How would you respond to this?

[B.J.]

I'm only posting here in the open because I'm sure the others involved don't come here....

So, my son is getting married next weekend! She's a wonderful girl, and they have made each other quite happy. And to be quite honest, my wife and I are a bit relieved that he's matured so much in the last few years, especially since he was diagnosed with Asperger's (high functioning autism) and had severe emotional issues growing up. She has grounded him quite well, and he's been "adulting" very nicely!

The issue is his future mother-in-law. I have yet to meet her, but I'm really not looking forward to it. She literally said "he should be in a group home!" WTF?!? Now, his fiance doesn't have a good relationship with her mother, but why would she say something like that? If it were said about me, I could easily brush it off, but it's not easy for him to do that. I mean, saying something like that could destroy years of work on his self-esteem and emotional well-being. Not to mention it's insulting not only to him, but her own daughter, as well as my wife and I.

I really don't want to get into an argument at my son's wedding, but I don't think this is something I can let go. *IF* she says anything like this when we meet, what would you say?

 

[fireproof78]

I really don't want to get into an argument at my son's wedding, but I don't think this is something I can let go. *IF* she says anything like this when we meet, what would you say?

My first question is always "Why, if he is capable of being independent he should do so."

But, I also come at this from a personal and professional level. I have two developmentally delayed brothers still living at home with my parents, and two who have moved out (and two who are relatively normal). The needs of those who struggle will always vary and to limit their capability just because of a diagnosis is ignoring individual variety.

But, I'm a big proponent of individual choice, even when I strongly disagree. That is the nature of humanity.

 

[Victoria]

If someone made that kind of remark to me, I'd probably look as far down my nose as I could at them and say "what an odd thing to say". Then I'd talk to someone else.

The point here is the one you've made. You don't want to get into an argument at your son's wedding. Weddings aren't the time to go around challenging other people's prejudices.. Their prejudices are not your responsibility: not spoliing the big day is.

Even if her mother's behaving like an idiot, you have to behave like an adult. If she does make a remark like this, indicate you don't agree politely ("I don't agree" is fine) then either talk about something else or move away. That's it.

If you want to have a fight about it, do it some other time.

Anyway, I hope the matter doesn't come up , and that everyone has a lovely day.

 

[auntiehill]

If someone made that kind of remark to me, I'd probably look as far down my nose as I could at them and say "what an odd thing to say". Then I'd talk to someone else.

The point here is the one you've made. You don't want to get into an argument at your son's wedding. Weddings aren't the time to go around challenging other people's prejudices.. Their prejudices are not your responsibility: not spoliing the big day is.

Even if her mother's behaving like an idiot, you have to behave like an adult. If she does make a remark like this, indicate you don't agree politely ("I don't agree" is fine) then either talk about something else or move away. That's it.

If you want to have a fight about it, do it some other time.

Anyway, I hope the matter doesn't come up , and that everyone has a lovely day.

Agreed. The wedding is all about the couple and their love for each other. What any dumb-ass relative has to say is irrelevant. Take the high road and stay the hell on it, no matter what others may say. Ignoring attention hogs is generally always the best bet. I have a sister-in-law who is batshit crazy and never shuts the hell up, and I have mastered the art of keeping away from her whenever and wherever possible.

 

[Oddish]

I sympathize. Because I hold a position of trust (and have done so for 10 years), I ensure that no one at work is aware that I am on the spectrum. Even though the Social Security department, the state's DSHS, and the local university's Asperger's study group have all pronounced me to be effectively neurotypical (i.e. not autistic), my social skills are significantly compromised. Due to this, I worry that people will get the wrong idea, and I will either lose my job or get reassigned to something that would be more appropriate for a mentally disabled person*. And it's because of the same mentality as people like this, who open their mouth and demonstrate their ignorance.

My response to a statement of "he should be in a group home" would be either a simple "no he shouldn't", or else "if you knew more about the autism spectrum, you wouldn't say that". If you say the latter, though, be prepared to explain at length.


*This is not intended to denigrate such jobs. It pleases me that they exist, and allow people with mental challenges to contribute to society. But I do not belong in such a job.

 

[publiusr]

How sound is her retirement?

I ask because maybe she needs it explained to her that a time could come real soon when she might be in need of support…or be put in a ‘home’ herself…life alert won’t save you from retirement housing where TP has the consistency of sandpaper.

Who will take car of her then—once all bridges are burned?

One little stroke—one broken hip…perhaps speak these words to her in the most icy voice you can muster.

Or not…you could think something up more diplomatic than I ever could I’m sure.

 

[Oddish]

Sometimes it's better to think about saying something than doing it.

Remember that she may be speaking from ignorance rather than malevolence... once aware of the actual nature of autism, she might be embarrassed at what she said prior. God knows I've put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion.

 

[publiusr]

Same here. I have a gift in being awkward

 

[B.J.]

Just wanted to follow up here. The wedding went great! According to my new daughter-in-law
, it seems her parents were on their best behavior. Not really much interaction between us anyway, even at the Friday dinner. But good times were had by all, especially my son and his wife! Here's the venue, a ski resort overlooking Duluth MN harbor:

 

[DragonGnomes]

set phasers to stun.......

some people eh!