Kyle XY Rewatch. Spoilers + Profanity.

[Guy Gardener]

Kyle XY.

This is where I first met Magda Apanowicz. Thank you Kyle XY.

Plot.

Modern day (2006). Clone escapes from a factory. Enhanced physical and mental skills, but no memories, not even language. Adopted by all-American suburbanite sickly sweet family. Discovers what it means to be human, as mercs, spies and billionaires hunt him each week because Kyle XY is property that is owned and not a person.

Cool?

I'm going to push play on the first episode now.

 

[Guy Gardener]

it starts with nudity. The hero is handsome enough but he mumbles like Toby McGuire. Not sure how any one could put up with that in a sex symbol.

The graphics for the opening credits suck. Not exactly modern. Kyle is just walking around covered in snot. I suppose that that's pretty funny. Reminiscent of Daryl Hannah in Splash I suppose? I'm old enough to be happy that I am attracted to the mother and not the daughter. It's the Sheriff form Vampire Diaries. Odd thing about American TV is that the wives are always beautiful 25 year olds married to 40 year old Oscar Madison.

The music is all sad because Kyle is lost in a world he doesn't understand, while a narration is taking place in retrospect from future Ideal Kyle, who understands already what urination is but is marvelling still over the discovery.

The cinematography looks like they took lessons from the earliest seasons of the Real World. Oh look it's that girl from Elektra who really didn't do much after Elektra bombed. Oh my, the wise ass kid brother is so tiny compared to the here and now where he is the (relative) star of ABC Comedy's Baby daddy.

Oh look, Kyle is fighting a Goul'd.

Dr Fraiser (from SG1) is also in the cast, so it's evidently one of those secretly not Canadian shows that really is Canadian.

"Short bus kid"

HA! They mentioned a girl in the same state in the news!

Fricking Sif.

They keep calling him a boy, but I swear that Kyle looks like he's 25.

KRYCEK! (From X-Files.) You can't trust him. Evilevilevil!

Besides he's got those slit eyes ever loking left and right.

Tiny adventures where he wins everyone's trust and 40 minutes in and Kyle is part of the family.

It could have done with less vomit. That was gross.

B+

 

[Guy Gardener]

s01e02 Sleepless in Seattle.

Kyle doesn't sleep.

So he empties a fridge half in his mouth and half all over his shirt.

Funny.

Huh. Kyle is having an existential crisis about the nature of time, which is just more sugar.

This show is just endless wheelbarrows of sugar.

He's been awake for 10 days and the family who loves him is worried, so they drug him.

Drugs good.

Kyle is falling in love with the neighbour girl, but that might be because he thinks that she is the sole source of all music in the universe.

I'm not sure if the wise ass younger brother is a smart Alec or a moron, because he's trying to convince everyone, making a list, to prove that Kyle is an alien from another planet.

Oh, my they're finally making ET jokes.

Ha! I'd forgotten that he always sleeps in a bathtub because it's most like the tube he was grown in.

B

 

[Guy Gardener]

s01e03 the lies that bind.

Ooo. Things are getting heated after a skeleton is found where Kyle woke up/was born, mixing charcoal in with all that sugar.

The teen drama is boring me already with the girl hooking up with a douchebag.

Thing is that I know that the douche bag becomes Kyle's best friend, even though he doesn't go all the way with Laurie, so there's more to the character and perhaps the actor than we are see herein the beginning rather than a thug who can't wait a couple weeks for his girlfriend to become comfortable with his paws.

Fixing a work place computer, was straight out of Glenn A Larson's playbook.

I don't like being reminded of the Super Scouts.

"Isn't that lying?"

"No, it's a secret."

"It sounds like lying."

"How can it be lying if we don't say anything."



So the sleezy sister has a (more) slutty friend, who I adore from other places. It's weird when the background characters have more charisma than the principles. HA!

Kyle has been Home Aloned!

Is every other episode going to be a rip off of an 80s movie?

He just climbed up the side of a house which is straight out of Roxanne (Daryl Hannah again.) and is he mostly outside in his pyjama's all of the time?

Kyle can't keep secrets.

Snitches get stitches Kyle.

Life is balancing spinning plates.

Ye gads! Mommy is all worried that her cute little Kyle might be a murderer, which is when the credits fall. Top be frank we should be worried as well.

Jason Bourne always seems like a village idiot, until he kills nine people while flexing, and for all we know this fluzzy show about bunnies and bubbles might take a very dark turn.

B

P.S. It's 2 am, I'm going to sleep.

 

[Sto-Vo-Kory]

Kyle XY always made me crave Sour Patch watermelon slices, but not the Sour Patch Kids candy that they not-so-subtly shilled on the show. Their product placement must've misfired into my brain somehow.

 

[Guy Gardener]

Yes, I have seen that candy in here already.

s01e04 Diving in.

Underwater sex dreams for Kyle? Underwater is wet.

Is Crycek a man in black? The music is implying that the evil empire this guy works for is ominous. Until of course Crycek starts killing people who are asking him difficult questions in his exit interview. Craft knife through the neck until it's scraping spine.

Manorrexic. Funny or cruel?

Transitioning into high school seems difficult. Someone writing has had bad history with bureaucracy, and siblings. the Traeger kids, brother and sister seem to be venomous towards each other. Just a constant stream of threats and insults.

The douche bag is manning up. Showing some commitment to little Laurie.

Good lord. There's a 12 year old teaching kyle how to masturbate. **Shudder**

The girl next door is teaching him to swim, and he has to hide his erections during the teaching. Which is more disturbing. These actors are so young it almost feels like kiddyporn. Although almost straight after Kyle XY finishes, the actor Matt Dallas is playing a character having an affair with Rebecca Romijn who is possibly 20 years his senior in (the witches of) Eastwick (the series.).

Another party. Please don't puke everywhere Kyle.

Oh no, Laurie has had her virginity tricked out of her, and Josh (younger brother) has had his clothes tricked off of him after a hottub incident with an entirely too attractive catholic girl teaching him about sin.

And there's the puke. Sleazy Hilarary is playing to the porcelain goid. Hilary is much more rounded as the show goes on, but right now every one is mostly still an archetype waiting to be a fully fleshed out imaginary things.

GIRLNEXTDOORKYLEISINLOVEWITHFROMELEKTRA (Amanda) HAS A BOYFRIEND!

You can see Kyle dejaculating.(One of the definitions of dejaculate is to "take your jacket/coat off". That's not the definition I am using here.)

Golly, if it wasn't for the Donner party, this might be the worst party ever.

B+

 

[Taylirious]

I thought Josh liked sour gummy worms, his stash. LOL. I loved Kirsten Prout/Amanda.

 

[Guy Gardener]

s01e05 This is not a test.

Dumb fools think that they have found normal! Packing school lunches and heading out to work. Idjits. You can't escape the drama! That's why the murdering spyboy from X-Files is breaking into your house and probably placing secret cameras and rummaging through underwear draws.

Ha! Kyle is going to Smallville High!

More super scout shit.

They're making an amnesiac take a history test. Morons. But then he reads a 20 volume encyclopaedia and Kyle is fine. Which is cheating if you ask me. Hiding the answers in his head. What sort of asshole does that?

And now they rip off Good Will Hunting where Kyle solves an unsolvable math problem left up over night on a chalk board. But then I suppose if this show is made for 13 year olds, it's likely they don't understand when something is being ripped off, unless we want to call it homage?

Amanda's boyfriend is played by Corey Monteith, the kid from Glee who IRL ODed.

Must have had a growth spurt in his 20s, or went hard on the protein shakes because he does not look like the kid from Glee at all.

B-

 

[Guy Gardener]

S01e06 Blame it on the Rain.

It's a dark'n'stormy night where Kyle XY is having bad dreams.

Dekland the douche bag and Kyle finally meet, it's complete brolove.

Sneaking douche bag out of the house is... Girls call it a walk of shame, while boys call it a victory lap. I think it's because when a man wakes up after a dirty night out and he's still the nine he went to sleep as, but women have lost most of their clothing and smeared make up like a Jackson Pollock original. If women could look like a million bucks without spending a million bucks, or not radically devalue overnight as their pounds of hair product evaporates, then they too could have a victory lap the next morning too.

Oh dear.

Wise ass baby brother is hiding his porn in with his board games when big sister wants to play board games with the family. The amusing this is the loyalty. As Josh's stash is uncovered, I totally recognize that it's the same dirty magazine that's been used in at least 3 other episodes.

Of course the rain, and a lack of electricity is forcing odd conversaitons between persons.

OH! Kyle is crying! Emotional range finally! He's supposed to have been playing a muppet, no fault of his it's script plus direction. But the little brother (Josh) is an annoying little fuck that any normal person would have thrown off a roof by now.

His bathtub has racing stripes.

Every one seems to have running/hanging plot lines, even if it awful crap about 14 year old trying to decide if the have a love that will overcome their idiocy, which means that we have producers that care, even if they are the bellends trying to put me into diabetic shock.

C+

 

[theenglish]

Guy, I never realized you had such a soft spot in your heart. You really are like your namesake!

For the record, my wife who is latina, loves Kyle. It is one of her favorite series of all time because of the family melodrama. She thinks that I am too North American for being too critical of shows like this.

 

[Guy Gardener]

S01e07 Kyle got game.

Sweet Christmas! I hate sports, and chagrin when they squeeze sports themes into TV shows that are not about sports. Ironically I do like shows about sports, and adjacently about sports like Arli$$ or The League.

So Kyle is dreaming about Frohicky from the Lone Gunmen. How many other X-Files actors are squeezed in here who I have not noticed?

Old dad trying to live vicariously through his children's new sports glory.



Sad dad.

It's creepy the camera thing, but you have to wonder how much big brother after dark footage Tom Foss (spyboy from X-Files) acquires by accident that he doesn't immediately put in his trash folder like a gentleman should.

LOVE TRIANGLE ALERT! Douche bag, slutty friend and sleazy sister. It's a mean-girl war and that poor douche bag Dekland doesn't really understand what he's caught inbetween as they both act like he's Mr Sexy.

"sigh"

Nice moral stand on the B-ball court come the conclusion of the story. And asshole coach using children like meat for the grinder told to shove it as everyone I am Spartatcesses. Cheap emotional ploy that also made sure that we don't have to see yet more basketball next week thank god.

The love triangle just turned out that the girls had got a point with they could talk together through abuse. That's not filtered, that's actually what happened. Two women using a man as a justification to fling shit at each other. Why does that make me think of the Korean war? Pitty that they're friends again because it was funny as these women(they're 16, I can call them girls.) were within an inch of a fist fighting most of the last 3 episodes.

B+

 

[Guy Gardener]

Guy, I never realized you had such a soft spot in your heart. You really are like your namesake!

For the record, my wife who is latina, loves Kyle. It is one of her favorite series of all time because of the family melodrama. She thinks that I am too North American for being too critical of shows like this.

There was a random sitcom a while back, where the grouchy dad said "I do not have a feminine side, and if I did, I wouldn't touch it." So yes maybe I am a little grumpier than I should be. I do like this show, or I did like this show. I've had Kyle XY on DVD for almost 5 years and only now on a whim decided to check back in on the series. Maybe 9 years ago when I watched this the first time around, my heart was made of something less solid.



S01e08 Memory Serves.

Hypnosis! You show'em Kyle! They think that this is the real world, but you make them suspect that they are characters in a book!? Clones don't exist in the real world, so this is not real. Most of you probably haven't doubted reality until your life looks like a letter to Penthouse Forum.

No past for Kyle, but everyone else is talking about their futures. That's rude.

But it's turning into a Scooby Doo mystery this week, as these pesky Kids follow a clue about what's really at the root of this boys non-existent past.

Tom is so creepy! It looks like he wants to sex offend the wife, rather than kidnap her teenage son. He absolutely has no idea how to quit it with those Christopher Walken eyes.

Laurie gets hit on by a boy, and wanders off with him.

Dekland gets hit on by a girl and says that he's there with Laurie.

Awkward!

So this is whaen Kyle finds that some one else had his face in 1985, and freaks him the #### out, and they actually find a windmill to charge.

Wizard of Oz reference, that doesn't seem to be hinting at homosexuality. it's also finally revealed after a wrestling match that Tom Foss the spyboy is really Kyle's Guardian Angel standing between Kyles and the real baddies.

This is a bridging episode, stuff happened, but it's about delayed gratification, as we get closer to the end of season boom in 2 weeks,even though we have finally seen the face of the enemy.

B-

 

[Guy Gardener]

s01e09 Overheard.

In the 70s, super hearing was the least sexy most disgusting of Steve Austin's powers. Wait? Didn't the Bionic Dog have a super nose?

Ooo. Sexy dragon lady with an English accent (she's white, relax.) on top, and in control of all the evil. Hot Zelda (From Terrahawks.)?

Kyle, like a duckling learning to walk, is mastering duplicity, managing a secret life of investigating his origins despite that threats have been made towards "his family" by he thinks Tom Foss (Spyboy).

Sad Dad is ragging on douche bag Dekland "He's a hit and Run Driver who deflowered my daughter, he's lucky I still let him in the house."

Josh has no confidence. Worried about his grades even though he's taking remedial classes. If he has a learning disability, then he is the mirror opposite of Kyle? Nope, all paranoia. Passing grades. the family have a hug circle becuase the wise ass son is not a complete failure.

We have found a limit to Kyle's abilities. If he uses his super hearing for longer than a minute, his brain turns off and there are seizures. Has this attack downgraded him to human or has the company really has it's talons into him?

Bigclone has it's fingers in everything.

Oh, Corey. We want to love you, because you had such a sad short end, but it's hard to love you if you keep allowing yourself to be cast as a scumbag.

Everyone is crying and waxing on emotionally when kyle's real parents show up... Hot mum (from Vampire Diaries, she's actually my age now that I'm 10 years older.) was about to say some crap like "you are my son" when some other mystery lady who is probably lying pulls that gig off her.

Irony.

B.

 

[Guy Gardener]

S01e10 Endgame.

This episode starts off in the crux of a lie. Fake parents telling awesome lies. I suppose I should pretend to believe that they are his parents, but #### it, most of us have seen this before.

I used to watch this show mostly because wise ass brother was such a wise ass. Kyle actually pisses me off most of the time.

Wise ass brother walks down some stairs into the kitchen wearing a very flush suit, only to say...

(Josh) "Lets go people! God is waiting!"

(Kyle) "You want to go to Amanda's confirmation with me?"

(Josh) "Sure, Church is neat and I never get a chance to wear this suit."

Oh, no. Kyle vs Religion. Egads, he is a hell of a lot more polite than Sherlock from Elementary or Bones from Bones who called Jesus the "Imaginary Friend growing up" of that guy she married form Angel.

The actor playing Josh has grown 4 inches and gained 30 pounds since the show began. Which is to say that he used to look preteen and now he looks teen, but still seems a startling rapid thing to happen since I started watching last night.

Oh! Dragon Lady in charge of the evil empire is the female lead from one of my most favourite sitcoms (Alienated), and also been the sexy 40something year old Zombie on I Zombie for the last couple weeks. It is a small world after all.

Everyone is having sad speeches about how sad they are going to be after Kyle is taken off by his fake parents. What an excellent chance to allow these actors to show some range.

How off, that they didn't invite any of Kyle's friends from basket Ball to his going away party since how important being part of a team seemed at the time.

The MTV music they play is nice, to prove the contemporariness of the series as hip, but none of it seems failure enough to have survived into the modern world.

Ooooo!

A twist!

Fake parents do not work for Dragon Lady!

Twist twist!

A second clone who is a girl!

We know her better as Sif because she was in the Thor movies for about 5 minutes.

Not bad.

B+

I'll get onto season two soon.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I remember back in the days, there were questions whether the lead actor (Matt Dallas) was gay because he appeared on Kathy Griffin's "Life on the D List" and sounded gay. It turned out that he is. And that's that.

 

[JD]

I really enjoyed this when it first aired. I've thought about watching it again since it's streaming on Netflix.
I'm always going to be thankful to the show for introducing me to Jaime Alexander.