Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Communications Problems
“Man, how long is Boimler going to hold a grudge?” Mariner muttered to herself as she sauntered into the Repair Bay. “So I accidentally wrecked his date with Ensign sh'Reyan, big deal. What’s a little eavesdropping between friends? Besides, Boimler would’ve probably blown the date all by himself. He’s done it before. Granted not nearly as many times as Ransom, but still…”
“Hey, Mariner!” Rutherford waved sliding out from underneath a large, complex array of equipment with various trails of thick opti-cable leading away from it. “Can you help me test out my latest project?”
“Eh, why not? I could use a break from my break,” Mariner shrugged heading over to him. “Whaddya tinkering with this time, Ruthy? Building your own souped up, quad-core, optronic computer matrix again?”
“Na, I haven’t scrounged up enough isolinear data subprocessors for it yet,” Rutherford said wielding a hyperspanner. “Right now I’m trying to modify the old processing core from that subspace communications relay station we repaired last week.”
“Why? So you can find a way to send subspace messages at an even greater Physics-bending, faster-than-light speed?” Mariner asked.
“That too,” Rutherford nodded. “But mainly so we can receive and watch live transmissions of the Academy fight team next month when they compete to win the Rigel Cup!”
“Seriously? Alright!” Mariner cheered. “Finally, a chance to watch ‘em fly in real time and on the big screen!”
“Yeah, I managed to scrounge up a pretty good one,” Rutherford proudly indicated a large, portable viewscreen. “The modified relay processing core should allow us to make a few good game nights.”
“Not to mention a few bets,” Mariner eagerly rubbed her hands. “We’ll know the competition results before anyone else onboard! I’m gonna make a fortune from this! Oh yeah, momma needs a new pair of gravity boots!”
“Uh, can’t you just replicate yourself a pair?” Rutherford blinked.
“Not a custom-made job with inertial dampener insoles and reinforced booster rockets,” Mariner said eyeing the array of equipment. “You sure this setup will work?”
“Oh yeah,” Rutherford indicated the mess of opti-cables. “This baby is already connected to its own power generator and independent subspace antenna array installed outside the hull.”
“Great,” Mariner smiled. “So, what do you need me to do?”
“Monitor which transmissions come in while I calibrate the demodulator,” Rutherford said sliding back underneath the maze of equipment. “Should I try tapping into the official transmissions from the Starfleet Academy cadet communications team or the sports branch of the Federation News Service?”
“Are you crazy? We ain’t settling for those amateurs,” Mariner snorted. “Give us a direct connection to UESPN: The United ‘Entertainment and Sports is Paramount’ Network!”
“Okey-dokey!” Rutherford smiled and began adjusting relays.
“General Neytier, report,” The image of a scarred, stern woman with a slight round protrusion in the middle of her forehead appeared on the viewscreen.
“All is well, my Regent,” The screen split to show a handsome, uniformed man of the same species. “All pilot squadrons have completed their latest training cycle with superior tactical ratings.”
“Man, can’t the broadcast bigwigs find better pieces of eye-candy than these guys?” Mariner groaned. “Sheesh, the standards at UESPN have really gone downhill.”
“Very good, General,” The scarred woman addressed as the Regent nodded. “And the local populous?”
“Ready and willing to serve you, your Excellency,” The man referred to as General Neytier gave a smart, crisp salute. “Legions of your loyal subjects are eager to fight and die for the greater glory of Palamar!”
“Wait, a minute. This isn’t UESPN,” Mariner frowned. “You’ve got us tuned to the wrong frequency, Ruthy.”
“Sorry. This old processing core’s multiplexers are kinda spotty,” Rutherford adjusted one with his hyperspanner. “Let me try again.”
“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. Broht,” An image of a smiling, clothed Ferengi female appeared as the viewscreen split again. “I assure you this is one business opportunity you would not want to pass up.”
“I certainly hope so, Ms. Uda,” The separate visage of a middle-aged male Bolian soon joined her. “We at Broht and Forrester are always open to discovering new markets for our franchises.”
“Great, now we’re listening to some lame sales pitch,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Wait, can any of these people see us?”
“No, we’re set up for monitoring and receiving transmissions only,” Rutherford explained. “I didn’t want to accidentally have anything we say or do be broadcast all over subspace.”
“Good thinking,” Mariner approved.
“I must admit, your projected sales models are encouraging,” The Bolian known as Broht inspected a padd. “And of course you’ll receive a commission for each holoprogram copy you sell. But are you sure there is enough interest for a female-targeted version of the ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ series?”
“Of course there is!” The woman named Uda gave a predatory smile. “Grand Nagus Rom’s continuation of the Zek Reforms have left Ferengi females hungry for new entertainment and plenty of new latinum to spend it on! The fascination of getting to know Vulcans intimately isn’t limited to just males, you know. A new series of ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ holoprograms would be appealing not only to Ferengi females, but to females who visit and do business all over the Ferengi Alliance.”
“Hmmm, you have a point,” Broht mused. “Do women really find Vulcan men that desirable, mysterious and alluring?”
“You have no idea,” Uda licked her lips.
“Hey, now that sounds interesting,” Mariner’s eyes grew wide. “I gotta snag me a set of those holoprograms when they come out!”
“Uh, that’s nice,” Rutherford blushed and quickly searched for a new frequency. “Let’s try tuning in to something else. Anything else!”
“Status report, Captain Dayton,” The viewscreen split yet again to show the bald, imposing form of Starfleet Admiral Vassery.
“Everything is proceeding on schedule, Admiral,” Captain Dayton’s image appeared next to his. “The Rubidoux has responded to the Hupyrian colony’s distress call and is preparing to return the wayward second moon to its original orbit.”
“Excellent,” Vassery nodded. “Make sure to conduct a comprehensive sense-oar scan of the moon’s core to determine how its orbit became destabilized.”
“Ugh, diverting lunar bodies to avert planetary catastrophe. Bo-ring!” Mariner booed. “C’mon, Ruthy. What’s taking so long?”
“Sorry. The routing circuits in here are really degraded,” Rutherford reached for a duonetic coupler. “Ah, that should do it!”
“I’m glad you have decided to deepen your diplomatic relations with us, Premier Danea,” The image of a striking, authoritative-looking woman popped up on the viewscreen. “The citizens of Angel One welcome a delegation from Cygnet XIV.”
“Thank you, Mistress Jalee,” Another commanding woman’s face appeared opposite to hers. “I hope we can continue to work together to improve the lives of both our peoples.”
“On the other hand,” Rutherford blinked.
“Man, you weren’t kidding when you said you needed help testing this rig,” Mariner stared at the eight different images simultaneously displayed on the viewscreen. “Have you tried resetting the frequency discriminators?”
“Hey, good idea,” Rutherford fiddled with a transtator. “Okay. Try it now.”
“Rest assured, your Excellency. The Third Fleet and Ninth Ground Combat Brigade are at full readiness,” General Neytier stated. “They can be deployed on your orders at a moment’s notice.”
“What? Repeat that,” The Regent of Palamar frowned in annoyance. “Something is wrong with the transmission. I still have visual, but I can not hear you.”
“You can’t? I can hear you just fine,” Mistress Jalee said checking her display. “Your voice sounds a little off, but I can still make out what you are saying.”
“Hey, what’s wrong with this thing? Your voice isn’t in synch with the picture,” Broht was seen tapping his comm unit. “Hello? Can you hear me?”
“Admiral? Is that you?” Captain Dayton asked. “Are you still interested in being informed about our analysis of the moon?”
“Moon? What moon?” Premier Danea blinked hearing Dayton’s last query. “I thought our people would be landing on the surface.”
“Did I hear you correctly? Are your sending down an away team in or-door to survey the Hupyrian colony’s erratic moon?” Admiral Vassery frowned jumping to conclusions. “That seems highly inadvisable, Captain.”
“Hey, is that an audio sample for the male lead of the new holoprogram?” Uda asked at Vassery’s speech. “Hmmm, the dialogue’s not bad, but you really need to find a better voice actor for it. Vulcans may be stoic, but even they aren’t that stuffy and aloof.”
“O-kay, what the heck’s going on?” Mariner blinked.
“Uh oh,” Rutherford gulped. “Looks like the processing core’s optronic relays are depolarizing. The various multiphasic transmissions are overlapping and the system is trying to prevent a complete cascade failure by shifting around different audio frequencies.”
“You mean people are hearing other peoples’ speech like an old-fashioned telephone switchboard with crossed lines?” Mariner asked.
“Pretty much,” Rutherford confirmed. “Here, lemme try reinitializing the transmissions’ individual harmonic sequences.”
“Hey, I think it’s clearing up now,” Broht was seen sighing in relief. “Anyway, as I was saying, I agree this is an excellent opportunity to develop and expand the franchise.”
“WHAT?!” The Regent roared at Broht’s words. “Are you allowing the people on that planet to hold elections and vote?”
“Of course not, your Excellency,” Neytier protested in horror. “Voting and other subversive activities are strictly forbidden and punishable by death!”
“What? I thought the society of Angel One was harmonious where swift, compassionate executions were rare,” Danea gasped. “I know you’ve had trouble with revolutionary upheaval in the past, but this is outrageous!”
“Sorry Admiral, I only heard the last part of that,” Dayton stated. “We’re aligning the ship with the moon’s period of revolution in order to get a better…oh my! Sir, according to our scans the Hupyrian colony’s second moon’s core is covered in rich veins of topaline and feldomite.”
“WHAT?! Who said that?” Uda gasped. “Never mind! This is terrible! I gotta sell all the topaline and feldomite assets in my financial portfolio at once!”
“Excuse me? Who is this?” Vassery demanded angrily. “Whatever you are selling, I don’t want any!”
“What is this sudden breech in diplomatic protocol?” Jalee’s voice grew cold. “Is one of the delegates you’re sending us a man? How dare you attempt to disrupt our world’s natural order!”
“Oh man, now it’s even worse!” Mariner groaned. “Rutherford, what did you do?”
“I don’t know!” Rutherford frantically attempted to repair the communication relay’s faulty processing core. “I can’t sort or differentiate between all these multiplexing transmission frequencies! I’m an engineer, not a communications officer!”
“Allowing free elections within my empire is treason, General!” The Regent thundered. “I should have known you couldn’t be trusted!”
“Your Excellency, please! There’s been a mistake! You’re being fed lies!” Neytier protested. “I’ve never been anything but loyal to you!”
“Your world will suffer for this!” The Regent vowed. “Prepare to have your moon blown out of the stars!”
“Uh, did I just hear you correctly?” Dayton gaped in shock. “You want us to blow up the moon?”
“What?! Are you insane?!” Danea gasped. “Cygnet XIV will not stand for this blatant extortion attempt by Angel One! This is outrageous!”
“Hello? Are you still there?” Broht tapped at his comm unit. “I said I’m sending you a revised sample of the new VLS holoprogram for you to look over. There are only a few changes that are completely non-negotiable.”
“What holoprogram?” Vassery blinked in confusion. “Is it part of your attempts to take sense-oar scans and core samples of…OH MY WORD! WHAT IS THIS RUBBISH?!”
“Is this the male delegate you intend to send us?” Jalee’s eyes grew wide having also received the VLS holoprogram sample. A sample which had apparently replaced the image she had originally been viewing. “In that case, I look forward to his arrival and will see to his personal diplomatic accommodations myself!”
“Quibb! It’s me! I just got an inside tip that the Hupyrians have struck a huge load of topaline and feldomite!” Uda was seen speaking into a second communicator. “We have to sell every bit we have now before the market exchange gets wind of it!”
“Man, this is nuts!” Mariner rubbed her temples. “It’s getting so that you need a scorecard to keep track of who’s speaking to who.”
“Sorry!” Rutherford quickly adjusted a set of attenuators. “These comm lines are all messed up! I keep trying to get the Academy flight team, but I can’t find the right frequency.”
“What do you mean the market has already found out?” Uda snapped. “You’re on the trading floor of the Tower of Commerce right now? And you have me on speaker? You incompetent gree worm!”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!” The Regent roared. “I’LL HAVE YOUR SEVERED HEAD ON A PLATTER FOR THIS COVERED WITH CLAVISOA BERRIES AND MOON GRASS!”
“I should have known a delusional dictator like you would have such barbaric taste!” Danea spat hearing the Regent’s words.
“You send me this filth and have the gall to complain about my tastes?” Vassery bellowed. “We are going to have a serious discussion about sharing these imaginative fantasies of yours!”
“I’m looking forward to speaking with your chosen male delegate about it at length,” Jalee smiled. “In fact, I plan to show him just how imaginative I can be…”
“Mistress Jalee?” A short, slim, smooth-faced man suddenly entered the picture behind Jalee. “Mistress Tricia would like to speak to you about…WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
“Uh, nothing!” Jalee quickly spun around. “I told you not to interrupt me when I’m busy, Crofoot!”
“Busy my eye! Are you trying to flirt with a Vulcan again?” The slender man addressed as Crofoot yelped. “Agh, I knew you were cheating on me!”
“What? I’m doing nothing of the sort,” Broht huffed hearing Crofoot’s last shout. “Plans change all the time. There is no formal contract yet so technically we won’t suffer any legal repercussions for our actions.”
“Sir, I must protest! There’s no need for this,” Dayton pleaded receiving Broht’s words.
“There’s no use arguing about it. I’ve already made up my mind,” Broht said. “You can either accept it or forfeit your commissions.”
“Uh, yes sir,” Dayton gulped. “Tactical, prepare a gravimetric torpedo with a yield of thirty-six isotons.”
“WHAT?! You think you can ‘purify’ me by firing a torpedo at this planet, Regent?” Neytier yelped in shock. “Well think again! I won’t go down without a fight! The Third Fleet and Ninth Ground Combat Brigade are far more loyal to me than they are to you!”
“Hello, ladies! Looking for a good time?” The image of a handsome, bare-chested young man with dark wavy hair and a deep, throaty voice suddenly appeared on the viewscreen next to the other images.
“O-kay, this is new,” Mariner blinked. “Not that I’m complaining…”
“Huh, an openly broadcast, general subspace advertisement,” Rutherford scratched his head in surprise. “Where did that come from?”
“If so, come down to the finest resort and spa on Argelius II!” The young man purred seductively. “Where the food is divine, the massages heavenly and the men are so…”
“I know the place,” Mariner smirked. “For once the entertainment lives up to the advertising. And how!”
“Um, I’ll take your word for it,” Rutherford blushed.
“Oh my,” Danea flushed having obviously also viewed the advertisement. “How blatant! How shameless! How deliciously decadent…”
“Did you just send me another one of your fantasy holoprograms, Captain Dayton?” Vassery twitched. “This is highly unprofessional! Never in all my years in Starfleet have I seen such a wanton display of…”
“Admiral, Captain Durango is here to see you,” The voice of Vassery’s female aide was heard in the background. “He’s very adamant to discuss…what are you watching?!”
“Lieutenant?! How long have you been in here?” Vassery yelped, startled. “Wait, this isn’t what it looks like!”
“It looks like an ad from Argelius II along with a modified holoprogram of the ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ series from Broht and Forrester,” His aide commented.
“Broht and Forrester? The publisher? Unbelievable!” Vassery’s face grew red in fury. “I can’t believe they have the nerve to advertise this rubbish over official Starfleet communication channels…wait a second. How do you know what a ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ holoprogram looks like?”
“Uh…” His aide gulped.
“Is that a second man’s voice I hear?” Crofoot shrieked at Jalee. “I don’t believe this! You’re cheating on me with not one, but two men at the same time!”
“I am not! I have absolutely no idea who this second, unknown man is! I can’t even see his image!” Jalee protested. “I was only ever interested in the first man! Uh, I mean…”
“WHAT?!” Crofoot cried.
“THE MARKET EXCHANGE IS DOWN NINETY POINTS ALREADY?!” Uda shrieked. “AAAHHHHHH! SELL! SELL!”
“I’m not selling you anything,” Broht sniffed. “Not until we get these holoprogram details sorted out.”
“Gravimetric torpedo ready, Captain,” The Rubidoux’s tactical officer was heard reporting. “But are you sure we are authorized to do this? Shouldn’t we contact the Hupyrians first to explain…?”
“You want to risk losing your Starfleet commission over this?” Dayton cut her off. “You heard the Admiral. Blow the moon!”
“You’re going to destroy our moon?” Neytier yelped only hearing Dayton’s last statement. “How can you do that? That moon is home to millions! You’re even more insane than your predecessor!”
“I am a conqueror! One that knows how to deal with weak, election-loving fools!” The Regent thundered. “You, your people and that pathetic planet you’re standing on will suffer for this!”
“Who said that? Where is that transmission coming from?” The waveform pattern of a surprised, unfamiliar voice appeared on the viewscreen. “Lupo, are you getting this?”
“I sure am, Sikla,” A second waveform appeared next to it. “I’m reconfiguring the satellite to better triangulate the source…oh my! The signal is coming from outer space!”
“What the?” Mariner did a take at the newcomers. “Who the heck are these guys?”
“That’s impossible!” The voice associated with the individual addressed as Sikla exclaimed. “We Malcorians are the only intelligent species in the galaxy!”
“Looks like we aren’t anymore,” Her companion Lupo sounded stunned. “My gosh, there really are aliens out there!”
“Oh no! I knew it! The rumors were all true!” Sikla wailed. “That’s why former Minister Mirastra Yale mysteriously disappeared thirteen years ago! The aliens kidnapped her!”
“And now they’ve come back to conquer us!” Lupo cried. “We must inform the chancellor and Central Security at once!”
“Malcorians?” Rutherford blinked. “Aren’t they one of those pre-warp civilizations who haven’t made first contact with the Federation yet?”
“Eh, that’s the official line Starfleet’s going with these days,” Mariner shrugged. “Though unofficially, I heard Captain Riker made ‘first contact’ with one of them in a completely different manner!”
“That’s it! I’ve put up with your infidelity for the last time!” Crofoot cried. “I’m informing the Parliament of Mistresses about this!”
“Go ahead! They won’t care!” Jalee shouted. “As if none of them ever tried to have an affair or three before.”
“Fine! Then I’ll go the media!” Crofoot vowed.
“NO!” Jalee yelled.
“Uh, you know what, Admiral? Captain Durango’s meeting isn’t that urgent,” Vassery’s aide was heard coughing and departing quickly. “I’ll stall him and leave you alone with your…interests. Don’t worry, I know how to be discreet.”
“NO! THERE’S BEEN A MISTAKE! I’M NOT INTERESTED IN THIS FILTH!” Vassery yelled frantically. “AGGGHHH, GET ME A PRIORITY CHANNEL TO THE FEDERATION ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE RIGHT NOW! THE SICK MINDS AT BROHT AND FORRESTER WILL PAY FOR THIS!”
“Ms. Arlent, contact Mistress Jalee and inform her we’ll be delaying our diplomatic delegation to Angel One,” Danea smiled while giving orders to her secretary. “Meanwhile, I’ll be rendezvousing with our diplomatic team and taking the whole delegation on a little vacation…”
“AGGGHHH! I’M RUINED! I’M GOING TO END UP IN THE VAULT OF ETERNAL DESTITUTION FOR THIS!” Uda wailed. “I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE INVESTED IN TULABERRY FUTURES INSTEAD!”
“THIS IS WAR! WAR, I TELL YOU!” The Regent boomed. “PREPARE TO DIE, TRAITOR!”
“BRING IT ON! I HAVE MANY ALLIES AMONG YOUR OTHER GENERALS AND FLEET COMMANDERS!” Neytier snapped. “THEY’LL GLADLY SIDE WITH ME OVER A DESPOTIC, MAD TYRANT LIKE YOU!”
“Torpedo away!” Dayton reported. “Impact in five…four…three…two…”
“AHHH! THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING! THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!” Lupo wailed.
“GAAAUUUGGGHHH! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! NOOOOOOOOO!” Sikla screamed.
The entire viewscreen and collection of transmission images suddenly went dark. “Uh, what just happened?” Mariner blinked.
“Oh, I disconnected the relay’s processing core from the generator I had set up,” Rutherford said casually. “The matrix was becoming so scrambled the isodyne relays were beginning to overheat.”
“You couldn’t have done that before?” Mariner gave him a look. “Like immediately after all the audio signals got messed up?”
“Huh? Oh, uh yeah. I guess that would have been a better time,” Rutherford sheepishly rubbed his head.
“Engineers,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Can’t see the warp core for the magnetic constrictors. Wait, could any of those people we saw trace their scrambled comm signals back to us?”
“No way, we weren’t broadcasting or adding any of our own transmission signatures,” Rutherford shook his head indicating the equipment. “This baby was just acting like any other malfunctioning relay station in space.”
“No kidding,” Mariner groaned.
“Um, do you think I’ll get in trouble for this?” Rutherford asked worriedly. “Maybe I should dispose of all the equipment before anyone gets suspicious.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t worry about it. Communications problems happen all the time,” Mariner waved. “Besides, any misunderstandings that resulted from your messed up little project will have all blown over by tomorrow.”
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Communications Problems
“Man, how long is Boimler going to hold a grudge?” Mariner muttered to herself as she sauntered into the Repair Bay. “So I accidentally wrecked his date with Ensign sh'Reyan, big deal. What’s a little eavesdropping between friends? Besides, Boimler would’ve probably blown the date all by himself. He’s done it before. Granted not nearly as many times as Ransom, but still…”
“Hey, Mariner!” Rutherford waved sliding out from underneath a large, complex array of equipment with various trails of thick opti-cable leading away from it. “Can you help me test out my latest project?”
“Eh, why not? I could use a break from my break,” Mariner shrugged heading over to him. “Whaddya tinkering with this time, Ruthy? Building your own souped up, quad-core, optronic computer matrix again?”
“Na, I haven’t scrounged up enough isolinear data subprocessors for it yet,” Rutherford said wielding a hyperspanner. “Right now I’m trying to modify the old processing core from that subspace communications relay station we repaired last week.”
“Why? So you can find a way to send subspace messages at an even greater Physics-bending, faster-than-light speed?” Mariner asked.
“That too,” Rutherford nodded. “But mainly so we can receive and watch live transmissions of the Academy fight team next month when they compete to win the Rigel Cup!”
“Seriously? Alright!” Mariner cheered. “Finally, a chance to watch ‘em fly in real time and on the big screen!”
“Yeah, I managed to scrounge up a pretty good one,” Rutherford proudly indicated a large, portable viewscreen. “The modified relay processing core should allow us to make a few good game nights.”
“Not to mention a few bets,” Mariner eagerly rubbed her hands. “We’ll know the competition results before anyone else onboard! I’m gonna make a fortune from this! Oh yeah, momma needs a new pair of gravity boots!”
“Uh, can’t you just replicate yourself a pair?” Rutherford blinked.
“Not a custom-made job with inertial dampener insoles and reinforced booster rockets,” Mariner said eyeing the array of equipment. “You sure this setup will work?”
“Oh yeah,” Rutherford indicated the mess of opti-cables. “This baby is already connected to its own power generator and independent subspace antenna array installed outside the hull.”
“Great,” Mariner smiled. “So, what do you need me to do?”
“Monitor which transmissions come in while I calibrate the demodulator,” Rutherford said sliding back underneath the maze of equipment. “Should I try tapping into the official transmissions from the Starfleet Academy cadet communications team or the sports branch of the Federation News Service?”
“Are you crazy? We ain’t settling for those amateurs,” Mariner snorted. “Give us a direct connection to UESPN: The United ‘Entertainment and Sports is Paramount’ Network!”
“Okey-dokey!” Rutherford smiled and began adjusting relays.
“General Neytier, report,” The image of a scarred, stern woman with a slight round protrusion in the middle of her forehead appeared on the viewscreen.
“All is well, my Regent,” The screen split to show a handsome, uniformed man of the same species. “All pilot squadrons have completed their latest training cycle with superior tactical ratings.”
“Man, can’t the broadcast bigwigs find better pieces of eye-candy than these guys?” Mariner groaned. “Sheesh, the standards at UESPN have really gone downhill.”
“Very good, General,” The scarred woman addressed as the Regent nodded. “And the local populous?”
“Ready and willing to serve you, your Excellency,” The man referred to as General Neytier gave a smart, crisp salute. “Legions of your loyal subjects are eager to fight and die for the greater glory of Palamar!”
“Wait, a minute. This isn’t UESPN,” Mariner frowned. “You’ve got us tuned to the wrong frequency, Ruthy.”
“Sorry. This old processing core’s multiplexers are kinda spotty,” Rutherford adjusted one with his hyperspanner. “Let me try again.”
“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. Broht,” An image of a smiling, clothed Ferengi female appeared as the viewscreen split again. “I assure you this is one business opportunity you would not want to pass up.”
“I certainly hope so, Ms. Uda,” The separate visage of a middle-aged male Bolian soon joined her. “We at Broht and Forrester are always open to discovering new markets for our franchises.”
“Great, now we’re listening to some lame sales pitch,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Wait, can any of these people see us?”
“No, we’re set up for monitoring and receiving transmissions only,” Rutherford explained. “I didn’t want to accidentally have anything we say or do be broadcast all over subspace.”
“Good thinking,” Mariner approved.
“I must admit, your projected sales models are encouraging,” The Bolian known as Broht inspected a padd. “And of course you’ll receive a commission for each holoprogram copy you sell. But are you sure there is enough interest for a female-targeted version of the ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ series?”
“Of course there is!” The woman named Uda gave a predatory smile. “Grand Nagus Rom’s continuation of the Zek Reforms have left Ferengi females hungry for new entertainment and plenty of new latinum to spend it on! The fascination of getting to know Vulcans intimately isn’t limited to just males, you know. A new series of ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ holoprograms would be appealing not only to Ferengi females, but to females who visit and do business all over the Ferengi Alliance.”
“Hmmm, you have a point,” Broht mused. “Do women really find Vulcan men that desirable, mysterious and alluring?”
“You have no idea,” Uda licked her lips.
“Hey, now that sounds interesting,” Mariner’s eyes grew wide. “I gotta snag me a set of those holoprograms when they come out!”
“Uh, that’s nice,” Rutherford blushed and quickly searched for a new frequency. “Let’s try tuning in to something else. Anything else!”
“Status report, Captain Dayton,” The viewscreen split yet again to show the bald, imposing form of Starfleet Admiral Vassery.
“Everything is proceeding on schedule, Admiral,” Captain Dayton’s image appeared next to his. “The Rubidoux has responded to the Hupyrian colony’s distress call and is preparing to return the wayward second moon to its original orbit.”
“Excellent,” Vassery nodded. “Make sure to conduct a comprehensive sense-oar scan of the moon’s core to determine how its orbit became destabilized.”
“Ugh, diverting lunar bodies to avert planetary catastrophe. Bo-ring!” Mariner booed. “C’mon, Ruthy. What’s taking so long?”
“Sorry. The routing circuits in here are really degraded,” Rutherford reached for a duonetic coupler. “Ah, that should do it!”
“I’m glad you have decided to deepen your diplomatic relations with us, Premier Danea,” The image of a striking, authoritative-looking woman popped up on the viewscreen. “The citizens of Angel One welcome a delegation from Cygnet XIV.”
“Thank you, Mistress Jalee,” Another commanding woman’s face appeared opposite to hers. “I hope we can continue to work together to improve the lives of both our peoples.”
“On the other hand,” Rutherford blinked.
“Man, you weren’t kidding when you said you needed help testing this rig,” Mariner stared at the eight different images simultaneously displayed on the viewscreen. “Have you tried resetting the frequency discriminators?”
“Hey, good idea,” Rutherford fiddled with a transtator. “Okay. Try it now.”
“Rest assured, your Excellency. The Third Fleet and Ninth Ground Combat Brigade are at full readiness,” General Neytier stated. “They can be deployed on your orders at a moment’s notice.”
“What? Repeat that,” The Regent of Palamar frowned in annoyance. “Something is wrong with the transmission. I still have visual, but I can not hear you.”
“You can’t? I can hear you just fine,” Mistress Jalee said checking her display. “Your voice sounds a little off, but I can still make out what you are saying.”
“Hey, what’s wrong with this thing? Your voice isn’t in synch with the picture,” Broht was seen tapping his comm unit. “Hello? Can you hear me?”
“Admiral? Is that you?” Captain Dayton asked. “Are you still interested in being informed about our analysis of the moon?”
“Moon? What moon?” Premier Danea blinked hearing Dayton’s last query. “I thought our people would be landing on the surface.”
“Did I hear you correctly? Are your sending down an away team in or-door to survey the Hupyrian colony’s erratic moon?” Admiral Vassery frowned jumping to conclusions. “That seems highly inadvisable, Captain.”
“Hey, is that an audio sample for the male lead of the new holoprogram?” Uda asked at Vassery’s speech. “Hmmm, the dialogue’s not bad, but you really need to find a better voice actor for it. Vulcans may be stoic, but even they aren’t that stuffy and aloof.”
“O-kay, what the heck’s going on?” Mariner blinked.
“Uh oh,” Rutherford gulped. “Looks like the processing core’s optronic relays are depolarizing. The various multiphasic transmissions are overlapping and the system is trying to prevent a complete cascade failure by shifting around different audio frequencies.”
“You mean people are hearing other peoples’ speech like an old-fashioned telephone switchboard with crossed lines?” Mariner asked.
“Pretty much,” Rutherford confirmed. “Here, lemme try reinitializing the transmissions’ individual harmonic sequences.”
“Hey, I think it’s clearing up now,” Broht was seen sighing in relief. “Anyway, as I was saying, I agree this is an excellent opportunity to develop and expand the franchise.”
“WHAT?!” The Regent roared at Broht’s words. “Are you allowing the people on that planet to hold elections and vote?”
“Of course not, your Excellency,” Neytier protested in horror. “Voting and other subversive activities are strictly forbidden and punishable by death!”
“What? I thought the society of Angel One was harmonious where swift, compassionate executions were rare,” Danea gasped. “I know you’ve had trouble with revolutionary upheaval in the past, but this is outrageous!”
“Sorry Admiral, I only heard the last part of that,” Dayton stated. “We’re aligning the ship with the moon’s period of revolution in order to get a better…oh my! Sir, according to our scans the Hupyrian colony’s second moon’s core is covered in rich veins of topaline and feldomite.”
“WHAT?! Who said that?” Uda gasped. “Never mind! This is terrible! I gotta sell all the topaline and feldomite assets in my financial portfolio at once!”
“Excuse me? Who is this?” Vassery demanded angrily. “Whatever you are selling, I don’t want any!”
“What is this sudden breech in diplomatic protocol?” Jalee’s voice grew cold. “Is one of the delegates you’re sending us a man? How dare you attempt to disrupt our world’s natural order!”
“Oh man, now it’s even worse!” Mariner groaned. “Rutherford, what did you do?”
“I don’t know!” Rutherford frantically attempted to repair the communication relay’s faulty processing core. “I can’t sort or differentiate between all these multiplexing transmission frequencies! I’m an engineer, not a communications officer!”
“Allowing free elections within my empire is treason, General!” The Regent thundered. “I should have known you couldn’t be trusted!”
“Your Excellency, please! There’s been a mistake! You’re being fed lies!” Neytier protested. “I’ve never been anything but loyal to you!”
“Your world will suffer for this!” The Regent vowed. “Prepare to have your moon blown out of the stars!”
“Uh, did I just hear you correctly?” Dayton gaped in shock. “You want us to blow up the moon?”
“What?! Are you insane?!” Danea gasped. “Cygnet XIV will not stand for this blatant extortion attempt by Angel One! This is outrageous!”
“Hello? Are you still there?” Broht tapped at his comm unit. “I said I’m sending you a revised sample of the new VLS holoprogram for you to look over. There are only a few changes that are completely non-negotiable.”
“What holoprogram?” Vassery blinked in confusion. “Is it part of your attempts to take sense-oar scans and core samples of…OH MY WORD! WHAT IS THIS RUBBISH?!”
“Is this the male delegate you intend to send us?” Jalee’s eyes grew wide having also received the VLS holoprogram sample. A sample which had apparently replaced the image she had originally been viewing. “In that case, I look forward to his arrival and will see to his personal diplomatic accommodations myself!”
“Quibb! It’s me! I just got an inside tip that the Hupyrians have struck a huge load of topaline and feldomite!” Uda was seen speaking into a second communicator. “We have to sell every bit we have now before the market exchange gets wind of it!”
“Man, this is nuts!” Mariner rubbed her temples. “It’s getting so that you need a scorecard to keep track of who’s speaking to who.”
“Sorry!” Rutherford quickly adjusted a set of attenuators. “These comm lines are all messed up! I keep trying to get the Academy flight team, but I can’t find the right frequency.”
“What do you mean the market has already found out?” Uda snapped. “You’re on the trading floor of the Tower of Commerce right now? And you have me on speaker? You incompetent gree worm!”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!” The Regent roared. “I’LL HAVE YOUR SEVERED HEAD ON A PLATTER FOR THIS COVERED WITH CLAVISOA BERRIES AND MOON GRASS!”
“I should have known a delusional dictator like you would have such barbaric taste!” Danea spat hearing the Regent’s words.
“You send me this filth and have the gall to complain about my tastes?” Vassery bellowed. “We are going to have a serious discussion about sharing these imaginative fantasies of yours!”
“I’m looking forward to speaking with your chosen male delegate about it at length,” Jalee smiled. “In fact, I plan to show him just how imaginative I can be…”
“Mistress Jalee?” A short, slim, smooth-faced man suddenly entered the picture behind Jalee. “Mistress Tricia would like to speak to you about…WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
“Uh, nothing!” Jalee quickly spun around. “I told you not to interrupt me when I’m busy, Crofoot!”
“Busy my eye! Are you trying to flirt with a Vulcan again?” The slender man addressed as Crofoot yelped. “Agh, I knew you were cheating on me!”
“What? I’m doing nothing of the sort,” Broht huffed hearing Crofoot’s last shout. “Plans change all the time. There is no formal contract yet so technically we won’t suffer any legal repercussions for our actions.”
“Sir, I must protest! There’s no need for this,” Dayton pleaded receiving Broht’s words.
“There’s no use arguing about it. I’ve already made up my mind,” Broht said. “You can either accept it or forfeit your commissions.”
“Uh, yes sir,” Dayton gulped. “Tactical, prepare a gravimetric torpedo with a yield of thirty-six isotons.”
“WHAT?! You think you can ‘purify’ me by firing a torpedo at this planet, Regent?” Neytier yelped in shock. “Well think again! I won’t go down without a fight! The Third Fleet and Ninth Ground Combat Brigade are far more loyal to me than they are to you!”
“Hello, ladies! Looking for a good time?” The image of a handsome, bare-chested young man with dark wavy hair and a deep, throaty voice suddenly appeared on the viewscreen next to the other images.
“O-kay, this is new,” Mariner blinked. “Not that I’m complaining…”
“Huh, an openly broadcast, general subspace advertisement,” Rutherford scratched his head in surprise. “Where did that come from?”
“If so, come down to the finest resort and spa on Argelius II!” The young man purred seductively. “Where the food is divine, the massages heavenly and the men are so…”
“I know the place,” Mariner smirked. “For once the entertainment lives up to the advertising. And how!”
“Um, I’ll take your word for it,” Rutherford blushed.
“Oh my,” Danea flushed having obviously also viewed the advertisement. “How blatant! How shameless! How deliciously decadent…”
“Did you just send me another one of your fantasy holoprograms, Captain Dayton?” Vassery twitched. “This is highly unprofessional! Never in all my years in Starfleet have I seen such a wanton display of…”
“Admiral, Captain Durango is here to see you,” The voice of Vassery’s female aide was heard in the background. “He’s very adamant to discuss…what are you watching?!”
“Lieutenant?! How long have you been in here?” Vassery yelped, startled. “Wait, this isn’t what it looks like!”
“It looks like an ad from Argelius II along with a modified holoprogram of the ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ series from Broht and Forrester,” His aide commented.
“Broht and Forrester? The publisher? Unbelievable!” Vassery’s face grew red in fury. “I can’t believe they have the nerve to advertise this rubbish over official Starfleet communication channels…wait a second. How do you know what a ‘Vulcan Love Slave’ holoprogram looks like?”
“Uh…” His aide gulped.
“Is that a second man’s voice I hear?” Crofoot shrieked at Jalee. “I don’t believe this! You’re cheating on me with not one, but two men at the same time!”
“I am not! I have absolutely no idea who this second, unknown man is! I can’t even see his image!” Jalee protested. “I was only ever interested in the first man! Uh, I mean…”
“WHAT?!” Crofoot cried.
“THE MARKET EXCHANGE IS DOWN NINETY POINTS ALREADY?!” Uda shrieked. “AAAHHHHHH! SELL! SELL!”
“I’m not selling you anything,” Broht sniffed. “Not until we get these holoprogram details sorted out.”
“Gravimetric torpedo ready, Captain,” The Rubidoux’s tactical officer was heard reporting. “But are you sure we are authorized to do this? Shouldn’t we contact the Hupyrians first to explain…?”
“You want to risk losing your Starfleet commission over this?” Dayton cut her off. “You heard the Admiral. Blow the moon!”
“You’re going to destroy our moon?” Neytier yelped only hearing Dayton’s last statement. “How can you do that? That moon is home to millions! You’re even more insane than your predecessor!”
“I am a conqueror! One that knows how to deal with weak, election-loving fools!” The Regent thundered. “You, your people and that pathetic planet you’re standing on will suffer for this!”
“Who said that? Where is that transmission coming from?” The waveform pattern of a surprised, unfamiliar voice appeared on the viewscreen. “Lupo, are you getting this?”
“I sure am, Sikla,” A second waveform appeared next to it. “I’m reconfiguring the satellite to better triangulate the source…oh my! The signal is coming from outer space!”
“What the?” Mariner did a take at the newcomers. “Who the heck are these guys?”
“That’s impossible!” The voice associated with the individual addressed as Sikla exclaimed. “We Malcorians are the only intelligent species in the galaxy!”
“Looks like we aren’t anymore,” Her companion Lupo sounded stunned. “My gosh, there really are aliens out there!”
“Oh no! I knew it! The rumors were all true!” Sikla wailed. “That’s why former Minister Mirastra Yale mysteriously disappeared thirteen years ago! The aliens kidnapped her!”
“And now they’ve come back to conquer us!” Lupo cried. “We must inform the chancellor and Central Security at once!”
“Malcorians?” Rutherford blinked. “Aren’t they one of those pre-warp civilizations who haven’t made first contact with the Federation yet?”
“Eh, that’s the official line Starfleet’s going with these days,” Mariner shrugged. “Though unofficially, I heard Captain Riker made ‘first contact’ with one of them in a completely different manner!”
“That’s it! I’ve put up with your infidelity for the last time!” Crofoot cried. “I’m informing the Parliament of Mistresses about this!”
“Go ahead! They won’t care!” Jalee shouted. “As if none of them ever tried to have an affair or three before.”
“Fine! Then I’ll go the media!” Crofoot vowed.
“NO!” Jalee yelled.
“Uh, you know what, Admiral? Captain Durango’s meeting isn’t that urgent,” Vassery’s aide was heard coughing and departing quickly. “I’ll stall him and leave you alone with your…interests. Don’t worry, I know how to be discreet.”
“NO! THERE’S BEEN A MISTAKE! I’M NOT INTERESTED IN THIS FILTH!” Vassery yelled frantically. “AGGGHHH, GET ME A PRIORITY CHANNEL TO THE FEDERATION ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE RIGHT NOW! THE SICK MINDS AT BROHT AND FORRESTER WILL PAY FOR THIS!”
“Ms. Arlent, contact Mistress Jalee and inform her we’ll be delaying our diplomatic delegation to Angel One,” Danea smiled while giving orders to her secretary. “Meanwhile, I’ll be rendezvousing with our diplomatic team and taking the whole delegation on a little vacation…”
“AGGGHHH! I’M RUINED! I’M GOING TO END UP IN THE VAULT OF ETERNAL DESTITUTION FOR THIS!” Uda wailed. “I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE INVESTED IN TULABERRY FUTURES INSTEAD!”
“THIS IS WAR! WAR, I TELL YOU!” The Regent boomed. “PREPARE TO DIE, TRAITOR!”
“BRING IT ON! I HAVE MANY ALLIES AMONG YOUR OTHER GENERALS AND FLEET COMMANDERS!” Neytier snapped. “THEY’LL GLADLY SIDE WITH ME OVER A DESPOTIC, MAD TYRANT LIKE YOU!”
“Torpedo away!” Dayton reported. “Impact in five…four…three…two…”
“AHHH! THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING! THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!” Lupo wailed.
“GAAAUUUGGGHHH! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! NOOOOOOOOO!” Sikla screamed.
The entire viewscreen and collection of transmission images suddenly went dark. “Uh, what just happened?” Mariner blinked.
“Oh, I disconnected the relay’s processing core from the generator I had set up,” Rutherford said casually. “The matrix was becoming so scrambled the isodyne relays were beginning to overheat.”
“You couldn’t have done that before?” Mariner gave him a look. “Like immediately after all the audio signals got messed up?”
“Huh? Oh, uh yeah. I guess that would have been a better time,” Rutherford sheepishly rubbed his head.
“Engineers,” Mariner rolled her eyes. “Can’t see the warp core for the magnetic constrictors. Wait, could any of those people we saw trace their scrambled comm signals back to us?”
“No way, we weren’t broadcasting or adding any of our own transmission signatures,” Rutherford shook his head indicating the equipment. “This baby was just acting like any other malfunctioning relay station in space.”
“No kidding,” Mariner groaned.
“Um, do you think I’ll get in trouble for this?” Rutherford asked worriedly. “Maybe I should dispose of all the equipment before anyone gets suspicious.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t worry about it. Communications problems happen all the time,” Mariner waved. “Besides, any misunderstandings that resulted from your messed up little project will have all blown over by tomorrow.”
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