Favorite lines from Airplane! and Airplane II: The Sequel

[Amasov]

These two movies have some of the funniest dialogue in movie history (the first more than the second, of course). I'll add more as the thread goes along. I'm going to start with one from each:

Airplane!

(Over the PA system)
Vernon: There's just no stopping in a white zone!
Betty: Oh, really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what you're talking about. You want me to have an abortion.
Vernon: It's really the only sensible thing to do if it's done properly. Therapeutically, there's no danger at all.


Airplane II

ROK: Voice Interface.
Elaine: There's an overheat in the core; please analyze problem.
ROK: There is not apparent overheat.
Elaine: Yes, there is, ROK. We read a core overheat repeat analysis.
ROK: Analysis confirmed; all systems compute positive.
Elaine: Well, not from where I'm sitting, they don't.
ROK: Look, Elaine, cut the "not where I'm sitting" shit. It must be a human error.

 

[Sky]

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley

Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.
Rumack, Randy: [together] It's an entirely different kind of flying.

 

[Amasov]

Murdock: We better get to the tower, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: We have no tower, sir.
Murdock: No tower?
Lieutenant: Just a bridge, sir.
Murdock: Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

This:

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bUiPB3je_I[/yt]

Fun fact about the original: Most of the dialogue was actually lifted verbatim from a serious disaster flick, Zero Hour!. I'm not making that up. They took the script almost word-for-word and with very few changes, turned it into one of the greatest comedies in history...

 

[Amasov]

I watched Airplane II for the first time in a long time last night. I hadn't realized the number of lines and gags that were recycled from the first one. There were still many laugh out loud moments; the exchange between Elaine and the ROK computer (as I posted above) kills me everytime I see it.

Plus we can't forget our beloved Mr. Shatner making an appearance.

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7DYbDoh0R8[/yt]

 

[Skellington]

I was just thinking about Airplane! a couple of hours or so ago.

Sample dialogue:
Rex Kramer: "No, we can't do that. The risk of a flame-off's too great. Keep him at 24,000.

No, feet."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Gotta love those Voice Activated Doors. "SSSSHHH!"

Oh, and this:

Striker: No buttons, just switches, lights and knobs.

Murdock: Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We've all got our switches, lights and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean down here, there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, flashing and beeping...they're blinking and they're flashing and they're beeping...I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! They're blinking and beeping and flashing! Why doesn't somebody pull the PLUG?!?

 

[IcecreamLtDan]

I'm not sure this forum is large enough to handle all the funny lines from these movies, especially if video clips are included.

 

[Amasov]

I'm not sure this forum is large enough to handle all the funny lines from these movies, especially if video clips are included.

Haha, you're quite right.

I expect we'll have both movies quoted line for line by the time we're though!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"Listen to me! Your crew is in complete control of the situation!"

<<BULLSHIT>> <<BULLSHIT>> <<BULLSHIT>>

"There's absolutely nothing to worry about!"

<<UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT>>

And, of course...

DANGER: VACUUM

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtOO3BRpqoE[/yt]

 

[Amasov]

They took the script almost word-for-word and with very few changes, turned it into one of the greatest comedies in history...

They did that with Police Squad! also. If memory serves, the first episode is almost an exact copy of an earlier police drama from the 1950s, but the name escapes me at the moment.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8PZFQz-qmo[/yt]

"We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then."

 

[Flying Spaghetti Monster]

The single best gag is below.. "the shit's gonna hit the fan". why is it the best gag? Well, because my ex and I laughed for hours watching it forever. Out loud. and we STILL laugh.
[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYxvVe9y5NQ[/yt]


I 'm also partial to the scene in Airplane 2.
"Striker! Stiker!" And the guy in the background punches a pretty young woman. Hard!

 

[ITL]

Anything to do with flying over Macho Grande.

 

[Icemizer]

^Over Macho Grande?

 

[Alidar Jarok]

I'll never be over Macho Grande

 

[ITL]

^Over Macho Grande?

I'll never be over Macho Grande

Thank you.

 

[Amasov]

"Ted Striker?!"
"You know him?"
"Never heard of him."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

From the second film:

McCroskey: "You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship...in jeopardy!"

Cut to the inside of the lunar shuttle, which is now the Jeopardy set....

Art Fleming: "All right, contestant 38!"

Passenger: "I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40."

Fleming: "The answer is...the Mayflower!"

 

[propita]

Gotta love those Voice Activated Doors. "SSSSHHH!"

Oh, and this:

Striker: No buttons, just switches, lights and knobs.

Murdock: Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We've all got our switches, lights and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean down here, there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, flashing and beeping...they're blinking and they're flashing and they're beeping...I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! They're blinking and beeping and flashing! Why doesn't somebody pull the PLUG?!?

I swear, I thought that was going to be in one of Shatner’s latest commercials. Or at least the thing that flashes light down the parallel tubes.