My Mom died similarly…she didn’t outlive my Dad four months. Hypoxia and failure to thrive they called it. We got the MRI results of my Dad the day he was put in the ground. He had complained of severe back pain that the doctor ignored—there was a massive tumor…and a swelling of the aorta. I have learned to hate the medical profession.
My father died six and a half years ago Oct. 21st, 2017 of esophagus cancer. He was 85. Mum made it a little longer, but she was heartbroken and missed him terribly. She was also the last of her circle of brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and in-laws. She felt that isolation of being the last and feeling left behind. Her mobility decreased as she became tired easily and could no longer go for the walks she enjoyed outside. The pandemic didn’t help in making her experience cabin fever over the past few years. I was her (and my father’s) primary caregiver these past several years as we lived together which helped me with their affairs, errands and maintaining the house. Now the house feels really silent and still although my brother and sister are helping me sort things out. Retrospect can give you a different perspective of someone’s behaviour. Over the past year I now interpret some things Mum would say as expressing she had had enough and was ready to go. There were some other small issues, but essentially she was fed up. While she was grateful for many things she didn’t understand the world anymore and the world she knew was gone. Essentially the hip surgery pushed her over the edge—it was too much for her and she didn’t want to bother anymore. It feels haunting and somewhat ghoulish going through her things and affairs, almost as if I’m erasing her existence.
I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time Warped9. As much as I sometimes think it would be nice to live a long life, it's stories like what you've relayed that make me think it's truly a double edged sword, I'm truly sorry you're going through all of that. My condolences to you and yours.
I am truly sorry for your loss. My mom's been gone a couple of years now after a long decline. I am grateful for all the time I had with her over her last few years. Those years you had as your parents' care giver will be a comfort to you in the time to come. The pain of separation goes on for quite a while; but it's a good feeling knowing you did what you could for them while they were still with you. Blessings and comfort, my friend. M.
@Warped9 I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through, and you’re right, we are never ready for this sort of thing. My very best wishes and condolences to you and your family.
Thank you all for all the kind words. It has been a long, drawn out and exhausting three weeks. A lot of it is blurred. I am feeling somewhat numb and my first days back at work had me feeling tired and not really giving a damn. Much of it feels unreal as if in a dream I expect to awaken from at any moment, except I don’t. She went in for a mere broken hip, but at her age it was simply too much for her. I know it’s not uncommon, but you are left wondering how did it go wrong. There is also a guilt tinged sense of release as there are routines and responsibilities I no longer have to do. I no longer have to look after her medication, run her errands, do her banking, rush home for lunch and come straight home right after work. Much of my time was devoted to making her feel she mattered, was still needed and encouraging her. Now I have a lot of free time on my hands and I find myself looking for distractions to occupy myself.
It's an incomparable loss. I can only hope that you don't feel under pressure to adapt at anyone's pace but your own.
My boss and coworkers have been great and very accommodating. My older brother and younger sister are also being very supportive even given they both live some distance of several hours drive away. I am basically the point man in settling our mother’s affairs.