Favorite/Hilarious Quotes From TOS?

[Gwenhwyfar]

What are your favorite quotes from this series? Any hilarious ones?

My favorite:

Kirk: "You'd make a splendid computer, Mr. Spock."

Spock: (Looks touched) "That is very kind of you, Captain."



Guess which episode that quote is from!

 

[Mr_Homn]

"Are you outta your Vulcan mind?" comes to mind first, but I'm pretty sure there were funnier.

Scotty's scene of drinking the andromedan under the table isn't just a single line, but it might be the funniest scene in the series for me, and it of course contains the famous "It's... It's... Green" line.

 

[Tan Ru]

Spock telling Kirk that he'll make a very convincing Nazi in that snazzy uniform and Kirk doing a double-take gander at Spock.

Love that old-school shtick..........

 

[Wingsley]

Scott
There's an old saying on Earth, Mr. Sulu: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Checkov
I know dis saying! It was inwented in Russia.

-- "Friday's Child"
(the looks on Doohan's Takei's and Koenig's faces are priceless, as is the music.)

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"Sir. There is a multilegged creature crawling on your shoulder."

 

[Jose Tyler]

Walsh. Leo Walsh. You destroyed me ship, Captain.

KIRK: Mister Walsh, I'm convening a ship's hearing on your actions. Mister Spock will supply you with any legal information you may need for your defense.

MUDD: You're a hard-nosed one, Captain.

KIRK: And you're a liar, Mister Walsh. I think we both understand each other. Security! Escort Mister Walsh to his quarters. Confine him there.

 

[Wingsley]

McCoy
Once, just once, I'd like to be able to land someplace and say, "Behold, I am the Archangel Gabriel!"

Spock
I fail to see the humor in that situation, Doctor.

McCoy
Naturally. You could hardly claim to be an angel with those pointed ears, Mister Spock. But say you landed someplace with a pitchfork...



and later...

McCoy
I'm trying to thank you! You pointed-eared hobgoblin!



and later still...


Spock
What did they do to you?

Kirk
They threw me a few curves... no time to explain...


--all from "Bread and Circuses"

 

[Smellincoffee]

"'Hip...hip...hurrah' -- and I believe it's pronounced, 'Tally-ho'."
"'Greetings...and felicitations.' Hmm."

Both Spock's lines from "The Squire of Gothos".

Pretty much anything McCoy drawls after breathing in the spores from "This Side of Paradise" is hilarious.("Hey Jim-boy, y'all ever have a real cold, Georgia-style mint julep, huh?")

 

[EnsignHarper]

One could argue that almost the entirety of The Trouble With Tribbles has some of the best wry dialogue Trek ever did.

From Kirk and Spock's testng Chekov's knowledge - which starts with the Standard Chekov Russian Joke " Ivan Burkoff " "John Burke Ensign" "I could have sworn...."

Kirk's battles with Nilz Baris: "I have never questioned the orders or authority of a Federation official - until now" "I'll hold you in irons if you don't SHUT UP!!"

Even Spock getting in a juicy line:

KIRK: Cyrano Jones? A Klingon Agent?

BARIS: Yes, Cyrano Jones Didn't you hear me?

KIRK: I heard you!

SPOCK: He simply could not believe his ears!

But THE best and funniest scenes in all of Trek, past, present and future: the bar scene, the fight, and then the scene after with Kirk interrogating the shore leave party. Superbly played by all - including Korax mimicking Scotty's accent

SCOTT: Laddie....don't you think you should.....'rephrase that?

KORAX: Your rrrrright I shoood

and the incredible scene with Kirk and Scotty:

KIRK: So why DID you hit the Klingon Scott?

SCOTT: They called the Enterprise a GARBAGE SCOW......sir!


Two seasoned actors playing it straight, but still incredibly FUNNY...

Where they'll be no tribble at all.......

 

[Geck]

I've seen it a dozen times, but the "Shut up, Spock - we're rescuing you!"; "Why thank you, Captain McCoy..." exchange from The Immunity Syndrome still makes me crack up every time. Especially when combined with McCoy's fierce nod and Kirk's little smirk and mocking nod in response.

 

[toudaimori]

— I seem to have a body which stretches into infinity.
— Body? But you have none!
— Then what am I?
— You are disembodied brain.
— Fascinating.

 

[boco]

Spock(to McCoy): I need your advice.
McCoy: Then I need a drink.

Spock: He reminds me of someone I knew in my youth
Bones: Why, Spock, I didn't know you had one

Dr. McCoy: Jim, if I'm ever in jail again, don't send that Vulcan to release me. Just let me rot.

 

[boco]

WMcCoy: Do you know what you get if you feed a tribble too much?
Capt. Kirk: A fat tribble.
McCoy: No. You get a whole bunch of hungry little tribbles
. Capt. Kirk: Well, Bones, all I can suggest... is you open up a maternity ward

Captain James T. Kirk: Mr. Scott?
Captain Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: [over intercom] Aye, sir?
Captain James T. Kirk: Did you find the engine room?
Captain Montgomery 'Scotty' Scott: Right where I left it, sir!

 

[kirsten187]

I love most McCoy lines but one of my favourites is from Shore Leave and is in my signature.

"My dear girl, I am a doctor. When I peek, it's in the line of duty."

 

[Mike Ram]

Kirk getting Spock mad in "This Side of Paradise", especially the beginning:

Kirk: All right, you mutinous, disloyal, computerized half-breed. We'll see about you deserting my ship.

Spock: The term "half-breed" is somewhat applicable, but "computerized" is inaccurate. A machine can be computerized, not a man.

Kirk: What makes you think you're a man? You're an overgrown jackrabbit. An elf with a hyperactive thyroid...

 

[Gov Kodos]

Patterns of Force

Spock: Your uniform, Captain.

KIRK: Yes, it's a shame yours isn't as attractive as mine. Gestapo, I believe.

SPOCK: Quite correct. You should make a very convincing Nazi.

Friday's Child

ELEEN: McCoy. Bring our child.

KIRK: Our child?

MCCOY: I'll explain later.

SPOCK: That should prove very interesting.

 

[A beaker full of death]

Three words: mechanical rice picker.

 

[NTRPRZ]

"Let's get the hell out of here." -- William Shatner, "City on the Edge of Forever"
Supposedly the first (but certainly not the last) time that phrase was spoken on network television.

 

[KirkPicard]

In "Day of the Dove":

SCOTT: We should have left those fuzz-faced goons in the transporter. That's right where they belong!

One of my favorite Garth rants from "Whom Gods Destroy"

GARTH: I don't want to hear any more. You're weak, you're trying to drain my strength.
KIRK: No, I'm not. I want you to find what you once had. I want you to go back to the greatness that you've lost, Captain Garth.
GARTH: I am Lord Garth! Master of the universe! You doubt me only because I have not as yet had my coronation.
KIRK: No, sir, listen to me. I
GARTH: Stop! On your knees.
KIRK: No.
GARTH: On your knees before me! All the others before me have failed. Alexander, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler, Lee Kuan, Krotus! All of them are dust! But I will triumph! I will make the ultimate conquest!

 

[WRStone]

"You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!"

- Montgomery Scott

Kirk: How long until we can take her out again?
Scotty: Eight weeks, sir. But you don’t have eight weeks, so I’ll do it for you in two.
Kirk: Mister Scott, have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four?
Scotty: Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker?

- Star Trek III

KIRK: Scotty, you said you could have her ready in two weeks. I gave you three. What happened?
SCOTT: I think you gave me too much time, Captain.
KIRK: Very well, Mr. Scott. Carry on.
SCOTT: Aye, sir. [Reacts to activity offscreen, takes a tool from his belt] How many times do you I have to tell you? "The right tool for the right job!"
MCCOY: I've never seen him happier.

- Star Trek V