The Emperor's New Groove: A Tale of Two Llamas

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Okay, so 19 years ago, I wrote my own "script" for a sequel to The Emperor's New Groove (before Kronk's New Groove existed.) Enjoy!

(Scene opens in the same clearing. We see the llama’s shadow in the rain. He is looking sad, but not as bad as he looked before. Zoom in.)
Kuzco (vo): Well, what do we have here? That’s right, it’s me-again. Emperor Kuzco. Bet you never thought you would see me here a second time, much less like this again. Unfortunately, these movie guys have their own brand of personal torture; it’s called a sequel. As usual, somebody has ruined my life. Actually, make that two somebodies. Don’t understand? You will. It started about 2 weeks back. And to any of you who say time travel is impossible? Stuff it, and just watch the movie.
(Fast forward, then stop. An old Kuzco is hunched over a cane. He has wrinkles, gray hair, and a long gray beard, and he’s shaky.)
K: (vo) Hey, I said rewind! (pause) Yuck, is that really me?
(Rewind sequence. It goes by very fast. We see a blur of color. Then it all stops. Close up on the palace, then pull back.)
K: (vo) Hey there. This is my palace, still the same as it always was, nothing different.
(Switch to an empty dark room. A flame moves over to an unseen torch and lights it. Suddenly, the whole room is visible. It is brightly colored and silent.)
K: (vo) Getting bored? (yawns)
(Music blares out of nowhere. Servants dash in and out of the room, moving tables, food, and putting up decorations.)
K: (vo) Hah! That’s more like it!
(People are dancing around all over the place, swinging each other and shaking. K comes out and swings around with Pacha’s kids. They are dancing and jumping all around him.)
K: (vo) See, this is fun. This (points to himself) was me. Okay, fast forward about a week.
(Fast forward random clips of palace life. Stop. We see Kuzco sitting in his chair, relaxing. He is drinking out of his glass.)
Kuzco: Ahhhhhh, nothing like a fruit cocktail to liven up your day. Wonder what year it is?
(An ugly kitten jumps on the throne, and knocks over his glass.)
Yzma: MRRROW! You forgot my scratching post!
Kuzco: ARGHHHHH! Lay off already! I told you half a million times, they were all out! (lifts the hem of his robe)Awwwwwww, look what you did to my robe! Citrus fruit is so hard to get out. (sly grin) Yzma, want me to throw you to the crocodiles? No, wait, I don’t have to. I could just get Pacha to do it. You know, ever since he started to come here more often, he’s been a lot more helpful.
Yzma: Don’t even think about it. Maybe I could just use you as my scratching post!
Kuzco: Then I’ll send you to live with my aunt Kiliyata. I hear she eats cats for breakfast.
(Kronk comes in with a platter. He has a dazed look on his face.)
Yzma: What’s with him?
Kuzco: Oh nothing. Ever since he started watching Matrya Strewick do a live cooking demonstration in the village square, he’s been like that.
Kronk: Here, I brought you some carrot stew. Matrya made some yesterday. (sigh) I love that woman.
Kuzco: See? He’s a fanatic. (looks down at bowl with distaste) Ummmmm, Kronk, what are these yellow things?
Kronk: Matrya! ……………oh, those things? I think that’s part of the cheesecloth I strained the carrots with. Don’t mind it.
Kuzco: BLECH! (He runs out of the room with a disgusted look on his face, choking up.)
Yzma: (laughs) Now he has another reason to get his robe washed. Kronk, what a good idea. We’ll drive him to bankruptcy yet, with that expensive cleaner he goes to. Good work!
K: (vo) Did you think Yzma was to blame? Well, good guess, but, no, it’s not her this time. Keep watching.
(Kuzco is retching in the background. He has his head over a bowl. Pacha walks in behind him.)
K: (vo) Enter person # 1.
Pacha: More poison? I should think Yzma had given up on that by now.
Kuzco: Ok, why is it that you always have to walk in on me when I’m at my worst? You always do. No kidding.
Pacha: Come on, it’s not like I want to watch you retch. By the way, you didn’t answer my question.
Kuzco: Huh? Oh, yeah, no, it wasn’t Yzma. Kronk’s pretty spaced out over his latest “love”; the local female cooking guru, so lately his cooking hasn’t been up to par.
Pacha: You mean Matrya Strewick? My wife loves her pastries.
Kuzco: (moaning) Oh, no, not you too! Anyway, he strained the carrots with cheesecloth, and, well,……
Pacha: Say no more. Chicha does that all the time. In fact, once she…
Chicha: Once I what?
Pacha: Oh, nothing……HEY! How did you follow me here without me knowing?
Chicha: It was easy. I just followed the extra-deep footprints. (kisses him)
P: Where are the kids?
C: Oh, I left them with the neighbor’s kids. They’re practicing tying knots together for the quiz Kronk’s giving them in a week.
Pacha: Oh, good. (snaps fingers) Kuzco, I just remembered what I came here to tell you. I was the first to get word of it. Seems some princess Minyaz is searching the land for prospective husbands.
Kuzco: (not impressed) That’s very nice, but what’s it got to do with me?
Pacha: This is one of her stops.
Kuzco: What? I don’t believe it! This is an outrage! This is a disaster! This is the end of my life! This is-this is…-(break. We see Kuzco wobble for a few seconds, then hit the ground with a large thud)
Pacha: Kuzco? Kuzco? You okay? (He kneels down beside Kuzco, and speaks loudly in his ear)
Don’t do that again. Awwww, come on, please don’t make me… (puts his ear on Kuzco’s neck) whew, he’s still breathing. (looks up at the sky) Oh, thank you, THANK YOU!
K: (vo) So, as you can see, my life has gone from bad to worse. And while Pacha was praising the powers above for my ability to breathe, his wife was a little more practical.
C: Hello! He may be breathing, but we need to wake him up!
P: Hey, Kronk, got anything for that?
Kr: Sure. Try this. It’s called horseradish. Very hot. (hands him a jar)
P: Ok. ( takes a spoonful out of the jar) Hey, Kuzzie, lunch time……
K: Doan wanna any lunch…(spoon goes in)MFFFFF! Gasp! (coughing fit) Ughh, I think I coughed up my sinuses! Who did that?
P: (whistling in the corner) ahem………
K: Ok, thank you. Aside from helping me break the world record for most phlegm hacked out in 10 seconds, and informing me about the latest plot to ruin my life, what’s next on your agenda?
P: How about a snack? Kronk is making some crackers and-
K: (interrupts) Watch it!
P: Liver spread.
K: Whew! That, I can do. Lead the way.
P: Don’t I always? (then to his wife) Come on, dear, we aren’t afraid of milk products like someone I know.
K: Lay off! The proper term is “lactose intolerant”. (fade-away sound) Oh, and by the way, how about some fruit juice to go along with it? I’ve got this great cocktail mixer that’s just, well, fab……..

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(New background, in the jungle. A caravan is parading through the clearings. There are four men carrying a blue tent on poles. Several llamas are carrying packs on their back, made of brightly colored cloth. Move in to the inside of the tent. A young woman, about Kuzco’s age, is sitting on a pillow-covered stool. She does not look happy and has her arms crossed. She is wearing a blue, knee length dress with short sleeves, and has short black bobbed hair, curled forward. She also has a crown on her head. Another young woman is sitting on the floor of the tent. Her hair is black and past her shoulders, and she is wearing it in 2 braids. She is wearing a lavender dress with a black sash, and is sewing a sampler. The tent is rocking, and various things are moving around inside the tent. The unhappy girl doesn’t seem to notice until a cup of water lurches over and spills all over her dress. )
M: Ahhh! (lifts up hem) Great. (leans over and opens the tent flap) Hey you! Stop rocking so much!
Pole Carrier: Please, milady, give me a break. My legs aren’t what they used to be, I’m afraid. All this walking, well…..
M: I don’t care if you have no legs! Stop rocking the tent!
(The other girl leans over and pulls her away from the flap.)
Z: That wasn’t very nice.
M: I don’t do nice, okay? Especially when I have to be carted all over the place just because of some stupid rule! (pouts)
Z: I know. Look, Minyaz, please try to be pleasant. You don’t want to make a bad impression on the emperor.
M: Well, it’s better than trying to be something you’re not. (pause) And now my dress is all wet. Talk about bad impressions. Being pleasant means more of this.
(Z keeps sewing on her sampler.)
M: Zurip, I just got home. I thought that Lanay thing was it. Little creep doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘hygiene’. And he calls himself a ruler. So, anyway, I cart myself home, safe and secure, where I can just be single royal Minyaz, plain old me, when suddenly-Gasp! I forgot one. Name of Jacuzzi-
Z: Kuzco, miss. I know his name better than you do, and you’re the one who’ll marry him.
M: Well, not if he turns out like the rest of those jerks.
Z: I don’t think he will.
(The tent rocks again.)
M: (sticks her head out) I said no rocking! What do I have to do to get you to DO IT RIGHT? (gets back in) Sheesh! Well, let’s go get it over with. The sooner the better.
Z: It’ll work out just fine. You’ll see.
M: If it doesn’t, (shakes fist lightly) he won’t be able to see for a week.
(Camera pulls out and back to reveal the caravan from behind. We see many servants and guards pushing along through the trees, and Kuzco’s palace is in the distance.)


K: (vo)That was person # 2. Don’t get it? Well, you’ll understand soon enough. She’s only about 5 minutes away from the palace by now.
(Back at the palace. Everybody is laughing around a table. Kr is serving a gelatinous goop to the guests, who have their eyes closed.)
Kr: Surprise! Open your eyes!
(Everybody opens their eyes and looks down at the bowls in front of them. They don’t look too hungry now.)
K: Ughh! I’m closing my eyes again!
P: Bad memories, huh? Those bug guts still give you the willies?
K: Tell me about it. Brrrrrrr!
C: Ummm, Kronk, what is this? It looks like the mold off a coconut! (taps her spoon lightly against the goop. It wobbles slightly.)
Kr: Jell-o, actually. But you’ve got the flavor right. Okay everybody, dig in!
K: I’m gonna be ‘dig-in’ my own grave in a few minutes.
Kr: Go ahead, try some. It’ll make you feel good.
K: That’s what Yzma says when she wants me to try one of her new recipes. But I trust you. (takes a spoonful and puts it in his mouth. He moves it around with his tongue a little, and sucks on it. Everyone is watching, Kronk especially, with a look of hope in his eyes. After a long bout of this, he swallows it with a loud gulp.) Hmmmmm, not bad. Not bad at all.
Kr: (relieved) That was the longest 10 seconds of my life.
K: Fascinating. I hereby declare this stuff free from potions.
C: Are you sure?
K: Well, look at me woman! I haven’t changed into anything yet.
C: Yes, but what if it’s a delayed reaction thing?
K: Let’s not get into that.
(A young servant runs in to the dining room.)
YS: My apologies for disturbing you at dinner, Your Highness.
K: Anytime. Penny for your thoughts. (turns to the others at the table) Would you excuse me, guys?
(The other 3 mumble “Sure” “Yeah.” “No problem.”)
K: Okay, what is it?
YS: The princess Minyaz and her caravan have arrived. (runs out)
K: Oh, uh, yeah, thanks. Send them right in.
C: (to Pacha) Let’s go.
P: What for?
C:To referee.
P: Good point.
K: (vo) So, the “great” Princess Minyaz is finally here. Well, break out the confetti and tie me to a log! What happened to personal ads? Notice I haven’t expressed any interest in finding a wife. Couldn’t she just ask before coming out here? Is that too much to ask? Huh?[pause] Oh, well, might as well “welcome” the hotshot.
(Kuzco walks into the main throne room through its back door. He dashes up the stairs to the throne and plops down in it. Pacha and Chicha walk in more slowly behind him. As soon as they sit down, the front door bursts open as two men carry in a bed-like object. Minyaz is sitting on it. She grabs the edge of the bed to keep from falling off of it.)
M: Not so fast! Slow down, you imbeciles!
(The two men stop, and lower the bed to the ground. Minyaz steps off of it.)
(Y comes in, strutting her stuff.)
M: Achooo! Get this, this- furball out of here! She’s acting up my allergies! Achooo!
Y: Oh, is this my new scratching post? It talks! Ahhhhh, the wonders of modern technology!
M: Certainly not! I am Princess Minyaz, from the kingdom of Takzu. I have come here seeking a prospective husband.
Y: Oh, yes, that’ s right. (licks her right paw) So, you’re Mooneyes.
M: MINYAZ! How dare you tarnish my good name!
Y: You think that’s bad? He (motions to Kuzco) calls you something even worse.
M: And what, may I ask, is that?
Y: Mini-
K: Ok, lovely talking with you. (boots Yzma out of the room) Now that you’ve met Yzma, Pacha here will show you to your room.
M: Really. Nice name. (looks at him as if sizing him up)
C: Ahem.
M: And who are you?
C: (passive) Oh, nobody. Just his wife.
M: Well, that’s one off my list. (P smiles up upon hearing this.) Not that you were ever on it, though. (P looks insulted.)
(Zurip comes in the room. She walks over to Minyaz)
Z: Miss, have you a lodging place yet?
M: No, but I will have a room soon.
Z: ( to Kuzco) Kind sir, could you tell me where my lady’s room shall be?
K: Oh, I don’t care, just choose one, eeeeeee, uhhhhhhh……- how about the blue room?
P: (whispers to Kuzco) But you don’t have a blue room-mmphh!
K: That’s the idea. It’ll keep her busy.
Z: Yes, sir, I will find it out immediately.
(Y is overhearing this. She walks over to a sleeping man with a paint brush full of red paint dripping on the floor. He is slumped on the ground.)
Y: (whispers) Psssst, wake up! (shakes him awake) I’ll give you 20 gold coins if you do one little thing for me.
Worker: (groggy) What?
Y: Paint the south guest room blue.
Worker: Shouldn’t it be the emperor giving me orders, not-
Y: 50!
Worker: (greedily) Blue, huh? No problem! (runs off to do the job)

(Scene changes after some passage of time. Zurip comes back into the main hall.)
Z: I did as you asked.
K: And that was?……
Z: I moved my lady’s things into the blue room.
K: You what?
Z: Only what you asked me to.
K: (almost chokes) Why don’t you, uhhh, show me the room?
Z: Quite a strange request.
(K follows her into the room)
K: ACCKK! There’s only one person who could’ve……YZMA!
Y: You called?
K: I SCREAMED! What have you done?
Y: Oh, nothing, just a little,………redecorating. I hope you don’t mind.
K: Mind? MIND? Why, I oughta……wring your neck!
Y: Be quiet! It was no fair for that poor girl!
K: Great, you picked now to have a heart.
Y: Well, why not?
K: (dejected) Yeah, why not. (pause) I’ll have a word with you later. ( He walks off down the hall, and hears some off-key singing in the kitchen. He sticks his head in the door and sees Kronk stirring a bowl of something.)
Kr: (singing) Matrya, if you were mine, I’d bake with you, side by side, cooking king and queen, you and me, it would be my fantasy,……
(Kuzco covers his ears and looks annoyed. He continues down the hall still covering his ears.)
K: (vo) Everything is going wrong. See what I told you? I don’t lie. First Minyaz comes to wreck my otherwise perfect life, then Yzma bribes a worker to paint my best room blue, and, lastly, Kr can’t stop mooning over Matrya-what's-her-face! I tell you, there really is no justice in this world!

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Quick scene change. We see an outdoor courtyard. Kuzco and Pacha are sitting in chairs. Kuzco is sipping a delicate glass of wine, while Pacha is nibbling on crackers. Lazy music plays in the background. Pacha sits up to grab another handful of crackers.)
P: You know, she likes you.
K: Who?
P: Minyaz.
K: What?! How can she, like me? Is this really you, Pacha, that I’m hearing? (picks up cracker bowl, takes one out and studies it very closely) There must be something in the crackers. Have you seen Yzma around here recently, carrying a vial?
P: No! Will you stop it? I’m serious!
K: So am I. But she’s not. She treats her position like a big joke! Using her influence to just get what she wants, making threats to anyone who doesn’t do what she wants immediately, without question! She hands out penalties like some people hand out free samples! Worst of all, she’s rude to everybody, insults people at the drop of a hat, and just acts immature!
P: (mmmmmpppphhhhhh!) I think I see the problem. (snort!)
K: What’s so funny?
P: The problem is, she’s so much like you that you can’t stand it!
K: No way!!!!!
P: Yes way!
K: No!
P: Yes!!!
K: Impossible! I don’t believe it!!
P: You’d better, because it’s true!
K: NO! Look, just because she’s rude, bratty, annoying, childish………eh-heh-heh-…heh……okayyyyy, maybe she’s a little like me……
(Minyaz comes out onto the terrace.)
M: What are you doing here?
K: Well, hello, I own this place, it’s my palace, and that entitles me to free run of it. You, on the other hand…you’re a guest. Since you have no financial interest in my happy home, I can treat you however I want.
M: You are the rudest person I ever met! You have no consideration for fellow humans!
K: Why, Minyaz, my darling, I had no idea you talk to yourself.
M: What do you mean?
K: Why, that comment you just made surely couldn’t be meant for me, could it?
M: GRRRRRRR! I came out here to relax!
K: So go ahead and relax, nobody’s stopping you.
M: You are! I’m going to my room! (leaves)
K: Go put on a mudpack, you could use one, Mini-a-
M: (voice) I’m leaving tomorrow!
K: Good riddance!!!!!!!
P: Take it easy, calm down Kuzco, take deep breaths……
K: Oh, be quiet! And finish your crackers! (dumps bowl over Pacha’s head and runs into the palace)
P: (lounges back in the chair)They’re perfect for each other. Those two have everything in common. (sigh) If only they knew……(pause) (sits up quickly) Waitaminute! Not quite everything………(Minyaz’s words repeat: “I’m leaving tomorrow!”) but I’d better work fast.

(Scene change. Minyaz’s room. She is sitting up on her bed, as Zurip combs her hair with a finely carved animal bone of some kind.)
M: Oh, Zurip, what can I do? I haven’t found a single one of them to my liking.
Z: As haven’t I, miss, but there is someone for you out there. Maybe you will like the emperor better with time. Some fruits take longer to ripen than others.
M: And some go from green to rotten. (hands Zurip a ribbon) I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
Z: Your attitude, perhaps?
M: What do you mean?

Z: Just that you’ve been acting very rude to Kuzco and everyone else.
M: Well, that’s his fault! He’s always finding ways to make me mad! He finds out everything about me, and acts like my very existence is an insult to him! People like that aren’t worthy of respect! And, as for that cat creature,-
Z: Yzma.
M: Yes, thank you. As for Yzma, she acts up my allergies!
Z: You know, you and Kuzco would make a nice couple!
M: Bite your tongue! I’d rather have a wild beast for a husband than that low-life scum! I-
Z: You’re smiling.
M: What’s that supposed to mean?
Z: Just that you’re lying.
M: What? I’m not lying!
Z: Minyaz, I’ve known you since you were 3. Don’t tell me I don’t know when you’re not telling the truth. I can see it in your eyes. You care about him.
M: No more of this! Finish with my hair!
Z: (sigh) Fine. As you wish.

(Scene change. Dinner table again. Minyaz is eating at the table with Kuzco and Kronk.)
K: Hey, Kronk, what is this white stuff?
Kr: Matrya……what?
K: This white stuff. (points to his bowl of stew)
Kr: Oh, that! Glad you asked! Those are dumplings. Matrya showed me how to make them. Did you know she wrote a whole book on how to make them?
K: Enthralling.
M: Pass the salt?
K: What’s that? I can’t hear you; I’m using the salt and it’s making a lot of noise.
M: Ooooooohhh, just pass it!!!!!!!!!
K: Pass what?
M: The salt!
K: Sorry, my hands aren’t free right now; I’m using the salt.
(Minyaz runs up and grabs it)
K: Hey! I was using that!
M: It’s my turn now!!!!
K: Give it back!!
(They fight over the salt. K pulls the cap off the shaker and flies across the room. Salt spills everywhere)
Kr: That is not good.
K: You spilled the salt!
M: No, you did!
(P watches in the background, smiling.)
K: You grabbed it right out of my hand!
M: You wouldn’t let me have it!
K: That’s rude!!!
M: Speak for yourself! I didn’t exactly appreciate your little “I-can’t-hear-you-the-salt-is-making-too-much-noise” game either!
(P starts to laugh.)
K: Don’t sneak up on me like that! What are you laughing at?
P: (laughing voice) I can’t decide whether you sound more like two children or a married couple!
K: Wha……Yuck!
M: Ewwwwww! Don’t even think about it! That’s the grossest thing I ever heard!
P: I changed my mind; definitely children.
M: I’ve had it! And don’t save my meal for me! I’ll eat tomorrow, at home! (exits)
K: I’m going to bed. I can’t take this any more. She wore me out.
Kr: Hey, you can’t leave!! What about dessert? Chocolate cake with coconut flakes! Come on!
K: Save it for someone who cares. (exits)
Kr: I can’t believe they deserted dessert! (sigh) Want a slice?
P: (sits down in a chair) Sure.
Kr: I’m glad there’s still someone here.
P: Wait, I’m sorry, I can’t after all. (gets up hurriedly) Save me some, ok?
Kr: Yeah, all right.
(P exits)
Kr: (sigh) All alone………sayyyyy, I wonder what Matrya’s doing tonight? (gets up. He looks in a mirror, takes off his hat and flattens his hair, puts his hat back on, checks his teeth for food, then smiles at his reflection and dashes off.)

(Scene change; dream sequence. A black swamp appears, with fog. All is silent, until………
A cat jumps out of the brush and screams in terror. Behind it is a big, fat woman with K’s face. She is holding a knife and fork, and is licking her lips. She sings,
“Cats for breakfast,
Cats for lunch,
Cats for supper,
Munch, munch, munch.”
The cat jumps into the screen, screaming again, and -)
Y: MRRRRRROWW!! (heavy breathing) (pause) I have got to stop having these nightmares! (She grooms herself.)
P: Pssssssssssssss……………
Y: What’s that? Must be the water pipes.
P: Hey, Yzma, it’s me.
Y: Oh, the blimp! (pause) What do you want?
P: I need a favor from you.
Y: A favor? Prrrrrrrr, and what might that be?
P: It’s a long story.
Y: Well, make it quick! (pause) I hope you’re not here for aspirin. If you are, I’m all out!
P: You're selling medicine now?
Y: Yes, it helps with the loose ends.
P: Ok, you know how Princess Minyaz is visiting?
Y: Of course I know that! Cut to the chase already!
P: They have so much in common, except for one thing. And that’s where you come in.
Y: What is that one thing?
P: Only Kuzco has had the “llama experience”.
Y: Oh, yes, that’s right, how silly of me! So, it’s a potion you want……single or double pack?
P: Double, if it means enough for two people.
Y: (annoyed) Of course.
P: Great! How soon can you make it?
Y: By tomorrow.
P: But I need it tonight!
Y: Pushy, pushy. Tell you what, I’ll give you the ingredient list. You’ll have to find them yourself.
P: All right, fine.
Y: Now about payment…
P: (reaches into a pouch) Sure. Here’s 10 gold coins.
Y: Ahem?
P: 20?
Y: Oh, you’ll have to do much better than that.
P: 50! That’s my last offer.
Y: Oh, I don’t want money, silly.
P: Then what?
Y: Change me back into a human!
P: What?
Y: No change, no recipe.
P: But…… I can’t do that! Kuzco would never forgive me!
Y: You’ll never forgive yourself if you blow his one chance to be happy. (winks at him) Sooooooo…..?
P: All right.
Y: Here’s the list. (hands him a rolled up leaf of paper)
P: (starts to leave) Thanks.
Y: No problem. But remember……..
P: Don’t worry, I will. (exits the lab)
Y: He’s gone. Now to order those ingredients for aspirin.
(Musical sequence. P looks at the list and runs off.
P asks Kr for a spinach puff. Kr smiles and trots off to the kitchen. He comes back with a silver tray, covered. Bowing, he lifts the lid and there sits a single puff. P takes out the spinach and runs off, waving thanks. Kr looks at the tray, and goes into shock. He points at the pastry shell, shaking all over, then faints.
P is plucking a single hair from each of the llamas in the field. They make various snorting noises as he pulls the hairs out. He reaches down. We can’t see what he pulls, but it lets out a really high-pitched screech. His wife stands up and glares at him, rubbing her head. He tries to apologize.
P pulls twigs from brooms, plucks grass, digs up dirt, and samples lemon juice.
He goes to Minyaz’s room and puts a drop of her perfume into a cup. He does the same with K’s cologne.
P files a small shaving from K’s crown. He leaves. K puts it on, and it falls apart and off his head, 1 half in each hand. He sighs and tosses the halves over his shoulder. They make a clunk sound on the floor.
P goes down the list, making check marks beside the objects. He checks the last item and clutches the list to his chest with a sigh of relief. End of sequence.)

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene change. P is standing alone in a bedroom. He is mixing a liquid.)
P: At last, it’s done. (pause) How am I going to get them to drink it? (He rubs his eyes, then looks around the room. Camera reveals a bed, sheets, and an empty set of maid’s clothes. ) I’ve got it!

(Scene change, Minyaz’s room. Minyaz is lying on her bed, playing with a lock of her hair. Pacha walks in wearing the maid’s outfit. He is holding a tray with two glasses on it.)
P: (falsetto) Miss?
M: You’re not Zurip, what are you doing in my room?
P: Ummmmm,……the emperor thought you might like a bit of a drink.
M sarcastically)How thoughtful of him. Leave it on the table.
P: Yes, milady. (Pacha leaves the drink on her night table. He carries the tray to the door and leaves the room.)
M: Well, I wonder what’s in here……oh, I guess it’s fruit juice. (lifts cup and drinks) Mmmm, he may not be very nice, but he has an excellent taste in drinks. Tastes like pineapple……(Yawn) What a day! That louse wore me out! (stretches out on bed) I’m so tired. Yawn. (falls asleep with clothes on and covers off)

(Scene change. K’s room. He is stretched out on his bed.)
Ksigh) P’s so wrong. Sure, me and Minyaz may be alike, but hey, big deal. Me and Kronk may both like lemonade, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him!
P: (falsetto) Your highness?
K: Who’s there?
P: One of the serving-girls. You seemed to be have trouble sleeping, so I brought you a drink.
K: Thanks, I guess. Put it over on my bed tray.
P: As you have asked, so shall I obey.
K: (stares at Pacha, quizzically) Say, you look familiar, have I seen you before?
P: (nervous tone of voice) Perhaps you’ve seen me at one of your banquets.
K: Perhaps. Want a tip?
P: (confused) A what?
K: A tip. A coin. Money
P: Oh, no thank you, sir. It was my pleasure.
K: (surprised) Wow, you’re the first one who ever said that. Tell me your name; I’ll give you a raise.
P: Please, don’t bother.
K: No, really, tell me your name.
P: Ummmmm(thinks “Think fast, P, think fast……”) -Kimzie (thinks “I hope there really is someone with that name!”
K: No problem, Kimzie, I’ll do it tomorrow.
P: Enjoy your drink.
K: I will. Thanks.
(P leaves the room. He runs down the hall and into the room he was in when he mixed the potion. Once in the room, he slams the door behind him.)
P: Whew! That was a close one!!
(Minyaz’s room. Minyaz is talking in her sleep.)
M: (mumble, mumble, snort) Aaaaaammm, duty, it’s your duty, mmmmmmmmm.
(Minyaz stretches out her legs in bed. One of them changes and grows all furry, and a hoof grows on her foot.)
M: Duty, to the kingdom, to your people,ahhhmmmmm……
(Minyaz mumbles some more, and her head changes into a llama’s head.)

(Scene change. Kuzco is in bed too.)
K: Tomorrow is another day. (groan)
(Kuzco transforms too, but much quicker than Minyaz or than his first change in the previous movie.)
K: Ahhhhhhhmmmmmmmm……
(He tosses and turns.)

(Scene change. It is late, around midnight. Pacha walks through the door to Minyaz’s room, back in his clothes and pulling a cart. He walks over to her bed.The transformation is complete. Pacha picks her up, gently, like one would carry a baby.)
P: Boy, you’re light. Come on Minyaz, you’re going for a ride. (He lifts her onto the cart, and covers her with a blanket.) I sure hope I don’t get caught. (Pacha pulls the cart out of the room. He shuts the door quietly. Zurip is coming down the hall. She sees Pacha and walks up to him.)
Z: Excuse me, but what are you doing in my lady’s room?
P: Oh, ummmm, I was just taking out the laundry. The maid who usually takes care of that job is sick.
Z: Don’t bother yourself with that. I’ll do it.
P: No, I’ve got it covered. You just rest. All that travelling you’ve doen today must have made you tired.
Z: No, really, it’s my job.
P: I insist. And I’m sure Kuzco would agree.
Z: Thank you, you are very kind. (starts to go into Minyaz’s room.)
P: Wait! (Zurip turns around.) Choose a room for yourself; there aren’t any extra beds in there.
Z: You’re so nice. I shall tell my lady of your kindness. No doubt she will reward you.
P: Tell her thank you for me.
Z: As you wish. (She walks down the hall into another room.)
(P goes into Kuzco’s room. He,too, is completely transformed. Pacha picks him up as he did Minyaz, and strains under the weight.)
P: Oooof! What have you been eating? (puts him under the blanket. Pacha leaves Kuzco’s room, pulling the cart.)

(Scene change. Pacha is pulling the cart out the palace doors.)
Guard: Halt! Who goes there? (shines a torch in Pacha’s face) Oh, it’s just you. (motions to blanket) What’s under that blanket?
P: Laundry. My wife is doing some for the emperor. Seems we get better weather up on the hill; Kuzco can’t dry a thing up here ‘cause it’s too wet.
Guard: Ok, no problem. Thank you, and come again!
P: What’s that for?
Guard: Oh nothing; just trying to be polite.
P: I guess Kuzco’s new attitude has rubbed off on everyone up here!
(Scene sequence. Pacha walks through various areas of the jungle[kind of like when he came home in the first movie], and finds a clearing.)
P: This should be far enough………I hope. (He lifts Minyaz off the cart and arranges her in a comfortable position.) Off you go.
(Pacha makes his way to another clearing about half a kilometer away. He unloads Kuzco.)
P: Just wait til they wake up! What a sight! (pause)This better work. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do.
(Pacha walks away.)
(Start at the bottom of Pacha’s hill. Laughter echoes from Pacha’s home. Zoom in to the door, and switch to see Pacha’s back. He is sitting around a table with his family. Tipo is standing up on his chair, and Chaca is leaning on the table. Chicha is feeding the baby from a clay bowl. The baby is clapping its hands.)
Tipo: Oooh, I got a good one! What do you call a llama that bites people in the neck?
C: I give up, what?
T: I’m not telling you!
Ch: Is that it? You are no good at jokes!
T: Ha ha! Just kidding ! Dracullama !
Ch: (groan) Where do you come up with these things?
T: Daddy told me that one.
Ch: You stole it!
T: Did not!
Ch: Did so!
T: Not!
Ch: So!
T: Not!
Ch: So!
T: Not!
Ch: Daddy, he’s plagiarizing your joke!
P: (laughing) You two fight over everything!
Ch: Bet I can think of a worse joke!
T: Can not!
Ch: Too!
T: Not!
Ch: Can too! Here goes,……what is little, green, furry, and doesn’t taste nice?
T: What?
Ch: A llama bean!
T: Ohhhhhh, that’s bad! Nice one!
C: Ok, now, you had your fun. Now eat those peas, you two. Oh, dear, why were you so late tonight?
P: Ahhhh, ummmmm,……I was……taking the long way home, nice weather today.
T: Where have you been, Dad? It’s raining!
C: Yeah, (teasing) Dad.
P: I like the rain. It calms me. (winks at C)
C: Really. (pause) Ok, kids, go up to your room. Daddy wants to talk to me.
T: But I want to tell him about the berry patch I found!
Ch: And I want to show him the flowers I picked today!
C: You can do that in a few minutes. I just have to speak with Daddy for a minute or two.
T and Ch: Ok. (Tipo and Chaca climb up the stairs to their room.)
C: Now, what did you want to talk to me about?
P: I didn’t take the long way home.
C: I can see that. What’s on your mind?
P: I kidnapped the emperor and Minyaz.
C: You what? What do you mean?
P: Just what I said.
C: What were you thinking? Do you honestly believe nobody’s going to notice? Why did you do it?
P: Slow down, it’s a long story.
C: Oh, I can’t wait to see what kind of excuse this’ll be.
P: They are so much alike! There’s only one thing that separates them; Kuzco is the only one of the two who’s been a llama!
C: Really? I kinda noticed tha- waitasecond! What did you say? Oh, you didn’t!!!

P: I did.
C: Do you realize what this means? You’re a criminal now.
P: Well………….
C: Look. I’m not sure if I agree with what you did. But because you did it with the best of intentions, I’ll support you. And you know, they would make a cute couple.
P: Exactly! Considering their present attitude, I just hope they can make it through without killing themselves.
C: Or each other.
K: (vo) Well, well, I didn’t believe he had it in him. And, worst of all, I was trapped with Mini- I mean, Minyaz! What could possibly make this day worse?

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene change. Early morning. We see a clearing with shrubs surrounding it. A female llama is sleeping under a bush. There are sounds of birds chirping.)
M: Yawn! Mmmmm……… all right, all right, I’m- awake? What am I doing here? Where’s the bed? Where’s everything? Yawn! Must be a dream. Sure is weird. Ohhhh, I’m so thirsty! Might as well get a drink. (walks on four legs)
(Meanwhile, Kuzco wakes up in another clearing.)
K: Whoa! Ok, what just happened? I think something is very wrong here. (looks down at hands) Oh, no! No, no, no! It can’t be possible! I mean, once was enough, but twice……? Great, I wonder what’s in store for me. (yells) Yzma? You are in so much trouble when I get back!
(Scene switch to Minyaz)
M: Huh? Ok, why am I walking like this? Silly me. (continues) My throat’s so dry………(walks over to pond and gulps a mouthful of water) Ahhhhh………AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! What the-what the-No way! This is not happening, this is not happening! No,no,no,no! I’m an ugly animal and I’m supposed to be a PRINCESS!!!!! And I was so BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!! Wha-ha-ha! (Minyaz throws herself down on the ground and lies on her right side. She curls up in a ball and kicks her feet up and down, sobbing.) I don’t want this! No, no, NO! The gods are punishing me! I was SO PRETTY!!!!!!
(We see Kuzco walking through the bushes. He hears Minyaz’s screaming sobs.)
K: Whoa, what’s that? (He walks towards the source of the sound.)
M: I WANNA BE ME! NOT A LOWLY PACK ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Kuzco walks into the clearing and sees Minyaz sobbing. He studies her for a minute, then walks toward her and nudges her.)
K: Is something wrong with you?
M: Pardon? (looks up)
K: I said, is something wrong? (turns his head and speaks to self) Well, that’s a stupid question.
M: Wha-what do you mean?
K: What do you think I mean, llama-gal? You’re having a panic attack!
M: (gets up and studies his face a little) Wait a second, don’t I-
K: (stares at her) Do I know-
M: Kuzco?
K: Princess Minyaz?
Both(in unison): What are you doing here?
M: I don’t believe it! I just don’t believe it! I’m stuck out here with my worst enemy, and I’ve been turned into a hideous beast!
K: Yeah, life can’t get any worse than this!
M: You said it. Well, so long!
K: What do you mean, so long?
M: Excuse me, but I can handle this my own, thank you very much! I am a strong, independent women! I-I-ACHOO! (congested voice) Great, I’m allergic to my own fur. Just what I need! (wipes her nose with her hoof) But anyway, as I was saying, I am strong, ind-
K: Whoo-ee, and you smell rather strong, too!
M: Pardon?
K: Heh-heh……nothing, never mind.
M: Good. I’m going on my own.
K: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
M: And why not?
K: It’s trouble out here, real trouble. (vo) Now where have you heard that before? (end of vo) There’s quicksand, poisonous plants, steep cliffs,… (vo) Ever tried to count on your fingers with only two? It’s not easy. (end of vo)
M: I don’t care. I’m brave enough.
K: Fine, go and get yourself in trouble! I won’t be there to help you!
M: I don’t need your help. Take a hike! (struts off into the bushes)
K: (vo) If she thinks she can get away with that, she’s crazier than I thought. I know I learned my lesson.(pause) Hmmmmmmm……. watch me have a little fun with her.

(Scene change. Minyaz is walking in the bushes.)
M: Ha! If he really thinks I’m going to listen to him, he’s nuts! Like I said, I’m a strong, independent-
Noise: ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
M: Let’s try that again. I’m a strong, independent-
Noise: ROAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
M: Ok, ok, ok, I can handle this, I can do anything, I can-
Noise: RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
M: -get outta here! Arghhhh! (runs away and screams into a corner. A large figure approaches. It is covered in weeds and grasses.) No, pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease no, NO!
(The figure comes closer. Minyaz curls up and closes her eyes. The figure opens its gaping jaws and-)
K: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
M: YOU! (kicks him. Kuzco flies into a pile of brush. He gets up and dusts himself off.)
K: Guess you aren’t as “strong and independent” as you thought you were!
M: Don’t ever do that again!
K: You were scared.
M: No!
K: Admit it, it’s true. I saw you. You were crying like a big baby!
M: Was not!
K: Oh, yes you were! I can see tear streaks in your fur!
M: Fine, I-
K: You admit it?
M: No, I think we should work together.
K: Good.
M: But let’s just get one thing clear. This is only a part-time thing. I’m only doing this to get out of here. The partnership ends the moment we get back to the palace. That’s it. Dissolved. Finito. Understand?
K: Yeah, yeah, I got it. Now, let’s be on our way. I’ll lead.
M: Why not? You know this place, at least that’s what you told me.
K: Like the back of my ha - er, hoof.
M: Let’s just get going.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene change, Kronk’s kitchen He is stirring a pot of spaghetti. Zurip walks in to the kitchen. She is wearing a white dress with a black sash. Kronk sees her. He turns around and walks over to her.)
Kr: Who are you? A new servant? Oooh, let me guess, Kuzco hired you on……(thinks really hard) Friday! Well, am I right?
Z: (giggles) Not exactly. I am the princess’s handmaiden.
Kr: Oh, sorry. My mistake. Want to try some? (motions to spaghetti sauce pot)
Z: Sure. (takes the spoon form Kronk’s hand and puts it in her mouth) What did you do?
Kr: (sadly) You don’t like it?
Z: No. I love it! How much…ummmm……sugar did you put in it?
Kr: Sugar? Never! I put oregano, garlic, and onion powder in it.
Z: (walks over to the pot) Mmmm, smells really good. (She trips over a crack in the floor, and into the pot. It wobbles, then dumps all over the tiling.) Oh, no!
Kr: LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!! Nooo! (sniffles)
Z: (sheepishly) I’m sorry.
Kr: My-masterpiece. (sniff) And now it’s - nothing. (sniff) (Wipes a tear from his eye and looks up at her) Are you all right? It’s a good thing you didn’t get burned.
Z: I’ll help you any way I can. Would you like me to assist you in making another batch?
Kr: Sure, why not? Get me some tomatoes.
Z: No problem. (thinks to herself) He loves me!
Kr: I’ll see if I can find you a knife to cut them with. (thinks to himself) Good thing I got out of that one! Kuzco would never forgive me if I got a lawsuit on his hands!

(Scene change; some time later. Yzma is sitting on a patio chair, wearing sunglasses. She is sunbathing in a purple swimsuit.)
Y: If it weren’t for all this fur, this would be easier! (sighs) Can’t wait until Blubber Boy delivers the goods. Then, at last, I can go ahead with my plans! This’ll be all mine! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Kronk comes out, wearing a pair of shorts and a muscle shirt. He’s carrying a tray.)
Kr: I brought you some catnip!
Y: Kronk, I’m a human being in a cat’s body, not the Whiskas poster girl.
Kr: Whoops, sorry. So, what do you really want?
Y: Sit down! (points to a chair beside her)
Kr: (puts his hand on his chin.) Hmmmmm, never heard of that one before. I’ll have to look it up in my recipe book.
Y: It’s not a recipe!!!
Kr: Oh, ok. What do you want to talk to me about?
Y: Our plan will soon be a success! I’ve bribed Pacha to change me back into a human. The empire will soon be under my rule! I can’t believe how easy it was to get Kuzco out of the way!
Kr: Out of your way? I am not getting this.
Y: He and Minyaz are both llamas! And lost, to boot! Ha ha!
Kr: You’re going to get in trouble again. Remember how Kuzco sentenced you to mandatory time working in my kids group? That was like real torture for you.
Y: Don’t remind me. (pause) But don’t you see? I didn’t do a thing! He asked me for the potion. He’ll be under fire, not me!
Kr: Wouldn’t that make you an accessory to a crime?
Y: Will you stop watching those mysteries?
Kr: You didn’t answer my question.
(A loud shriek comes from inside the palace.)
Kr: That sounds like Zurip! (rushes in)
(Zurip is in Minyaz’s room. She has fainted beside the bed.)
Kr: Wake up! What’s wrong?
Z: ( hysterically) My lady, she’s gone! Gone! (sobs in Kronk’s arms)
Kr: It’s ok. They’ll find her. Don’t worry. Want a hankie?
Z: (grabs it and blows her nose) (snort!) Achoo!
Kr: I guess you must be allergic to squirrel fur. It’s molting season.
Z: I guess you’re right. Where could she be? Oh, Kronk, if anything happens to her, I don’t know what I’ll do!
Kr: I don’t know, but I ‘m sure she’s safe.
Z: She’s my friend.
Kr: I know.
Z: Thank you. Wanna make some donuts?
Kr: You know how?
Z: (crosses her fingers) No, but I’d like to.
Kr: Then it’s a da-I mean, ok, let’s go.
K: (vo) Wow! Kronk has a girlfriend aside from Matrya-the-perfect! Maybe he can take her mind off of Minyaz’s disappearance. Anyway, while Yzma was counting her chickens before they hatched, me and Minyaz had some different fish to fry. And, by the way, that doesn’t even make sense!
(It is raining in sheets. Minyaz and Kuzco are slogging through the mud, their hooves making a “muck, muck” sound. They are soaked. )
M: (snorting) Well, this rots. You know, I’m sure you’re rich and powerful enough, so tell me the truth; are you, or are you not paying for it to rain constantly?
K: Nope. That’s a service we provide for free.
M: Ewwwww, this place is all muddy! I must look like a mess!
K: Actually, you look worse.
M:Huh?
K: Nothing.
M: I can’t believe I agreed to this, even for a little while! There must have been something wrong with me!
K: And there still is.
M: (lifts her head) Hey, Richboy, I think I see a clearing. Over there!
K: Where? I don’t see anything!
M: Over there- (starts to sink into the mud) -hey, are you shrinking?
K: No. (pause) Minyaz, you’re in trouble nowwwww……..
M: What? Are you trying to scare me again? Well, it won’t work!
K: But this is a matter of life or death!
M: Ok, fine, what do you want?
K: You’re standing in some…..QUICKSAND!
M: What? Yipe! Help! Yagh! (thrashes violently)
K: No! Stop! You’re just making yourself go down faster!
M: But I can’t get out! Help!
K: No.
M: WHAT?!!
K: You can get out. With a little assistance from moi.
M: Oh, you had me worried. I thought you meant no, you won’t help me. Don’t scare me like that. (loudly and scared) JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE!
K: Keep yer fur on. (grabs a vine, and tosses it out to her. The vine breaks)
M: Lotta help that was. Got any more bright ideas, Kuzco?
K: Ok, ok, big fat whoop. I’m coming. (wades in to help her) Don’t worry, Your Stuckness. (sinks down) MLLLPH! OOMPH! Help! Oh no!
M: Good job, I’m very proud of you NOT!
Voice: Home, home on the hill, where the llamas and children run wild, where the sun’s in the sky, and when Kuzco visits, oh my, why, he acts just like a little child!
K: Hey, over here! It’s me! Kuzco! Help!
P: Well, well, if it isn’t Kuzco and a lady friend. Need a little assistance?
K: You could say that.
P: (grabs a rope off his cart) That’s why I always bring a rope with me. (throws it out to them) Let the lady go first.
M: Why thank you, I believe I shall. And the name is Minyaz, Fatso.
P: (feigned surprise)Not the princess Minyaz! What on earth are you doing all the way out here?
M: I don’t know. (climbs out) Here, Kuzco.
K: And where did you come from?
P: Oh. I was just taking a stroll.
K: A stroll. Complete with a week’s worth of supplies for 3.
P: Yeah. A stroll.
K: (climbs out) Okay, then. (whispers to P) Out with it! What’s the real story here?
P: (whispers) I’ll explain later. (louder) Come to my home for dinner, guys, it’d be our pleasure. Guests of honour.
M: Okay. AHHHH-CHOOO! I’m (sniff) starving.
(All 3 walk down the path)
M: Draw me a bath, I’m a mess! Yuck! (wipes some mud off of fur)
K: Even before the mudbath.
M: What?
K: Nothing.
K: (vo) Well, as you can probably guess, Pacha had more than dinner engagements on his mind. Nice, isn’t it? Your best friend, hiding something from you like that. What’s this world coming to, anyway?
(Switch to scene in throne room)
Y: (in front of mirror. She is trying on Kuzco’s crown.) Ouch! This thing is heavy! Kronk!
Kr: (comes in and sees Yzma) Yes? (pause) You know, you really shouldn’t be wearing that.
Y: And why not?
Kr: You’re putting a lot of strain on your head. It could lead to brain damage.
Y: Never mind that. How does it look?
Kr: Not good.
Y: Ahh, never mind, it will fit. The only problem is getting it over my hair.
(Smoke pours out of the cracks in the door.)
Y: What is that smell?
Kr: Smell? (sniffs the air) Oh no! Zurip! (runs in to the kitchen)
Z: Cough, cough, cough, cough! Whew! (fans smoke away with her dress)
Kr: Zurip! Are you all right? What did you do?
Z: I was boiling water for tea.
Kr: Boiling water? How can you get so much smoke from boiling water?
(Zurip looks all innocent)
Z: Oh, I don’t know. It happened so fast. Besides, a watched pot never boils.
Kr: But it can burn! (dashes over to the stove. He picks up the pot slowly, and looks through a huge hole in the bottom.) Ruined. I don’t believe this.
Z: I’m sorry. It wasn’t my fault.
Kr: This was my favorite pot, you know. I’ve had it since I was, oh about yay high. (motions to his waist.) I even remember the first thing I ever cooked in it. Mud pies. (smiles)
Z: I’m sorry.
Kr: Tell you what? How about you mix the ingredients for me instead? That is, at least until I have enough time to show you how to work the settings on the stove. It’s so unreliable.
Z: I’d be happy to.
Kr: Go get some fresh air. You need to clear your lungs.
Z: Sure, but I’ll be back. I can do it! (leaves)
Kr: Nice kid. Easy to love. Too bad she can’t even cook.
(Cut to Zurip, on the bed in her room. She is lying on her stomach, and her legs are in the air and crossed.)
Z: I can’t keep doing this! Every time I make mistakes, I make him sadder! Why did I ever think it was a good idea to pretend to be no good at cooking? I’m living a lie. How can I keep doing this?
Kr: (looks in through door) The air isn’t that fresh in a room with a shut door.
Z: ( jumps up off of the bed) AHH! Oh, you scared me!
Kr: Um, what was all that stuff you were saying about living a lie?
Z: Huh? Oh, nothing, I was just practicing for a play.
Kr: You into drama? Wow. I used to be in plays at school. Once I played a cute little asparagus in “Festival of Food” I was only 5 at the time.
Z: Really? Tell me more. (pats the bed beside her)
Kr: (walks over and sits down on the edge of the bed.Fade sound) Then, in Grade 1, I played a turkey leg in the Thanksgiving play. And I forgot my lines, almost, oh and there was this one time……
(Cut to Pacha’s house. The table is full of laughter.)
P: And so, I told him, no way am I going to pay 30 coins for one bag of flour! And he said, that’s a bargain compared to what you’ll have to pay every where else. I said prove it. He couldn’t. So I buy it from him, and then I walk down the street, and there’s this other guy, selling it for 10 coins. I go back to the first guy and say I want to return it. He says no way!
K: Thrilling.
C: What did you do next?
P: I tell him then lower the price. He says nothing doing. So finally I bring it home, because if I didn’t leave then, I wouldn’t have gotten home in time. And then, what do you know? I run into these guys.
M: Lucky us. This food is surprisingly good, considering what you have to work with.
C: Thank you.
T: Who are you? You’re funny.
M: The name’s Minyaz. And you’re a scream too.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Ch: You’re a llama too?
M: Not through any fault of my own.
P: Hey, Kuzco, let’s go out and talk for a minute while you guys finish eating.
K: But I haven’t finished either.
P: Now. (looks at him)
K: Oh, okay, yeah, I’m not hungry anymore. You guys go on without me (flashes a smile at Pacha’s wife) as hard as that will be to do, I’m sure you’ll manage.
M: Oh, please. I’ve been waiting for this all evening.
K: Although some of us may not be so appreciative of the pain of the loss of my presence, I am afraid I really must-
M: Oh just go already! (pause. To Chicha) So, where’s the quilt you promised to show me?
C: Oh, you must see it, it’s so colorful if I do say so myself, I worked all last summer on it.
Baby: Agglalagakuzagglagagaaaagggle
K: (vo) Hey, did anyone notice he mentioned my name in there? Well, only “Kuz”, but hey, it’s something. Smart kid.
(Cut to exterior, Pacha’s house. Kuzco and Pacha are sitting outside on logs. They are relaxing.)
K: So, what did you want to talk to me about? The birds and the bees? Really, I’m surprised you think I’m that clueless.
P: No, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. It’s serious.
K: And that wasn’t?
P: I really don’t know how to start this, but I guess I should ask you a question.
K: Shoot.
P: Do you remember a maid coming in around your bedtime and-
K: Hey! I object to the word bedtime! I am not a little kid.
P: Any way, she offered you a drink, and you took it.
K: Yeah-hey, how did you know that?
P: That was me.
K: What?!! You’re kidding, right? You? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! That’s a good one! You, dressed like a girl! I thought there was something familiar about her-I mean you. You looked even worse than I did at the restaurant! Wait a minute! Yzma must have put something in the cup, because look at me now! (moves hands down his body)
P: Actually-
K: You did see her, didn’t you? Aha! She must have given it to me and Minyaz. I knew it! I knew it!
P: But Kuz-
K: Aha ha ha ha ha! I’m going to fire her. Oh, and if I do have a maid by that name, I’ll have to take back that raise. And-
P: Listen Kuzco!! I gave you guys the potion!
K: What?!!! WHAT!!!!!!
K: (vo)Okay…this is where it starts to get bad…
K: I don’t believe this! How could you do this to me?
P: What are you talking about? I thought you liked her. You’re perfect for each other! Listen to me!
K: No, you listen! There is nothing going on between us! We aren’t even friends! She wants to get home and so do I! Nothing more, nothing less! Stop reading things that aren’t there!
P: Kuzco, you have to understand! I did this for you. I care about you.
K: Oh, yeah? What about ditching us together in the middle of nowhere? Is that more of your “caring”? I almost died out there without you! What makes you think I can do it alone?
P: You just said “us”. Kuzco, you’ve been including her in everything you do! Why do you save her if you don’t care about her? You could have just let her die, but no! You love her!
K: Well, there’s your Interesting Fact of the Day! Fascinating! I don’t love her, she doesn’t love me, and that’s it!
P: Fine, if you say so. Just mortal enemies who happen to be perfectly civil to each other for absolutely no reason at all.
K: I’m still mad at you, by the way.
P: Okay, be mad. I’m not mad at you, though.
K: Nice to know. Time for dessert. (walks back in the house.)
K: (vo) Well, that’s awfully sweet of Pacha. He turns me back into a llama - on purpose - and Minyaz too, and then leaves us without a hope. Still waiting for the crying scene? It’s coming.
(Later in the house)
K: Great pie. Was it apple?
C: No, actually, banana.
K: Oh. Very nice. Well, I think the two of us have to get back to the palace. (looks at Pacha) Alone.
M: Yes, we do have to be going now. (stands up and walks out of the house.)
T and Ch: (background, while skipping) There was a llama who could talk and Kuzco was his name-o, K-U-Z-C-O, K-U-Z-C-O,….
P: I don’t understand. Why do you want to be alone with her? (pause) Or maybe I do…….
K:EWWWW! No, what I mean is, I don’t want you coming with us. Okay?
P: Why not? What are you trying to prove?
K: I’m not trying to prove anything! I just want to go back home without you tagging along everywhere we go.
P: It didn’t bother you before.
K: Wait a minute………you…you-you were following us? Oh, this just keeps getting better and better! Next thing you know, you’ll be saying that Yzma’s in on this too!
P: Well….
K: I guessed right, didn’t I? Didn’t I? How is she in on this?
P: I-I-I-
K:-Out with it!
P: I promised I’d change her back into a human if she gave me the potion recipe!
K: (shock) What????!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!! This is too perfect! (pause) Come on, let’s go. (grabs Pacha’s crochet and tries to drag him)
P: But I thought you said-
K: I know what I said! You have to come and tell her you can’t do it!
P: I made a promise!
K: That’s treason. Punishable by death, if I remember correctly.(pause) Pacha, I don’t want to do this. You’re my friend. I’m giving you a second chance. Take it. What’s more important, your family and your life, or interfering with my love life?
P: I understand.
K: Hey, I don’t like what you did, but I learned from you. I learned that you can’t give up on the person who needs you most.
P: Then why don’t you do that with Minyaz?
K: She doesn’t need me.
P: What I see in her is a young girl who needs guidance and love. Zurip, her maid, has already shown her that, but she needs it from you, too.
K: I have no time for this. Let’s go. (head off down the road)
K: (vo) I’m not surprised. I’d expect anything from him. Too bad he got Yzma’s hopes up like that. What a shame. (pause) NOT!
(Passage of time. Kuzco is walking beside Pacha, and Minyaz is lagging behind.)
K: Hurry up!
M: I’m tired. I want to rest.
K: I’d like a rest from your complaining, too, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?
P: And I’d like a rest from you both.
M: Hah! That’s rich, coming from you! ‘Don’t always get what we want!’ Since when did you not get everything you wanted?
K: Since you got the bright idea to go searching the land for boytoys.
M: Well, hello, for one thing, it wasn’t my choice! It’s the law! And for another,- and for-
K: What might that be?
M: I don’t know. I just don’t know.
P: (spies cliff) Okay, guys, we’re almost-
K: Yeah,yeah, 1 more hour. I think you left your brain back on the hilltop, Einstein. Look. (points ahead. The cliff with no bridge is in front of them.)
P: (slaps forehead,and speaks as though it wasn’t intended) Ahh, darn it! Now what are we going to do?
M: What is it? Maybe you both left your brains behind. (Minyaz walks over to the cliff and steps off it. She falls.) EEEEYAHHHHHHHH!
K: No! (runs over to the cliff) Where’s the rope, I know we left a rope here…………Aha! (He grabs for the rope and tries to swing down. It doesn’t work. Instead, the rope breaks, and Kuzco falls down with Minyaz. They land much the way Kuzco and Pacha did, except they’re both upside down.)
M: YAGH!!!!!! (thrashes around)
K: (turns his head to look at her)Take it easy, gal.
M: Take it easy? TAKE IT EASY??? First of all, I’m hanging upside down, and second of all,those aren’t bunny rabbits swimming around down there!
(Pacha looks down at the two of them.)
Pcalling) Do the ‘rock walk’!
K: The what?
P: The ‘rock walk’!
K: What are you talking about?
P: The ‘rock walk’!! You know,…….(Pacha motions with his two hands, laying them backs facing each other. He makes the fingers ‘walk’ like legs.)
K: You gave it a name?
P: Yeah.
K: (incredulous) I don’t believe you! (to Minyaz) Hang in there, Mini, we’re gonna try something a little different.
M: Like what?
K: Grab my arms and walk.
M: Oh, a nice little walk. ( walks up the cliff. She sings nervously) I was strolling up a cliff one day.........
K: That's it. Don't look down. (walks with her)
M:..........in the m-m-merry merry month of-(looks down) gulp! M-m-m-may.....
K: Almost there.
M:......When I was taken by s-s-surprise, by a pair of ll-ll-llama eyes......gulp!.......(stretches to the max) Ack! There's no more of me left!
K: Hang on, relax. Think, Kuzco, think.........
P: That's where I come in.
K: Yeah, that's where you......(grabs P's hand with one hoof and M's arm with the other.) There, kid, I got you.
M: (clambers up the side of the cliff. She is huffing and puffing.) Houffgh, houffgh, PHOOOO! (looks down) Well, that got us nowhere.
K: Yeah, but at least you're off the cliff.
M: Yeah. Off. Off is good. I like off.
K: Let me guess, "4 days to the palace", right?
P: Mmm, hmm. Anybody hungry?

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene moves to restaurant. K and M are dolled up in girly clothes while Pacha sits in the next booth with his family. The waitress is standing there, looking at the two llamas.)
W: So, there's two of you?
Kfalsetto) Yeah, it's eee, uhh, Lady's Day Out. Chance to get away from the men. (smiles at Minyaz) Right, sis?
M: Oh, yes. My husband insisted I take a break. (K and M look at eachother. Both giggle.)
W: I see. What'll ya have?
K: I don't know. (lifts up menu) Ummmm, this looks good. But so does this-
M: (interrupts) Soup of the Day! We'll have two, please.
W: Excellent choice. Two Ipecac Specials. (walks off into the kitchen)
K: Well, that was brilliant!
M: What? You were taking too long to order!
K: Minyaz, honey, rule number one of fast food establishments; never order meals with vague names. Like 'The Special', 'Seafood Platter', (accentuates angrily) 'Soup Of the Day'!
M: Ohhh, well, maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised.
K: I doubt that.
(The waitress comes back and brings over two bowls on a tray. She sets the bowls down and uncovers them.)
W: Bone apple light. Or whatever the heck they say.
M: YEEUCH! (pushes bowl away) Is this what they do to people who don't pay their checks?
K: Told ya. The cook pukes in the pot on the same day they make "waste not, want not" the law.
M: Well, I'm sure as heck not eating this slop. Do you mind if I go to the ladies room?
K: Not at all. You made 20 pit stops in the last 6 hours, but that doesn't bother me.
M: Yeah, right. (M gets up and walks over to the bathrooms.)
K: Phew! I can breathe again. (K sees the waitress look at P, sitting with his family, then at K, then at P. She walks over to K.)
W: Now, honey, I'm sure you must be very upset.
K: About what?
W: It isn't easy to find out this way, but you shouldn't blame yourself.
K: What are you talking about?
W: (squats down next to K, and whispers in his ear) Isn't that your husband (motions to Pacha) over there? With another woman?
K: (in a low voice, to himself) Oh, man. (tips over a jug of water by accident on purpose.) (laughing) Whoops. Could you please get me some more water?
W: Sure thing, dearie. (wipes up spill with a folded cloth and removes the jug. She waddles into the kitchen. K gets out of his seat and walks over to the table next to P's. He sits in the seat behind P.)
Kwhispering) Pacha!
P: (likewise) What?
K: (laughing) You won't believe this. The waitress thinks you're cheating on me with Chicha.
P: (laughs) No kidding?
K: No kidding. Treat her like your sister from now on, okay? At least until Little Red Riding Hair stops meddling in our personal affairs.
P: Okay. (turns around and whispers something to C. She nods, laughs, and blushes.) (louder) Okay, sis ?
C: (punches him in the arm) No problem, bro.
(M comes back from the bathroom.)
M: Well, I am now thoroughly sick.
K: What, did they finally install mirrors in there?
M: Yeah, sure. No, I was washing my hands and I went to dry them, but all they had were paper towels. There wasn't even an attendant.
K: Hello, it's called public washrooms. I'm surprised you didn't bring along a portable toilet with you in the caravan.
(Kr walks in the restaurant. He is carrying a pet carrier.)
Kr: You know, it's a lot easier to tote you around when you're a cat, Yzma.
K: (shocked look) Oh no!
M: What? What's wrong?
K: Yzma.
M: The furball? She's here? So what?
K: So what? Wherever Yzma is, trouble isn't far behind!
M: Maybe she just wants lunch.
K: Maybe she wants us for lunch.
(Kr puts Y down at a table and walks up to the front counter at the restaurant. He snaps his fingers and someone looks up.)
Kr: (to self) Wow. I can't believe I can do that. (to server) Uhh, do you have any extra menus? Our table ran out.
Server: What kind? Color-in or regular?
Kr: (big smile) One each.
S: Okay, then, here you go. (hands him two menus) Would you like a bread basket and a jug of water to start?
Kr: Yeah. See if you can get those chewy dinner rolls. The big round ones.
S: I'll do what I can. (goes into the back room.)
Kr: (sits down at Yzma's table. He hands her the regular menu and keeps the color-in one. Taking a box of crayons out of his pocket, he starts scribbling on it with a red one.) Ilove this. (pause) Oooh, a crossword. "2 across........an animal whose fur is used to make clothes"............5 letters.....gee, that's a hard one. (scratches his head)
Y: Kronk, you're forgetting something.
Kr: What? You want a color one too?
Y: Open the cat carrier!
Kr: Oh, sorry. (leans across the table and opens the latch) There ya go.
Y: (walks out of the carrier) I certainly hope we didn't come here in vain, Kronk.
Kr: (coloring a picture of a bowl of soup) Don't worry, they'll be here. Customer loyalty.
Y: Are they here now?
Kr: (looks around the whole room, and spies a couple of ears) Unless some peasant thinks it's Halloween early, which of course is quite possible, given the fact that peasants generally don't have calendars, and might lose track of time-
Y: (grabs Kr's shirt collar) You see them?!
Kr: Urk-yes.
Y: Purrrrrrfect. Pacha's bargain is working in my favor. All we have to do is separate Kuzco and the princess, and poison them.
Kr: Isn't that kind of similar to our last plan? Which didn't work out too well on your side.
Y: I know that! I've learned from my mistakes.
Kr: Then, well, doing this and saying that..............isn't it kind of.........contradicting?
(Switch back to K)
K: What are we going to do?
M: I don't know. Eat? (grabs a roll from the basket at their table and stuff it in her mouth. She speaks with her mouth full.) Mmmm, at least they know how to make bread.
(Y's table)
Y: Ooohhh, thank the gods you weren't born twins!
Kr: Actually, I always wanted a little brother or sister. But my mom said no. One was enough for her.
Y: (sarcastically) Perceptive woman.
Kr: Uh, Yzma, what does 'perceptive' mean?
Y: Why should I tell you everything? Go look it up in the dictionary!
Kr: Uh, Yzma, what does 'dictionary' mean?
Y: (angry) GO LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY!
(Kuzco's table)
K: Think, think, think........(spies waitress. He dumps his soup out the window and motions for M to do the same. She does. K calls the waitress over.)
W: What is it, dear? (sees empty bowls and K and M's smiling faces.) Did you enjoy your meal?
M: Yes, it was too good to eat.
K: (falsetto) Yummy. (pause) See that cat over there?
W: The ugly one?
K: Yeah, that's the one. She's paying for our check. She said she would.
W: Oh, how nice. Would you like dessert?
K: Uh, no thanks. Gotta go. (grabs M's hoof and runs by P's table, grabs P by the elbow and motions for him to come outside.)
(Y's table.)
Y: They left! Come on, Kronk, we have to catch up to them!
Kr: (still coloring) Aw, Yzma, I just made up my mind what I want. They have the world's best bean soup here!
Y: Haven't you heard of take out? Come on! (starts to drag him out the door)
W: Here's your check.
Y: I didn't order anything.
W: Now honey, once you've made a promise to pay for someone, you can't skip out.
Y: Who?
W: The nice women at that table a few minutes ago. They ordered two soups of the days.
Y: Kronk, pay the bill.
Kr: Sure. (takes out change purse) How much?
W: $6.
Kr: Oh, darn, wouldn't you know it, I've got a hole in the thing. (wiggles fingers through hole) Sorry, Yzma.
W: Come with me, hon. (grabs Y by the scruff of the neck and drags her into the kitchen. A sink full of week-old dirty dishes sits in the middle of the room. The waitress hands Y a dishcloth. A fat, tough, old sourpuss woman wearing a white apron has her arms crossed in front of her.) This is Hulka.
H: (drill sargeant voice) Nobody's gonna get out of paying while I'm around! Okay, kitty, get to work! 1, 2, 3, 4, scrub those dishes even more, 5,6,7,8, get all the grime off of that plate!! Move it!
Y: (under her breath) Rrrrrrrrr!
H: I'll be back in 5 minutes! And I want to see half that load gone! Got it? (to self) I'd just like to see somebody try to skip out without paying! (walks out of the kitchen.)
Y: RRRRRRRRR!
(A male server walks in, flinging dishes at the sink.)
S: (calling) More dishes! (One dish knocks Y flying into the sink. A cloud of soap bubbles explodes and water streams down the sides of the sink.Dishes get knocked off the piles and crash to the floor, shattering. After a few seconds, Y surfaces, spitting bubbles. She leans on the sink counter, props up her chin with one paw, and punches the water with a tiny fist.)
Y: (fuming) Ooooh, I hate llamas!!

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene change, half an hour later. The way to Pacha's home.)
M: It's been half an hour. Are we there yet?
P: Not quite. But don't worry, we have plenty of time.
(K looks back. He sees Kr running along the path, about 5 minutes behind them. He is carrying the cat carrier.)
K: Not as much time as we thought! Run! (P and M look back too, and all 3 run all the way to P's house. You see C cooking stew on the stove. She taste-tests a spoonful. The two older kids are playing something like snakes and ladders. Suddenly, P looks through the window. C looks up.)
C: Pacha, you're home! (tries to kiss him and hug him)
P: (breathing heavily) No-time to talk. Yzma and Kronk are just down the path, and they're chasing us. Think of something while we go the back way.
C: No problem, dear. Love you. (P runs away. Kuzco walks up.)
K: Hello, Chi - cha! (grabs her hand and tries to kiss it) Making - (P grabs him) din-whoa! (M comes up next.)
M: I just noticed that embroidery on the wall. How do you make the stitches so - (K grabs her and pulls her away) -ack!
(C puts down the spoon and runs to Ch and T.)
C: Code Reunion. Now.
Ch and T: Ready for action!
(Kr and Y are at the door.)
Kr: (knocking) Hey, kids, what's the good word?
Y: Never mind that. Just ask them where the llamas are!
(C opens the door.)
C: (saccharine) Oh, hello, how lovely to see you again. Achoo! (blows nose)
Kr: Hey, uh Yzma was just wondering, have you seen 2 llamas? Well, one of them's Kuzco and the other's that princess chick.
C: Why, yes. Come on in. Achoo! Achoo! (Y and Kr walk in. Kr sits in a chair and puts Y's carrier on another. He opens it and she walks out.)
Ch: Achoo! Who is it, Mom?
T: Yeah, who-achoo!- is it?
C: Yzma and Kronk.
T: Kronk! Did you come for my dues? I-achoo!- forgot them last week. I won't-achoo!-do it again.
Kr: (plays with T's hair) That's okay, it happens all the time. Got a little cold?
T: You could say-sniff-that.
C: Oh, dear. I forgot. We're not supposed to let you in.
Kr: Why not?
C: We're quarantined.
Y: (coughing up a hairball) Ack-hack-ick-......come again?
C: Quarantined. I keep forgetting. (winks at kids. They scamper off behind Y and Kr's backs.)
Kr: (scared) Whatcha got? (sweaty and pale)
C: Llama pox. Very contagious, I'm afraid.
Kr: (even more so. He tugs at his collar and stutters.) H-h-how d'ya kn-now you've g-g-g-g-got it?
C: Well, first, you start sneezing explosively. (Ch sprinkles pepper in their faces and they don't see her. Y and Kr have a sneezing fit.) Then, you start feeling cold and sweaty. (T spritzes them with a watersprayer while Ch turns on an electric fan for a few seconds.) Then, lastly, you get spots all over your face. (Ch climbs up Kr's shoulders and sprays his face with red ink. T does the same to Y. Kr looks at the kids and C and sees they all have spots drawn on their faces. He runs to a mirror and sees his own face.)
Kr: I've caught it!
Ch: Then you'll have to stay here. Quarantine means nobody comes in and nobody comes out. (leads him over to a guest bed and pulls up the blankets.) That means you get to stay here and play with us!
Y: Stay.....here?
T: Yeah. It'll be a like a holiday! (runs over to Kr)
Y: But we're.........rrrrrrrrr!
Kr: (in bed) Gosh, guys, is it really serious? (T is taking his pulse and looking at a watch really seriously, while Ch is taking his temperature. Ch is straddling his chest, and T is standing on the floor.)
Ch: Yup! You might have to stay here for a week!
T: Maybe even two.
Y: I....uhhh...can't stay. We can't stay. I-we have to.......
Ch: Sorry! (grabs Y by the tail and stuffs her in the cat carrier.)
Y: Ouch! (Ch runs over and stuffs the thermometer in her mouth.) Mmmph!
Ch: Hold still, you'll raise your tempyrature. (takes out thermometer and looks at it) Wow, this is the highest temp I've ever seen! You're a critical case.
Y: Very critical.

(Scene change. K, M and P are running.)

K: How long do you think she can hold them off for?
P: Depends. Although since Yzma's not human, it's probably easier.
M: Okay, do we actually have a destination in mind, or are we ad-libbing it all?
K: (sarcastically) Uh, gee, I don't know. Where are we going? To the moon? To the afterlife? Oh, right, the palace.
M: Somebody's going to go to the afterlife if he doesn't hurry up!
(P's house.)
(Y is sitting in a pan of cold water, frowning. She looks like a drowned rat. Ch is wringing a sponge over her head.)
Ch: Mom always gives me a cold bath when I'm feverish. Stop squirming! (gets splashed by Y) You know, if you won't let me do this, Mom'll have to give you a haircut. All that fur must be awfully hot. (Y growls. She looks at her reflection in the mirror. The spots are gone. She looks down and sees the water is reddish. Ch walks off to get the thermometer again. Y zips out of the water and runs to Kr. Her fur has dried some.)
Y: Kronk! It's a trick.
Kr: What is?
Y: Llama pox doesn't exist!
Kr: Oh, sure it does. I've got it.
(Y wipes his face off with the sponge and shows him his face in the mirror.)
Kr: I don't believe it. (pause) Do you realize what this means?
Y: Yes! They're trying to distract us! Now, let's go!
Kr: No......it means that this sponge can heal people! (stares at it in wonder) I'm cured! I'm cured!
C: Well, that was fast. (thinks, 'They should've gotten far enough away by now.) Lovely to have you.
Kr: Can I take this sponge with me?
(T, C and Ch all share confused looks.)
C: Sure, go ahead. We've got plenty.
Kr: Thanks. Oh, boy, I wonder what else it can do. (y goes into her cat carrier. Kr picks it up.)
Y: Where has your husband got to, may I ask?
C: Oh, he went to those hills over there. Visiting a sick relative.
Kr: Oh, that's too bad. Well, got to go. (runs out and heads for the hills)
Y: Kronk, turn around. You're going the wrong way.
Kr: But Chicha said-
Y: I know what she said. Now, turn back and go to the palace!
Kr: All right. I need to build a shrine for this thing, anyway. (looks at sponge.) (voice fades away) So, how much should I charge? $5 a touch or $10 a touch?
(K, M and P)
K: Gee, it's a good thing we doubled back and went this way. Yzma is sure to take the obvious route. Ha, ha sucker.
M: What're you going to do when you get back?
K: Well, a little bubble bath, some food, and a lotta sleep. And you?
M: Gosh, I don't know, I think I'll be a llama forever. What do you think? And then I'm hitching up and getting out of this dump heap. Away from you and everyone!
K: What happened to you?
M: Look, I don't know what I want. But it sure isn't here, or you!
K: Why not? Why not, Minyaz, because I remind you too much of yourself?
M: (shocked) What?
K: Face it, Minyaz, the only reason you hate me is because we're both the same!
M: How so?
K: You expect the world to change to suit you.
M: Oh, yeah? You told me all about how rotten you were, and here you go criticizing me! Pot calling the kettle black.
K: Want to know something? I actually started to like you! I cared! That's right, I cared! But now I can't possibly love someone who doesn't love me back!
M: Yeah, well I cared too!
K: I know that! Don't you think I knew that? I saw it in your eyes. You were so in love!
M: I can't believe I was blind enough to even think of it. Probably a side effect of that dumb potion.
K: So what're you going to do? We still have to get back and break Pacha's promise with Yzma, have you forgotten?
M: Nuh-uh. That's your problem, not mine. I'm going to find my own way to the palace, grab my stuff and Zurip, and tear out of this lousy place so fast your head will fall off! (runs into the forest)
K: (sniffles) Hey, Pacha.......I need some "alone time", okay?
P: Sure, I understand.
K: Good. (grabs P's hand and pulls him into the other side of the forest.)
P: Whoa! (looks up at the sky) Hey, it looks like rain.........
K: (vo) (in the rain) Well, I hate to say "here we go again", but, "here we go again." See? She hates me. Plus, I don't have a clue as to how we're going to thwart Yzma's plans. Oh, and in case you wonder why I dragged Pacha along to share my "alone time", it's because he can't really go home in this weather. So, here I am, loveless, and if Yz catches on, lifeless.
K: Oh, will you SHUT UP!!!! They don't need anybody to tell them what's going on. They know I put my hoof in it it again. Rub it in, won't you? Yeah.
K: (vo) Oh, please. Think of me as your conscience, then.
K: Get lost, Jiminy Crackpot, you're freaking me out.
K: (vo) All right, all right, if you don't want to hear the truth.......
K: GO!
Kvo) See ya, guys. I guess the rest of it is up to you. (pulls away to reveal P taking shelter under a tree. K turns around, so that we see his back while he sits up.)

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene change. Kronk's kitchen.)

Z: So we,uuuuhhhh, put in the tomatoes-
Kr:The onions.
Z: Oh, right, the onions in the pot.......and then?
Kr: The green peppers.
Z: Peppers! Yes! I know. Now...
Kr: Now the tomatoes.
Z: Yes! Tomatoes! Now! Uohhhhh...I can't take it any longer. Kronk, there's something I have to tell you.
Kr: What?
Z: I.......uhhhhh, how do I say this? You know how I'm not good at cooking and all? Well, I lied.
Kr: Uh-huh.
Z: You mean you're okay with that?
Kr: Yeah. I, uhh, kind of heard more of what you were saying the other day than you thought.
Z: Really? So then I guess you know everything.
Kr: Not quite. Why did you do it?
Z: Well, I heard you going on and on about Matrya this and Matrya that.....I knew I couldn't possibly match her talents.....let alone top them.......so I decided to be worse.
Kr: I think you could do better.
Z: That's very nice of you to say.
Kr: And, besides, I like Matrya's cooking, but Matrya doesn't have rippling shiny, ebony hair (touches her hair)......like you. Or deep blue eyes.....like you. Or a dimple in her chin.....(touches her chin)....like yours.
Z: So does that mean you forgive me?
Kr: Yeah. Although you owe me a pot.
Z: Consider it paid!

(Scene change. K is walking on the road to the city. P follows him.)
K:So, when we get back to the palace, what are you going to say to Yzma?
P: That I can't keep my promise to her.
K: And?
P: That you and Minyaz need the human potion.
K: Very good! Move on.
(M is standing by the gate.)
M: To go in, or not to go in? That is the question. Yes........nooooooo...........yes.............noooooo..........yes........(looks up. K and P are walking towards her)
K: Well, looky here, if it isn't Lady Llamabreath! Ready to be a human again?
M: No, I thought I'd live off of grass forever.

(Scene change. Top of Y's rollercoaster. M and K are both wearing clothes, obviously because they changed before coming down to the lab entrance.)
M: Great. A dead end.
K: Wrongo!
P: Kuzco, maybe I should-
K: Take it easy, Pacha. I remember which lever it is. (pause) Eeny, meeny, miney, moe-(M and P give him a weird look)-just kidding. (pulls lever. P, K and M are catapulted into the lab. The car isn't there. The 3 slide down the roller coaster track, screaming. At the end of the track, they get flipped into the car, upside down. All three get up, and see a hand painted sign, in red paint on a board. There is a can of paint with a paintbrush in it beside it. The sign reads, in messy letters, some backwards, "Out of Order- Kronk")
K: Now he tells us. (The 3 climb down off the coaster car and run to the cupboard. K opens it to reveal Y, sitting on the shelf. She jumps out at them.)
Y: Oh no you don't!
K: How did you beat us here......again?
Y: Kronk's in training for the 10k marathon.
K: Yzma, Pacha has something to tell you.
Y: What?
P: I can't turn you back into a human.
Y: Pardon?
p:I can't turn you back into a human.
Y: What was THAT?
P:I can't turn you back into a human!
Y: I heard what you were saying, it just took some time to sink in. (runs over and grabs P's collar) YOU PROMISED! I don't like people who break their promises to me.
K: He didn't mean it.
Y: Like fun he didn't. (runs over to a desk and rummages through a drawer.) Aha! (pulls out sheet of paper) Signed, sealed, and soon to be delivered.
K(to P) : You actually signed a contract?
P: Read it and weep. (passes sheet to K)
K: "I, Pacha, do solemnly swear to turn Yzma back into a human. In return, Yzma will tell me how to make llama potion so I can play matchmaker between Kuzco and Minyaz. After they........." (pause) YES!
P: What?
K: Ah bayleeve ah've faund a loophole. Ahem! "After they declare their love for each other, I will administer the potion to Yzma!"
P: So?
K: So, we didn't, yet. And if I rip this li'l ol' contract up before then, it doesn't count. (rips contract) Bye bye!
M: (looking on Y's shelf) Dog, cat, jaguar,..........human! I found it! Hey, Kuzco, catch! (throws human potion. K catches it and Y runs over to him. K throws it to P. P throws it to M. This cycle continues, Y running after the potion the whole time, until suddenly Kr comes in with Z. Kr is carrying a plate of cake.)
Kr: Hey, Yzma, I brought you some cake. I know you like the plain stuff. It's pound cake. (The vial is in K's hands.)
K: Kronk, catch it! (tosses potion to Kronk)
Kr: (catches it) Are we playing catch? I love that game. (sets cake down) Who should I throw it to next? (Y waves her paw in the air vigorously. Kr is waving the vial. M motions to Z.)
M: No, no, tell him no. Throw it to me!
Z: Kronk, throw it to-
Kr: Hey, Yzma's been waiting a long time. Here ya go, Yz. ( Z tugs on his sleeve, but it's no use. He throws the vial to Y, who catches it.)
M: No! (chases Y to the top of the cupboard. M climbs up on the desk part of the cupboard. Y pushes it over. The cupboard falls on Minyaz, crashing to the floor. Z, K, and P are horrified. Y hangs on a small shelf on the wall.She puts the vial next to her.)
K: Minyaz! (runs over.) Pacha, help me lift it! (P runs over and helps K lift the cupboard off of M. M is sprawled on the floor, covered in vials. K kneels down and brushes them off of her. He touches her face.) Minyaz? Wake up. Wake up! (tears squeeze out of his eyes.) Wake up. Come on, stop fooling. Minyaz....please. (chokes on tears. P, crying slightly puts his hand on K's shoulder. K looks up at him, crying. Close up of Z's face, crying on Kr's shoulder. Kr brushes her off gently.)
Kr: I'll be back. (runs off)
Y: Ding dong, she's gone.
K: (embraces M's neck and shoulders, cradles her. He speaks in a sobbing tone.) Please, please.........come back. Minyaz.........please......why do you have to be hurt before you realise what you should have seen? Why? Minyaz.........if you would......come back........I-..I love you...so.......
(Y's tail knocks over the vial of human potion. The cork pops and pink liquid streams down the wall and the cupboard. One drop, poised above the two llamas, stretches, then drips into M's mouth. K, eyes closed and crying, doesn't notice, nor do Y, P, or Z. A flash of sparks shower M's body and she turns back into a human again. Her eyelids flutter open after 3 or 4 seconds.)
M: (weakly) I.....love you...too.
K: (looks at her, smiles, then hugs her very tightly) Minyaz! You're okay!
M: (gasping) Well, I could use some air! (Z and P are smiling happily. Y is cursing.) All the potion is gone. Now you have to be a llama forever.
K: Oh, no I don't! (grabs her and kisses her. The potion on her lips turns him back into a human. Kr comes in, with the "healing sponge". We see everyone's excited faces.)
Kr: Where's the princess? I got the sponge.(sees the kissing) What the hey, she's alive! (clasps hands in front of himself and smiles) Isn't this a happy ending?

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

(Scene change. K's room. K is admiring himself in the mirror.)
K: Oh, you gorgeous creature, you! Today's the big day.
(P walks in.)
P: Hey, Kuzco!
K: Oh, hi Pacha. (looks at P. P is all dressed up.)
P: I'm honored to be your best man.
K: Yeah, who else could I pick for the job? Kronk's not bad, but he kinda looks dumb in a tux. (pats P's stomach) So, you put on a little more weight since the big runaround, eh?
P: Kuzco, for the last time, I'm not fat; I just have oversized organs, that's all.
K: In that case, I'll be sure to get front row tickets to your autopsy, ya freak of nature. (smooths out wrinkles in suit and turns around) There. How do I look? (K has messy locks.)
P: Uhhhhhh...your...hair?
K: GAHH! (combs frantically and turns around again. One lone hair sticks up. K slicks it down fast and smiles.) Better?
P: Yeah. Say, Kuzco, I, uhhh, well, I know I'm not......
K: What?
P: Well, in my family, we have a tradition. When a son is married, he is given a special pin. My children still have a lot of growing to do, and, well, I thought......(hands K a box. K opens it and sees a wooden llama pin.) I, uh, carved it myself.
K: (tears in eyes) I....thank you, Pacha. It really means a lot to me. (P puts his hand on K's shoulder.)
P: I only hope my sons can be as good a man as you have become.
(C pokes her head in the room. She is wearing a blue dress.)
C: Hey. (sees the 2, who turn around to face her) oh, sorry, am I interrupting something?
K: Not at all. (wipes eyes) Hey, how's my bride?
C: Radiant. You should see her.
K: Can I?
C: (clucks tongue) Not before the wedding, young man.
(Ch and T appear. Ch is wearing a dress that looks like her mother's. T has a little suit on.)
Ch: Hi! Don't I look pretty? (curtseys)
K: As pretty as a princess.
T: Dad, look, I get to carry a pillow with their rings on it!
P: Very nice.
K: Let's go. We've got a few minutes.

(Scene change. Obviously after the wedding. M is wearing her dress and eating cake. They are going to open presents.)
K: Okay, who's this from? (reads tag) Chaca and Tipo! I wonder what it could be. (Ch and T giggle. K opens the present.) Hey! A painting. Now, what's it a painting of?
Ch: You and Minyaz!
M: Let me see. (K hands it to her.) Hey! My nose isn't that big! (The kids look a little upset.) Don't sweat it. In about 300 years, this kind of art will be appreciated.
K: Very nice. Now, this one (picks up a small package) is from......Kronk. (looks at Kr) What did you get us?
Kr: Well, it's something you don't have....and it'll look great on you.
(K unwraps the package. It's matching Kronk hats, in red and blue.)
K: Oh. How......nice.
Kr: I'm so glad you liked them. Did you notice I got them marked 'His' and 'Hers'?
M: Yes, very nice. (K and M put them on.) How do we look?
Kr: Great!
K: Next present............Yzma! You shouldn't have!
Y: I didn't. (checks tag) That isn't my handwriting.
K: Oh, sure. And I suppose this (gestures to large, obvious cat paw print on the tag) isn't your signature.
Y: I was framed!
K: (takes out 2 vials) Thank you.....what's in it?
Y: One's for you. If you ever fight, turn eachother into llamas and make up.
M: And the other?
Y: That's for me. If you ever have any children, I'm putting myself out of misery.
(Everyone laughs.)
Z: Hey, Kuzco, I didn't forget you. (hands him a package) Here.
K: What is it?
Z: Fudge. Kronk tells me you have a sweet tooth.
K: That I do. Mmm!

(Scene change. Peasants are lined up, waiting to touch the sponge.)
Kr: (counting money) 5, 10, 15, 20.........I'm gonna be rich!
(Y is sitting at a table, checking peasants in to the sponge shrine.)
Y: 5 dollars please, stamp your hand, get in line. 5 dollars please, stamp your hand, get in line.
(Old geezer is at the front of the line. He stands up and shouts.)
OG: My arthritis! It's gone! I'm a new man! (does backflips and cartwheels.)
(Switch to K.)
K: (vo)Has Yzma given up on killing Kuzco? Or will she try again? (Y smiles like an angel, then smiles evilly) Will Pacha and his wife and children remain on their hilltop, or move in with Kuzco? Will Kuzco and Minyaz have wedded bliss, or fight again? And will Kronk finally realize that the "healing sponge" is just a dead sea creature? Stay tuned for the next episode of, As the Llama Runs!
K: Okay, quit it, will you?
K: (vo) Awwwwww, come on.
K: SHUT UP!!!!
K: (vo) Okay, okay, touchy, touchy.
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!