Feeling a bit down...over something silly

[Damian]

I've been feeling a bit down lately over something silly that happened in my past (almost 25 years ago in fact). It's not something I can really talk to anybody about, as you'll probably see, and this site is relatively anonymous and I figured it might help for me to air it out in some fashion.

It actually started with a dream I had a few days ago about someone I dated for a few weeks in the summer of 1994. Obviously being 25 years ago some of the details are fuzzy. What I do remember is that I was home for the summer from college after my Freshman year. I lived in South Jersey at the time. I was working part-time at a department store in the area. I was not dating anyone at the time and a friend of mine at the store set me up with another friend of hers. I was a little hesitant at first because I was really looking forward to going back to college (which was about 2 hours away in Northeast PA) and I wasn't looking to get attached to someone back in NJ--long distance relationships and all. But I decided, what the hell. So I met with her and I liked her. She was nice, had a good personality, she was pretty. She was still in high school, I believe she was going to be a senior, so maybe 2 years younger than me. But I wasn't snobbish about dating someone in high school--I actually didn't give it a second thought.

She lived near the Delaware River in NJ so I remember taking some walks near the river with her and we got along well. I didn't lead her on or anything. I was clear I was looking forward to going back to college and wasn't looking for a long distance relationship. If she lived closer to my college it probably would have been a different story. But anyway, to continue the story--one of the details I remembered was she had medium long light brown hair that she use to pin back away from her face. And I remember asking if she ever wore it down. Not really she had told me. I asked her to give it a try sometime. I liked her hair and thought it might be nice to see it down sometime. Then I picked her up for a date and we decided to see a movie, "The Mask" with Jim Carrey (funny how you remember some details and not others, but there you go). And she had her hair down. I was flattered and she looked very pretty with her hair down and I told her as much...along with letting her know I was flattered (I forget the words I used, but I think I was clear that I was impressed). We went to see the movie. I was rather shy around girls in those days. I had dated 2 girls previous to that but was still awkward. I had a hard time deciphering signals and that sort of thing. Even though we were getting along great and she even let her hair down for me, as it were, I wasn't really sure how she felt (duh, I know). And during the movie I wanted to hold her hand but I wasn't sure if I should (I think back and wonder how I even worked up the nerve to ask her on a date). I sort of left my hand hanging there and finally I guess she got the hint I wanted to hold her hand and she finally took my hand in hers. Other things I remembered is talking in my van for a while as well as hanging out with her and her family on her back porch. But I tried to keep my feelings in check because, you know, I was going back to college. I tried a long distance relationship the year prior and it didn't last a month. And I actually cared about this girl and didn't want to hurt her, so I kept a bit of distance. We never kissed, though I think she would have. And eventually I went to college and moved on. Though I went home about a month and a half later and saw our mutual friend at the store we both worked at and I asked how she was doing. I was told she had just started dating someone else and I was happy for her. I sort of got the impression from our friend that she (the girl I was dating) was a bit disappointed nothing more came of us. I forgot exactly what she said but I came away with the feeling that she did have some feelings for me and despite my efforts to avoid it that she was a bit hurt.

I do admit, sometimes, to wondering what would have happened if I had asked her if she wanted to give it a go....that is try a long distance relationship. I mean, 2 hours isn't forever. I wouldn't have seen her every week, but I probably would have seen her at least once a month, and of course a month around Christmas and almost 4 months in the summer. I think back about her and while I was terrible at reading signals, I did feel a level of comfort around her. Maybe it was because I was going back to school and already 'decided' this was not going to be a relationship. But honestly I don't think so. She was easy to talk to, and I did like her. Now that I'm 44 I look back and realize she sent me plenty of signals that she liked me as well. I think if I asked her if she wanted to continue to see each other I think she would have been willing to give it a try. I had a dream a few days ago about our time together and I don't know why I'm feeling down about it all of a sudden. Yes, it was someone I let get away maybe. Thinking back there was a certain chemistry, but I was so hell bent on going back to college, and I would still have done that no question. But maybe I didn't look enough at the possibilities. But we all have regrets. While I think of her from time to time and wonder what if, and wonder what happened to her, it never really made me feel down before. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis. I don't know. I mean, since then I got married, have a good job, a daughter. We all have those what if moments...if we could go back and change something, maybe a mistake, or just given something a try we didn't try before. Would it have worked? Well, that I'll never know of course. And we only saw each other for a few weeks. But unlike my other relationships that didn't work out, perhaps I regret this one a bit because I never gave it a chance.

Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest in some format. Not something I care to talk about with people I know. One because it's a bit embarrassing. And while I'm not as awkward as I once was, I'm still hesitant about talking about feelings I have.

 

[publiusr]

I am actually happy living alone--always have, really.

Hey, you never know the future.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

It's not silly.

I have so much regret over things in the past that it's still messing me up with relationships. I had 2 chances with a girl I was in love with (in high school and 5 or 6 years later ) and I really dropped the ball on letting her know how I felt. I think that she felt something for me but I'll never know because I was too chicken to find out. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in high school.

 

[Damian]

It's not silly.

I have so much regret over things in the past that it's still messing me up with relationships. I had 2 chances with a girl I was in love with (in high school and 5 or 6 years later ) and I really dropped the ball on letting her know how I felt. I think that she felt something for me but I'll never know because I was too chicken to find out. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in high school.

Man, that sucks. I mean, in many ways that's a far worse regret to have, someone you knew for years and knew you were in love with her.

I mean, in my case I only knew her for a few weeks and I hadn't developed strong feelings for her yet. I liked her, and had we continued I may have fell head over heels for her.

I remember talking to her in my van, an old 1979 GMC cargo van of all things (not "cool" by any stretch, but that thing had a lot of character and it took me on a lot of road trips back in the 90s). I still remember thinking this girl was really cool, she had a great personality and a good attitude, she was pretty and we were really getting along, and how I wished we just met at a different time. That was the time I think back, that moment when we were talking in my van, that I should have asked her if she wanted to continue seeing each other even though I was going back to college. I felt the beginnings of a real connection with her and I let it slip away. And I don't know why. I really think she would have said yes. I sometimes wonder if she thinks of me and our time together, and what could have happened had I not been so idiotic about it? Or has she long ago forgotten about me?

Sometimes you think of things you might change in your past if you could. I guess relationships are one for a lot of people. I mean, my other relationships that ended I don't regret. They had run their course, I had some good times but things just didn't pan out. I'm ok with that. This was one I guess I think about sometimes because I never gave it a chance, and something that just has me really down right now. It's possible things wouldn't have worked out. Then it would be like the others, some good memories. But never trying? I think that's always worse. So I can feel for you there. Try and fail, I can live with that, but not ever having tried...I think it's something we all regret.

 

[Owain Taggart]

We all have those moments of regret. I think the big one for me was back in high-school around grade 9 when I decided to take summer school. We'd have outings like horse riding and a camping trip, among other things that I currently don't remember. During the school year, I was hesitant and apprehensive due to bullying I'd endured, and it was difficult for me to trust anyone as a result. The whole class went on a horse riding excursion, and I remember feeling really bad for this girl who'd been thrown off her horse and broke her ankle. In fact, I felt like I was the only one who cared at the time. Fast forward to the camping trip, and I ended up being in a canoe with her. Aside from it being a calming serene experience, it felt like there was some connection. There were no words passed, but something distinctly felt.

Then next thing I remember is being in the school cafeteria after the camping trip, and one of her friends passes me a note. On the note was a name and a number. Now, mind you, back then, I didn't actually know her name, and I wasn't entirely sure who it was from. And because I was very apprehensive due to past experience, I never jumped the gun and called. The bullying I had endured in the past wasn't limited to the school, as some had called with harassing calls and being the only household with that last name made it easy to find, but the general sentiment in those days was, "it's a game, deal with it." So, yeah, I retreated and never called because I was distrustful. I remember checking to see if the number was listed, and because it wasn't, I never called. And months after that, I pieced the clues together and learned that it was in fact that same girl I shared the canoe with and gotten thrown off her horse. Turns out she was actually a year older than me. It's one of those things that, yeah, if circumstances were different, I totally would have called, and I always look back to that time and kick myself, wondering what could have been. I sometimes even wonder how she is and what she's doing.

 

[Refuge]

When I was at school, about 14 years old I had a massive crush on this guy. I remember his name to this day. He had a French surname, was very intellectual, had curly brown hair and glasses. Just a few years later when I met and later married my hubby (and we did marry young), hubby told me how he mentioned my name to a Navy someone he knew. They were not friends just knew each other. It was that guy! (You know I'm kind of blushing writing this, which is stupid). He told my hubby to be I was the prettiest girl in the school. I SO wish I had known I was even on his radar back then...

 

[rhubarbodendron]

I think you made the right decision. A long distance relationship requires a lot of work and effort on both sides and at 17/18 (in fact, any age below 28-30) you're just too young for that. Making such a relationship work takes an experience in life that people in their late teens or early twens simply don't have acquired yet.
There is no data for relationships but if you check the data of people who married very young you'll notice that the majority gets divorced rather soon and only when they marry for the second time they usually make a success of it. In my opinion one needs a certain training in dealing with averse circumstances before one is able to overcome them.

How about trying to contact her now? She might just have gotten happily divorced . I dated an old school friend from 35 years ago lately and it was great fun (LOL naah, not what you'd think - it was strictly G-rating)

 

[Sibyl]

No, not silly at all, but possibly for the best, as @rhubarbodendron says. Who knows, she might be available today, if you were to look her up and contact her.

I used to regret not noticing bit hints that my girlfriend in my junior and senior years used to give me. We went to Prom when I was a junior and she was a senior. She asked me to make a request to the DJ: More than Words by Extreme. You see, I was taking her at her word that she wanted to "wait until marriage" even though I knew she'd been intimate with others in her past. I wasn't going to push. I missed other, bigtime hints, but I won't mention those here.

In the end, I look back at how she treated her adopted brothers with severe autism and her current political views and I'm very happy our relationship ended. Not to mention how I believe she would've reacted to my own...situation.

 

[Damian]

I think you made the right decision. A long distance relationship requires a lot of work and effort on both sides and at 17/18 (in fact, any age below 28-30) you're just too young for that. Making such a relationship work takes an experience in life that people in their late teens or early twens simply don't have acquired yet.
There is no data for relationships but if you check the data of people who married very young you'll notice that the majority gets divorced rather soon and only when they marry for the second time they usually make a success of it. In my opinion one needs a certain training in dealing with averse circumstances before one is able to overcome them.

How about trying to contact her now? She might just have gotten happily divorced . I dated an old school friend from 35 years ago lately and it was great fun (LOL naah, not what you'd think - it was strictly G-rating)

Who knows, she might be available today, if you were to look her up and contact her.

You're probably right. I was 19 at the time, I believe she was about 17 maybe. I occasionally have thought of her over the years and what may have been. More than anything I hate not having tried. Like I said, if we tried and it didn't work, I'd be ok with that. I don't regret failure that happens naturally because things don't work out. But I do regret not giving it a shot. Not knowing is a terrible thing.

I think the reason really was I wanted to cut all ties to my home area in South Jersey. I hated that I even had to go back for the summer that year. And I didn't want any ties when I went back to college. I think back now and realize how short sighted that was. And I think back now how foolish it was. Was 2 hours too far? I don't honestly know. And I don't know why I'm so down about it now--it's really got me in a funk and that's never happened before. I usually don't regret things from my past. I'm typically a pretty happy go lucky person and this is really bugging me. Maybe it means I'm going to die soon or something, LOL. Sometimes they say you start reflecting on past mistakes before you go. Though I hope to live forever .

I was so nervous around girls back in those days. She was the first girl I dated that now thinking back really liked me and actually wanted to impress me.

And to be honest I'm not sure how to even contact her. I can't remember her last name (though if she married that might be different anyway). Our mutual friend is on Facebook but I'm not sure how much she'd remember or if she would even know what became of her. And even if she did and I found her I'm not even sure if she'd remember me or if I wouldn't just be something that fell out of the sky.

 

[Finn]

That's life. At least you have that. I sometimes wish I had something like that in that stage of my life.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

Maybe it means I'm going to die soon or something, LOL. Sometimes they say you start reflecting on past mistakes before you go. Though I hope to live forever .

You're not gonna die soon. I am going to live forever and I can't remember the last time I did something right so there's a lot (too much) of reflecting on past screw-ups here.

 

[Damian]

You're not gonna die soon. I am going to live forever and I can't remember the last time I did something right so there's a lot (too much) of reflecting on past screw-ups here.

Ha-ha, yeah, hopefully. I'm 44 so I hope I still have some years left in me.

I just hope I crawl out of my funk soon. We all have times when we feel a bit down. But this is a bit unusual for me to feel so down in the dumps about something from that long ago. I did arrange to meet up with an old friend of mine from back in those days when I'm travelling near his area for work later this month. He's probably one of the only friends I still have from that time that probably remembers me dating her. I'm hoping that talking to someone that knew me during that time will help.

 

[Armus]

Regret. Nothings worse than regret. Sometimes I feel that way. Our culture idealizes youthful romance and that can encourage regret. This is the biggest cliche to say but I believe everything happens for a reason. I say learn from the past but live for the future. Life is just a mist of time that's gone in an instant and there are more important things than romance. If it happens it's a blessing, if not, then it's not meant to be. Everyone can focus on the here and now and make a difference in someone's life. Fuck the past!

Pep talk over.

 

[Avro Arrow]

I mean, since then I got married, have a good job, a daughter.

Please forgive the personal question, but if you don't mind me asking... you mentioned you got married since then. Are you still married? If so, I guess something I might suggest would be: be careful not to damage what you have now, by becoming too obsessed with an idealized relationship from long ago.

Though I hope to live forever .

So far, so good!

 

[rhubarbodendron]

don't worry - you're not going to die. It's just the first onslaught of midlife crisis. In my experience frequent large dosages of chocolate and a few funny books (e.g. some Terry Pratchett) are a highly effective remedy against that.
Propably your daughter being at about the age you were back then was what triggered these thoughts.

 

[Australis]

There's a Reddit meme that I think fits perfectly, of Scumbag Brain: "Hey, it's 3AM! Let's go over all the mistakes you made between 1996 and 2002!"

I'm 60. A few years ago, I used to say, it's not old age that's going to kill me, it's regret. Regret will kill me stone dead. I should add that since then, I've got out of a very long term relationship (40 years) that was killing me, and I now have grandkids (5 in 4 years) that are the sun in my days. I an reflect back on the many women I passed up, either because I was married or because I simply wasn't aware, and only put it together years later.

Now I have to start again. It's scary, and I'm tired. Plus the amount of money it would cost to make me look half decent, let alone enhancing my social skills, makes me blanch. I need to act, but not sure how.

Are you still married? Then hang onto that, and leave the past in the past. Not? Contact the FB person. The worst long term thing that'll happen is you still won't connect with her, but you haven't now anyway.

Regrets will eat you alive. Do or do not, there is no try, as some guy said. Good luck.

 

[Damian]

Please forgive the personal question, but if you don't mind me asking... you mentioned you got married since then. Are you still married? If so, I guess something I might suggest would be: be careful not to damage what you have now, by becoming too obsessed with an idealized relationship from long ago.

Sorry for the late response. I'm staying at a campground with no wi-fi this weekend and I don't have lots of data on my phone (plus I hate typing on a phone anyway). I had to come home for some things which is why I was able to respond before Sunday. As far as the personal question, that' ship pretty much sailed when I started this thread. And I might as well go all in--maybe it will help.

To answer your question, yes, I'm still married. 20 years now. And this is difficult to 'talk' about, but as I said, I started this thread so I might as well see it through. I'd say for the last 3 or 4 years now, maybe a bit longer, I felt our relationship has run its course. And as time goes on I'm starting to feel like I just stay married because it's convenient. It's complicated because for me as well because I'm not close with my family and I don't really have my own friends, the few that I actually have (it's one reason I arranged to talk to my friend that I knew back when I dated this girl). And we work in the same office (in different departments so we don't really work together--and we're busy doing our own thing at work). So that means I can't even talk about things with a 'work friend' without wondering if it will get back to her.

It also doesn't help that my wife has become a rather angry person. I don't think she's happy with how her life turned out. And she's not someone I feel comfortable confiding in usually, she's not a touchy feely person. In many ways I feel alone. Sometimes I get the distinct impression she'd rather be alone. She gets angry quickly with me and even my daughter...mind you she's not abusive. I don't want to give that impression. She'd do anything for her, and my daughter has some, um, issues and she can be difficult--even for me sometimes. But my wife is just not a happy person and hasn't been for years. And it's sort of dragging my spirit down as well.

Now I'll concede that may make my nostalgia for this relationship a bit more intense then it otherwise would be. This was also the last girl I dated before meeting my wife. And one of the things I remembered about this girl was her desire to impress me (I was always a borderline nerdy kid--I was lucky in many ways, I didn't get bullied really but I wasn't popular really---so it was typically me trying to impress the girls--and I avoided Star Trek talk as well). And our talks. I remember her being easy to talk to. She was a good fit for my personality at the time and I wish I saw it through to see where it went.

Now, as I said, my present feelings for my wife predated my current funk. So this is probably just a symptom of my larger issues. I really think I'm past any point of therapy or marriage counseling. My wife would refuse anyway and she'd probably have a fit and ask if I wanted a divorce.

But that's also a reason I don't want to try to look up this girl (well woman now) right now. Let's just say for the sake of argument she's single, and I met her and found we did have a connection. First, I'm not a cheater. And it wouldn't be fair to her. "Nice to meet you, I see we still have a connection but I'm married". Actually kind of mean. The only way I'd ever look her up is if I were single again. While there are no guarantees, something like that requires the right timing, and you only really get one chance at something like that. Do something rash just to satisfy my curiosity would be the worse thing I could do. So for now, I do nothing.

I just wish I had someone that was happy to see me at the end of the day. That would say "I love you", someone I could hold hands with and take a walk. It sounds kind of corny when I type it, but that's what I really want. And I don't have any of that. I almost wish for divorce. I run the risk of being alone--but that's a poor reason to stay in a relationship that's hit a wall. So I guess I have much to consider.

Now I have to start again. It's scary, and I'm tired. Plus the amount of money it would cost to make me look half decent, let alone enhancing my social skills, makes me blanch. I need to act, but not sure how.

That's something that worries me, if I just stay married to stay married. Right now I'm 44. Hopefully I have at least half my life ahead of me, if not more. I don't want to find out most of my life is gone and I've stayed in a marriage that has run its course years prior and not be able to find someone to spend my life with.

 

[Armus]

Sorry for the late response. I'm staying at a campground with no wi-fi this weekend and I don't have lots of data on my phone (plus I hate typing on a phone anyway). I had to come home for some things which is why I was able to respond before Sunday. As far as the personal question, that' ship pretty much sailed when I started this thread. And I might as well go all in--maybe it will help.

To answer your question, yes, I'm still married. 20 years now. And this is difficult to 'talk' about, but as I said, I started this thread so I might as well see it through. I'd say for the last 3 or 4 years now, maybe a bit longer, I felt our relationship has run its course. And as time goes on I'm starting to feel like I just stay married because it's convenient. It's complicated because for me as well because I'm not close with my family and I don't really have my own friends, the few that I actually have (it's one reason I arranged to talk to my friend that I knew back when I dated this girl). And we work in the same office (in different departments so we don't really work together--and we're busy doing our own thing at work). So that means I can't even talk about things with a 'work friend' without wondering if it will get back to her.

It also doesn't help that my wife has become a rather angry person. I don't think she's happy with how her life turned out. And she's not someone I feel comfortable confiding in usually, she's not a touchy feely person. In many ways I feel alone. Sometimes I get the distinct impression she'd rather be alone. She gets angry quickly with me and even my daughter...mind you she's not abusive. I don't want to give that impression. She'd do anything for her, and my daughter has some, um, issues and she can be difficult--even for me sometimes. But my wife is just not a happy person and hasn't been for years. And it's sort of dragging my spirit down as well.

Now I'll concede that may make my nostalgia for this relationship a bit more intense then it otherwise would be. This was also the last girl I dated before meeting my wife. And one of the things I remembered about this girl was her desire to impress me (I was always a borderline nerdy kid--I was lucky in many ways, I didn't get bullied really but I wasn't popular really---so it was typically me trying to impress the girls--and I avoided Star Trek talk as well). And our talks. I remember her being easy to talk to. She was a good fit for my personality at the time and I wish I saw it through to see where it went.

Now, as I said, my present feelings for my wife predated my current funk. So this is probably just a symptom of my larger issues. I really think I'm past any point of therapy or marriage counseling. My wife would refuse anyway and she'd probably have a fit and ask if I wanted a divorce.

But that's also a reason I don't want to try to look up this girl (well woman now) right now. Let's just say for the sake of argument she's single, and I met her and found we did have a connection. First, I'm not a cheater. And it wouldn't be fair to her. "Nice to meet you, I see we still have a connection but I'm married". Actually kind of mean. The only way I'd ever look her up is if I were single again. While there are no guarantees, something like that requires the right timing, and you only really get one chance at something like that. Do something rash just to satisfy my curiosity would be the worse thing I could do. So for now, I do nothing.

I just wish I had someone that was happy to see me at the end of the day. That would say "I love you", someone I could hold hands with and take a walk. It sounds kind of corny when I type it, but that's what I really want. And I don't have any of that. I almost wish for divorce. I run the risk of being alone--but that's a poor reason to stay in a relationship that's hit a wall. So I guess I have much to consider.



That's something that worries me, if I just stay married to stay married. Right now I'm 44. Hopefully I have at least half my life ahead of me, if not more. I don't want to find out most of my life is gone and I've stayed in a marriage that has run its course years prior and not be able to find someone to spend my life with.

You're really got a lot on your plate. You don't have to deal with it all alone. You should talk to a professional counselor(if you are not already)there's no shame in that at all. Talk these things out, then make a big decision if it's for the best.

 

[Damian]

You're really got a lot on your plate. You don't have to deal with it all alone. You should talk to a professional counselor(if you are not already)there's no shame in that at all. Talk these things out, then make a big decision if it's for the best.

You're probably right. Though I'm not very good at talking about my feelings. I know, hard to believe, but writing about here, virtually anonymous, isn't as difficult. But I'll have to give it some thought. But that also may create some questions that I'd be reluctant to answer (what's wrong, why are you going to counseling...that sort of thing, esp. since I've never gone to anything like that before).

Normally I hide things well. While I have these feelings, I usually project a pretty happy demeaner. Even now in my funk, when talking at home or at work, or to other people, I'm pretty good at faking it.

And I should be clear. My wife is not a mean ogre screaming every where she goes. It's more she's just perpetually unhappy. I often joke we could win the lottery she would complain about the taxes. That sort of thing.

I always joke that listening to Electric Light Orchestra is probably good for feeling down. ELO usually made cheerful music. Or my favorite band of all time, Genesis. Like Star Trek I like all Genesis, Gabriel era, Collins era, even the album they put out post Collins. Music sometimes helps I hear, even if temporarily. I'll just avoid any sad songs.

 

[Damian]

As an aside, I have a little joke that when a Genesis song comes on I always say "GENESIS!" like the alien did in TSFS when he said "GENESIS....Genesis is planet forbidden".

And have people noticed when listening to the radio you swear sometimes they were in tune with your mood. I was listening to the 80's on 8 and they played Cinderalla's "You Don't Know What You Have Til It's Gone" and yesterday on another channel Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here". And other similar songs. I was like, you've got to be kidding me. THIS IS NOT HELPING