Lawyer jokes

[propita]

Actually, this is a true story.

Last Saturday, I went to my law school's graduation ceremonies, since I knew 6 or 7 people graduating. I was standing there with some classmates afterwards, just talking about recent events.

The conversation turned to the absent-Rapture of May 21, and the new Rapture Day of October 21. I mentioned that, being in Fresno where there are plenty of evangelicals, we needed to find some people willing to sell their cars and homes cheap, expecting to be Rapture-d.

My buddy asked, "Do you mean we should take advantage of people making stupid decisions?"

I said, "Why not? We're lawyers, aren't we? That's what we do!"


So anyone else have some good lines or jokes about lawyers?

 

[Marten]

Does it have to be about lawyers? I know jokes that probably only lawyers and law students will find funny.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie?

 

[Alidar Jarok]

Well, the typical old joke is:
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks to know his rates. The Lawyer says $100 for three questions. "Isn't that kinda steep?" asks the man. "Yes," replies the lawyer, "and what's your third question?"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ Must be from the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.

 

[auntiehill]

My Dad was a corporate lawyer for years. I've heard a lot of lawyer jokes in my time.

Some of my favorites:
What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The wingtips on the lawyer are removable.

What do you call a kind-hearted, polite, decent person at a Bar Association convention?
The caterer.

What the difference between a divorce lawyer and a pit bull?
The accessories.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

A lot of people think heaven and hell are on different planes, but they are not. They are side by side and divided by a fence. One day God is out inspecting the fence and he notices it is really in disrepair and falling down in some places. So he calls out to the devil.
"Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles. Nick!
The Devil comes out and says, "Yeah what do you want?"
God says, "Will you look at this fence? This fence is falling down. The posts are on your side. What are you going to do about it"
The Devil replies, "Ah screw you".
God angrily retorts,"Well if you don't do something about it you are going to hear from my attorney!"
The Devil replies,"Oh yeah, where are you going to get an attorney?"

 

[Deranged Nasat]

A lot of people think heaven and hell are on different planes, but they are not. They are side by side and divided by a fence. One day God is out inspecting the fence and he notices it is really in disrepair and falling down in some places. So he calls out to the devil.
"Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles. Nick!
The Devil comes out and says, "Yeah what do you want?"
God says, "Will you look at this fence? This fence is falling down. The posts are on your side. What are you going to do about it"
The Devil replies, "Ah screw you".
God angrily retorts,"Well if you don't do something about it you are going to hear from my attorney!"
The Devil replies,"Oh yeah, where are you going to get an attorney?"

I particularly like that one.

 

[JarodRussell]

My buddy asked, "Do you mean we should take advantage of people making stupid decisions?"
I said, "Why not? We're lawyers, aren't we? That's what we do!"

What's so funny about stating a fact?

 

[Marc]

Q. what can a goose do, a duck can't and a lawyer should?
A. stick his bill up his arse.

 

[ManOnTheWave]

A man on his way home drives up and finds his home surrounded by police, ambulances, and flashing lights. A police officer informs the man his entire family is dead. "it was your attorney, sir. Your lawyer came to the house and killed everyone."

The man replies, " he came to the house?"

That joke also works for agents.

 

[Balrog]

What do you call 50 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Answer 1: A good start.

Answer 2: Not enough sand.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A: It depends on how thinly you slice them.

 

[Timby]

The exact quote from three lawyer friends of mine, when asked if someone should apply to law school:

"Don't go. There are no jobs. You will die alone."

 

[Alidar Jarok]

I laugh, but it's true

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Generic "examining briefs" joke goes here.

 

[Tom Hendricks]

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

 

[David cgc]

A guy got a note from his lawyer;

Dear Jim,
I thought I saw you on the street the other day, so I crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back.

1/10 Hour ...... $25

 

[Goliath]

A man on his way home drives up and finds his home surrounded by police, ambulances, and flashing lights. A police officer informs the man his entire family is dead. "it was your attorney, sir. Your lawyer came to the house and killed everyone."

The man replies, " he came to the house?"

That joke also works for agents.

Odd. I first heard that as a violist joke, of all things.

But then, there are a few violist jokes that could work as lawyer jokes. For example:

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up a lawyer.

 

[Holdfast]

Lawyers tell the best lawyer jokes. Here's a few, from friends in the profession:

Q. What do call a thorough lawyer?
A. Someone trying to catch up on their billable hours.

Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A1. The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.
A2. No-one gets a happy ending from a lawyer.

Q. What do you call a stupid and corrupt lawyer?
A. An MP.

Q. Did you hear the one about the lawyer who did pro-bono work?
A. Yeah, U2 pay really well.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and the Devil?
A. The Devil gives you money in return your soul. The lawyer takes your money so you can pretend you still have one.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. Both can work miracles in return for generous offerings, but lawyers drag the miracle out over several years.