"Polaris"
- Thread starter Admiral Buzzkill
- Start date
I've watched the trailer several times, and a few times with my eyes closed. With my eyes closed, I'm fine with the delivery of lines. With my eyes open, some lines stand out as being far better:
1. "So where in the hell are we?" Good!
2. "We're way off the map. We're in unknown space." Good!
3. "Lost at the edge of nowhere..." Good!
at the :10 second mark I would continue with an effect rather than showing the actor deliver this line: "...we stumbled across a signal."
4. "The odds against are" is fine as shown.
5. The line "are ridiculous" is delivered well, and I'd keep it, but don't show the actors face.
6. "Somethings really bad happened." Good!
7. "56 people to feed, provisions for three months." Good!
8. You cut to an effect with the words "no star drive." Good!
9. "We were explorers once." The line is fine, and I'd keep it, but I'd replace the image of the actor with images of the people walking on top of the hill with the galaxy in the background.
10. The line "Don't you?" is fine but I would cut away from the actor immediately after she delivers the line.
11. "Wee, it is dangerous. And whatever it is, it wasn't there when you landed." Good! You cut away from the actor at just the right moment to show the woman drawing her weapon. This is very strong material in my view.
12. "Your Dr. Young (?) has been exposed, you must consider her dead. Good! But I would not hold the shot of the pistol aimed at the back of her head for as long as current.
13. "They're everywhere." The line is delivered well but the image simply doesn't work for me. I'd keep the line but replace the image. If you have a tight shot of the actor delivering the line, that might work.
14. "Freeze, or I'll blow your effing head off." I'd keep the "freeze" and leave it at that. Points 13. and 14. are the weakest material I see here.
15. The next several seconds work well. But as soon as the Captain says"Of course not" I'd cut away from the actor, go to the POLARIS logo and leave the line.
Lots of strong material here. My advice is not to rush to crowdfunding. The decision as to platform is important. Kickstarter or Indiegogo? Some say if you don't use Kickstarter no one will find you. Others say that Axanar and Star Trek Continues have helped raise awareness to the site and it would be fine. I do like the fact that Indiegogo is not an "all or nothing" platform if you choose that option. I'd also advise taking a poll as to what "perks" people want and what is a fair price point. Also, add the subtitle option. The current subtitles seem to be automatically generated and they are a mess. I would also suggest making the opening title sequence ( the first 5-6 seconds) a bit more dynamic.
I hope this helps.
1. "So where in the hell are we?" Good!
2. "We're way off the map. We're in unknown space." Good!
3. "Lost at the edge of nowhere..." Good!
at the :10 second mark I would continue with an effect rather than showing the actor deliver this line: "...we stumbled across a signal."
4. "The odds against are" is fine as shown.
5. The line "are ridiculous" is delivered well, and I'd keep it, but don't show the actors face.
6. "Somethings really bad happened." Good!
7. "56 people to feed, provisions for three months." Good!
8. You cut to an effect with the words "no star drive." Good!
9. "We were explorers once." The line is fine, and I'd keep it, but I'd replace the image of the actor with images of the people walking on top of the hill with the galaxy in the background.
10. The line "Don't you?" is fine but I would cut away from the actor immediately after she delivers the line.
11. "Wee, it is dangerous. And whatever it is, it wasn't there when you landed." Good! You cut away from the actor at just the right moment to show the woman drawing her weapon. This is very strong material in my view.
12. "Your Dr. Young (?) has been exposed, you must consider her dead. Good! But I would not hold the shot of the pistol aimed at the back of her head for as long as current.
13. "They're everywhere." The line is delivered well but the image simply doesn't work for me. I'd keep the line but replace the image. If you have a tight shot of the actor delivering the line, that might work.
14. "Freeze, or I'll blow your effing head off." I'd keep the "freeze" and leave it at that. Points 13. and 14. are the weakest material I see here.
15. The next several seconds work well. But as soon as the Captain says"Of course not" I'd cut away from the actor, go to the POLARIS logo and leave the line.
Lots of strong material here. My advice is not to rush to crowdfunding. The decision as to platform is important. Kickstarter or Indiegogo? Some say if you don't use Kickstarter no one will find you. Others say that Axanar and Star Trek Continues have helped raise awareness to the site and it would be fine. I do like the fact that Indiegogo is not an "all or nothing" platform if you choose that option. I'd also advise taking a poll as to what "perks" people want and what is a fair price point. Also, add the subtitle option. The current subtitles seem to be automatically generated and they are a mess. I would also suggest making the opening title sequence ( the first 5-6 seconds) a bit more dynamic.
I hope this helps.
Dennis, the last scene seems fine but I had difficulty understanding what the female actor was saying. The effect added to her voice is a nice touch, and if I had a great speaker system, it might work just fine. As is, with my speakers, it doesn't work. Subtitles would clear this up. People tend to dislike subtitles in my experience. I love them. An easy fix is to reduce the effect maybe 30%.
Thanks, but two seconds of screen time for what?
The "they're everywhere!" shot in the trailer was a bungle on my part - I intended to have a story-point effect added to the actor's station display there, and just plumb forgot it in the middle of everything else this last month. I don't know that it make a huge difference, but it might have helped.
The "they're everywhere!" shot in the trailer was a bungle on my part - I intended to have a story-point effect added to the actor's station display there, and just plumb forgot it in the middle of everything else this last month. I don't know that it make a huge difference, but it might have helped.
Hi Dennis,
Maybe no one cares about screenwriters, but I'd rather donate to $25 to a project written by an established Trek writer than to a project from an unknown/unpublished writer. Take screen caps from your credentials and show them side-by-side, or dissolve one image into another. It means something to some people to have an authority on board.
Maybe no one cares about screenwriters, but I'd rather donate to $25 to a project written by an established Trek writer than to a project from an unknown/unpublished writer. Take screen caps from your credentials and show them side-by-side, or dissolve one image into another. It means something to some people to have an authority on board.
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Tin Man is by far one of my favourite Star Trek episodes. If I didn't know you, and wasn't involved, I'd donate on the strength of that alone.
I dunno, wee can be dangerous. Unless you like that sort of thing.``. The line is "'Weird' is dangerous."
I don't by the way. So from my perspective, yeah it's dangerous.
You're quite welcome. Should get you to sign my Blurays one of these days.Thanks.
Agreed, when I saw "Tin Man", I was like - hey this one actually comes across with a 'original Star Trek' aspect in that we have a non-perfect/non-well adjusted Starfleet character (Tam) who actually had believable issues (IE it wasn't contrived IMO). I also loved the way the Romulans were weaved into the mix.
