How to break up after 8 years

[Naira]

I am in need for some advice.

I have been in a relationship with a great guy for the past 8+ years. I love him dearly but it has come to the point where I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives. I know that letting the relationship go on can only make me miserable in the long run and, no matter how much I do not want to admit it, I know deep inside that I should end it.

This has been my only relationship and I have no experience in such things. Being honest and open and making clear the reasons why I cannot go on seems right. However, I do not know how to do it. I am afraid that it will be easy for me to get pulled back into the relationship because we truly love wach other very much.

Do you have any past experience in similar situations? Did you find a way to make things a bit easier emotionally?

 

[Timelord79 (he/him)]

Well, for what it's worth, my credentials are a 7 year relationship that reach it's expiration date some time ago.
I didn't initialize the break up, but when she did, it felt right to me, too.
So we didn't break up on bad terms precisely because we ended it when we should have.
These days we don't have much contact outside of the odd facebook message which is regretable a bit, but I guess the natural conclusion of things.
It just shows that we don't really have much to say to each other because of different life styles and interests.


So my advice would be, don't hold it back too long and don't try to sugar coat the truth too much.
Be honest and tell him, you didn't want it this way, but with the way you feel, you wouldn't do both of you a favour by pretending that all's well in the future.
Living an illusion just produces resentment in at least one of you.

 

[Deckerd]

I think TL is right. You might well find that he's been trying to pluck up the courage too.

 

[Captain_Nick]

Or if that's too hard, do it by SMS.

 

[Timelord79 (he/him)]

Or if that's too hard, do it by SMS.

No.

 

[2takesfrakes]

When the bottom line is, "I don't want you," there is pain associated with that rejection and it cannot be avoided. Offer to try finding him dates ... hooking him up with a girlfriend, or whatever else, like that. Be there for him in that sense, but always at arm's length, lest he will always foster the false-hope that you two can reconsile. If it is over, it is over. There is no need to be a bitch about it, of course there isn't ... but don't soft-pedal the truth, if you truly mean it.

 

[bbailey861]

Offer to try finding him dates ... hooking him up with a girlfriend, or whatever else, like that.

That is the funniest thing I have read all day.

Just be honest and be quick about it and if he starts whining, don't let it sway you on your decision.

 

[Captain_Nick]

You're informing him of a decision, not opening negotiations.

 

[Greylock Crescent]

Offer to try finding him dates ... hooking him up with a girlfriend, or whatever else, like that.

I'd recommend against this. Breaking up means moving on from one another and that cannot happen if you're immediately helping him forge his new romantic life.

Best just to be honest and firm in what you know is the truth: Your lives are headed on separate paths and you know that your future is not with him. It's not a commentary on either of you as individual people - it's a matter of fact. It's sad and unfortunate. But it's best to move on than find yourself living a life you are unsatisfied with. People rarely, if ever, fundamentally change who they are. So regardless of what he says, the chances are incredibly slim that he suddenly becomes the person you really will find that future with.

If you're calm, understanding, honest and firm ... then you'll be okay, even if he reacts emotionally.

 

[FPAlpha]

If you've reached this point the only way to do it right is like ripping off a band aid.

Make it quick, it will be much pain at first but in the long run it's better. There is no sugarcoating it or dancing around the topic.

Be honest to him about the reasons, try to be calm (easier said than done) and start moving on with your life, i.e. either one of you start finding a new place to live if you have lived together etc.

Good luck.

 

[Santaman]

Been, there, no its not easy, yes it will hurt, seems in your case there are no bad feelings, no hurt or anger, that will make it easier, not less painful though.

Talk, be honest, those are the keywords, my gf and I parted because of similar things and we've become good friend again like we were before we got involved romantically.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Also you could tell him that you do feel it is inevitable and you think it would be a disservice to him to drag it out it for more years just to avoid the pain.

 

[Naira]

You are all right. Well, as you have probably guessed, I do agree with you. It just feels so sad and really hurts to let go of my dreams for growing old with him and our future children.

Thanks for listening and offering your thoughts.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

You have my sympathies Naira, I know letting go of a future you hoped for is very painful.

 

[Santaman]

Wished I could make it easier for you or less painful.

Take care.

 

[Gaith]

I love him dearly but it has come to the point where I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives.

I don't mean to be accusatory, but if you feel this way, I would hope you two have had discussions about your future together, so even if he doesn't agree that your paths are definitely parting, he shouldn't be blindsided by a declaration of breakup, either, and if he is overly shocked, I'd hope it will have been his fault for being inattentive.

As for the actual moment, I'd think somewhere public and midday would be ideal, an outdoor cafe or city park if possible, to give him some time to process stuff while there's still daylight out and maybe time to arrange to commiserate with guy friends that evening if he feels like, with the public setting discouraging any kind of scene, and reinforcing the end of intimacy.

Anyhow, my sympathies.

 

[SeerSGB]

Next question: What if he wants to try make a go of it? Or Offers to adjust his goals/life plan to accomadate your's?

 

[sidious618]

As for the actual moment, I'd think somewhere public and midday would be ideal, an outdoor cafe or city park if possible, to give him some time to process stuff while there's still daylight out and maybe time to arrange to commiserate with guy friends that evening if he feels like, with the public setting discouraging any kind of scene, and reinforcing the end of intimacy.

No way. If they've been together for nine years he's going to be emotional no matter what.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Yeah it deserves more than a quick getaway plan.

 

[FPAlpha]

As for the actual moment, I'd think somewhere public and midday would be ideal, an outdoor cafe or city park if possible, to give him some time to process stuff while there's still daylight out and maybe time to arrange to commiserate with guy friends that evening if he feels like, with the public setting discouraging any kind of scene, and reinforcing the end of intimacy.

No way. If they've been together for nine years he's going to be emotional no matter what.

I agree.. breaking up is on the same level as sex and should be utterly private. It will be emotional and it should be unless there really is no passion anymore and it's like aquaintances/roommates saying bye to each other.

What would happen during such an emotional moment when the waiter or someone you know comes by?

Doing this in public is just a bit cowardly because it shows you fear the reaction and want to avoid it.. at best you are just postponing it with a mean trick.

Just sit down in the living room or kitchen and talk. It's hard but it's all there is to it.