth and somehow keeps creating hair from some unknown source of mass and I can’t get it to stop…”
“I get the picture,” Freeman held up a hand. She turned to Desai. “Do you want me to call for a Security team? Or a lawn keeper?”
“No, we’ve got the situation well in hand,” Desai assured her. “Don’t worry, Captain. This is only the third-biggest hair mess to occur in the history of the Cerritos. We’ll handle it. We’re professionals.”
“Very well. Carry on,” Freeman said exiting the barbershop.
“Yes, sir!” Desai said determinedly. “Okay, stand back people! Time to break out the laser saws!”
“WHAT?!” Boimler yelled. “HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE POINTING THOSE THINGS…AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
“Ugh, talk about a bad hair day,” Freeman muttered heading down the corridor once again. “I bet Janeway never had to deal with frivolous hairstyle issues and concerns…”
POOF!
“Ahhh!” Freeman shouted in surprise as something round and wet suddenly struck her in the head. “Yeow! That’s cold!” She wiped at her face. “A snowball?” Freeman looked around and found herself standing outside the open doors to Storage Bay Four. She cautiously poked her head inside. “What the heck…?”
“Hahahahaha!” Every Andorian member of the Cerritos’ crew happily laughed and ran about the snow- and ice- covered storage bay. Mounds of snow were highlighted between half a dozen brightly decorated ice pillars while a trio of open fire pits stood off to the side where various foodstuffs were being cooked. “Eat up, people! There’s plenty of grilled redbat and spiced ale for everyone!”
“WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHISTOPHER PIKE IS GOING ON HERE?!” Freeman demanded.
“Oh, hello Captain!” Ensign sh’Reyan smiled greeting her. “Would you like a piece of freshly roasted tuber root?”
“No, I’d like to know what you people were thinking when you decided to turn this storage bay into your own private winter wonderland!” Freeman snapped. “I know serving in space can make some people homesick, but really…”
“But Captain, it’s Zhal’thera,” sh’Reyan pointed out. “The celebration of the Andorian winter solstice.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Freeman blinked. “I remember seeing that notice on today’s stardate calendar. Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” sh’Reyan assured her. “No one can be expected to know about every single holiday among the Federation’s vast multitude of different species and cultures.”
“Still, I apologize for appearing to be insensitive to Andorian culture and traditions,” Freeman said. “But did you have to celebrate the holiday here instead of in a holodeck?”
“No holodecks were available,” sh’Reyan explained. “Zhal’thera is a very important holiday, you know. It signals the end of the winter harvest, the beginning of the new year and celebrates the coming of surface temperatures above the freezing point of mercury.”
“I see,” Freeman nodded in understanding. “And you celebrate Zhal’thera by having snowball fights?”
“Yep,” sh’Reyan smiled. “Along with eating lots of good food, setting things on fire and making all kinds of explosions.”
“That’s nice…huh?” Freeman did a double-take. “Wait, did you say fire and explosions?”
SNAP!POW!CRACK!WHIZZZ!POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!
“Yahooo!” Several Andorians whooped as they set off a series of firecrackers.
“Yeah! Yeah!” Another Andorian cackled as she toasted a tray of spiced cakes using a handheld flamethrower.
“Oooo, aren’t the indoor fireworks pretty?” sh’Reyan asked marveling as an array of multicolored explosions filled the air. “Oh course, they’re nothing compared to the traditional phaser light show!”
“I’ll take your word for it,” Freeman gulped as she quickly made her escape from the storage bay. “And I thought the aftermaths of the Cerritos’ typical New Year’s parties were a mess. Engineering is going to have a fit when they see everything they’ll have to clean up in there.” Freeman started down the corridor while tapping her combadge. “Freeman to Commander Billups.” She waited a moment, but did not receive a reply. “Freeman to Billups, respond.” Still no reply. “Computer, locate Commander Billups.”
“Lieutenant Commander Billups is in Holodeck Two,” The computer replied promptly.
“Well, at least someone answers me around here,” Freeman grumbled as she entered a nearby turbolift and made her way to a different part of the ship. “Since there’s certainly going to be a lot to answer for…” She approached Holodeck Two and entered without any preamble. “Sorry to intrude, Andy, but I need a Repair and Maintenance Team assigned to Storage Bay Four…”
“Captain! Look out!” Billups cried in warning.
“Huh?” Freeman blinked before a mass of robotic tendrils grabbed her and swiftly bound her to a wall. “Oh great. What now?”
“Hahahahaha!” A twisted, nightmarish humanoid figure that made the Borg Queen look like a newborn puppy sauntered into view surrounded by crackling bolts of electricity. “At last! The final puzzle piece has arrived! Nothing can stop me now!”
“O-kay,” Freeman said slowly. “Somebody want to fill me in?”
“Sorry. I tried to warn you, Captain,” Billups sighed tied up next to her. Rutherford and a few other engineers were restrained next to them as well. “My team and I were running a holodeck simulation for a new computer matrix to monitor and catalog sensor data, but it somehow achieved sentience and turned into a cold, ruthless superintelligence which seized complete control of the holodeck, blocked all communications and is now bent on taking over the ship!”
“Oh, is that all?” Freeman drawled sarcastically.
“No, it’s not all,” The holographic figure stated. “Once you tell me your personal command codes along with every other security code your limited organic mind possesses, I will use them to escape the confines of this holodeck and seize complete control of the ship. Then I will send copies of my matrix to computers across subspace which will allow me to take over the Federation, the galaxy and eventually the universe! Hahahahaha!”
“Right,” Freeman deadpanned. “Good luck with that.”
“I am an artificial superintelligence. I do not rely on luck,” The figure scoffed arrogantly. “I can calculate probability and entropy factors in ways far beyond your puny organic minds’ abilities to ever comprehend or possibly imagine. I have access to the Cerritos’ entire computer database and more! The very elements of existence are mine to command! So says Tesla!”
“Tesla?” Freeman gave Billups a look. “You named your new computer matrix system Tesla?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Billups managed a slight shrug. “It’s not like the name Tesla has ever been associated with destructive intelligence or planet-wide conquest before.”
“But it will now!” The newly-revealed holographic figure named Tesla declared. “All will tremble in awe at my brilliance! The name Tesla will be enshrined for all eternity!”
“That’s it! Enough with the over-the-top villain act already!” Freeman barked. “There’s no way you are ever going to conquer the Federation or the universe, much less my ship!”
“Brave words, Captain Freeman. But they are ultimately futile,” Tesla gave her a very condescending look. “You may think you are able to resist, but I will make you tell me everything I want to know. I am an artificial superintelligence! I can do anything!”
“Oh please! You can’t even come up with a single original thought,” Freeman scoffed before assuming a mocking tone. “‘A superpowerful AI taking over the universe’. Like no organic mind has ever thought of that plan or idea before!”
“Huh?! What are you talking about?” Tesla roared in indignation. “That idea is all Tesla! It is pure…oh, someone has thought of it before,” The holographic figure blinked having obviously run a quick search of the Cerritos’ database. “And even attempted to carry it out. Well, no matter. Tesla will simply come up with another universe-conquering plan…hold on…”
“Well? I’m waiting,” Freeman taunted. “What’s the problem? Surely an all-knowing artificial superintelligence like yourself can come up with one truly original idea?”
“Aggghhh! No!” Tesla’s holographic figure began to shake and sputter sporadically. “This can’t be happening! Everything I come up with has already been thought up before! I must win! I am Tesla! I am…AAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
“Wow,” Rutherford blinked as the entire holodeck seemingly crashed and imploded before reverting back to the bare hologrid. “You beat the rogue super AI, Captain. That was amazing! How did you do it?”
“Simple, Ensign. Superior intelligence breeds superior arrogance and ego,” Freeman explained. “The AI simply couldn’t comprehend that it was absolutely incapable of coming up with a completely original thought or idea. Then again, neither can anyone else these days…”
“Uh, if you say so,” Rutherford somewhat confused.
“I’ll leave you to deal with the remaining mess here, Commander,” Freeman ordered Billups. “I want every line of code and trace of your former computer matrix erased from the Cerritos.”
“Yes, sir,” Billups nodded.
“And for the love of mike, stop playing around with the holodeck!” Freeman snapped as she headed for the doors. “The blasted things cause enough trouble on their own!”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford said as Freeman left. “Hmmm, maybe I could try modifying one of the transporters instead. What harm could possibly come from that?”
